Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

[Evan39]

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

Well the fact that this is the 3rd time tells you that your feeling is probably correct. He may be remorseful now, but he is likely to do it again. It is hard. How long will he be in prison for? I think if it was me, I would look at rebuilding my life without him.

Drugs are not a victimless crime. I feel for him being an addict because the support in this country is crap for people with addictions, but people are exploited at all stages of the drug cycle and people buying them helps facilitate this. You deserve better than to be stuck in this cycle, my brother is an addict and it destroys the people around them. You shouldn't have to live in suspence as to whether he's going to do it again, honestly move on.

Not a victimless crime by a hell of a long way. Who sold him the drugs? He'll be helping perpetuate things like county lines etc. I'd guess around 90% of crimes have a direct or indirect link to drugs. People steal to fund it. I've been on jury service for a non drugs case which was still linked to drugs. You're kidding yourself.

(((HUG)))

I'm sorry to hear you're unable to carry a baby, that's a devastating blow if you wanted children 🌷

Not having children with him, however, does mean you can have a clean break with him.

You have your own (rented) house, family, friends AND your own business, which you sound happy about. Imagine the lovely little life you could have if you weren't devoting so much if you life & headspace to him.

It sounds to me, that you've read up/had counselling (religion?) about being the 'good wife' & 'standing by your man'

It sounds like you love (loved?) him & no one is ALL bad, I'm sure he has some good points.

BUT it sounds like you come from a background where YOUR needs, wants, thoughts, didn't really count for much & you focus on meeting other peoples needs, not your own (sadly like many of us).

Having to prepare yourself if he was released tells me you know you need to divorce him. You know you're not going to be able to trust him not to do the same thing again.you shouldn't put yourself through waiting for the other shoe to drop.

it's hard to want to know what he'll be like when he comes out & to wonder if he's reformed, I get that!, but honestly he's had chances in the past & he's just ended up doing it again & ending up inside again.

I know a lady in her 80's now who I met in hospital, who has spent her whole life with her husband in & out of jail, always promising he'd be different. He eventually died in prison & she is very sad she's now alone & wasted her life, living just waiting to visit or waiting for him to go back inside.

don't be her in 50 years 🌷

Oh wow, thank you so much, your reply is so insightful especially given your personal life situation you have experienced in the past.

i do indeed realise and know I don’t need him. I cope just fine apart from the thoughts in my head and a little loneliness. Both he and I agree the relationship would have ended if he were not in prison because he wouldn’t have had the force pushed on him to change. I had 3 short weeks of enjoying the clean him after rehab before his arrest after years of struggle.

i also realise his life is currently stress free and that he is delusional in thinking life will not be hard & stressful for him when he comes out to create the stability needed even for himself work wise ect.

it’s so incredible to hear how things turned out for you, I truly wish and hope with all my heart the same can happen for me, but I know I must let go first.

If he's done it three times he's highly likely to do it again.

How would you feel about your own self respect and self worth if/when he does it for a fourth time?

There's no crime related to the drugs trade that is genuinely "victimless" - the fact that you would write about it in this way suggests that you urgently need some help to reframe your situation more realistically, so that you can move on with your life and he doesn't come out of prison expecting you to still be in thrall to him. He is using psychological coersion and control tactics on you to make sure you don't get a chance to build your own life while he is inside.

Get away from him. You don't need him. Talk to Women's Aid.

Addiction is extremely powerful, and it IS an illness.

That said, it is not your role in life to fix him.

Living with an addict is like being in a burning building. It starts off feeling manageable. But it ALWAYS spirals, and gets worse and worse. You can't reason with fire or addiction. You can't appeal to its better nature. You can't ask it to put your needs ahead of its own. You can't fix it, stop it, or prevent it causing irreversible harm.

All you CAN do is walk away. If you walk away, the fire will rage on regardless, but it won't have you as fuel to keep it going.

You don't deserve to be sacrificed to this addiction, you are not responsible for anything he does or doesn't do, you are not responsible for his mental health.

Continuing to engage in the behaviour DESPITE consequences is one of the hallmarks of addiction. It's not that they don't love you enough to put you first - it's that they are incapable of putting ANYTHING ahead of the addiction. And you do not have to put up with that.

You are allowed not to want to be second best.

You are allowed to want to be free of this.

You are allowed to feel bad for him, and to want to forgive and support him, but also to distance yourself from the marriage.

It's OK to not want this to be your life.

You need to tell yourself very clearly that you have a right to a decent peaceful life. This will leave you free to move on with a clear conscience. And move on you must.

You are not his social worker, his nurse, his carer. You have no responsibility for his well-being.

You have one crack at life - move on now and live it.

