Please help in a total dilemma ! :(

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Some relationship advice please!! Last year my partber and i of 15 years surprise my mum with a trip 14 days disneyworld florida. My mum has had very little her whole life and no opportunity, this was a huge surprise and we were all so excited to go just the 3 of us. 2 days before we were due to travel i had a massive anxiety attack after suffering 2 years of anxiety and i completely cancelled this trip so last minute. This caused so much trauma for me and my mum in particular as she had told everyone she knew and it was a huge deal. A year on and anxiety free my partner who is diagnosed bipolar have given mum dates again end april for 2 week to put into her work for time off..unfortunately florida is off the carda now as the price has almost doubled since last year, so we had been looking at thailand. I mentioned this to my mum to see her feelings if we went asia instead, she again was exstatic, shes told a few people in work shes going asia and shes really excited. My partner and i have booked and now cancelled 3 hotels on booking.com and still have not made any flight reservations or bookings and we are due to go away in 6 weeks time. My partner and i have argued through stress now for months on where we will go and have been on every site possible looking for places to visit and book but we cannot agree on anything whether its due to price or that he now doesnt want to go to thailand after promising that we would go to thailand etc etc, basically now hes trying to say we should just go cities last minute i.e paris, amsterdam etc on a last minute escape....this is not what i wanted and not what i had promised my mum and i feel like the whole situation from last year is creeping in now again the closer we get to going. Im so anxious every single day i wake because we have nowhere booked and i spoke to my mum today and she said that she really needs to know because last year was just too stressful and she didnt even want to be here anymore when it all happened last year so last minute. Id like to go a sun holiday but my partner doesnt, he also doesnt want to book until we are off which is 6 weeks away and what if we cant get anything i really qant to have somehwere booked and set in stone but every time we talk we get so stressed out and argue and end up not speaking..this is a huge trauma for me and would have been my redemption trip to make it up to her and have an amazing time but i feel like my partner is really fighting against me here...also dont want to fall out with him and pie him off and say im going with my mum myself as i dont have the sole funds for this either unless we find a cheap 2 weeks turkey trip for the 2 of us but then ill feel terrible for him, but with him being bipolar it also plays on my anxiety if i book and he changes his mind last minute, my mum said today she wants to know as its too much trauma for her to go through again if it doesnt happen last minute. I would happily go myself but i feel like that qould end up in a relationship fail and lots and lots of annymosity in the house for the next 6 weeks before we go. Please can anyone help suggest what i should do because its really playing on my mental health now and causing me so much stress and worry on what to do. :(

we have already agreed the dates and place me and mum want to go to...
Right, so go ahead and book it.

your absolutely right that my OH is probably the one now making me doubt it and panic over booking it, its so sad the situation is awful and bringing back bad energy to this trip 2nd time around.
So, you can either let him continue to dominate the (lack of) decision-making and mess everyone about, or you can stand up to him and get it sorted.

Maybe like you say go to a travel agents with mum and just book it. Why do i feel so much guilt on him even writing this when my mum shpuld always come 1st. I feel totally trapped !
He sounds very difficult to live with.

I don't understand all these promises being made when you can't afford it or agree on the holiday with your partner. I absolutely hate messing people around and letting them down - and it sounds like you do too so why on earth are you promising such an expensive exotic holiday when it seems so unlikely that it can happen?! I wouldn't have mentioned it to your mum until you were 100 % certain and ready to book.
Anyway can't you go somewhere cheaper but sunny, like Tenerife, Madeira, Egypt? These are all warm and pleasant destinations and I'm sure you'd have a lovely time.
If I was your mum I'd just be happy to get away and spend some time relaxing with my daughter. I wouldn't particularly care where we went.
Your relationship with your partner doesn't sound that healthy if he always has to make the decisions.

Is this an advert for holiday accommodation? There is a phishing scam going on with the one mentioned in the first post.

