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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So guilty and confused over a fling - desperate for advice.

186 replies

mummybrains · 12/02/2008 11:20

I hope there is someone out there who can give me some straightforward advice. I became friendly with a married man back in November - someone who lives near me, we were in the same village club - we struck up a very flirty relationship and I was extremely flattered by the attentions of this charming, handsome man ( I had a baby a year ago who I love dearly but it was so thrilling to enjoy being something other than just a mummy).
We started going to a music group together before Christmas and our relationship rapidly developed into a more physical one. He thought it was getting too intense (he had a long affair with a very young girl 9 years ago - he's been married 22 years, and the young girl had his baby. He left her - his wife took him back and he now has a very good relationship at home with her and their children).
After Christmas we picked up again - we saw each other once a week. He always told me he didn't want a full on affair because he can't handle the deceit and the sneaking about and because he has so much to lose - and I do not want to risk losing my relationship with DP either, however last weekend we had the opportunity to go away together with a group of people (his wife did not come) and the inevitable happened - we slept together. He was very careful to remind me that this is not an affair, but now I cannot shake off the guilt at what I have done. It was a momentous thing for me - but he's coping just fine. He's a very busy person and I don't have the opportunity to see him for a few weeks. He says it was fantastic and if we have the opportunity again then it may happen again.
I would not want to be the partner of this man - with his track record and knowing how flirty he is - but I have now fallen for him so hard it is starting to destroy me. He knows I have got worked up about it and says he didn't predict this. Yesterday I forgot to feed my baby all day. I have started smoking again and cannot sleep. I have lost a stone and a half since December. I just need some sensible advice from anyone who has been there before I lose my head completely.

OP posts:
FioFio · 12/02/2008 13:34

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Original poster
mummybrains · 12/02/2008 13:35

In answer to your question - I honestly don't forget to feed him regularly. The fact that I did it yesterday shocked me into seeking help here. I have had mental health problems on and off since '95 so I know the signs.

And yes he is scum - and I may be scum too. I hadn't thought of that before today.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Winetimeisfinetime · 12/02/2008 13:35

I agree with Jazzicatz - what a horrible response from some people to someone looking for help and to nb who was only trying to help. We all respond to threads by drawing on our own experience and that is what she is trying to do. It was some of those responding that have made this thread about nb not her !

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:36

when you are depressed and your life is shit it is finding strength inside yourself that gets you past it..no one else can do that for you

i interpret the baby neglect as a bit of melodramatic license myself

karen999 · 12/02/2008 13:38

Winetimeisfinetime - well said!

Original poster
mummybrains · 12/02/2008 13:38

And I have no intention of telling his wife. Whatever other people on here have done. She knows me - we live in the next street!!
She knows him well enough too, and probably lives every day wondering what the scum is up to with whores like me.

OP posts:
FioFio · 12/02/2008 13:38

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SleepIsForTheWeak · 12/02/2008 13:39

you know what you have done is wrong, and you would surely change it if you could.
Agree with the advice.... stop ALL CONTACT IMMEDIATELY.
In a few weeks time when you are over it you can take a view whether to tell your Dp or not.
Your baby has to come first.

karen999 · 12/02/2008 13:40

Calling yourself horrible names wont help. Ok, so you have made a mistake. But it is in your power to learn from it, get help and move on. It wont be easy but the hardest things never are.....I wish you good luck and happiness.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldingHands · 12/02/2008 13:41

Well to spell it out Jazzicatz, as to why I think certain behaviour and then banging on and on about it under the SAME NAME, is only to give the glory that is obviously craved, so I wont. Lots of people are going to find that particularly disgusting because they too have been on the receiving end of such horrible selfish needless circumstances.

Most of us don't go around doing that kind of thing "because we are depressed". And Norma brought herself into this thread quite deliberately knowing full well what the response would be so save your pity.

And I've already said enough about the OP. if this thread causes her to get herself sorted so that people, including her child, no longer get fall-out of her actions, then well and good.

Winetimeisfinetime · 12/02/2008 13:42

karen999 well said !

