Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

[Evan39]

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

thamesvalleypartnership.org.uk/what-we-offer/support-for-families-of-offenders/

Seek support from a professional who understands. This is a great organisation who, despite the name, cover the whole UK.

3rd time?

He’s telling you he’d rather be in prison than be with you.

You need to listen to him.

I would be extremely nervous & worried mostly as that’s the only time I’ll truly see who he will be and how prison impacted him. I don’t think I would feel overjoyed I need mental preparation of knowing he’s coming out.

Even if she did mean nonviolent, any drug crime is a violent crime.

You can find a list of victimless crimes for those struggling to see past the worst offences (granted, most of them could have victims)

I think you should maybe find a support group for spouses of people in prison and maybe a counsellor if that is something you're able to access as it's a complex and not widely understood issue.

I think I'd probably leave the marriage OP.

@Evan39
Your worth more than this
Send the divorce papers to the jail and wrote to the governor to say that you've started divorce proceedings and your address is not his release address and that he'll have to make alternative arrangements

Thank you. That means a lot & im sorry you’ve been though tough situations yourself also. Thank you for your help 🙏

Once you have made the clear decision to split up, then that needs to be communicated to him and the prison service, so alternative arrangements are made before he comes out.

I can imagine you would find it very hard if he turns up on the doorstep with nowhere else to go, and once he is in, it will be hard to get him out

He can make any bad situation better for himself, which is a great quality!
Shame he doesn't apply the same skills to making his wife's situation better innit.

Just a-shame I never really know what’s real.
Stop accepting his reality, & start focusing on & making your own.
His laments are all about himself, it's time for your needs & wishes to be considered.

@Evan39 it's not a victimless crime for a start you're a victim . Three times in prison he's a repeat offender. He will do it again. He will hurt you again.

You deserve better. Stop visiting. Start living your life.

You might not be ready to hear it, but there is NO SUCH THING as a victimless crime.

Certainly not drugs, where there are thousands of victims along the entire line.

Happily, the number of people who think that women in abusive, unbalanced and dysfunctional relationships have an obligation to 'stand by their man' is getting smaller and smaller.

He has let her down again and again. How many chances should she give him?

Valid… although a little harsh. I accept it.

He does have flowers sent to me and write letters and poems and makes crafts for me.

however like I say I’ll never know what’s real and unfortunately it means what he does do, to try and make life a little more pleasant doesn’t actually mean anything to me because I don’t want flowers from a prisoner or poems or crafts. I didn’t want him to be a prisoner that’s what I wanted 💀

This truly is no way to live.

Google trauma bonding.

Have you had any type of counseling?

How do you manage to live and support yourself? I can imagine him being arrested and going to prison is expensive.

You mention he is charming and can manipulate people.
He likely has sociopathic tendencies which is why he can so easily do it.

He's an empty shell who sees others as a means to an end and that also means you.
He can fein caring when necessary but he truly doesn't care about anyone.

No, it can't be fixed.

Google these things and give yourself permission to leave.

The fact an action has been categorised as a crime means it is something that either harms individuals /a section of society/society as a whole. Therefore no crimes are "victimless".

The fact an action has been categorised as a crime means it is something that either harms individuals /a section of society/society as a whole. Therefore no crimes are "victimless".

Sorry for what you are going through with your husband.
Recreational drug use is not a victimless crime.
You might not see/be aware of the consequences but there is definitely harm caused to others and the rest of society by x person getting whatever fix from said drug use.

Oh @Evan39 I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, it must be hard and also make you feel guilty as the rhetoric is always so strongly in favour of "standing by" people in prison.

To me the issue is not his addiction, it's that he is a practiced and long term (?) liar - I couldn't live with someone whom I couldn't trust as far as I could throw him. You've been there with him through all the normal chances a person would get to sort their life out. Now it sounds like you're looking ahead at this cycle maybe continuing for the rest of your life and thinking "ohhhhh shiiiit". And you're right to do so.

One thing you wrote that worried me was: "i want to be in an honest solid relationship but in this society and generation, I don’t think it’s likely I will ever settle in a long term relationship again probably for self preservation reasons. The only reason I consider staying is because I know what he’s capable of, it takes years to learn what someone new is truly capable of." I don't know about your background but it sounds like you've been hurt before, and definitely hurt by your ongoing relationship which has taught you that people are liars and not to be trusted. That's not the case with everyone, but the longer you stay with him unfortunately the more you'll come to believe this and it will probably make you an even more cynical and sadder person.

You are stuck. We can't tell you what to do with any certainty (although most of us are agreed as to what we would dd). The decision has to come from you and you have to BELIEVE it's the right thing to do.

I would point out that at this point, it doesn't sound like you really BELIEVE that staying is the right thing to do.

It sounds trite, but draw up a list of for and against. And then challenge each statement.

For example:

For
You love him
Better the Devil you know

Against
You can fall in love with someone else who can give you the healthy, stable relationship you know.
You also know what he is capable of, which means you know you are settling.

I think you know deep down, you want to leave but you are scared of being alone/disappointing him/abandoning him etc. You have one life OP, and every right to seek out the best possible existence for yourself. And if there are losers in your choice, then so be it. I would plant the seed of doubt next time you talk. Once you've said it out loud, the fear of telling him you have doubts will be dealt with. A simple "just so you know, I'm struggling and really not sure I am going to be able stick it out this time. I need time to think" will be enough for you to allow yourself the headspace to consider your options.

Then make the list and keep reading it and considering it until you feel more certain - one way or another.

Seriously, wake the fuck up

He had a mental health assessment to support his personal defence for sentencing where he was actually diagnosed with BPD, however I didn’t think to much of it as he could be seen by another professional and diagnosed with something else. There is something though for sure.

Since he left I created my own new business which I’m so passionate about & enjoying so much. I’m blessed my hard efforts bought my my own financial stability but not enough that I can do lots of fun things all the time, but I can luckily stay a float.

After 2 previous stints in Prison, watching him go through rehab and then carrying on I'm not sure how you ever could trust him again.

You can divorce, start your life over, find your self-esteem and self-worth again then decide who you want in your life and who you want to be financially and emotionally tied to.

I’m finding it hard to believe you would be jailed for personal possession, even after getting caught for the third time.

Seriously? Move on with your life. Take the control of your life back instead of being in limbo for someone, who can't seem to stay out of prison.

That's leaving alone the fact that drugs definitely have a host of victims.

I'm surprised he's had to wait that long for a hearing. My ds had to wait 7 months on remand (for much the same sort of offence). And your dh sounds much the same personality - outgoing, optimistic, friendly, popular. People don't seem to understand how compulsive addiction is. Maybe the answer is to move away so that when he comes out, he won't know any local dealers? I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. It's heartbreaking.