Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

[Evan39]

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

Well that’s all very interesting 🧐 except OP has already said this is a drugs offence and given the amount in his possession is likely dealing, hence the prison sentences.

Op you deserve to live in the peace you so desire. But you will not get that with this man. There are too many battles he has to overcome and all of this stress must have made your health conditions worse.

The reality is he needs intense and consistent therapy to deal with whatever historic trauma he has not dealt with and which makes him make these poor choices including using to mask whatever pain he is trying to block out. Years and years of therapy which he engages in and a shit tonne of self awareness. Has he got that in him to stick with it and deal with past pain…very unlikely.

You are wasting the good years of your life as you cannot save or change him. He will reoffend and you just have to decide do you want this life or not. If you have recovered from your health worries, then see this as a second chance for you. Don’t waste it. We all need a cut off point, you have done your best but it’s enough now. I wish you very the best.

He doesn't seem to be learning much from his 'victimless' crimes though, does he? Even after 3 times in prison and rehab. If he's an addict, just so you know the whole grubby process of getting the drugs from the poppy or coca fields and into his veins or up his nose is far from victimless. There's a whole train of victims all along that rather unpleasant production, smuggling and dealing route. Hey, it could even be your own sisters 13 year old child manning the county lines crack den supplying DH.

But like you say, it's victimless anyway.

You are a victim of his crimes

so true , if I had a driving accident at fault it would totally fuck things up for my family

your allowed to be angry at the major impact it’s had on you

Id say you need to do some serious thinking abiut what needs to change when he
comes out - and he’ll probably get early parole ?

You are completely wrong - it was not manipulative behaviour from inside prison to guilt trip her into keeping them together it came from an honest frank adult discussion - whilst i was there - about the consequences of being in prison and losing everything he had. Without her and the children there would have been no point trying to rebuild and he might as well of just enjoyed the periods of having great money.

And there is absolutely nothing going on behind closed doors that is dubious. I stayed with them for 6 months whilst having cancer treatment that is why i know their situation so well. My niece is a strong independent woman who would not take any crap from anyone. They have the most most amazing trusting and supportive relationship i have ever seen. You do not know my niece - If it was how you think it has to be - she would have been out of there like a shot.

Not everyone who goes to prison is a manipulative c**t and not every prisoners partner is a weak walked all over doormat.

People need to take responsibility for themselves though. Even if she'd chosen to move on because that was what was best for her and the children, she wouldn't have been responsible for what happened to him after prison. He would have been responsible for his own actions, not her.

In the OP's case, it doesn't matter if she could 'save' her husband or not... she's entitled to prioritise her own wellbeing.

You are completely right and that is the basis of their whole relationship - my niece has never and will never take on the responsibility for him and his actions and he would never expect her too. If she had decided to move on he would have respected and supported that decision - she did not 'save' him - he did not need saving - this discussion happened two years after his release and was in the context of what had happened to all his co-d's and the fact they had all returned to dealing on release from prison. there was not a single element of coercion in the conversation.

The main difference between her and the OP's situation is that her partner has never been an addict and had no history of offending so there was no repeating pattern of behaviour.

I only gave this example to show it is not the same for everyone - some people in this situation do live happily ever after but as i stated this is not the norm it depends on the individuals involved.

Given his history and this not being his first rodeo, the chances of him ‘reoffending’ are pretty high. Your job isn’t to reassure him, you aren’t the reason he is there or the reason he won’t reoffend.

I think deep down you know the chances of him reoffending and him doing more stints in prison are pretty high, the other shoe will probably always drop, it’s up to you wether you waste even more of your life waiting for it to.

He’s piling on the pressure in an attempt to exert control over his life but you need to remember that you aren’t the reason he’s there. He should be reassuring you but he isn’t because he’s his priority and you will always be an option. Never, ever prioritise someone who treats you as an option.

It’s time you think about your future, do you really want to be back here in five years? If not, then you can’t keep making the same mistake of staying.

BTW, I think there's a difference between the technical classification "victimless crime" in which there is no named victim for the police report, and the idea of victimless crime which, as we all know, doesn't really exist.

In this case, I think it must be the technical meaning of the phrase.

Not leaving someone out of fear of what they will do/what will happen to them is understandable, but it is NOT your responsibility. If he does do "something" it will be his choice, as an adult, and absolutely nothing to do with you. His actions are not your responsibility, any more than a random man in the street's actions are your responsibility.

There are victimless crimes, such as certain types of political protest.

I'd suggest an adult smoking home-grown weed at home alone, also.