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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

260 replies

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:03

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

OP posts:
Zola1 · 16/03/2023 16:19

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:58

Valid… although a little harsh. I accept it.

He does have flowers sent to me and write letters and poems and makes crafts for me.

however like I say I’ll never know what’s real and unfortunately it means what he does do, to try and make life a little more pleasant doesn’t actually mean anything to me because I don’t want flowers from a prisoner or poems or crafts. I didn’t want him to be a prisoner that’s what I wanted 💀

I work in child protection and frequently say to women...a man will never be as romantic as he is from a jail cell, prison love letters are absolutely wild. He's pulling put every possible card he can to try to keep you hooked.
Have you tried families anonymous? They are amazing and so so helpful

EyesOnThePies · 16/03/2023 16:44

then there’s the good old saying of ‘better the devil you know’

A saying that can only have been invented by the devil.

Our partners should have our backs. Have total loyalty, never do anything to threaten the security and safety of the one they love. He should make you feel safe, special, treasured - he should be your rock.

And you his.

Your life should be better for having your partner in it. You should not be worrying that your partner could ruin or undermine everything you have built and achieved.

You can't change him just because you want him to change. He undoubtedly has great qualities but the whole point of a relationship is that it makes your life far better. Not that they have other qualities that make your life chaotic, unpredictable, upsetting.

You begged him not to re-offend. He did. He either didn't have the strength to beat his addiction or has no respect for your opinion or emotional health.

You have done amazingly well making your business successful. You can do things. Socialise with people who boost you up and inspire you and don't cause chaos - and leave you having to tell people that you are married to someone n prison.

You are growing your business. Do you want him associated with your address? If he starts on drugs again (he will. Yes, he will) he will steal your stuff, cause some trouble that puts clients off, cause you worry and anxiety that takes your energy away from your talents.

Once someone has outed themselves as a devil in your life, get rid of them, and don't let any future devils in!

EyesOnThePies · 16/03/2023 16:49

Rebecca. OP.
Being a consumer in the drugs trade is not a victimless crime.

Ask the women whose children are held as collateral until they return from a drugs mule mission. Ask the mothers of young teens stabbed to death in drug fuelled gang wars. And so on.

Paedophiles who consume images of children are guilty because they provide a market for the crime being committed in the picture. Drug users are guilty because they consume illegally traded drugs.

Popplesareus · 16/03/2023 16:50

Zola1 · 16/03/2023 16:19

I work in child protection and frequently say to women...a man will never be as romantic as he is from a jail cell, prison love letters are absolutely wild. He's pulling put every possible card he can to try to keep you hooked.
Have you tried families anonymous? They are amazing and so so helpful

Yep. And it's also incredibly easy if you have any sense, to do all the right things in prison, related to relationships outside and behaviour inside.
I work in a related field and I've known hundreds of people who are much, much better people in prison than outside.
And that doesn't necessarily mean that it's faked, it's just an incredibly abnormal environment with none of the challenges or pressures of outside. Though of course it comes with it's own unique problems.
But in prison when being banged up in a cell is so difficult and there's literally nothing to do, people will engage in MH support, drug support, education, work, volunteering, mentoring etc. And often be really good at it. And they say or even believe that they'll do similar when they get out.
But it's a different kettle of fish when you're outside and working means you have to get out of bed at 6 when you could have been out with mates the night before. And going to work means going out in the rain or cold. And it doesn't pay that well and you have real bills. And having a drugs/MH appt isn't just a way to get out of your cell for an hour, but requiring you to travel somewhere when you'd rather watch the telly.
Same as it's easy to be a romantic when you've got little else to do but write letters and make cards and promises. It doesn't mean he doesn't mean it, but meaning it in prison and following through outside are different things.

Lifelessordinary1 · 16/03/2023 16:56

Just to let you know OP my nieces husband got sentenced to 10 years in prison for drug dealing - It was his first offence at age 39 so slightly different- she stood by him and he has been home now for 4 years. They have the best relationship i have ever seen in my life before during and after the prison sentence.

Their two children are bright, confident and successful at school and in life.

