Husband in prison, struggling with my feelings, husband thinks I don’t care anymore

[Evan39]

hi all, I have been with my husband for over a decade. He is currently 1 year into his victimless crime sentence, he did something stupid that only effected himself. I have learned to put myself first since he has been gone, I am still finding myself & healing. I do visit him 2 times a month, we’ve spoken throughout the day/ evening since he has been gone.

However, often there is not much to talk about I have a pretty mundane life, with the cost of living I really don’t ever get up fun things. I have many mixed feelings & emotions towards my husband which I’m brutally honest with him about, hate & love. Due to my disconnect he tries to tell me how I feel. He tells me that I don’t care, that I don’t love him ect. Which is not acceptable to tell other people how they feel & he has pushed me away a lot, my feelings of love reduce further.

He is a good man at heart & has good intentions for his future, but I will never be able to trust him again due to him only putting himself first (how he ended up in prison) which I’ve also been honest about.

i feel very stuck & I’m not sure where to go from here anymore. I’m very confused, a lot of mixed emotions. I do have friend and family support but it’s hard to express how I feel as honestly as it is to people that don’t know me and writing things out is also easier than speaking for me.

who's name is the tenancy in? By BPD do you mean borderline personality disorder ( can be impossible to live with) or Bipolar disorder ( can be managed) - not that it matters, I really do vote divorce,

It’s lovely to hear a positive insight, I would truly like to believe there is a relationship where I am able to trust again. Unfortunately right now it’s not something I can believe. I feel safer alone like nobody can cause me stress.

& im in the same boat as what you wrote, it’s his lies that are the problem. I know that’s what addiction does, turns people into very good liars … however I think he’s a very skilled liar full stop.

Drugs offences are not a victimless crime and he’d be out the door for me I’m afraid.

So he is on remand. I don’t think people get put on remand ( which is an expensive way of making sure someone turns up for a court case) unless there is a very real expectation that they will either disappear , will intimidate witnesses or will re offend. Which is it OP?

My home is just in my name, & he will respect my decision to leave if that’s what I want to do. He’s not the type to cause me problems because I leave or anything. He has his own family support thankfully!

& yes BPD as in borderline personality disorder.

You are enabling him by staying in the marriage. If he’s ever likely to change, you leaving him is more likely to give him a kick in the butt than you hanging around waiting for him like a doormat.

I don’t think there’s a single person that would say “Better the devil you know” is a valid statement in your circumstances.

It's absolutely OK for you to leave. You really don't have to live like this and you deserve a life that isn't being continually wrecked by a convicted drug dealer. We get one life. How many more years of your life are you going to let him ruin.

Dear OP. I grew up with a violent alcoholic as a father. I'm now trying to support my brother through what I suspect are the final stages of his alcoholism. This evil substance, it seems, has followed me throughout my life, inflicting my family members, indirectly killing at least one of them (throat cancer) and involving a very traumatic upbringing for me. And still I can't be rid of it.

I know what it's like living with an addict. It's no picnic. I also know denial to be the devil on the shoulder of anyone suffering through an addiction, and this can also transmit itself to their loved ones, who really don't want to admit that things are as bad as they know they are. Your partner claims to be 'clean', but he's in prison for the third time on drug-related offences, and drugs are so rife in these places that it will be a miracle if he stays off them for the duration of his sentence.

Research says an addict serious about their recovery will relapse on average 7 times. What they also say is that every single day in recovery is a battle. It never goes away.

Family members of those with substance addictions are taught to observe three truths. You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it.

The only thing you can control is you, and you're entitled at some stage to say: 'enough. It's time now for me to live for ME'.

I strongly recommend you get in contact with your local family support group for the relatives of those battling with addiction. I'm a member of one run by Forward Connect Trust. Most members are the parents or partners of those with addiction, but as a concerned sister I'm welcomed with open arms: my brother has no partner and our parents are dead, so he only has me.

Get some support for yourself: you deserve this much. Through the support and understanding of fellow group members who are going through the same thing you are, who completely 'get it' and will never judge you or your family member, you can come to your own decisions about your life.

It's good that you're carving out your own life without him.

He lies because it suits him to and he benefits from it. He'll never stop as that is who he is.

It truly is ok to call time on this marriage.

This.

The @Evan39 is a victim in this. He seems very selfish.

You won’t be able to trust him again because it’s accurate that you can’t trust him. He is not trustworthy.

Maybe with twenty years of hard-won sobriety and faultless behaviour he will prove himself changed but that is unlikely. And that is not something to waste your life hoping for.

You need to end this relationship - you need to break your own unhealthy addictive behaviour (ie being with him in a toxic situation) and be free.

His manipulations and pressures over the phone prove he is not taking responsibility even now.

It's all very well to " stand by your man" but after being in prison 3 times this is now a pattern and a way of life for him. An occupational hazard
I think he has manipulated you and ground you down to accept this
It's time to set yourself free and live your life
I suggest counselling to work through your choices
You have agency if you use it
By the time he is released I hope you'll see that he doesn't deserve you

The BPD is concerning. Have you had any advice on the likelihood of successful management of this?

After watching my niece with a addict for a partner who ended up being an addict too. I don't know what to say really. Addicts are paranoid, liars and thief's. And the families and relations suffer too. What can you do to help when all ppl say is they have to want to help them selves? I no longer have contact after refusing to give them money.

I can see why he is turning on the charm and desperate to hang on to you.

There is no victimless crime, apart from victims of drug dealing you are also his victim.

Upthread you said "better the devil you know" - this is never true when it comes to life partners. You can live a happy life as a single, you can be open to meeting someone else if you wish. You don't need a drug dealing liar with a line in charm. How many decades do you want to spend like this? I find it interesting that your grew and made your own business whilst he was away - what stopped you doing this whilst he was there? Sounds like you do better without him tbh.

