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Relationships
Please help in a total dilemma ! :(
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:09
Some relationship advice please!! Last year my partber and i of 15 years surprise my mum with a trip 14 days disneyworld florida. My mum has had very little her whole life and no opportunity, this was a huge surprise and we were all so excited to go just the 3 of us. 2 days before we were due to travel i had a massive anxiety attack after suffering 2 years of anxiety and i completely cancelled this trip so last minute. This caused so much trauma for me and my mum in particular as she had told everyone she knew and it was a huge deal. A year on and anxiety free my partner who is diagnosed bipolar have given mum dates again end april for 2 week to put into her work for time off..unfortunately florida is off the carda now as the price has almost doubled since last year, so we had been looking at thailand. I mentioned this to my mum to see her feelings if we went asia instead, she again was exstatic, shes told a few people in work shes going asia and shes really excited. My partner and i have booked and now cancelled 3 hotels on booking.com and still have not made any flight reservations or bookings and we are due to go away in 6 weeks time. My partner and i have argued through stress now for months on where we will go and have been on every site possible looking for places to visit and book but we cannot agree on anything whether its due to price or that he now doesnt want to go to thailand after promising that we would go to thailand etc etc, basically now hes trying to say we should just go cities last minute i.e paris, amsterdam etc on a last minute escape....this is not what i wanted and not what i had promised my mum and i feel like the whole situation from last year is creeping in now again the closer we get to going. Im so anxious every single day i wake because we have nowhere booked and i spoke to my mum today and she said that she really needs to know because last year was just too stressful and she didnt even want to be here anymore when it all happened last year so last minute. Id like to go a sun holiday but my partner doesnt, he also doesnt want to book until we are off which is 6 weeks away and what if we cant get anything i really qant to have somehwere booked and set in stone but every time we talk we get so stressed out and argue and end up not speaking..this is a huge trauma for me and would have been my redemption trip to make it up to her and have an amazing time but i feel like my partner is really fighting against me here...also dont want to fall out with him and pie him off and say im going with my mum myself as i dont have the sole funds for this either unless we find a cheap 2 weeks turkey trip for the 2 of us but then ill feel terrible for him, but with him being bipolar it also plays on my anxiety if i book and he changes his mind last minute, my mum said today she wants to know as its too much trauma for her to go through again if it doesnt happen last minute. I would happily go myself but i feel like that qould end up in a relationship fail and lots and lots of annymosity in the house for the next 6 weeks before we go. Please can anyone help suggest what i should do because its really playing on my mental health now and causing me so much stress and worry on what to do. :(
Spottycarousel · 16/03/2023 18:11
Why don't you and your mum go together without your partner? It sounds horribly stressful for your poor mum and I would feel just the same as her about wanting to know to avoid the trauma of a last minute cancellation.
Hoppinggreen · 16/03/2023 18:11
Seriously, just forget holidays altogether for a bit, you’ve got enough going on and it seems to be a trigger for you.
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:14
Im worried that if i dont do it this time it will completely destroy my MH and i wont have the redemption on what happened last year. My partner is usually always the one that makes the final decisions and i dont know how to just make this work x thank you for responding i really appreciate this i have thought about this also, my heads all over
Spottycarousel · 16/03/2023 18:14
Just read what you said about not affording it for just the two of you. There are plenty of cheap sun holidays for two around at the moment especially at the last minute so maybe see that as an option. Otherwise as someone else said maybe just leave the whole issue at the moment. It sounds like your partner just isn't understanding and making it worse for all of you.
Quartz2208 · 16/03/2023 18:15
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:14
Im worried that if i dont do it this time it will completely destroy my MH and i wont have the redemption on what happened last year. My partner is usually always the one that makes the final decisions and i dont know how to just make this work x thank you for responding i really appreciate this i have thought about this also, my heads all over
That doesn’t sound heathy that he always makes the final decision.
you need these for you and he is holding you back
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:17
Quartz2208 · 16/03/2023 18:15
That doesn’t sound heathy that he always makes the final decision.
you need these for you and he is holding you back
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:14
Im worried that if i dont do it this time it will completely destroy my MH and i wont have the redemption on what happened last year. My partner is usually always the one that makes the final decisions and i dont know how to just make this work x thank you for responding i really appreciate this i have thought about this also, my heads all over
:( i agree completely, i just unsure how to approach making my own choices and biting the bullet and leaving him out after 15 years.
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:20
@Spottycarousel how do i tell him i dont want to do what he wants and do city breaks last minute without him then saying im just doing it all for my mums sake, i dont want the relationship to be over or for him to lose out as we do everything together but i also want to go with my feelings and really not let mum down either and would go myself if i didnt think it would be such a huge drama :(
FurAndFeathers · 16/03/2023 18:24
Why do you keep promising your mum a trip of a lifetime you can’t afford to deliver on and are unable to cope with booking?
it sounds really unhealthy
Shoxfordian · 16/03/2023 18:26
Yeah you need to be honest with your mum about the issues with your partner and probably it’s better to break up with him. Stop promising big expensive trips that you can’t afford
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:28
FurAndFeathers · 16/03/2023 18:24
Why do you keep promising your mum a trip of a lifetime you can’t afford to deliver on and are unable to cope with booking?
it sounds really unhealthy
@FurAndFeathers circumstances have changed throughout the year with work and money savings etc and but now i just dont want to let her down again so ive got myself stuck between 2 people, it feels really unhealthy im struggling to make my own decisions for pleasing everyone else now. I get what you mean dont make promises, i am not completely skint just cant afford the 8000 disney trip i originally promised so now trying to do sonething within region and as exciting for less money and with a partner who cant make or stick to decisions is making it all so much harder to do anything that will make my mum happy
CatSpeakForDummies · 16/03/2023 18:29
It's not a dilemma, it's a total farce, your poor mum.
