So guilty and confused over a fling - desperate for advice.

[mummybrains]

I hope there is someone out there who can give me some straightforward advice. I became friendly with a married man back in November - someone who lives near me, we were in the same village club - we struck up a very flirty relationship and I was extremely flattered by the attentions of this charming, handsome man ( I had a baby a year ago who I love dearly but it was so thrilling to enjoy being something other than just a mummy).
We started going to a music group together before Christmas and our relationship rapidly developed into a more physical one. He thought it was getting too intense (he had a long affair with a very young girl 9 years ago - he's been married 22 years, and the young girl had his baby. He left her - his wife took him back and he now has a very good relationship at home with her and their children).
After Christmas we picked up again - we saw each other once a week. He always told me he didn't want a full on affair because he can't handle the deceit and the sneaking about and because he has so much to lose - and I do not want to risk losing my relationship with DP either, however last weekend we had the opportunity to go away together with a group of people (his wife did not come) and the inevitable happened - we slept together. He was very careful to remind me that this is not an affair, but now I cannot shake off the guilt at what I have done. It was a momentous thing for me - but he's coping just fine. He's a very busy person and I don't have the opportunity to see him for a few weeks. He says it was fantastic and if we have the opportunity again then it may happen again.
I would not want to be the partner of this man - with his track record and knowing how flirty he is - but I have now fallen for him so hard it is starting to destroy me. He knows I have got worked up about it and says he didn't predict this. Yesterday I forgot to feed my baby all day. I have started smoking again and cannot sleep. I have lost a stone and a half since December. I just need some sensible advice from anyone who has been there before I lose my head completely.

Message withdrawn

Good for you Mummybrains. I know how easy it is to fall into this sort of situation - and how hard it is to get out of it.

If he contacts you, answer his calls, but don;t engage in any conversation. just an "I am fine thank you" and then tell him you have to go as you are busy with your DS. Don't blank him completely, as I bet that will either incur his anger or make him more keen. Take a deep breath, be polite, but not friendly.

As for the choir, I think it may be best to give it a miss until you feel stro9nger. 3 weeks isn't a long time - I think if you see him again then it will make your crush grow stronger again, and that is what you don;t want. Even better, the time you woul;d normally spend with the choir, do something with your DP. Find another choir. Don;t give this twathead any more fuel for his little fantasies.

Having known blokes like this myself in the past, I'll bet you that now he's got what he wants, he will cool off. You deserve better, mummybrains. It was a mistake, a lapse of sensibility. Now do yourself and your family a favour and move on

I second madamez's post. MB - please delete his number and avoid him. This is going to be hard because you live in the next street but you must do it because this will otherwise do your head in. Distract yourself, and if he texts you, don't text back.

Just wanted to let all the helpful mumsnetters know that I have taken your advice and been to the GP. Ended up with urgent referral to Community Mental Health Team and I am getting help. Thanks to all. x

Well done you!! Am glad to hear that.

Mummybrains, have been thinking of you

Glad you are getting sorted. Has nob cheese tried to contact you?

What do you mean you forgot to feed your baby all day - bloody hell women I dont think anything (and I have been through some c**p) could make a mother forget to feed her baby all day

good glad you have asked for help

Ok, we have established that mummybrains forgot to feed her baby for a day - loads of posts harping on about it are aren;t helpful

She has done wrong, and has admitted as such. she is getting help and moving on.

Here here....

glad you got he help - can I just add as an extra thing to keep you occupied - try spring cleaning for an afternoon or morning - I knwo you might not felei like it to start with - but you'll see how good everyhting loooks after, and also you'll work up an appitite so both you and DS can eat together.

deffo stay away from man - if he trys to contact you tell him to leave you alone. if poss don't spend anytime alone with him.