Please help in a total dilemma ! :(

[Zoost]

Some relationship advice please!! Last year my partber and i of 15 years surprise my mum with a trip 14 days disneyworld florida. My mum has had very little her whole life and no opportunity, this was a huge surprise and we were all so excited to go just the 3 of us. 2 days before we were due to travel i had a massive anxiety attack after suffering 2 years of anxiety and i completely cancelled this trip so last minute. This caused so much trauma for me and my mum in particular as she had told everyone she knew and it was a huge deal. A year on and anxiety free my partner who is diagnosed bipolar have given mum dates again end april for 2 week to put into her work for time off..unfortunately florida is off the carda now as the price has almost doubled since last year, so we had been looking at thailand. I mentioned this to my mum to see her feelings if we went asia instead, she again was exstatic, shes told a few people in work shes going asia and shes really excited. My partner and i have booked and now cancelled 3 hotels on booking.com and still have not made any flight reservations or bookings and we are due to go away in 6 weeks time. My partner and i have argued through stress now for months on where we will go and have been on every site possible looking for places to visit and book but we cannot agree on anything whether its due to price or that he now doesnt want to go to thailand after promising that we would go to thailand etc etc, basically now hes trying to say we should just go cities last minute i.e paris, amsterdam etc on a last minute escape....this is not what i wanted and not what i had promised my mum and i feel like the whole situation from last year is creeping in now again the closer we get to going. Im so anxious every single day i wake because we have nowhere booked and i spoke to my mum today and she said that she really needs to know because last year was just too stressful and she didnt even want to be here anymore when it all happened last year so last minute. Id like to go a sun holiday but my partner doesnt, he also doesnt want to book until we are off which is 6 weeks away and what if we cant get anything i really qant to have somehwere booked and set in stone but every time we talk we get so stressed out and argue and end up not speaking..this is a huge trauma for me and would have been my redemption trip to make it up to her and have an amazing time but i feel like my partner is really fighting against me here...also dont want to fall out with him and pie him off and say im going with my mum myself as i dont have the sole funds for this either unless we find a cheap 2 weeks turkey trip for the 2 of us but then ill feel terrible for him, but with him being bipolar it also plays on my anxiety if i book and he changes his mind last minute, my mum said today she wants to know as its too much trauma for her to go through again if it doesnt happen last minute. I would happily go myself but i feel like that qould end up in a relationship fail and lots and lots of annymosity in the house for the next 6 weeks before we go. Please can anyone help suggest what i should do because its really playing on my mental health now and causing me so much stress and worry on what to do. :(

Oh your poor mum, you can’t keep promising things like that and letting her down!

Go ahead with this idea, @Zoost

Don't disappoint your mother this time by cancelling it,
As it sounds like she is really looking forward to this holiday, it's a Adventure for both of you,
Travelling there,

It's good sometimes to get out of your own comfort zones,every so often,
So you don't get caught in a rut,

You'd be amazed how much your mental health improves when you end this ridiculous relationship. Why don't you take a leap of faith and do it?

Your poor mum! I'd give her the money and let her sort herself a holiday.
What a farce! You and your DP are as bad as each other.

This is ridiculous. How can you both be so cruel to your mum. You want to make happy memories with her but you are doing the opposite and are just causing her misery. You’re not capable of booking a holiday or have the mental health to go on one. Stop promising your mum holidays, and find a partner you are compatible with.

Your Partner sounds quite controller, by sounds of it,

Why does he allways need to have final say about decisions ?

A relationship is supposed to be about equal mutual partnership,

That's includes equal compromises, in balance like a weighing scale,

But not Comprising yourself to such a extant that you feel like losing yourself,

I bet if you did go, you and your partner would argue the whole trip and ruin it for your mum anyway.

Op you’re clearly getting caught up in your partners dramatics and it’s really not healthy. Your mum is an adult and adults don’t become completely broken about a holiday. Nor do they not trust you ever again. They just get disappointed or something like that.

You are going to have to take charge of your life. You should not allow someone with MH problems to take the wheel because as you have realised he’s going to drive you off the road. It sounds like he thrives on conflict and drama. You don’t have to play or feed into his rather obvious need for conflict.You don’t even have to discuss it.

You wouldn’t be letting him down. You agreed to a holiday. You did not agree to him abusing it to create unnecessary arguments and dramatics and nasty atmospheres. On that basis I would opt out of the holiday. He’s spoilt it hasn’t he.

Living with someone like this is going to take its toll.He sounds abusive and highly controlling, and I wonder if he’s taking advantage of his recent diagnosis.

Are you happy op?

Decide where YOU want to go with your mum.

Agree that plan with your mum

Tell him where you are going with your mum

If you want, give him the option to come or not with a 24 hour window to decide

24hrs later, book the holiday for the two or 3 of you.

I'd recommend Ko Samui, KO panyang, Krabi, Hua Hin. Can't go wrong, all beautiful. I'd avoid Pattaya and Phuket unless you want a hedonistic more westernised experience.

Most importantly, bloody enjoy it!

I didn't mean to be so abrupt op, I am sorry.
I think a nice low cost holiday to Turkey or similar with you and your mum would be great for both of you, your partner seems to be quite selfish, leave him at home and some space may help you decide what to do when you get back.
But make sure you enjoy time with your mum if you decide to go with her, you won't regret making memories with her at all.

Your relationship sounds like a bit of a trainwreck.

