Please help in a total dilemma ! :(

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Some relationship advice please!! Last year my partber and i of 15 years surprise my mum with a trip 14 days disneyworld florida. My mum has had very little her whole life and no opportunity, this was a huge surprise and we were all so excited to go just the 3 of us. 2 days before we were due to travel i had a massive anxiety attack after suffering 2 years of anxiety and i completely cancelled this trip so last minute. This caused so much trauma for me and my mum in particular as she had told everyone she knew and it was a huge deal. A year on and anxiety free my partner who is diagnosed bipolar have given mum dates again end april for 2 week to put into her work for time off..unfortunately florida is off the carda now as the price has almost doubled since last year, so we had been looking at thailand. I mentioned this to my mum to see her feelings if we went asia instead, she again was exstatic, shes told a few people in work shes going asia and shes really excited. My partner and i have booked and now cancelled 3 hotels on booking.com and still have not made any flight reservations or bookings and we are due to go away in 6 weeks time. My partner and i have argued through stress now for months on where we will go and have been on every site possible looking for places to visit and book but we cannot agree on anything whether its due to price or that he now doesnt want to go to thailand after promising that we would go to thailand etc etc, basically now hes trying to say we should just go cities last minute i.e paris, amsterdam etc on a last minute escape....this is not what i wanted and not what i had promised my mum and i feel like the whole situation from last year is creeping in now again the closer we get to going. Im so anxious every single day i wake because we have nowhere booked and i spoke to my mum today and she said that she really needs to know because last year was just too stressful and she didnt even want to be here anymore when it all happened last year so last minute. Id like to go a sun holiday but my partner doesnt, he also doesnt want to book until we are off which is 6 weeks away and what if we cant get anything i really qant to have somehwere booked and set in stone but every time we talk we get so stressed out and argue and end up not speaking..this is a huge trauma for me and would have been my redemption trip to make it up to her and have an amazing time but i feel like my partner is really fighting against me here...also dont want to fall out with him and pie him off and say im going with my mum myself as i dont have the sole funds for this either unless we find a cheap 2 weeks turkey trip for the 2 of us but then ill feel terrible for him, but with him being bipolar it also plays on my anxiety if i book and he changes his mind last minute, my mum said today she wants to know as its too much trauma for her to go through again if it doesnt happen last minute. I would happily go myself but i feel like that qould end up in a relationship fail and lots and lots of annymosity in the house for the next 6 weeks before we go. Please can anyone help suggest what i should do because its really playing on my mental health now and causing me so much stress and worry on what to do. :(

He has made you believe you are responsible for him. This is a lie.

Your primary function on earth is not to do what makes a man's life easier / allows him to behave however he wants with no room for your wants and needs.

You cannot be happy and healthy in this relationship. It isn't possible.

You have a lovely mum you clearly care about. Please tell her you've started to see through your partner and you're realising this isn't a healthy relationship.

I can't imagine how unbelievably relieved she will be to hear that you're (hopefully) considering ending it.

It will mean more to her than any holiday to see you away from him and happy.

Book you and your mum flights to Phuket tomorrow.
Flights in may from London (for example) are 900 return each.
Get yourself on the Phuket no nonsense guide Facebook group, ask for location : hotel advice. It's still very cheap to eat and drink there, so depending on budget you can spend as little or as much as you'd like. Tell DP you are booking flights in the morning and ask if he wants to be included, yes or no.
Have fun OP! Take control
Happy to give you some ideas, love Thailand Want to retire there!

He is manipulating you. When he tells you he will die etc that is essentially a giant tantrum. Stop feeling bad about it. You are not being unreasonable to want to book a nice holiday.

Have you decided where you and your Mum are going? Have you got something ready to book? Or can we help you find somewhere? What's your budget and the dates?

Also watch the Thailand Tony videos on You Tube - great practical advice. Bit of an eccentric chap, but helped us pick a location last year.

