Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

[Evan39]

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

Why are you putting up with this godshyte? What are you getting from having a husband in prisión who is messing with your head, who you will probably have to financially support and who will probably end up in jail again? All this sacrifice for what? How about cutting him loose and being single or finding someone normal who will take care of you?

I assume what the OP means with ''victimless'' is that her partner did not commit a violent crime.

Still, I personally would not stand by someone who has committed crimes like tax or benefit fraud or stolen at work for example that some people might consider ''victimless''.

Because it is a reflection of the person's character that they were willing to put their family through all this mess because of money.

Also if this is his first offence, it must still be significant enough for him to end up for more than a year in jail.

So up to you OP but frankly I would not concern myself with your husband's worries.

He got himself in this mess and should face the consequences and count himself lucky if you are still there for him at the end of his sentence.

No. Your decision is stupid. But you are not stupid.

For whatever reason, you feel you must stay with this loser. You've lost sight of what you deserve - and it's certainly not this multiple recidivist.

I assume friends & family have tried to dissuade you from staying?

I agree that (some) people can change. But someone who has been imprisoned 3 times for that same thing doesn't sound like someone who will change.

OP you're so clearly the victim. Emotionally and mentally

So he’s drug addict?
unemployed pre imprisonment?
his third time? Not been sentenced but now been in prison for a year?

it’s a risky situation to trust someone again. I allowed him to make my world fall apart by standing by him.

3x he has made your world fall apart.

do you have children?

Do you mean defiantly scared or definitely scared as that makes a difference to how much I feel for him.

I do feel for you, either way. That’s tough.

Does he see how his decisions have affected you? Is he genuinely sorry, or more sorry for himself? Have you been able to express your anger, frustration and fear to him, or is it literally all about him? I do have some sympathy for the fear and stress he is going through, but it seems that he committed the crime despite you begging him not to, so he doesn't have a great history wrt listening to you or considering your feelings.

I do know people who have been to prison and have turned their lives around, going on to become valuable members of their communities. Those are the exceptions, though. I know far more who just settle into a pattern of offending, making excuses, being caught etc. The difference (as far as I can tell) seems to lie in genuine remorse and reflection, rather than self pity and excuses.

I believe there are charities which support the families of prisoners, can you reach out to them? It might help to talk to people who have been where you are.

Deep Down I am so mad that I just cry. I don’t think mad even describes it because I am mostly mad at myself knowing I am responsible for my life and nobody else.

i want to be in an honest solid relationship but in this society and generation, I don’t think it’s likely I will ever settle in a long term relationship again probably for self preservation reasons. The only reason I consider staying is because I know what he’s capable of, it takes years to learn what someone new is truly capable of.

wow, that is really tough, and NO! drugs is not a victimless crime, to the slaves producing them or the children dragged in to supplying them, the whole scene is littered with the corpses of the innocent.

And you husband is an addict, and you have already stood by him for a very long time, through many cycles.......

I think you may well have done as much as can be done

Do you have children. My feeling is if you do, then remove them from this situation

I change my vote to divorce, now I know what he has done.

I cannot understans why you’d call drugs a victimless crime!

Why do people bother getting married? 'In sickness and in health' seems like a load of bollocks to me.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through OP but I think there are two many 'black and white' thinkers here. Addiction is an illness. You've chosen to stand by him so I don't see what use all the 'ltb' comments are.

In his life it is his 3rd offence for the same thing. His 3rd time in prison.

For fuck's sake, op, do you not value your own life at all? How can your standards be this low? You have already wasted so much time and emotional energy on this loser, when is enough enough?

Oh thanks so much for your reply!

Oh yes he is sorry he cries a lot about how guilty he feels, and I believe he genuinely means it. He’s has became a role model prisoner with head leading job in the entire prison. He’s very much got a way with words & gift of the gab so to say. He can make any bad situation better for himself, which is a great quality! Just a-shame I never really know what’s real.

I find it hard to know what’s best. Pros and cons to everything in life and I just can’t reach a conclusion. Perhaps like you say some support from a professional could help me reach it but I know ultimately the answers are already within me.

I'm so sorry OP, this must be very hard, but seriously. Third time! I think he's run out of chances.

Run, run like the wind, and don’t look back.

You sound broken down and accepting that this is your lot in life going forward, it isn’t. You don’t mention children so this could be a very clean fast break, either way even if there are children involved do you really want to raise them with man with no moral compass.

Tell him that he gave up all rights to think he knows how you are feeling when he put you in this situation. You are being manipulated.

You have steadfastly ignored my question x2 re whether children are involved

So I will presume they are

It’s not just your world that he scorches OP, it’s your children as well. Do not let a drug addict multiple offender back in to your home

Your judgement is every bit as bad as his, and the proof is that you actually think his crimes are victimless. It's absolutely staggering that you believe this.

You should want more for your life, and it's tragic that you don't. What a waste.

I am guessing he hasn’t been in gainful employment for many years if at all?

How are you faring financially?

Drug offences are not victimless. However he procured the drugs, or the means to grow them himself if that's what he's done, he has been part of a system that causes immeasurable harm to vulnerable people. Some of them children.

You are minimising his crime and he's on his 3rd prison sentence for the same thing. Honestly no, the chances for rehabilitation and change don't look good. It seems likely that he will just continue to behave in the same way.

I think you need some counselling to sort though what is best for you.

The uncertainly of how long he'll finally get - the uncertainty that he won't continue with his drug use in the future - it's all adversely affecting you and your ability to move forward with your life.

He could despite, his crimes and drug, use be a wonderful man to be around but even so at the moment and for quite a long time it sound like he's brought your life down. You are allowed to be happy and want a nice future. You can't save him - that's on him - and if you have reached your limit with him then for both your sakes leave - you won't find a better life if you don't even look for one and you staying in a bitter and resentful relationship won't help him.

Move on and live your life for yourself. You are a person in your own right, not a support human being. You don't have to make things ok for him. That's not your job.

There are plenty of victimless crimes. The government is making new ones at an alarming rate. Just have a look at Amnesty International's list.

That's on top of political policies making it hard for some (e.g. some disabled people who are victims of private companies controlling whether they're allowed money for food) to survive without using crime as a last resort. Many have died as a result, but I wouldn't blame any who stole food instead.

My grandmother was in prison for the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament's campaign. We're very proud of her.

Wow. So many unhelpful replies. OP's wording was off. She meant it was a non-violent crime.

@Evan39, I really wouldn't bother. You know there will be loads of issues and he's not even been sentenced after a year. It's going to be a long road ahead. I'd just move on because leaving isn't going to get any easier