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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help in a total dilemma ! :(

185 replies

Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:09

Some relationship advice please!! Last year my partber and i of 15 years surprise my mum with a trip 14 days disneyworld florida. My mum has had very little her whole life and no opportunity, this was a huge surprise and we were all so excited to go just the 3 of us. 2 days before we were due to travel i had a massive anxiety attack after suffering 2 years of anxiety and i completely cancelled this trip so last minute. This caused so much trauma for me and my mum in particular as she had told everyone she knew and it was a huge deal. A year on and anxiety free my partner who is diagnosed bipolar have given mum dates again end april for 2 week to put into her work for time off..unfortunately florida is off the carda now as the price has almost doubled since last year, so we had been looking at thailand. I mentioned this to my mum to see her feelings if we went asia instead, she again was exstatic, shes told a few people in work shes going asia and shes really excited. My partner and i have booked and now cancelled 3 hotels on booking.com and still have not made any flight reservations or bookings and we are due to go away in 6 weeks time. My partner and i have argued through stress now for months on where we will go and have been on every site possible looking for places to visit and book but we cannot agree on anything whether its due to price or that he now doesnt want to go to thailand after promising that we would go to thailand etc etc, basically now hes trying to say we should just go cities last minute i.e paris, amsterdam etc on a last minute escape....this is not what i wanted and not what i had promised my mum and i feel like the whole situation from last year is creeping in now again the closer we get to going. Im so anxious every single day i wake because we have nowhere booked and i spoke to my mum today and she said that she really needs to know because last year was just too stressful and she didnt even want to be here anymore when it all happened last year so last minute. Id like to go a sun holiday but my partner doesnt, he also doesnt want to book until we are off which is 6 weeks away and what if we cant get anything i really qant to have somehwere booked and set in stone but every time we talk we get so stressed out and argue and end up not speaking..this is a huge trauma for me and would have been my redemption trip to make it up to her and have an amazing time but i feel like my partner is really fighting against me here...also dont want to fall out with him and pie him off and say im going with my mum myself as i dont have the sole funds for this either unless we find a cheap 2 weeks turkey trip for the 2 of us but then ill feel terrible for him, but with him being bipolar it also plays on my anxiety if i book and he changes his mind last minute, my mum said today she wants to know as its too much trauma for her to go through again if it doesnt happen last minute. I would happily go myself but i feel like that qould end up in a relationship fail and lots and lots of annymosity in the house for the next 6 weeks before we go. Please can anyone help suggest what i should do because its really playing on my mental health now and causing me so much stress and worry on what to do. :(

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 18/03/2023 17:03

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2023 16:57

It's very sad that you don't understand that he is the reason you have such bad anxiety. It's his abuse and manipulation that's literally making you ill. You have got to pull yourself together and finally say no more of this. Get rid of him.

THIS WITH BELLS ON

takeawayandwine · 18/03/2023 17:06

OP, you're doing amazing! You've set a boundary and you need to stick to it! Book that holiday girl!!

You are not being selfish AT ALL! He had every opportunity to come with you and he kept mucking it up. Now he appears to be saying 'I don't want to come with you but I don't want you to go either'. Nah!

You are not responsible for what he does or does not do. Why not start googling holidays now?

Zoost · 18/03/2023 17:06

Hes just text me saying "look after the dog"

OP posts:
Zoost · 18/03/2023 17:07

Do i take this as a suicidal sign? Or what

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2023 17:08

Zoost · 18/03/2023 17:06

Hes just text me saying "look after the dog"

🙄

He's really pulling out all the stops, isn't he? You haven't groveled to him yet so he has to up the ante.

Ignore the twat.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/03/2023 17:11

Zoost · 18/03/2023 17:07

Do i take this as a suicidal sign? Or what

😂

No, you take it as the pure manipulation it is.
Remember I told you he'd be back, trying to Hoover you?
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

He's just started.

Stay strong, switch your phone off, go & see som friends or your mum, distract yourself.

PaigeMatthews · 18/03/2023 17:11

Zoost · 18/03/2023 17:07

Do i take this as a suicidal sign? Or what

You ignore.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2023 17:13

Block him from your phone, op. His fuckwittery has only just begun. He will do or say anything to suck you back in.

category12 · 18/03/2023 17:18

It's more drama, OP. He's wondering why you aren't begging him back yet.

If he escalates what he's saying, text back that you will be calling the police to do a welfare check, and follow through.

BadNomad · 18/03/2023 17:20

Think about it. Ask yourself "why?" Why is he saying this? What are his motives in saying this? Genuinely suicidal people don't send suicide hints. Manipulative people do.

billy1966 · 18/03/2023 17:22

Aquamarine1029 · 18/03/2023 17:08

🙄

He's really pulling out all the stops, isn't he? You haven't groveled to him yet so he has to up the ante.

Ignore the twat.

What a twat, playing you like a fiddle.

🙄

The right thing to do is to call the police and hand over responsibility, but that is too obvious?

Your poor mother.

Such drama......for 16 years🙄

MrsRickAstley · 18/03/2023 17:22

just get somewhere booked - it really doesn't have to be that hard

Zoost · 18/03/2023 17:29

I just read the hoovering article its resignating, im going to put my phone on silent and have a sleep bren up all night with 3 YO nephew being sick everywhere and cleaning etc he went home erlier at 2pm then the drama started i am absolutel brain dead now ! Thank you all for all the advice it seems you are all on same page and are telling me the same advice, i truly must listen !! Thank you i will do what yous say and advise and take it from there. Me and mum booking on monday on her day off x

OP posts:
Lesvacances · 18/03/2023 17:33

He’s manipulating you.
Ignore him.
He wants to control you but you’re just as entitled as he is to make independent decisions.
You don’t belong to him.

