Please help in a total dilemma ! :(

[Zoost]

Some relationship advice please!! Last year my partber and i of 15 years surprise my mum with a trip 14 days disneyworld florida. My mum has had very little her whole life and no opportunity, this was a huge surprise and we were all so excited to go just the 3 of us. 2 days before we were due to travel i had a massive anxiety attack after suffering 2 years of anxiety and i completely cancelled this trip so last minute. This caused so much trauma for me and my mum in particular as she had told everyone she knew and it was a huge deal. A year on and anxiety free my partner who is diagnosed bipolar have given mum dates again end april for 2 week to put into her work for time off..unfortunately florida is off the carda now as the price has almost doubled since last year, so we had been looking at thailand. I mentioned this to my mum to see her feelings if we went asia instead, she again was exstatic, shes told a few people in work shes going asia and shes really excited. My partner and i have booked and now cancelled 3 hotels on booking.com and still have not made any flight reservations or bookings and we are due to go away in 6 weeks time. My partner and i have argued through stress now for months on where we will go and have been on every site possible looking for places to visit and book but we cannot agree on anything whether its due to price or that he now doesnt want to go to thailand after promising that we would go to thailand etc etc, basically now hes trying to say we should just go cities last minute i.e paris, amsterdam etc on a last minute escape....this is not what i wanted and not what i had promised my mum and i feel like the whole situation from last year is creeping in now again the closer we get to going. Im so anxious every single day i wake because we have nowhere booked and i spoke to my mum today and she said that she really needs to know because last year was just too stressful and she didnt even want to be here anymore when it all happened last year so last minute. Id like to go a sun holiday but my partner doesnt, he also doesnt want to book until we are off which is 6 weeks away and what if we cant get anything i really qant to have somehwere booked and set in stone but every time we talk we get so stressed out and argue and end up not speaking..this is a huge trauma for me and would have been my redemption trip to make it up to her and have an amazing time but i feel like my partner is really fighting against me here...also dont want to fall out with him and pie him off and say im going with my mum myself as i dont have the sole funds for this either unless we find a cheap 2 weeks turkey trip for the 2 of us but then ill feel terrible for him, but with him being bipolar it also plays on my anxiety if i book and he changes his mind last minute, my mum said today she wants to know as its too much trauma for her to go through again if it doesnt happen last minute. I would happily go myself but i feel like that qould end up in a relationship fail and lots and lots of annymosity in the house for the next 6 weeks before we go. Please can anyone help suggest what i should do because its really playing on my mental health now and causing me so much stress and worry on what to do. :(

No, don't leave!

People touched by the bane of managing bipiolar, or the horrors of living with an unrepentant borderline, are bound to feel sensitive about many aspects of this thread. It's absolutely fine for any of us to have momentarily lost our cool. You were actually rather measured & polite in your initial objection

@KettrickenSmiled thank you (my first réponse about leaving was before seeing yours though, so much cross posting☺️).
Yes, it is hard. I don’t expect you to go search through God knows how many pages now, but what I had said basically was that neither myself or people I have known correctly medicated with bipolar act like this. The triggers aren’t supposed to be daily things, more signifiant life events ( for example for me a close friend passed away recently, I’m type II so the depressive type, I don’t have mania for ex, so im really down. But not in a downwards spiral per se because the idea is you get extra medications (about 2 weeks, depends on the person, to act). BPD unfortunately don’t have any of this. It must have been even harder for your mum, at her time it was considered even worse, as I’m sure you know. I have a friend with BPD, and she is honestly very hard to handle, but what can the poor babe do, she doesn’t have the money for the therapy, and society considers her crazy. It’s really sad.