Also I would say. You say you have a wonderful relationship with your mum, and that’s a beautiful thing. But her reaction to you cancelling last time was extreme (saying she doesn’t want to be here anymore?).
As a mother of adult daughters I can only say I would NEVER react this way, particularly if my daughter had cancelled due to anxiety, and if I was aware she was dealing with a partner with MH issues on top. I’d also , (as an adult capable of learning from the past) be cautious of repeating my mistake of announcing my holiday to everyone after what happened previously.
I wonder if your mum has a tendency to be slightly emotionally manipulative and controlling, and if this in turn has affected your boundaries , leaving you vulnerable to accepting this type of behaviour from men.

Are you sure your partner isn't reluctant to book a holiday until last minute incase you cancel it again?

You must have lost out on so much money cancelling that close and I wouldn't want to commit to something with you again after that.

You can not let your mum down again.

Find a holiday you both like and can afford, tell your partner that's where you are going and ask if he wants to come.

You can do this OP! Take charge. Don't feel bad. Do what you want for a change!

www.holidaypirates.com/search/destinations/Thailand

@TurnipSurprise @category12 @NoPrivateSpy thank you all, i really need to grow a set and stand up for what i truly want, i need to have the discussion with the OH and let him know all of this and that im doing my own thing with my mum as were not here forever and i will never forgive myself if i dont take her and enjoy a break while we can !! Ive never been on these forums but truly needed today to hear the hard truths and see what people would say who are outwith ny household, its truly shed light on the problems being faced. I can do this i am human i am my own being and my mum is my blood ! Thank you all for helping and taking time to write to me with your advice honestly means so much !!

Thank you @DuckbilledSplatterPuff everything youve said really sheds the light into whats happening! And i appreciate you taking the time to support me !! Truly means the world !! @Ponderoveryonder thanks very much again making it very clear theres a big issue here...ive just looked at marrakesh now and i didnt even look before its affordable and looks really beautiful and exotic, thank you for that. Im going tomorrow to advise my OH that im taking my mum away with my own money for a week and thats it end of...if you want to join us you can but its happening, im 31 i need to take my life into my own hands again ! Your all right....i need to not be getting dragged down and losing myself here :( this just isnt me ! Thank you for taking time today to give me advice on this, i truly needed it from you all, every comments is valuable, even the ones that were hard to hear are raw but infact so true ! Life goes on and i need to grab it while i can ! I can do this !!! 🥺

@Ericabro thank you so much for that link and youve filtered thailand too, thank you honestly for taking time today for me, this means so much !!

You and your partner should stop messing your mother about with your stupid dramas.

your poor mum!! how awful for her to be put through all that

either book the trip and take your mum or risk damaging the relationship with her!!

Can’t believe you keep dangling a carrot in front of your mum like this, she’s the true victim here, I don’t feel sorry for you or your partner.

My partner is usually always the one that makes the final decisions
Why?

He's booked & cancelled 3 times, you can't agree on anything, he's causing you massive stress - why do you look to him for any authority about anything when he's so clearly using the whole holiday notion to control & abuse you with?

I would happily go myself but i feel like that qould end up in a relationship fail and lots and lots of annymosity in the house for the next 6 weeks before we go.
Anybody who will subject you to 6 weeks of hell for wanting to take your mum on holiday is an abusive, controlling bastard.

how do i tell him i dont want to do what he wants and do city breaks last minute without him then saying im just doing it all for my mums sake
"I'm pissed off with you deliberately shitting on my plan to take my mum away, & yes of course I'm doing it for her sake, she's my mum."

i tell myself every day wtf this is a fkn privalage not a hinderance why is this so difficult but i really think its just the guilt over pleasing my partner and not dealing with the stress of letting him down either.
FFS taking your mum on a promised holiday is not letting your partner down.
He doesn't like sunshine holidays. you & mum do, you are taking mum on holiday, who the fuck is he to tell you you can't?