But he is one of the few

Many addicts do recover and never take drugs again and many ex prisoners never return to prison. However he is honest that if she had not stood by him his short term albeit stupid way of raising the money to save his business and home would have become his life path afterwards. Prison rarely makes anyone a better or more honest person.

CrosswordConundrum · 16/03/2023 17:00

An ounce of coke - for personal use - on you at one time - yeah right!!! And THAT is why he’s inside as he’s clearly a dealer.

Victimless crime my arse.

Wake up and listen to what you’re being advised by people who work in the prison service and know OP.

PhoenixAuntie · 16/03/2023 17:01

Personal drug use is not a victimless crime, slaves used, county lines and prostitution all go hand in hand.

You are totally fooling yourself, I suggest you watch the film County Lines, it was on I player. Then tell me it’s a victimless crime.

Fragrantandfoolish · 16/03/2023 17:07

Is he a dealer op? People don’t get this length of sentence for being addicts . And this is signficant. So I’d assume if drug related he’s a dealer?

Fragrantandfoolish · 16/03/2023 17:13

CrosswordConundrum · 16/03/2023 17:00

An ounce of coke - for personal use - on you at one time - yeah right!!! And THAT is why he’s inside as he’s clearly a dealer.

Victimless crime my arse.

Wake up and listen to what you’re being advised by people who work in the prison service and know OP.

Sorry I didn’t see your post but yes I agree.

no one goes to jail like this for this length of time for being an addict and she says he’s clean.

so I’m also thinking he’s a dealer. And a fairly major one at that.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 16/03/2023 17:20

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:22

In his life it is his 3rd offence for the same thing. His 3rd time in prison. Previously only spending weeks & months. His offence was personal drugs related. He was in active addiction before his residential rehab stay; which I also stood by him through after almost watching him die in front of my eyes.

I swear to god. I will never understand women who choose to be in a relationship with men like this. Out of all the men in the world. Better off single. THREE TIMES.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 16/03/2023 17:22

i don’t blame him or devalue him for having an addiction which is an illness

You can continue doing this as a single person though.

AcrossthePond55 · 16/03/2023 17:24

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 12:18

I understand it’s a controversial topic. I do personally believe anyone is capable of changing if the fire burns strong enough inside of them for the change. When life is so unbearable that there is not option but change.

however it’s further down the line that is my concern, people get comfortable and easily fall back into old habits (potentially) it’s a risky situation to trust someone again. I allowed him to make my world fall apart by standing by him. I just don’t know if I can risk my future.

then there’s the good old saying of ‘better the devil you know’

You know, people who say 'better the devil you know than the devil you don't' never mention there is very often a third choice...no devil at all. You do have the option to end the relationship and move forward on your own, that's 'no devil at all'.

He's behaving manipulatively towards you with his 'you don't love/care for me', 'you'll leave me', etc. That's all designed to make you 'prove him wrong'. Don't fall for it. You have the right to make a decision in your own time, with no pressure from him.

Since he hasn't been sentenced yet and since this is his 3rd offense (which should weigh heavily in your decision) I'm assuming he'll get a custodial sentence. This means you have time to make a decision. Don't let him or anyone else rush you. Seek counseling or other support to examine your feelings and your choices. You don't need to be his 'Saviour', neither need you kick him down the road. You just need to make the decision that is right for you.

Summerfun54321 · 16/03/2023 17:25

You only have one life, don't waste it with someone you feel sorry for. There are no medals waiting for you on your death bed for staying married to a convict addict.

Iflyaway · 16/03/2023 17:26

Living in fear of him messing up again ect.

Tells you all you need to know.

You have your life ahead of you. Don't waste it on him and find yourself in the same predicament 10 years down the line - maybe with kids god forbid. (Sorry if you already have them).

No-one deserves to "live in fear", That's no way to live.

Fragrantandfoolish · 16/03/2023 17:26

Did you really not know op? And if this was dealing. How did you think the money came in?

and also the bollocks about his job. Do you really believe that? I can’t decide if you’re a seasoned liar or very gullible.

but three times, and you had to start working to get money when he left. I’m not sure.

googgodno · 16/03/2023 17:30

"Just to let you know OP my nieces husband got sentenced to 10 years in prison for drug dealing - It was his first offence at age 39 so slightly different- she stood by him and he has been home now for 4 years. They have the best relationship i have ever seen in my life before during and after the prison sentence.