Ghostbuster2639 · 18/03/2023 18:17

The text about the dog was pathetic.

Godlovesall26 · 18/03/2023 20:58

KettrickenSmiled · 18/03/2023 16:59

Sweetheart, my mother is Borderline, listen to me, I know what I'm on about.

i dont know what to think wpuld we be fine if it wasnt for this holiday
With or without the holiday, you would NOT have been fine.
You have never been fine.
If it wasn;t this holiday, he would have found something else to confuse & undermine & contradict you about.

Read @category12's post just above again - he uses his MH to control & abuse you with.

but my main worry is just if he will be ok and safe
YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HIM.
You need to look after YOURSELF.
He has been controlling you for years & this performative walk-out was just another piece of control.
Mark my words he will try to walk back in at some point & engineer more drama.

Can you go & stay with your mum for a few days?

i dont know if ive done the wrong thing and if he was mentally stable enough to hear it today.
He has Borderline. He is NEVER going to be mentally stable enough to hear it.
Does that mean you have to sacrifice the rest of your life to his horrible treatment of you?

@KettrickenSmiled Hes bipolar not borderline. Borderline is sadly for all involved harder because there’s no medication. Bipolar has had proven medications for ages. If you consider all MH the same, then I guess there’s no point in me saying anything though

Godlovesall26 · 18/03/2023 21:03

Godlovesall26 · 18/03/2023 20:58

@KettrickenSmiled Hes bipolar not borderline. Borderline is sadly for all involved harder because there’s no medication. Bipolar has had proven medications for ages. If you consider all MH the same, then I guess there’s no point in me saying anything though

BPD also has therapy btw, but it’s a form of regular counseling ie crazily expensive, unlike medications. Your experience is rightly yours, however I find your post both offensive and beside the point everyone is trying to make, ie he doesn’t have MH justifications for his behavior. People in a crisis are far too drained to manipulate

KettrickenSmiled · 18/03/2023 21:12

Godlovesall26 · 18/03/2023 20:58

@KettrickenSmiled Hes bipolar not borderline. Borderline is sadly for all involved harder because there’s no medication. Bipolar has had proven medications for ages. If you consider all MH the same, then I guess there’s no point in me saying anything though

OP I am sorry, I got the wrong end of the BPD stick.

@Godlovesall26 why do you think I consider all MH the same?
There is absolutely no logic to you assuming that a mistake in whether this man has bipolar or borderline means I think they are the same condition.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/03/2023 21:17

Zoost · 18/03/2023 17:29

I just read the hoovering article its resignating, im going to put my phone on silent and have a sleep bren up all night with 3 YO nephew being sick everywhere and cleaning etc he went home erlier at 2pm then the drama started i am absolutel brain dead now ! Thank you all for all the advice it seems you are all on same page and are telling me the same advice, i truly must listen !! Thank you i will do what yous say and advise and take it from there. Me and mum booking on monday on her day off x

A sleep is just what you need!

You have a lovely holiday with your mum to look forward to, & will benefit so much from a break from all the strain. You need time away from him in order to regain your equilibrium. Flowers

Godlovesall26 · 18/03/2023 21:21

KettrickenSmiled · 18/03/2023 21:12

OP I am sorry, I got the wrong end of the BPD stick.

@Godlovesall26 why do you think I consider all MH the same?
There is absolutely no logic to you assuming that a mistake in whether this man has bipolar or borderline means I think they are the same condition.

@KettrickenSmiled Apologies, I’m bipolar (I’ve posted previously in this thread, and others), so I probably overreacted, I’ve seen these things a lot about MH ‘lumped together’ in various threads so just accumulated fatigue I guess, not on you

KettrickenSmiled · 18/03/2023 21:21

Godlovesall26 · 18/03/2023 21:03

BPD also has therapy btw, but it’s a form of regular counseling ie crazily expensive, unlike medications. Your experience is rightly yours, however I find your post both offensive and beside the point everyone is trying to make, ie he doesn’t have MH justifications for his behavior. People in a crisis are far too drained to manipulate

With courtesy, I can't do anything about your offence, & am not even sure why you're taking it. OP hasn't - it's her thread, her problem, & she who has just said she's happy to have heard the advice I was able to offer. So she hasn't found my posts beside the point, & helping her is what;s important here, not creating spats out of innocent mistakes.

Have a peaceful evening everyone.

billy1966 · 18/03/2023 21:22

@Godlovesall26 I think that is harsh, unnecessary and wholly wrong.

@KettrickenSmiled goes to great lengths to give great detailed nuanced advice IMO, and takes time to do so.

Whatever he has, he's a controlling abusive twat and the OP has been dancing to his tune for too long.

KettrickenSmiled · 18/03/2023 21:23

Ouch @Godlovesall26 I cross posted (in both senses) & have only just seen your 21:21 post. Thank you for being gracious, & APOLOGIES.

I should not have been snippy to you. Flowers

Godlovesall26 · 18/03/2023 21:23

And I’ve just replied, so if you take offense with my contributions vs yours I’m fine to leave

Godlovesall26 · 18/03/2023 21:24

KettrickenSmiled · 18/03/2023 21:23

Ouch @Godlovesall26 I cross posted (in both senses) & have only just seen your 21:21 post. Thank you for being gracious, & APOLOGIES.

I should not have been snippy to you. Flowers

@KettrickenSmiled just seen yours also🍀

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