This! I really think your mental health would be fine if you weren't with this man!

Please do the above, then take your mum to the travel agent, tell them your dates and budget and book a nice easy break to Thailand. Morocco might be a harder destination if you haven't travelled much. The whole thing is stressing you out, so choose somewhere 'easy'. Just get it all booked on the spot, then you can look forward to a lovely time with your mum. Space away from your ex will do you the world of good. HE sounds absolutely hideous.

I don't know your Mums financial situation but my solution would be best.
Your mum knows somethings going on. She's known you a lifetime and she's not daft....and she loves you.
I'm gonna guess your OH holds the purse strings and probably gets more income than you (PIP?). You may think you're supporting each other because you both appreciate each others mental ill health, but you're likely making each other worse. I think your best bet would be to go round your mums alone. Explain the situation and own up and say you think this might be the end of your relationship. Look at what money you do have and ask your mum to chose something suitable* and book it!
Psyche yourself up, tell you OH and tell him he's welcome to join you but another room will cost £X and take it from there. Personally idcstick to just you and your mum. When we love someone it isn't just about the way we think about them, it's the way they make you feel. You talk of stress and trauma, yet when you're with your mum you feel loved and secure. Stop convincing yourself that you can't cope. I sense somethings clicked tonight and your on your way to a more enjoyable way of living!

• suitable places...not Thailand atm....humid and sticky not sunbathing climate. You'll need jabs. Think you need visa Not Morocco - not a female friendly culture Turkey - warm, cheap meals out, safe beaches, most people speak English, travel rep often on site Cyprus - as above bit more expensive. Lots of villas If you're looking for a relaxing break maybe Malta ( small, village type vibe, lack of 'lowts' Portugal...Great sunbathing, great nature walks gardens, zoos

Keep it simple. Relaxation, bit of sun, safe, meals out, laze by pool, bit of corny entertainment.

Thank you all so much, he does get more money hes a self employed Joiner but i also have a good career with my own decent monthly income to afford somewhere nice with mum ourselves. Hes just went mad shouting at me when im babysitting my sick nephew and said its all i fuckin hear is my mum my mum my mum hes saying hes about to lose his fuckin shit and then stormed downstairs, hes trying to suggest tenerife for 1 week self catering somewhere but not turkey, not greece not an all inclusive just back roynd in circles again and infact me and mum want to go 2 weeks...and because ive said id prefer all inclusive im now not compromising i did say huh what a fuckin cheek youve not came to any decision in the last year and now im not compromising...i just dont know what im doing anymore. My mum has said she has her own money if need be she doesnt want to go less than 2 weeks as shes waited 2 years for a break saving as much spending as possible...so theres no compromise there either. Ffs

Someone can be bipolar and also be a complete and utter arsehole at the same time. The two are not mutually exclusive.

OP it is terrifying that despite his behaviour today you're still discussing with him even the remote possibility of him joining you on holiday.

Take it off the table. Disengage. You aren't planning a holiday with him now, you're planning a holiday with your mum. He had every opportunity to be involved as an equal, reasonable adult and he fucked it so he's missed out.

I hate to be macabre but one day your lovely mum won't be here any more and if you don't have this holiday with her, WITHOUT HIM, just to appease him / because you're afraid of what he'll do, then you will never ever forgive him anyway. He wants to steal a precious memory from you. Because he is selfish and cruel.

He would rather you were unhappy and did as you were told than see you happy and him have to manage his own life for a week or two while you're away. That isn't love.

I promise you, none of this is what love looks like. It's what abuse and codependency looks like and you mustn't let him steal your mental wellbeing, autonomy, sense of self and relationship with your mum.

ABSOLUTELY this.

If someone is abusive and has schizophrenia, for example, that doesn't mean that their partner should feel obliged to tolerate the abusive behaviour just because it is in part due to a mental health condition.

