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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

260 replies

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:03

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

OP posts:
QuertyGirl · 16/03/2023 12:04

What did he do?

Honestly, I'd get a divorce in your situation.

SweetSakura · 16/03/2023 12:05

I'm struggling to think of a genuinely victimless crime

Anoisagusaris · 16/03/2023 12:05

What crimes are victimless? Genuine question as I can’t think of any.

Movingonupi · 16/03/2023 12:07

dont think it would be a victimless crime serious enough for a custodial sentence? If my DH did something to get put in prison it would be divorce straight away

TinaYouFatLard · 16/03/2023 12:08

You are a victim of his stupidity at the very least. I hope you don’t have children.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/03/2023 12:08

There is no such thing as a victimless crime. Stop being in denial. You are a victim of his crimes, FFS.

Get to a solicitor and file for divorce. Move with your life.

SweetSakura · 16/03/2023 12:09

On a more constructive note, if you don't already have a counsellor I would really recommend that to help you unpick all your complex feelings (and why you our minimising what must have been a reasonably serious crime)

iwontforgetyoumyfriendwhathappened · 16/03/2023 12:12

It sounds like he's telling you all the things he's truly scared about- thinking you won't care about him any more, won't be there for him etc. Just sounds like he's very scared of losing everything but is not able to articulate that clearly to you so it's coming out in a defensive way instead.
Possibly you are being defensive in your own way, we can't tell from a Mumsnet post of course. And that's not meant to sound judgy or accusing at all so apologies if it comes across that way.
You need time to reflect and consider what made you marry each other in the first place- the vow "for better, for worse" comes to mind so I wouldn't be so quick to leap to divorce. Is this his "for worse?" Can it be faced together with compassion and openness?
I realise he's in prison which adds a whole other dimension to things, but for now focus on what you would like things to look like when he gets out. And whether that's something you can work on together.

Original poster
Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:15

Thank you all for replying , thank you so much!

i think you hit the nail on the head here. He is defiantly scared and worried as most men in prison would be surrounding their relationship I suppose. & I more than likely am defensive in different ways myself yes!

My worry is not when he comes out of prison, I know things will be so happy and amazing, it’s more 1/2/3 years down the line when he is comfortable in society and normality again that concern me the most. Living in fear of him messing up again ect. You’ve given me a lot to reflect on thank you so much!

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 16/03/2023 12:15

As if you think most of the people of mumsnet will be open minded enough to think he's a redeemable character.

Nimbostratus100 · 16/03/2023 12:16

well, stuck in prison he is going to be absolutely paranoid about losing you, and obsessing about it all the time.

If you are sticking by him, then give him some genuine reassurances

Can you talk to him about things in the news? You can say honestly that you can't think of anything to say about daily life, but start the conversation of with other things? It might lead on to more personal thoughts and feelings. Are you phoning?

Original poster
Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:18

I understand it’s a controversial topic. I do personally believe anyone is capable of changing if the fire burns strong enough inside of them for the change. When life is so unbearable that there is not option but change.

however it’s further down the line that is my concern, people get comfortable and easily fall back into old habits (potentially) it’s a risky situation to trust someone again. I allowed him to make my world fall apart by standing by him. I just don’t know if I can risk my future.

then there’s the good old saying of ‘better the devil you know’

OP posts:
Lovelyveg82 · 16/03/2023 12:19

How long has he been imprisoned for?

first offence?

He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence,

no. Such. Thing.

Lovelyveg82 · 16/03/2023 12:20

Children?

Nimbostratus100 · 16/03/2023 12:20

How long is he expected to be in prison?

Original poster
Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:20

It’s just him that can phone out to me, we speak a lot but conversations are sometimes tricky.

i do speak about my day, the news & the weather and generally mundane topics. It gives us a little something to talk about.

i think it’s very hard for me to care about his insecurities when he chose and made the decisions he did of his own free will, even though I begged and pleaded against it…

OP posts:
MumOf2workOptions · 16/03/2023 12:20

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:18

I understand it’s a controversial topic. I do personally believe anyone is capable of changing if the fire burns strong enough inside of them for the change. When life is so unbearable that there is not option but change.

however it’s further down the line that is my concern, people get comfortable and easily fall back into old habits (potentially) it’s a risky situation to trust someone again. I allowed him to make my world fall apart by standing by him. I just don’t know if I can risk my future.

then there’s the good old saying of ‘better the devil you know’

What was the sentence for??

Sunriseinwonderland · 16/03/2023 12:20

How long is his sentence, it makes a huge difference if its 6 months compared to 10 years.

Original poster
Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:22

In his life it is his 3rd offence for the same thing. His 3rd time in prison. Previously only spending weeks & months. His offence was personal drugs related. He was in active addiction before his residential rehab stay; which I also stood by him through after almost watching him die in front of my eyes.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 16/03/2023 12:24

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:22

In his life it is his 3rd offence for the same thing. His 3rd time in prison. Previously only spending weeks & months. His offence was personal drugs related. He was in active addiction before his residential rehab stay; which I also stood by him through after almost watching him die in front of my eyes.

Are. You. Mad.

Why on earth would you support someone who has repeatedly engaged in destructive behaviour and had multiple prison sentences?

What about you? Do you deserve this half-life?

Please get some help to leave him.

Original poster
Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:24

I tried to reply to your comment but it vanished so I’m sorry if it posts twice!

he isn’t sentenced yet, even though he pleaded guilty 1 year and 4 days ago. Very frustrating, I will not know how long until late summer.

OP posts:
igor · 16/03/2023 12:24

Are you not a victim of his crime? You certainly seem to be suffering for something he did.

Original poster
Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:25

As much as it would be some sort of comfort to actually feel that way potentially, I really don’t view it like that. It was my choice to stand by him and I have always had free will to leave. Me being a potential victim to his stupidity is my own stupidity to be honest.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 16/03/2023 12:26

Don't worry how long it is @Evan39

Just move on - he's selfish & never going to change. You only have 1 life. Don't waste it on him.

DanceMonster · 16/03/2023 12:27

Surely the fact that it’s his 3rd offence and his 3rd time in prison shows that he’s not willing to change?