I think you should, on this occasion, put your mum ahead of your partner as you've already let her down horribly once over all this.

• Book a holiday for your mum and you.
• Tell your partner that you can't and won't let her down again, so this is what is happening, and that you will plan something with him next time.
• Go on the holiday.
• Never try to arrange something involving him and anyone else again.

While you're away, work out whether this relationship is actually good for you.

Your poor mum. I would choose her over your partner any day.

Spending money on a big holiday - I get it can be hard to make a decision but like many posters have said, the year's long indecision is a bit unhealthy.

From what i can see, you have kind of decided on some key elements?

Thailand - tick (ignoring DP's wobble, which sounds financial to me)
Dates - tick

So, makes sense to book a package surely to ensure your mum is safe? Rather than winging it when you arrive.

Would visiting a travel agent help you both make a decision?

I would also add that it sounds like his indecision is now contributing to yours again. One of you needs to make a decision and bulldoze it through at this point.

I think this should be you because you are two thirds of the party effectively.

Just book a nice Jet2 AI holiday to the Canaries. Honestly your poor mum.

Thank you all so much i really need to hear all of this !! @greenfingers39 @Ghostbuster2639 @TomatoSandwiches @Goodread1 your all talking sense i could cry just reading because i know your all 100!

Go on the travel boards, ask for resort/hotel recommendations and just get it booked.

Or go into a travel agent and do it. Perhaps the pressure of a third party present and someone doing the booking will take the pressure off

Is this more about making a decision than the holiday? I hate the feeling of having something hanging over me and although the holiday will be lovely, faffing about on websites isn't. Separate the two things mentally.

Just get it done before the weekend so you can relax again. Having let your mum down, I think the cost of doing that again (and the toll it will take on you) is far worse than the hotel not being quite perfect

OP your Language is quite dramatic and catastrophising. Maybe that’s something to think about in a wider context?

@NoPrivateSpy thank you for sharing your thoughts, your right..we have already agreed the dates and place me and mum want to go to...your absolutely right that my OH is probably the one now making me doubt it and panic over booking it, its so sad the situation is awful and bringing back bad energy to this trip 2nd time around. Maybe like you say go to a travel agents with mum and just book it. Why do i feel so much guilt on him even writing this when my mum shpuld always come 1st. I feel totally trapped !

Your partner's a fool if he thinks waiting will make prices come down - it will do the opposite. And the two of you have a very unhealthy dynamic by the sound of it.

If you don't want to let your mother down again, I would book within the next ten days, and book for the two of you. Since you seem to tend to get bogged down in details, a travel agent as suggested by pp would be a good idea- they'll whittle the necessary choices down for you.

After you get back there'll be plenty of time to deal with this train wreck of a relationship.

Surely you and your partner can decide on a holiday?! Maybe the 3 of you could go on a city break to Rome, Venice or somewhere similar? Not so much pressure.

Do you have your own money or is he paying?

Do not put your mum through this bullshit again. It’s bafflingly childish.

You poor thing. You are so wrapped up in guilt. What is done is done. Forget it.

It doesn't sound like you are in a place to cope with a trip of a lifetime.
Get some practice in by organising a big day out with your mum somewhere nice in the UK.. that way you will know that you can organise it

You need two simple holidays.

The first with your Mum for a week, somewhere simple like Rome (which is stunning) or Paris or somewhere sunny. Keep it simple. Your mum would probably prefer a real holiday somewhere nice, rather than a long haul adventure - save that for another year when you are feeling less stressed. Just you and your Mum. Go round to her house and book it together - two heads are better than one in this instance. Don't worry about bringing OH.. it will never happen if you do and he gets involved with "planning." Go and book it with your mum. If its just a week its not a big deal - presumably he is able to cope for a week?

As your OH seems to keep cancelling at the last minute and changing his mind, he is making holiday plans impossible and stressful. You could do a second week with just him - leave your poor mum out of it - and I would also keep this simple as possible and easily refundable. If he cancels - go anyway with your mum.

Get some practice in by organising a big day out with your mum somewhere nice in the UK.. that way you will know that you can organise it

Finally... what's all this talk about "redemption"? All you have done is feel overwhelmed by booking an massive trip and had a lot of interference from your OH. Your mum was probably disappointed but she knows you mean well. Stick to your guns and get your mum to help you with the booking etc.

Why do i feel so much guilt on him even writing this when my mum shpuld always come 1st. I feel totally trapped !

The guilty feeling is important information that you should really examine. There’s a difference between genuine guilt when you’ve done something wrong and someone manipulating you into feeling guilty. Earlier you acknowledged that they’d be a terrible atmosphere if you went without him, in other words he would emotionally abuse you and bully you.

You’re probably so used to putting him first you feel like you’re doing something wrong when you don’t. It really sounds like there’s much bigger problems here than this holiday.

I don’t want to comment about the whole scenario as it sounds ridiculous and stressful and your partner sounds like a bit of a knob.
How about Marrakech ? Nice adventurous feel, easy flight ,cheap enough when you’re there, exotic enough to tell the neighbours about, and lots of opportunities to bond with your mum (hammam, nice riad, trip to the gardens , pool , shopping in the Medina, excursions etc etc). Also no need for complicated travel vaccinations etc.
You don’t have to take the man if he doesn’t want sun (he sounds like a PITA , why doesn’t he want sun?). In any case you could book a trip to Marrakech in 20 minutes, bite the bullet, and have plenty of change to treat your mum like a Queen when you’re there.