It doesn't matter why your partner is abusive and controlling, it just matters that he is abusive and controlling.

so what do i do with someone who has nowhere to go and noone to turn too?

But that isn’t true at all and you're not helping yourself by making these emotionally charged untrue statements. By doing so, you’re validating the idea that he’s a pathetic victim with no one. He’s a bullying cunt and he’s treating you like shit, stop portraying him as a helpless victim.

You’ve already said he has his parents and friends. He could also access professional support if he could be arsed.

Stop playing along with his narrative op. He does have somewhere to go, he can go to his fucking parents or his friends. Or he can get his own place or whatever. In fact, after the way he’s behaved today, I’d throw him the fuck out and I wouldn’t give a shit where he went. He’s a parasite.

that im sick and selfish and fuckin a horrible person.

Also OP, this is what he thinks of you.

You feel sorry for him and feel he deserves your endless support.

This is going to sound horrible but he doesn't like you. He hates you. He thinks you're sick, selfish and horrible. He has outright told you this repeatedly, today alone.

You sound lovely. Kind, generous and empathetic. How dare he label you as those things?!

He thinks you're sick, selfish and horrible and tells you so... and STILL thinks you should feel obliged to take care of him? Fuck that.

You can't simultaneously be so awful he thinks you're sick, selfish and horrible yet but his world to the extent he implies he'll kill himself if he doesn't have you.

He doesn't want you to feel loved by him. He wants you to feel responsible for him. It's not love. It's control. It's abuse.

This could be the rest of your life or it could be your past. Please don't prioritise a bully who doesn't love you over your own happiness.

I agree with monster much it’s a concern you’re still discussing the possibility of him coming along.

Do you realise that what he’s doing is a crime?
Do you realise that next time he rages at you and verbally abuses you, you can call the police who will remove him?

He should no longer be in your home. He is a danger to you.His behaviour today has been disgusting, particularly around your young nephew. You need real life help now op, and a plan to get this abusive prick out of your life.

Monster munch is also correct that he hates you. That’s not your fault, all men like this hate women. But acknowledge that hate and stop feeling sorry for him. You will be seeing that hatred on his face regularly i imagine.

Jesus Christ, this is emotional abuse at its finest. This man is controlling your every move on the threat he will top himself if you don't I've your life to his agenda.

His life, safety and happiness are NoT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

If he kills himself because you go on holiday with the woman who actually gave birth to you, that is not your fault, but the chances of that are slim.

You cannot save someone who is not willing to save themselves. I'd advise you go on holiday with your lovely mum on the agreement he is gone when you get back. What a ball and chain he is

You will be seeing that hatred on his face regularly i imagine.

Absolutely, I imagine he's made the contempt / sneering face when speaking to poor OP so disgustingly.

As this poster quite correctly pointed out (I should have too, apologies), it isn't just you he hates. He hates women who don't do exactly what he wants, when he wants.

You aren't a whole, real, autonomous equal in his eyes. You are a woman which means your function is to facilitate him behaving however he wants, whenever he wants. Anything less than that in his eyes is insubordination and wrong.

You cannot 'win' at life with men like this. Nothing is ever enough. The more you give, the more they take. They want to be the only thing you think about and the only person you prioritise.

And they want to make you feel that way until they occupy all of your headspace so you can't see the wood for the trees and it somehow feels like the path of least resistance to just do as they say rather than fight it or challenge them.

Total subservience and obedience is what they feel entitled to. Anything else is wrong in their eyes.

Men like him destroy women.

This. How awful for your poor mum. Just give her the money to go alone

He's shouting and raging and swearing at you and in front of your sick nephew - presumably a child? OP, can't you see this is not normal?

This holiday is the least of your problem, I'm afraid, lovely. Sadly your life will not improve until you recognise that you are in a highly abusive relationship and you leave this man. You are NOT responsible for anyone's mental health or life except your own. This man is eroding your mental health with his abuse. Please, please get away from him and start the journey of healing. Your life will ultimately be so much better without him in it. I wish you so much luck.