I'm one that believes that people deserve second chances (depending on the crime/offense of course) Since it didn't seem to be a major offence I was going to suggest that you should focus on enriching your life by getting involved in activities and get counseling to help you work thru your feelings. This way you have things to talk to him about and to keep you busy.

But then I read more of your comments and got to the one where he's been in prison THREE times for the same offense...!!! And for drug use. That's a deal breaker for me. He's a habitual user & offender and I'm sorry to say I doubt he will change. In your situation I would divorce. You also have to think of your future, what kind of job would he able to get? Would he be able to hold down a job if he got one? I couldn't live with that much uncertainty.

Yes, this

Me too. There are always victims.

It's good that he's getting on well in prison - it means you don't need to feel guilty about splitting from him - as you say, he can make any situation good. As someone else said, let the prison know that your address is not his release address.

Maybe in ten years time if he's remained clean and crime free you could consider him again, but I expect you'll have moved on with your life without the constant nagging worry about him in your head.

Both he and I agree the relationship would have ended if he were not in prison because he wouldn’t have had the force pushed on him to change. I had 3 short weeks of enjoying the clean him after rehab before his arrest after years of struggle.

Maybe you need to focus on what he brings/adds to your life - because bpd or NPD plus drug addiction and prison time don't sound like much fun for you.

You don't have any faith the future he is offering will actually happen leaving you stuck.

His behavior led him to where he is - you can't change him - you can't stay because you fear you might feel guilty for leaving or get judged by others. He's had your support and still fucked up and sadly chances are good he'll do it again.

You need to focus on you and your needs - and work out what you want to do.

He sounds very controlling.
This could be your chance to get your own life and peace of mind.

What do your friends and family think of him? Are they horrified you are with him?

You can’t let your life be ruined by him “for love”.

I don't understand why you would stay with him. So this is his third offence?

It won't be his last either.

He’s not learning, OP. He’s undergone drug rehabilitation each time he’s been in prison and each time he’s gone straight back to it. Each time he has committed more crimes and each time he has failed you. And no, drug offences are not ‘victimless crimes’. But I think you know that.

Leave, have your own lovely life free of him ruining it all.

There's no such thing as a victimless crime. Blood is shed over the production of drugs even if your DH didn't hurt in one himself.
Unless he's growing weed for personal use only, which doesn't get you a third custodial stint.
Leave him. His problems and fuck ups are his own, not yours. Leave and go and find someone better.

Why are you trying to speak for her and put words in her mouth? There's absolutely no evidence that OP didn't mean exactly what she said. In fact she explicitly said that the crime "only effected himself".

Oh shit borderline pd too!
Fucking run. Imo it's even worse than npd. At least in the 2 cases I've seen. Like npd..
but with extra manipulation and drama. Tbf all these things vary in degrees in areas like sadism, malignancy and empathy. It's a spectrum. But id still be off running.

That asside, seriously op I could have given benefit of the doubt once...but the second time he went to jail would have been it, no question. Certainly not hanging around a third time for a year! What are you thinking!

And his crime onto victimless. YOU are the victim. You've put your life on hold for this tit. Waiting about for him to come out and, probably, pull the same shit again at some point.

@Evan39 , I am struggling to believe that he pleaded guilty over a year ago but hasn't been sentenced. Are you in England?

As my username suggests, I am a magistrate (JP) and if he pleaded guilty at magistrates and then got sent to Crown for sentence, these hearings are usually within a few weeks. (Last week we were sending to Crown for dates in mid April). If he went from magistrates to Crown and pleaded guilty there, the sentence is usually given on the day of plea. Sometimes there can be a delay of a few weeks for pre-sentence reports to be prepared but a gap of more than a few weeks between plea and sentencing is very rare. Do you think he is afraid of telling you how long the sentence actually is, in case it scares you off?

The other thing is that you state it is 'personal drugs' related. Not being funny but you don't end up in prison for being caught with a personal quantity of drugs (it is possible but exceedingly rare). He must have been charged / pleaded guilty to possession with intent or being concerned in the supply of drugs or another 'heavy' crime related to the drugs.

I do wonder if you are being told the truth at all, I'm sorry.

@Evan39 - I work with people in your situation. Feel free to contact me.

In his life it is his 3rd offence for the same thing. His 3rd time in prison

Hell of a dripfeed OP, even though this time he's actually awaiting sentencing.
I'm also surprised he's been repeatedly jailed if there was absolutely nobody else involved, no damage done except to himself, etc., but then I'm no expert in how these things work

Anyway there's no way I'd put up with this - it's lovely that you've built some financial stability with your own business, but do you really want to allow him to ruin that too by spending it all on more drugs?

In his life it is his 3rd offence for the same thing. His 3rd time in prison

You are absolutely in denial. He will not change. He didn't change the first time, or the second. Why would he change now?

I really hope you don't have kids with him. Open your eyes and get the divorce started now.