Their two children are bright, confident and successful at school and in life.

But he is one of the few

Many addicts do recover and never take drugs again and many ex prisoners never return to prison. However he is honest that if she had not stood by him his short term albeit stupid way of raising the money to save his business and home would have become his life path afterwards. Prison rarely makes anyone a better or more honest person."

Fucking hell. That is not a decent relationship. So it's all on her to "stand by him" or he's straight back to the dealing? Horrid relationship for your niece to be in, I bet you don't know the half of what goes on behind closed doors there @Lifelessordinary1

Minfilia · 16/03/2023 17:32

OP, the reality is that he’s a mentally ill, drug addicted narcissist who’s in and out of prison and contributing nothing meaningful to your life.

Don’t you think you deserve better?

(and it’s far from a victimless crime. He’s funded people trafficking, cost the taxpayer significant amounts of money and screwed his wife over royally for a start)

luxuryisforme · 16/03/2023 17:40

I'm sorry OP but this isn't a healthy situation for you , addicts are charmers and manipulators and you will never be able to feel secure in life with this person

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 17:42

I didn’t know he was an addict until the final year of his 5 year active addiction, as I was going through a life long health diagnosis & medications in & out of hospital. The last thing I ever thought is that he was an addict. It’s only when the symptoms of the addiction which he couldn’t hide because it was so extreme, that I began picking up on things. Such as shouting/name calling him being fairly angry & never coming home until late. It was a horrible time of my life. At first he made excuses and lied as much as he could to hide it (as all addicts in active addiction do) very skilled at hiding things. I was just to busy trying to make things work with him and not knowing the problem and thinking I was the problem of why he was angry ect.

OP posts:
Evan39 · 16/03/2023 17:46

Right now. All I want is happiness and peace. I certainly don’t want a repeat of the last decade. I do want more, I still have dreams & hopes for my future & I do want a better life. It’s only the what if’s and hearing him sweet talk and promise me things will be different that play on my mind. I’m very aware that talk is cheap and that’s why I posted this thread. I just want to do the best thing for myself honestly.

OP posts:
Ellie474747 · 16/03/2023 17:49

I think before you make a decision you need to work on your self esteem and the way you view yourself, your concepts, beliefs etc. This is what is making you reach out and unsure, as this can be scary thing to face, as it means facing your true self and reality. Making a decision when your feeling vulnerable is what's causing the doubt in your mind.
Give yourself the next month, to not think of the relationship and what you will do next and to focus to work on you, and try to build up some social life join some groups, you say you have started a business there are a lot of shared workspaces, women in business groups you could maybe try.

The reason I say this, as when you do this your perspective may change and make this an easier decision for you.
Dont feel guilty for not wanting to stay in this, you will see this as you grow your self worth.

Also you should be with someone based on reality not potential. As potential may not happen.

luxuryisforme · 16/03/2023 17:52

Evan39 · 16/03/2023 17:46

Right now. All I want is happiness and peace. I certainly don’t want a repeat of the last decade. I do want more, I still have dreams & hopes for my future & I do want a better life. It’s only the what if’s and hearing him sweet talk and promise me things will be different that play on my mind. I’m very aware that talk is cheap and that’s why I posted this thread. I just want to do the best thing for myself honestly.

You are getting some good advice on this thread, I would take it and have a serious think to yourself about what you really want and be honest with yourself about what the relationship had been really like

I hope everything works out for you x

pinkstripeycat · 16/03/2023 18:01

He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence,

no. Such. Thing.

Yes there is. Ask a policeman as I did. Offences against the Crown are all victimless. Pwits is one. Many driving offences. Some public order offences, there may be witnesses but not victims. Afray.

TheSunshineSanctuary · 16/03/2023 18:06

Oh lovely, your DH doesn’t deserve the agony you’re putting yourself through.

I’m getting the impression that your relationship is too big a decision to make right now and you need a bit more time to work that through. That’s ok. There isn’t a right or wrong way to deal with this. You’ve been given some great advice on here and a different perspective to consider. So maybe just sit with it all for a bit, give your muddled feelings space to settle and try not to overthink it. Take some deep breaths.