You go away with your mum. Go in a travel agent and book a tour to Thailand.
Dump the boyfriend hopefully he'll be gone by the time you get back.

Having just read a thread on here about a poster’s mum passing away unexpectedly, and personally sadly lost my beloved grandma recently, I would be reminding you to create as many memories and wonderful moments with your mum. Cos you never know, tomorrow is not promised to anyone. I’ve been worrying about my own mum and making sure I talk to her more often (I live overseas) and tell her I love her every day. Are you really gonna risk making her sad for some man child who throws tantrums like a toddler and emotionally blackmails you? Honestly just go with just her because I bet him going would make her feel shit cos of him inevitably sulking, treating you like crap or out and out causing arguments. Other posters are right about betting your own mental health would vastly improve without him causing such heightened emotions of fear, guilt and desperation to please him. I left my ex of 7 years, it was scary as hell as I didn’t know where I’d live (lived in his house), worried about living on just my income, the brain finds so many excuses cos it hates the idea of change. But I left, and it was hard and sad BUT after the rollercoaster of emotions that lasted about 2 weeks, I suddenly realised while out at the pub, that I just felt so light.. the heavy burning stone in my gut was gone! It was HIM causing so much of my anxiety! I could stay at the pub without worrying about him throwing a sulk if I wasn’t back home in time to make him dinner. So freeing!! I realised I’d missed out on so many events or fun that I’d turned down over the years for fear of knowing he’d guilt trip me. You need to leave, but it doesn’t sound like you will but you’re letting yourself get so wrapped up in his dramatics and you’re gonna let it ruin this opportunity to spend precious time with the woman who has been there for you no matter what, raised you. SHE is the important one in this, he is just a bloke who this time next year could leave you for someone else or just not be in your life, and then you’ll be filled with regrets on all the things you missed out on for him. Don’t be like me op, don’t waste any more time tying yourself in knots trying to make him happy. You never will, cos he knows acting out will get him the attention and scrambling from you.
Put your mum and you first!

Oh love, I really hope you start to wake up and see whats been happening to you from such a young age. You are in a highly abusive, toxic relationship. Please get in touch with Womens Aid and get as much support as you can from friends/family in getting rid of this vile parasite. He is NOT your responsibility.

Stop engaging with him regarding the holiday. I can imagine things will get nasty when he feels hes starting to lose control. Please dont hesitate in calling the police as what he is doing, coercive control is a crime.

This all sounds very unhealthy. I have no idea what your partner is playing at, could it be revenge for last year’s debacle or is his mh a contributing factor? Whatever it is, a holiday is the least of your worries.

I understand your guilt at letting your mother down again but framing this holiday as a redemption is contributing to your anxiety, especially when your anxiety was the reason for cancelling last time. You are a prisoner of your own mindset and personally I think investing in counselling would a better use of your money that a week in the sun.

Talk to you mother and tell her the truth about nothing being booked.

Just book the holiday with your mom and refuse to talk to him about it anymore. Can you move out? Please don't leave your dog with him while you're gone, have a friend look after her or board her. If he threatens to kill himself you should call the police.

Book the holiday with your mum, if YOU want one week do one week (she could do two), if YOU want two weeks book two. Do not give in. The blackmailing with his mental health has turned into abuse, a clear proof that it was all blackmailing to have his way.

do what you want, and no one else. Your life is yours. Be happy!!

Yeah, OP. All abusive outbursts aside, he doesn't sound in a fit state to go on holiday with you anyway. Why would you want to holiday with someone who acts like that?

As a PP said, make memories with your mum. Enjoy the holiday.

Tell him if he is soooo dependent on you, then you need to start looking after yourself more. Starting with now and this holiday.

It's weird that he's prepared to go but only with loads of caveats. I'm struggling a bit with the logic and motivation there. What difference does it make if it's Greece or France?