Why do i feel so much guilt on him even writing this when my mum shpuld always come 1st. I feel totally trapped !
Because you are trapped - by a controlling man.
But you have the ability to set yourself free.
Start with this holiday. YOU DON'T NEED HIS PERMISSION.
Spend the time away making all your own decisions & remembering that you are a person in your own right.

i need to have the discussion with the OH and let him know all of this and that im doing my own thing with my mum as were not here forever and i will never forgive myself if i dont take her and enjoy a break while we can
You don't need a discussion.
He doesn't get to have any input.
It's your money, your annual leave, your mum, your holiday & your decision.

im 31 i need to take my life into my own hands again !
So you've had this arsehole controlling your every decision since you were 16?

Please just book an easy, affordable trip with your mum.
See how much more relaxed you are without your partner stressing you out at every turn.
When you get back, make sure you spend more time without your bizarre partner constantly undermining you. Focus on hobbies & friends. Stop looking to him for permission to live your life.

I’m glad you’re taking control of things. The only thing to add is that you might feel more relaxed on a package. Marrakech can be very full on, especially if you’ve not done much travelling.
im not sure I’d want to go if I were a slightly nervous or anxious traveller.

I'd imagine that the op's MH would improve dramatically if she chucked this wanker.

If you cannot book it yourself

Go into a local travel agent & they will book the holiday all for you

Book travel insurance at the same time

All the stress taken away from you !

You can go into a travel agency

Here are the dates
Here is the budget

What can you offer us ?

Of course she needs his permission if their money are pooled. Who takes money (thousands)from family pot to go to an expensive holiday with mum? And if he is the one who makes all the decisions how come you cancelled last holiday 2 days before leaving? I would be curious to get the partner pov as well. Poor mum!

@Missanimosity our money is our own banks and partly cancelled through mental health and worry last year due to his BPD diagnosis 2 weeks before we travelled. It scared me that he wasnt stable and also i wasnt stable due to the diagnosis.

I cannot believe you did that last year, you must have wasted thousands of pounds. Just stop promising your mother holidays and then cancelling or not booking or changing your mind about it. It is cruel.

Op, I'm saying this gently but you're pulling your mum into all the drama and conflict with your DP and that's just not fair. This obviously means the world to her and to raise her hopes and disappoint her two times is not cool. I think you need to sit down with your DP this week and make a firm decision. You either price up and decide to book somewhere there and then (absolutely no more cancellations) or if you can't agree on that, give your mum money for her and a friend to pick where they'd like to go on their own.

It sounds like you and your DP live in a tough world of MH challenges. It's wise to not bring other people into the middle of that.

Just read first page but this is absolutely ridiculous. I agree with those that suggested giving your DM the funds for the trip and allow her to go with somone else.

It doesn't sound like you can really handle a trip at the moment with your anxiety - it absolutely would not be fair on your mom for you to tell her you will go just the two of you and for you to bail out again like you did the first time. However, if you are certain you can make it and will go no matter what, then you should just go with your mum, but if this trip gets canceled entirely - don't ever offer again, you won'tbe able to make it up.

If telling your DP that you want to just go with your mum will cause your relationship to end then it's not a good relationship. Using his mental health to control you and not ever allow you to do something for yourself is abusive, which means this relationship needs to end anyway. It isn't healthy. Don't stay just because you've already put 15 years in - do you seriously want to waste another 20 with someone like this? Seriously- stress, anxiety, arguments over a TRIP?? And he always has the final say? Just no.

our money is our own banks and partly cancelled through mental health and worry last year due to his BPD diagnosis 2 weeks before we travelled. It scared me that he wasnt stable and also i wasnt stable due to the diagnosis.

Honestly, your mum would probably prefer to spend time with just you - mother daughter trip, anyway. If she doesn't have a close relationship with your partner then a trip with both of you would likely make her feel like a third wheel. If you and your partner are warring with each other on the trip due to both of your mental health issues then your mum won't have a great time.

I love what others have said. You are a grown woman, with your own money, you don't need his permission to take a trip away with your mum. He doesn't have to come. Even if he wants to come but you just want some time together away with your mom, that's your right, he doesn't get to infringe on that.

I found that quite hard to follow but what I took away was that I'd do all I can to make sure my mum went to Thailand, unless it would put me in bad debt. I feel so sorry for her.