Please help in a total dilemma ! :(

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Some relationship advice please!! Last year my partber and i of 15 years surprise my mum with a trip 14 days disneyworld florida. My mum has had very little her whole life and no opportunity, this was a huge surprise and we were all so excited to go just the 3 of us. 2 days before we were due to travel i had a massive anxiety attack after suffering 2 years of anxiety and i completely cancelled this trip so last minute. This caused so much trauma for me and my mum in particular as she had told everyone she knew and it was a huge deal. A year on and anxiety free my partner who is diagnosed bipolar have given mum dates again end april for 2 week to put into her work for time off..unfortunately florida is off the carda now as the price has almost doubled since last year, so we had been looking at thailand. I mentioned this to my mum to see her feelings if we went asia instead, she again was exstatic, shes told a few people in work shes going asia and shes really excited. My partner and i have booked and now cancelled 3 hotels on booking.com and still have not made any flight reservations or bookings and we are due to go away in 6 weeks time. My partner and i have argued through stress now for months on where we will go and have been on every site possible looking for places to visit and book but we cannot agree on anything whether its due to price or that he now doesnt want to go to thailand after promising that we would go to thailand etc etc, basically now hes trying to say we should just go cities last minute i.e paris, amsterdam etc on a last minute escape....this is not what i wanted and not what i had promised my mum and i feel like the whole situation from last year is creeping in now again the closer we get to going. Im so anxious every single day i wake because we have nowhere booked and i spoke to my mum today and she said that she really needs to know because last year was just too stressful and she didnt even want to be here anymore when it all happened last year so last minute. Id like to go a sun holiday but my partner doesnt, he also doesnt want to book until we are off which is 6 weeks away and what if we cant get anything i really qant to have somehwere booked and set in stone but every time we talk we get so stressed out and argue and end up not speaking..this is a huge trauma for me and would have been my redemption trip to make it up to her and have an amazing time but i feel like my partner is really fighting against me here...also dont want to fall out with him and pie him off and say im going with my mum myself as i dont have the sole funds for this either unless we find a cheap 2 weeks turkey trip for the 2 of us but then ill feel terrible for him, but with him being bipolar it also plays on my anxiety if i book and he changes his mind last minute, my mum said today she wants to know as its too much trauma for her to go through again if it doesnt happen last minute. I would happily go myself but i feel like that qould end up in a relationship fail and lots and lots of annymosity in the house for the next 6 weeks before we go. Please can anyone help suggest what i should do because its really playing on my mental health now and causing me so much stress and worry on what to do. :(

Sorry OP, but this is utterly ridiculous. Firstly stop using the word trauma in relation to a bloody holiday. Trauma is what people experience in a war zone, or when they’ve been raped, or almost died in childbirth. You don’t get it from cancelling a holiday. Sorry if that sounds like I’m policing your language, but it’s so insulting to people who really have experienced trauma and leaves us without language to articulate what we’ve been through.

Secondly, I just can’t get my head around you cancelling the last holiday at the last minute - why? He got diagnosed two weeks before, ok, but clearly if he was speaking a diagnosis, you were both already aware that something was going on, it’s not like it was a new condition that came out of nowhere, you just had a name for it. Why did that make you anxious to the point of being willing to throw away thousands of pounds? Was he playing up and putting pressure on you not to go for some reason?

Thirdly, your boyfriend is being a cunt. It’s nothing to do with his mental health, he’s insisting on him being in charge and you falling into line, if that’s the relationship you want, you crack on, but stop dragging your poor mum into it. I’d suggest though you’d be a lot happier without him and if you got some therapy. You need to learn to take control of your life, to manage your anxiety and what you should and shouldn’t tolerate in a relationship.

Good luck, I hope you do take you mum away, if your boyfriend throws a fit tell him your not going to sit around waiting for him to make up his mind whilst risking letting down your mum again, that you don’t all revolve around him but he’s welcome to join you if he wants to.

Just call the whole thing off

So you have been with abusive controlling arsehole since you were 16?

I wonder how much of your anxiety is tied up with spending half your life with an abusive controlling arsehole?

Don't bring children into this toxic dynamic.

Your poor mother being messed around by you both.

Is this the future you really want?

Have a good long think about what you want your future to look like.

Pack up and move home if you can.

Update...i told him tonight im going with my mum myself and now hes saying he will end up dying and how can i be so cruel leaving him home with mental health and arythmia which is irregular heart which happwned last night, tonifht hes taken panic attack after ive said all thia its just playing with my head i cant cope with it

His mental health doesn't trump yours. Or your mums.

Don't let him manipulate you into making a decision that isn't what you want and will also really upset your poor mum again.

Sounds like it would do you the world of good in general to have a break from him tbh.