However if you decide to prioritise your future life get advice and support from a support group, women's aid or similar.

He will turn on the charm big time if his cosy future with a roof and income is threatened and you will need help to stick with your decision.

I would leave the relationship OP.

When he cries and begs you to stay loving him, he isn’t telling you that he won’t ever do it again is he.
He knows deep down he will fall back to drugs again.
You know deep down you can’t trust him ever again.

When you cried and begged him not to risk going to prison, did he listen. No. He took no notice. He disregarded you. He thought only of himself. He let you down. Again. Time and time again he has let you down.

Tell him this is his last chance now to make a good decent life for himself when he comes out, putting his personal skills to good use. Just like you have had to do …..all alone. And when he’s been clean and successful for a few years, you can think again maybe. But for now it has to be over so he has that chance …on his own…to prove to himself he’s worth something better than this sordid, messed-up life.
If he agrees then that’s good as it means he wants to prove to you he can do it on his own … for himself and for you too.
If he tells you he can’t do it alone without you, tell him he has no choice - just like you have had no choice but to suffer the consequences of his actions, and having to go it alone - 3 times now.

Don’t risk the business you have built. Don’t risk a peaceful decent life.
You owe him nothing more but to tell him he has this chance to make it on his own now, without you.
You must let him prove himself to you OP, if he can.

IMHO Op you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place and some of the replies here are less than helpful…

I think you have 2 distinct issues (although related)

1.) the conversations you have with your husband and your feelings of need/obligation to support him and your emotions in response to this.

2.) the longer term issue and if/how you restore trust and confidence in your relationship.

You need to find some ways of talking with your husband that don’t leave you with “bad” feelings when you put the phone down. As you say cost of living is limiting your ability to go out and about so you need something to build on that’s cheap. Can you perhaps both read the same book and talk about it over the phone - gives you something to talk about that’s neutral and avoids emotional recriminations. It would at least allow you some space to regain some control of how you talk to each other.

Secondly join a Nar-Anon group, not only will it support you with what you have experienced in the past but also with what may come after your husbands sentencing. It will also perhaps give you some different perspectives from those who have lived similar experiences, rather than those here who seem to be very sure of exactly how they would handle things despite not necessarily having actually been in your position.

Following on from this, some individual counselling will be of great help, if only to provide you a space to vent and order your emotions. You only ever have to make decisions like divorce etc when you’re ready but counselling will help you greatly getting to that point.

Also please make sure if you have children you take every support opportunity from friends, family and organisations etc that is available for them and you.

I would also recommended Chris Atkinsons book “A bit of a stretch” to understand the environment your partner is experiencing.

I’m sorry to hear what you have been through yourself & thank you for sharing that & being able to give me such kind advice.

If he has to stay in prison longer after sentencing he will be moved out to a new facility. I have very strong worries about him staying clean in prison, currently with his job role he is drugs tested on most days but there are always ways around things, especially as he is not only incredibly smart (along with stupid) he also has a great charm.

he was in active addiction for 5 years, but I only knew in year 4 of his addiction. He tried to get clean a lot of times throughout this period. His residential rehab stay seems to be how he came out the other side. However in prison like you say… drugs are rife and his emotions are high. I am not naive to it thankfully and it plays on my mind.

more support would be so good for me, unfortunately I can’t find any more private help so I will have to speak with my doctor and get on a waiting list but the sooner I do that, then at least I’ll be in line for being seen at some point.

Ex cocaine addict here and also an ex of a repeat offender.

You know in your heart that this man is not going to change. If he was, it would have been after the first prison sentence. He is an addict and despite previous prison sentences, he carried on going back to it. He will do it in the future. If that's he wants, that's fine. But you don't have to stay with him. If you do stay with him, you need to make peace with the fact this is going to be the story for the rest of your life and that's that.

Is it possible that the reason you are struggling to talk to him is not just as you are apart, but the fact that you are forced to carry on with the mundane everyday and have actually realised that you do not, in fact , need him in your life? You are cracking on and getting along with stuff regardless. Ina v lot of ways his life is stress free now. Fed, housed, no bills to pay. No life admin. All of his decisions being made for him. I resented that a lot but it took me a lot of therapy to realise.

Also, The threads that held you together have been cut and while he's desperately trying to reel you back in and promising you the Earth, you are wise to what is happening and have been for a while. You are only just coming to terms with this as a reality. He can't promise you anything as his words are as empty as the bed beside you.

The best think you can do now is tell him it's over. Rebuild your life without him and learn to love yourself more than you already do. Learn to marvel at your strength and resilience and do the freedom programme to avoid men like this in the future.

That's what I did. And I found an amazing man that mages my heart sing. He treats me with respect, adores me and I never once had a worry about drugs or the police turning up at my door.

Where did i even say she should give him one chance? Why do people on here deliberately twist things? She's chosen to stay with him so it's clearly not as simple as 'ltb.'

My worry is not when he comes out of prison, I know things will be so happy and amazing

I genuinely pity you for thinking this.

Defiantly or definitely scared?

he did something stupid that only effected himself.

No, it has affected you.

Only my own research unfortunately. I personally always suspected NPD over BPD, however do the online glorification of narcissist personality disorder I wouldn’t like to guess but I have had an inkling for a lot of years.

I knew somebody years ago whose brother was a heroin addict in and out of prison. The heroin addict in his thirties turned his life around. Opened up a successful therapy business and is now a millionaire and a devoted therapist. Addictive personalities are difficult for people to manage but it can be done. Only you know what’s in your husbands heart. Only you can decide how you want your future to unfold. You are in charge of your future and any kids if you have them. Sometimes you just have to put your feelings above all others. Hope it works out.