Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So guilty and confused over a fling - desperate for advice.

186 replies

mummybrains · 12/02/2008 11:20

I hope there is someone out there who can give me some straightforward advice. I became friendly with a married man back in November - someone who lives near me, we were in the same village club - we struck up a very flirty relationship and I was extremely flattered by the attentions of this charming, handsome man ( I had a baby a year ago who I love dearly but it was so thrilling to enjoy being something other than just a mummy).
We started going to a music group together before Christmas and our relationship rapidly developed into a more physical one. He thought it was getting too intense (he had a long affair with a very young girl 9 years ago - he's been married 22 years, and the young girl had his baby. He left her - his wife took him back and he now has a very good relationship at home with her and their children).
After Christmas we picked up again - we saw each other once a week. He always told me he didn't want a full on affair because he can't handle the deceit and the sneaking about and because he has so much to lose - and I do not want to risk losing my relationship with DP either, however last weekend we had the opportunity to go away together with a group of people (his wife did not come) and the inevitable happened - we slept together. He was very careful to remind me that this is not an affair, but now I cannot shake off the guilt at what I have done. It was a momentous thing for me - but he's coping just fine. He's a very busy person and I don't have the opportunity to see him for a few weeks. He says it was fantastic and if we have the opportunity again then it may happen again.
I would not want to be the partner of this man - with his track record and knowing how flirty he is - but I have now fallen for him so hard it is starting to destroy me. He knows I have got worked up about it and says he didn't predict this. Yesterday I forgot to feed my baby all day. I have started smoking again and cannot sleep. I have lost a stone and a half since December. I just need some sensible advice from anyone who has been there before I lose my head completely.

OP posts:
turquoise · 12/02/2008 13:19

Norma - if you are not the OP, then how is it helpful to the OP to make the thread all about you (again).

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:19

norma if you came back witrh a new name all well and good

but completely bonkers to then start posting with your old one again..you know you will get stick and tbh it actually makes it worse for the op in this case

you could have just sent her a cat

or posted with a different name

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:20

Precisely Turq.

ShinyDysonHereICome · 12/02/2008 13:20

Can everyone calm down for a minute.

  1. Norma- bugger off. Your mere presence on this thread has angered people which is preventing the OP from getting the proper help and support she obviously needs.
  1. To everyone else- It can't be easy for the OP to admit what she has. She and her baby need our support and guidance, not slating for what she has/has not done.
  1. To the OP. You KNOW what you need to do. You need to put the physical and emotional needs of your child first before even yourself. If you're not up to that you need to talk to your partner and your health visitor. This man sounds poisonous, avoid contact with him at all costs and work hard throwing all your energies into what matters most- your son and your relationship with your partner.
normabutty · 12/02/2008 13:20

Oh ffs, I wanted to post my email address for the OP to talk to someone if she wanted to. I thought I could help her. That's why I used my old name because if I'd used another I'd have been recognised by my email address anyway.

Look I'm leaving this thread now but if you want to email me to talk (there's lots of things you can do to help yourself cope with this) then please do so.

karen999 · 12/02/2008 13:20

I dont think we should make this thread about Normabutty.....its not. Its about the OP. NB can obviously relate to where the OP is coming from and I dont think any of us has the right to say who can and cannot post tbh

robinia · 12/02/2008 13:20

Just wanted to add that it's not so strange for a child not to eat for 13 hours. Some days I give my 2 year old breakfast and, despite giving him lunch and something to eat mid afternoon, he won't eat anything again until tea time which is about 12 hours after breakfast. And even at tea time he doesn't always eat much. Then other days he eats like a horse and is constantly asking for more.

wannaBe · 12/02/2008 13:20

no I think they're both as bad as each other.

I'm not sure op should tell her dp though, if she has learned from this and loves her dp and wants to make a go of her relationship, then telling him can only hurt him, and tbh I don't see the point of that.

normabutty · 12/02/2008 13:21

Oh and she doesn't accept CATs I tried that before I posted.

electra · 12/02/2008 13:21

Zippi is right - you need to make yourself do other things so you forget about him.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:21

People can say who can and can't post but nobody has to listen!

FioFio · 12/02/2008 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:23

Robinia the baby is one. One year olds do need feeding more often than that. They really do. If your two year old does this by choice, that's also not preferable, but at least you are offering food. Entirely different mater.

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:23

from my experience of splitting with some one spending time thinking about it is the worst thing you can do

you have to think right he is going to think i am cut up about it..but i'm not i am going to make it work for me and make my life better than it was

Original poster
mummybrains · 12/02/2008 13:25

The title of my post says it all - you are so right about me. Selfish. I was more worried about my feelings than the fact that they were so low that I had forgotten to feed my son, and the fact I put it in almost as an afterthought has shocked me too.

I suppose I thought if I could get a grip on my emotions today then I could give my child the kind of day he deserves.

This has been going on some months now - I will get help.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 12/02/2008 13:25

"if I'd used another I'd have been recognised by my email address anyway.".

wish I was that recognizeable by my email address alone

FioFio · 12/02/2008 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Jazzicatz · 12/02/2008 13:27

I am actually really disgusted with not only the reaction to the op but also norma - the absolute worst of MN!!!!

AandK · 12/02/2008 13:28

The man is scum because it wasn't the only time he has done it. Read the full post about him abondoning a young girl who has his child!!
And believe me I don't think I've been that gentle on the OP either but I believe she is the one who needs help the most.
I do believe she has been feeling a bit down in herself of late and went to this man for an ego boost, we've all done it, but neglecting her child is another thing and thats what has angered me the most.

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:29

when you are low/dperessed whatever you have to find and tap a well of resources inside

it is there you must not leave gaps for thinking

curling up in bed or in front of the tv is a nono

getting outside is good

don't listen to sad music

try baking, and exercise video, anything which requires concentration

sort out your bank filing

work out how much money you have spent in the last month

reorganise ypour pc files

anything which requires you to use your head and fill it with distraction

of course it is hard when ypu are depressed because concentration goes out of the window but yopu have to work at it

QuintessentialShadow · 12/02/2008 13:31

Oh, and emailing your one night stands family to tell them what the man did to you, will not win you any brownie points, but it will probably make you feel extremely good for a bit, as norma might tell you all about.

Talking of taking a thread and turning it into a navel gazing "oh, look at me, I had ah fling with a male netmum, arent I clever".

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:32

Good for you Jazzicatz. Weird priorities though.

AandK · 12/02/2008 13:32

I agree she needs to stop wallowing and get out more and with weather as it is of late there's plenty of things to do

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:33

i'm not sure i have been harsh or judgemental to the op

the fling is dead all she can do is pick herself off the floor as quick as possible by sheer willpower

Jazzicatz · 12/02/2008 13:33

How so shiny?

Swipe left for the next trending thread