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:43

you have to be honest with yourself

if you feel that you are having mental health problems then you need to think how to cope with those

this guy sounds like a fucking useless person to help you hardly a good shoulder to cry on or even anyone to boost your self confidence all he has managed to do is make you feel bad

so not worth crying over

karen999 · 12/02/2008 13:46

I agree - the man in question sounds like a complete horror. There are men out there who will prey on vulnerbale women, unfortunately for you it sounds like you were one of them. He will prob always be like this, but you can move on and become a stronger person for it.

greeneyedgirl · 12/02/2008 13:48

I have to re-iterate what WTIFT says and Jazzicatz. I am aghast at some of the comments and attitudes on this thread.

Even if not sure whether the OP is genuine or not, should we not try to give the benefit of the doubt before yelling troll? Also, a woman who forgets to feed her baby is obviously in desperate need of advice and encouragement to seek the correct help, not insults and accusations which will just drive her deeper into a depression.

I post on MN quite alot and I am beginning to think it is not quite the place of friendly advice and banter I thought it was. Not sure I will put any more of my problems on public display again after reading this.

Original poster
mummybrains · 12/02/2008 13:50

You are so right. If feeling low drove me to do this, I should have known it could only conclude with a worse mess i.e. what we're in now.

If only such rational thoughts as yours could save idiots like me from stupid desires before innocent lives are screwed over.

Thank you all. I may post again (if I dare) sometime to let people know if it's possible to learn from such disgusting behavious (mine as well as his). I deeply regret it all.

OP posts:
ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:52

mummybrains

stop putting yourself down

i will post something rational to you because i am outsside the situation..not much point actually saying it's all ok when it isn't

lemonstartree · 12/02/2008 13:54

blimey........Now I have no idea what normabutty has or has not done, but it seems to me that she was trying to offer support to a sad, confused and possibly unwell fellow poster... and has been pretty viciously attacked for doing so..so be it

to the OP, actually I DO feel sorry for her; I dont condone what she has done but sympathy and emapthy are human and she is obviously terribly upset. I think the advcie a few posts ago about making yourself busy - fill very moment with some kind of activity is good advice. And cut all contact now, immediately. Wipe his number and make every effort to avoid this man in the future. If you do not see him the crush will die, not immediately but in 6 months you will look back and be proud of how you acted today....

ZippiBabes · 12/02/2008 13:54

you made a bad choice...you looked outside your primary relationship for something you needed and the man you chose was no help

we all make bad calls

you can get over it tho

FioFio · 12/02/2008 13:54

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mellowma · 12/02/2008 13:54

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Winetimeisfinetime · 12/02/2008 13:54

mummybrains don't let some of the more extreme responses on this thread make you feel even worse. There is still some good advice here. If you do want to talk in a calmer environment about this, then I would be more than happy to talk to you privately.

sprogger · 12/02/2008 13:56

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Jazzicatz · 12/02/2008 14:00

Shiny - I am aware of what norma has done, and whilst I do not agree with what she has done I feel your reaction is at the very least unhelpful. If these threads drag up bad memories then don't post as it is just unhelpful and cruel.

normabutty · 12/02/2008 14:01

Sorry, one more post as I hope this can be of practical help to you. Things I did to feel better about myself were:

Having refresher driving lessons so I could get out and about more

Joining baby groups with a focus (e.g. sing and sign, baby massage, baby yoga) as there's less pressure to feel like a happy, wonderful mummy than at baby groups where you just sit around.

Sign up for mystery shopping, it gives you a reason to get out of the house and gives you a little bit of money to pay for baby groups.

Start an evening class so you can meet people who aren't so baby focussed.

If you have any qualifications already and can you build on those?

Take up something creative that you can do while you're at home with your lo or whiole you're watching tv so you're not starting to slip into that low place.

I hope this helps you and I'm sorry if you've had a bad reception because of my posting.

CountessDracula · 12/02/2008 14:02

Well you ARE having a affair whether you think so or not.

You need to cut all ties I agree

If you tell your dh don't expect HIM to think of it as just a fling.

Norma - why didn't you just set up a new hotmail accoutn? You are attention seeking