In the meantime shift your focus to you. Right now it seems to be on your DH, which is hardly a surprise as he’s still making it all about him and you clearly feel responsible for his wellbeing (you’re not).

Firstly you need to give yourself far more credit. You’ve had your world turned upside down yet again but you’ve picked yourself up, got on with things on your own and started a business. You did that! And you did it all by yourself and for yourself. Feel proud - seriously - that’s pretty damn inspirational right there! You are so much stronger, braver and resilient than you’re giving yourself credit for.

Please read that last paragraph again until it sinks in.

Relationship aside, what is it you want? And you don’t have to have all the answers but what would you like to explore or change? Maybe write an ideal world wishlist and then pick one thing and give it a go. There will be up’s and down’s but just go with it - focus on what feels right to do, not what you think you should do. Time to put yourself first.

Understand the worries about cost but you’d be surprised what opportunities are out there once you’ve had chance to clear your mind a bit and can open your thinking. As suggested by PP, charities take many forms including cultural things such as museums and theatres, which may provide an added bonus of being able to see shows or being involved in events for free while volunteering, if that’s your thing. If you don’t want to volunteer then how about a walking / knitting / book / 5 aside football group?? Try and find local Facebook pages and take a look at sites like Eventbrite and Meetup for ideas to get you started. Consider doing some work on your mental wellbeing e.g. meditation / self help books / yoga.

Up to you how much of this personal exploration you share and in how much detail with your DH. Maybe think about the frequency you’re talking and whether the current set up suits you or if it’s really just for his benefit? How do you feel about always needing to be available for when he calls / to visit him?? Less often may give you some much needed head space to work out how you feel, allow you to explore some things for you; it’ll also mean it’s less of a chore and you can have more to talk about when you do speak. After all, it’s his decisions that have resulted in this situation, if he’s missing out then that’s on him.

If you do decide to share your exploration with your DH please pay attention to how he responds - is he genuinely interested and pleased for you, relieved you’re doing ok? Or dismissive, angry that you’re doing things without him or turning it around to make you feel guilty or feel sorry for him?

If he says you don’t care then don’t feel obliged to justify yourself just to make him feel better, that’s making everything about him again and is manipulative - if he feels bad then maybe he should think about why that is. If obvious that if you didn’t care then you wouldn’t be so hurt that he’s made the decisions he has without considering you and your feelings. He’s the one that needs to make the effort to build up trust but that will take time and he has to accept you need time and space in the meantime to process - if he’s genuine about putting this right then he’ll accept that and put your needs first for a change.

Whatever you decide to do, make sure you build your life for you and then see how you feel after all of that. One foot in front of the other and just get through a day at a time. Good luck - even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, you’ve got this x

pheonixrebirth · 16/03/2023 18:18

I was with my ex for 5 years and like you, I was oblivious to his addiction till 3 years in.
He had a cocaine induced seizure and broke his hip when he fell.

I then found out that he'd had half a dozen of these seizures and it never occurred to him to stop the cocaine.
I had never had any dealings with drug addiction and he kind of used my naivety against me. I felt like a fool for being so trusting.

I was with him another 2 years because he promised to stop. I also started reading up as much as I could so I could spot the signs. I saw these signs all the time and he would lie to me to explain things away and make me doubt my own mind.
It was an awful way to live because as much as I loved him and wanted to trust and believe in him, I couldn't.

A good few nights of him going awol, not eating cos he was high, rages, losing his job, AGAIN! And I was done.
I was tired of being on guard, constantly looking out for signs, financially supporting him and doing everything else myself, the daily chores, going to work, washing, cooking and of course making sure he had his beers and tobacco.

I realised that this would always be my life if I stayed with him and I knew that I wanted better for my life and future. And more than that, I bloody well deserved better.
Like your husband he was a sweet talker and it was all that "me and you against the world " bulllshit! But there's only so many times that you can believe that.

Get out now, whilst he's still inside and make the best life you can for you.
I can't help think that you know you deserve better but your scared to admit it for some reason?
I just