Indecision is costing you a fortune, it is absolutely the worst choice. If your DP is happy with anything left last minute, all these holidays are options now and cheaper, he just sounds obstructive.
You aren't even leaving yourself time for things like visas and vaccinations.
Morocco would be the compromise position between you and your DP, I think. Mexico might be more bookable.
If you haven't booked it by next week, send your mum the money and let her plan a holiday herself for the time she's taken off.
Xrays · 16/03/2023 18:31
Give your Mum the money you’d have spent on the trip and ask her to take someone else? There’s no point nearly killing yourself with anxiety over this and I feel sorry for your Mum too.
TomatoSandwiches · 16/03/2023 18:31
Your poor mum, stop making promises you can't keep, let her know now nothing is booked so she doesn't feel embarrassed again.
Perhaps work on your relationship and rethink if it's at all a healthy dynamic to be in.
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:31
@teaandtoastwithmarmite so do i, she must feel completelt broken and not know whether shes coming or going im sick of it all i dont want to put her through this again and i cant either. If i tell my partner im going to take her away myself he will start about his mental health and how i dont care aboyt him or want him there etc etc what then...i really need to grow a set of balls by the looks of the comments :( i care too much about other peoples feelings
Ghostbuster2639 · 16/03/2023 18:33
This is ridiculous and is needless drama. All this talk of trauma and not wanting to be here, endless rows and anxiety. It’s a holidays Ffs, it’s not normal behaviour.
Stop indulging your partners need for conflict and drama. Tell your mum you’re not going now. Tell your controlling partner you’re not going and refuse to discuss it ever again.
TomatoSandwiches · 16/03/2023 18:34
You need to put your mum first here, you cancelled last year and made a new promise this year, I wouldn't trust a word you say again if I was your mum if you left it another 6 weeks to tell me it's off.
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:34
@Xrays @CatSpeakForDummies thank you both, everyone opening my eyes on here so glad i did a forum. I really want to be with my mum and make the memories with her we are soo close !! I appreciate your comments and honestly
PaigeMatthews · 16/03/2023 18:35
FurAndFeathers · 16/03/2023 18:24
Why do you keep promising your mum a trip of a lifetime you can’t afford to deliver on and are unable to cope with booking?
it sounds really unhealthy
This. Your poor, poor mum. She must be under so much stress. Six weeks to go and still no plan for a promised holiday of a lifetime. She must feel like a fool telling people she is going somewhere and it never happening.
PaigeMatthews · 16/03/2023 18:36
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:31
@teaandtoastwithmarmite so do i, she must feel completelt broken and not know whether shes coming or going im sick of it all i dont want to put her through this again and i cant either. If i tell my partner im going to take her away myself he will start about his mental health and how i dont care aboyt him or want him there etc etc what then...i really need to grow a set of balls by the looks of the comments :( i care too much about other peoples feelings
Finish with him as he is a prick.
then sort out your own mental health.
Goodread1 · 16/03/2023 18:36
Why on earth can't you go on holiday with just yourself and your mum then,
You are over thinking that part,
It will be lovely to spend quality time together like that...
Ihatethenewlook · 16/03/2023 18:37
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:28
@FurAndFeathers circumstances have changed throughout the year with work and money savings etc and but now i just dont want to let her down again so ive got myself stuck between 2 people, it feels really unhealthy im struggling to make my own decisions for pleasing everyone else now. I get what you mean dont make promises, i am not completely skint just cant afford the 8000 disney trip i originally promised so now trying to do sonething within region and as exciting for less money and with a partner who cant make or stick to decisions is making it all so much harder to do anything that will make my mum happy
FurAndFeathers · 16/03/2023 18:24
Why do you keep promising your mum a trip of a lifetime you can’t afford to deliver on and are unable to cope with booking?
it sounds really unhealthy
This is stuff you do BEFORE a holiday op, especially one promised as a treat to someone else. Get the money, book the time off and then tell your mum. I mean wtaf are you doing??
Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:38
@TomatoSandwiches i guess your torally right, how will she ever trust me again and we are such a close mother and daughter never had any drama until this unfolded and he was diagnosed and like others are saying, putting doubt in my head where i dont need it . @Ghostbuster2639 i tell myself every day wtf this is a fkn privalage not a hinderance why is this so difficult but i really think its just the guilt over pleasing my partner and not dealing with the stress of letting him down either. Its ridiculous getting your right, i have to hear it from real people as i cant speak to anyone else :(
Unananana · 16/03/2023 18:40
Your poor mum.
You and partner sound like a right pair. Breaking down and arguing the toss over mental health issues with your mum left dangling and having wasted her precious annual leave? You too scared to put your foot down? He is an adult, I'm sure he can manage without you for a few days or find support elsewhere.
Its a holiday. It shouldn't be this stressful and joyless. You clearly give no shits about your poor mum
JadeSeahorse · 16/03/2023 18:41
I think you need to tell your mum now that the trip is off.
Neither you nor your partner seem to have the MH to cope with a long haul trip.
You are being totally unfair to your mum with all this unnecessary drama and she will be so embarrassed having told friends again she was off somewhere exciting. I bet her friends will roll their eyes every time she has exciting news now and sorry to say but you and your DP have caused this.
Get yourselves sorted and stop promising your mum things that just won't happen.
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