He makes you responsible for his mental health yet he still feels entitled to have the casting vote on all decisions you make.

This relationship is unhealthy, toxic and controlling. You're a victim of those things.

Your own mental health will improve when you aren't being bullied by someone under the guise of theirs.

Im struggling here, hes saying im so selfish and hes walked away in such rage that im so selfish and that a holiday is coming before his health and that im sick, he has no family and only work mates literally me and the dog and my home. Its working im feeling fucking terrible and anxious and sick with it and what the fuck do i do about this i feel absolutely fucking sick, im totally controlled and i dont know how to cope without fear that he does something stupid, i wish he qould just say ok go with your mum but hes saying i want a holiday too whats wrong with paris why the fuck would you want to go to an all inclusive etc etc but thats what me and my mum both want sunshine and relax, but if i book this will he do something stupid or really go mentally insane with his BPD, anxiety and arythmia which happens often, i just wish he would say just go have a lovely time and ill be here with the dog, but its not like that hes just walking away telling me to fuck right off and that im sick and selfish and fuckin a horrible person.

I cant beleive ive let my life get to this

and now hes saying he will end up dying and how can i be so cruel leaving him home
He's been manipulating you like this for HALF YOUR LIFE.

Live your life. & stop accepting his bullshit.

Hos reaction is insane, disprortionate & controlling.

Please go on your holiday, & preferably move in with your mum while you sort out a divorce.

His reaction, especially threatening self harm / suicide, is yet another sign that this is a horribly abusive relationship.

This man has dominated, controlled and manipulated your entire adult life.

The only thing worse than being with an abuser for 15 years is being with an abuser for 15 years and one day.

You are young. You have a shot at a happy, healthy life if you walk away from this man.

A life where you can breathe. Chill. Do things you fancy doing that are perfectly reasonable like enjoying a trip with your mum.

You are not an extension of him and you weren't put on this earth to placate him and facilitate his wishes.

You are your own person and you only get one, precious life.

Don't waste any more of it on someone who is making you ill and who will never ever let you be happy.

Have you ever been on holiday abroad? Promising "trips of a lifetime" seems to be setting up pressure and disappointment. Presumably you lost the money last year, can you really afford to again? Can you even get travel insurance easily given your mh issues. Plan something shorter and closer with just your dm.

You are being abused by a controlling arsehole.

For 16 years.

Now he is threatening suicide which is what abusive men do to try and regain control.

Pack a bag.
Leave.
Go to your mother's house.

Call the police and tell them he is abusive and he's threatening suicide because you are leaving.

Let the police deal with him.

But stop messing your mother around and stop feing guilty about an abusive arsehole who controls you and is tje reason your MH is shit and you have anxiety.

He is utterly fucking pathetic. Why don’t you tell him to fuck off out?

He is taking the absolute piss out of you. Loads of people have irregular heartbeat and loads of people have MH problems and they don’t threaten to kill themselves. He’s a manipulative little turd isn't he.

I hope you’re not still listening to his shit and trying to reason with him. If you are, pack some shit and go to your mums.

This
I think your partner is right, better to book last minute and avoid the panic setting in. Really feel for your poor Mum!

This is fucking madness. The reason you have anxiety is because you're with this absolute shitbag of a man. Take control, tell him to fuck off, end the relationship and go on holiday with your poor mum.

Do you really think i should just get booked and get up and go, am i not being a selfish bitch for doing thay? Weve been all around the world together the 2 of us but since a 3rd party was involved, infact anything with 3rd party involvement he doesnt participate, theres always an excuse or a problem occurs or a drama arises its just tiring. I just cba with worrying that he will self harm or try something loopy because i get up and go...then its all my fault. I feel so strong and courageuos until i go back into the room with him and he starts all his dramatics again and then its like i loose all courage i thought i had in another room!? Its so weird, i was so determined erlier that i was going to find the place monday during the day and have it booked with mum by tuesday night and now im struggling again because of all this drama its causing AGAIN !! I am ALWAYS here for everyone and ALWAYS doing what others want and i just want to do this for my mum and me and just wish he would like to come and be happy and stfu and enjoy it and be fuckin greatful or just say you and mum go and have a great time. How is that a lot to fuckin ask!! Its because i know how anxiety works so then i worry hes feeling low and its all my fault and then hes left here with noone for 2 weeks himself. I mean he does have parents but theyre not hugely close even though they would come over if he needed them but he just always goes on about what would he do without me, im the only person that calms him down, im the only person he lives for, im all he has in life, if it wasnt for me he wouldnt be here...all of this so my heads then fucked isnt it !!

@RedHelenB the thing is though...he says book last minute but then he takes a turn and decides actually ill have a panic attack or ill play the cant find a hotel or its too much money or something will fuck up and we wont get anywhere...he cant do last minute he just wont and then we all lose out again !

