Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

[Evan39]

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

Ah, he's a drug dealer.

Grow up and divorce him.

Being single forever is better than this shitty, half life.

Don't you want better for your kids?

An you give a specific example of a crime where there is no victim?

And the relevant law

Well he's let you down countless times if he's in prison for the 3rd time for drug offences.

It's not unreasonable that you feel as you do, he's brought this on himself.

If you want to move forward without him in your life I can't see that any reasonable person would think that's you behaving badly.

It sounds like he's trying to manipulate you in the phone saying you don't care about him any more. If he really cared, he'd have tried to get clean before now. How much better a life would you be having if he wasn't spending on drugs?

Walk away. Now.
Third time in prison ? Drugs? And you think life after prison will be amazing?
No, love, it won’t. Walk away and live your own life.

(Drugs even for person use are never victimless. They fund crime, trafficking and slavery. Gun crime is on the increase and most of it is drug-dealing related )

i do believe any two people can keep a relationship working if they both want to put in the efforts, that means accepting bad things they have done & forgiving. Which indeed I have done ( a lot ) this period of time is filled with me evaluating my life.

i don’t blame him or devalue him for having an addiction which is an illness as you rightly say, he’s done so incredible to be clean and & I am proud regardless of him for this. I’m just so disappointed and I don’t think I’ll ever trust him. Always be worrying about if he could relapse and ruin his life. I know it’s a possibility. I don’t know if I want to live that way. Then many marriages must have problems like this such as - gambling, porn addiction, spending addiction, substance addiction. It must be something so many people experience & partners experience going through watching their loved one go through. It seems hopeless to have a relationship ever again to me.

(People don't generally get custodial sentences like this for possession)

the op can choose not to answer, it is up to them

We don’t have any children because I have not been able to carry a child due to my medications for life long health conditions I can’t carry a baby which is why I didn’t want to say.

Stop trying to analyse it all- it'll never make sense. You can waste your life doing that or move on and start a new, good life.

up to a point, but when your partner is an addict, you are no longer married to the person, you are married to the drug. The OP has given him 3 chance already, This is the 4th. Nothing is going to change

which is why his previous 2 sentences were for 6 weeks & then 3 months. This time he hasn’t been sentenced so nobody knows how long he could get. Likely he could walk free at sentencing given how long he has already served.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He's done this 3 times now.
That's 3 times he's left you in the lurch, forced to carry all the costs & responsibilities of life solo ... & you say his crime is victimless?

Where is your anger?
How DARE he manipulate you like this, when by his own actions HE is the one who has wounded YOU?

You are already dreading him re-offending.
He hasn't valued you & your life together enough to stop doing this to you.
It is not your duty to keep loving a re-offender.
Stop accepting his Stand By Your Man bullshit, & start daydreaming about what YOU want for the rest of YOUR life.
If you want a life free of an addict, that's ok. He's had 3 chances, & you deserve to be free of all this worry & arseache.

Oh, OP - it's not victimless at all, and you are one of those victims. Xx

Drugs, never has and never will a victimless crime.

It's worth knowing most addicts (of anything- not just drugs) will generally relapse an average of 7 times before breaking the cycle- if they break the cycle. You can see how it happens with what you've said about getting comfortable again and ultimately also a "better the devil you know" thing for the addict too.
It's a genuine illness and something he needs support with long term.
Whether you are the person who has to provide support is a whole other question. Nobody on here can tell you what you should or shouldn't do, you know your husband better than anybody on here. I hope you are also getting support for you as well, you matter too.
I would encourage you to seek some counselling and go from there. I wish you all the best with whatever your outcome looks like.

Two things. First of all if he's been imprisoned for a year awaiting trial then he's going to get a very long sentence isn't he? Are you sure you are not minimizing his offence? Secondly, you begged him not to do this. He did do it. He is telling other people that you are in the wrong and yet he is the one in the prison cell.

He has been in prison three times now and he still charming people there from the sound of it. I think you need to get away from this man. What's your situation? Do you have children together? Does your home belong to you, whether it's on a mortgage or rented? Do you work? Do you have friends who don't know anything about him who you can talk to? Are your family helpful?

The main thing here is that your husband is an addict. He's had many chances to find recovery, including rehab, but he hasn't sustained it. An addict who is not in recovery or whose recovery is not solid is not someone who should be in a relationship. With the best will in the world, he will not be able to put in the work on himself that he needs to do. At the very least you and he will need a separation once he leaves prison, lasting at least a year, during which he demonstrated commitment to being clean.

You need to get help for your clear and deep co-dependence. Please look up AdFam - you will be able to find contact details for support groups near you. You need to find your own feet, set clear boundaries and stop enabling him. It's hard.

If you have children with him, you need to divorce. Having an addict for a parent is devastatingly bad for children.

Thank you for telling me it’s okay to leave, I actually teared up reading those words.

@evan39

how would you feel if you pick up the phone right now, and it is him, saying "I've been released, I am on my way home!"

delight? horror? indifference?

Drugs are absolutely not a victimless crime. So much gang violence and trafficking and other awful offences are connected to the drugs trade. Read up on it. There are countries that are absolutely ravaged by drug cartels.

It is OK to leave. It really, really is. Put yourself first. That isn't selfish, it's common sense.

(I have been there, my late husband was an alcoholic. No prison involved but it was still horrific)

Crimes convicted by mumsnetters and their partners and relatives, generally.

You are his victim. And yes, it's absolutely fine for you to leave him, and you should. The first couple of times he was in prison, yu stood by him.You gave him chances. But fundamentally he, for whatever reason, puts you second to his addiction.

Three strikes and he's out I'm afraid. You are worth more in life than this.

He is not awaiting trial. He pleaded guilty immediately, due to the court system and backlogs is the only reason he hasn’t been sentenced.

I’m probably minimising only the impact the offence has had on me but that’s because I know I am responsible for staying.

My home is my own as it’s rented. I set up a business since he left which I’m so proud of, it’s actually going decently, I’ve worked so hard to put my energy into something positive. Then I worry when he comes back if I even entertain him I could lose the foundations of everything I’ve built for myself & emotionally.

i suppose it’s deciding if he is worth it & me feeling guilty to say maybe he’s not.