I have no clue about OPs partner, but I doubt it would be either tbh (your experience of BPD may know more for that though)

🍀

Sorry, I forgot, I mean she actively hides these crises from her daughters for ex, who are both really well adjusted lovely and empathetic teens. Not narc manipulative

Ugh @Zoost the dramatic flounce from the house blaming you, the dramatics with kissing the dog goodbye, and now his shitty predictable text that is designed to manipulate and make you frantic with worry, could be literally taken from the script of what my ex used to do to me. He’s walked off hoping and knowing you’ll go pandering after him all worried, you haven’t and so he’s resorted to sending the shitty emotionally manipulative “hinting” at suicide text. I used to get these when I’d try to stand up for myself, both exes who tried this are very much still walking this earth cos it is BULLSHIT designed to make you feel awful. Don’t text him, please, even to check up on him, it’s what he wants and he’s probably sitting sulking somewhere because you’re not dancing along to HIS tune, this isn’t how HE wants it to play out. Guarantee you if you just leave him to it, he’ll be lurking his sorry sheepish ass back tomorroe to heap more emotional shit on you.
Sweetheart, everything wouldn’t “be fine and you’d be happy if not for your mum being added into this”. HE would still be happy, controlling the narrative how HE wants it, and grinding your self confidence down even further so you feel even more enmeshed with him and unable to leave, so stuck with his passive aggressiveness forever. You’re so miserable in this relationship and I would bet my last $100 you would be a million times healthier mentally if you got totally rid of him from your life, I mean blocking on everything, zero contact. I know you think you have good times, so did I but when I was out the other side I realised that I was clinging on to the “good times” as a reason to not leave cos I let all the “what ifs” and fear of change, cloud my vision of the future.
at the end of it, do you want this for yourself? Do you still want to be dancing to his tune in 10, 30 more years?
my ex I found out one lie he’d told and it was enough, finally, after 7 years where my MH was at its absolute worst, but that lie just made my future flash before my eyes not even joking, I just saw myself as a 50 year old, a 70 year old, still living a miserable half a life where I was always on pins waiting for him to act the asshole and hurt me thoughtlessly and not even care, yet again. I walked out with nothing but the clothes on my back, but it was the hardest but best decision I ever made.
I even went travelling and now live abroad, left 6 years ago and even as recently as a couple weeks ago I heard he was in the pub still running his mouth off about me, saying how I “must have left for another bloke” cos he can’t even wrap his head around the fact I might’ve left him cos he was just a raging cunt.. they never change op, just leave and free yourself from this miserable future.

@KettrickenSmiled If you don’t mind me asking, has your mum tried DBT (Martha Lineham). It has been proved to work, but then there’s the finances. If you wish to pm me I’d have lots of book or audiobooks reccs, although I’d imagine you’ve tried that. But I’m Western European and English isn’t our native language, my friend just can’t do the books (I tried with her, then I couldn’t cope I admit)

It’s hard without tailored therapy I found. There’s really great books, but you have to find in those what resonates with people, and I didn’t manage that ( the books are very, very long)

Thank you, that is a very kind thought.

My mother would never accept that she has a personality disorder.
It's everybody else that is at fault!

I've found this book invaluable, & heartily recommend it to anyone with a borderline mother. It's rated by the distinguised author's peers, & highly accessible to the laywoman.
www.amazon.co.uk/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765702886

OP - apologies for going off-track on your thread, & I hope you are getting some sound & peaceful sleep.

Yes - apologies OP.

@KettrickenSmiled Yes, not that much to do sometimes. Bipolar is genetic, and my psychiatrists have been convinced it’s my mum, but God bless her if she ever considered herself ‘crazy’☺️

Ive never been able to bring myself to read books about parents though on a personal level ( I was taken into care, and now work with children in care, so I do get the information really)

Best wishes

(I’m a really junior member so it doesn’t matter at this point, or I would of course. But since I have a bit of time, I want it really

How are you OP? He come back yet? Taking his prescription was a nice touch, got you nice and worried. Whether you let him back or not, book that holiday! If he comes back he will double down and more than likely make your life for the next few days, hell on earth. Wade through it and get it booked. Think of your lovely mum to give you that push.