Weve been all around the world together the 2 of us but since a 3rd party was involved, infact anything with 3rd party involvement he doesnt participate, theres always an excuse or a problem occurs or a drama arises its just tiring.

He's a textbook abuser OP. I've shared below some info about this.

Signs they’re trying to isolate you.

Do they drive away your friends, or bully you into cutting your bonds with the people who support you and love you?

Isolation is toxic behavior, and often an early warning sign of potential abuse.

Does your partner throw a fit or always find a way to create dramaa_ with you when you hang out with your friends, or spend time with your family?

Do they stomp around the house? Pick little arguments or otherwise act abrasive and irrational?

This throwing a fit is meant to cause conflict in your outside relationships and also make you feel guilty and ashamed for finding enjoyment outside of your partnership. Think of it like a child throwing a fit when all the spotlight isn’t on them. It’s a means of taking you away from your friends.

Criticizing endlessly
Criticism is a subtle tactic which manipulators usee_ to slowly erode your connections and your sense of self-worth.

Your partner may not outright forbid you from seeing your family and friends. They might, however, run them down (and run you down too). They will attempt to decrease their worth in your eyes, so that you pull away of your own free will.

Likewise, they can insinuate that you are somehow less of a person for associating with those they don’t deem “worthy”.

Personal attacks
Personal attacks often come on the back of endless criticisms. The partner or spouse who wants to isolate you may make you feel like a bad person for seeing your friends or family. They may make you doubt your ability as a parent or a partner; make it seem as though you are low for enjoying your time with them.

They can also attack your character and make accusations like cheating or infidelity in order to push you away from the people who can see them for who they really are.

Uncomfortable experiences
Not all isolation attempts are focused on the other person in the equation. Sometimes our partners and spouses can focus their attentions on our outside relationships themselves in order to sabotage themm_.
They may make it too uncomfortable any time your friends or family come around, in an effort to get them to leave and pull away (rather than pushing them away).
Maybe they’re nasty to them in person, or kick off conflicts and confrontations that make it impossible to find peace as a group.

Passive-aggressive punishment
Passive-aggressive behaviorr_ is one of the most common signs of a partner who is attempting to isolate you.
This tactic involves making your life miserable without ever directly addressing issues.
When you go and see your friends, you come home to the silent treatment, or slamming doors and clear contempt.
They might make it impossible for you to talk on the phone, or even find a way to interrupt all your plans with drama of their own.
There’s no end to the manipulations when it comes to the partner who wants you isolated.

So the cancellation last year was more about his bipolar diagnosis that caused anxiety, and this time its also him putting a spanner in the works.
Ever considered that he's the cause of your anxiety? - it's possibly your inner voice telling you the relationship is all sorts of wrong.
You do everything together perhaps because he doesn't give you any room to do your own thing. Do you get to go out with friends without him? He's been so domineering and controlling that it seems you've become incapable of making a decision without him.
You've also done the same thing again by telling him what you are doing before you've even booked and sorted it. You've not learnt from before that you should be booking and getting it sorted before announcing it so you don't back out - which you will likely do again, because he will make it so hard for you that you will cave again, and the cycle continues.....
What is so good about him that you can't end this? You are co-dependent.

So what are you going to do about it?
honestly, only you can change this. You're choosing this life for yourself. Why? Why this man? He sounds absolutely shit. Why are you attracted to him?

get that holiday booked for you and your mum. You were planning to do it today. Why havent you?

and id out the dog in kennels while youre away. I would not trust a selfish, controlling angry man who was losing control with my dog.

@monsteramunch thank you for sending this...a lot is resignating true to what its been like over the years...so what do i do with someone who has nowhere to go and noone to turn too?

You are not responsible for his mental health, he's clearly using it to manipulate you and control you, focus on yourself and your mum, she sounds lovely and a mother & daughter trip would be Amazing, a holiday away from your partner might be eye opening

You're not his fucking keeper. FGS. Where he goes is not your bloody problem. Stop being your own worst enemy.

@Opentooffers yes i do go out eith work friends but i dont really see anyone else except my mum and sisyer tbh but thats not through him telling me not too its through lack of motivation now i guess and the fact that if we were ever invited out as a couple with another couple then i just couldnt commit as he wouldnt want to go...he is ohysically attractive, hes not outwardly obviously abusive he plays the sad im so sorry i love you so much card rather than the nasty one mostly...he has had an awful childhood, he has a really shity family, he has hardly any friends well a lot from work but more recent friends, hes been through a lot of ttauma himself in his teens ive been there through it all, drug addictions, MH, BPD, his family dramas, our holidays together our memories, renovating the home which was omce my grans, just holding onto memories of happy times without realising whats been gradually taking place in my head i guess. :(