Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

[Talktalk33]

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

It's a cliche but there's one way you could get rid of a load of weight...

He sounds awful op, just awful.

And what does mr perfect himself look like?!?
ask him if he can grow his Willy a bit longer and tut every time you see it.

seriously though OP this is abuse and bullying
there’s gentle encouragement then there’s this!
so sorry xx

Gosh. What a cunt.

What a nasty cunt! Has he changed weight wise?

It's reasonable to be genuinely worried about a partner when they are seriously overweight but it's not reasonable to be controlling to the point of giving you the silent treatment for not exercising! Mental health matters too.

Giving you the silent treatment when you don’t do what he wants
Making hurtful comments, and dressing them up as helpful
Controlling what you eat

Abusive

So, so many red flags in this. He’s controlling you, sulking and using emotional blackmail to get you to do what HE thinks you should be doing. Do you get any say in this? I’d be laying the law down very firmly that he does NOT get to tell you what to do - his response will be very telling. If he doesn’t back off I’d be seriously considering ending the relationship if I was you. That’s no way to live.

To me it is very simple OP if you read your post yourself what would you say to that person

Go with that

I used to have a boyfriend like this. It was such a relief when we broke up! I actually lost heaps of weight from the sheer joy of going places without being judged and nagged! Sorry, that's not helpful; I don't know how to change a man like that.

I would tell him to piss off. He didn't speak to you for two days because you didn't exercise? Tell him to stop being an abusive twat. In the last 6 years you have grown and given birth to two children. Of course your body has changed.

He's being a dick but only you will know if it's coming from a place of genuine concern or if he's a controlling arse. Has he got to this point because you are very reluctant to exercise?

For example, the swimming incident above, did you really just sack off excercising for a whole week because you forgot your bank card that one day? Most responsible adults don't need that level of pushing to go out and exercise regularly and it's part of staying healthy, so I think there are two sides to this.

His behaviour and attitude are unacceptable.

@DevantMaJardin but why does he think he can tell her off for not exercising? It's her body and her life. If she doesn't think exercising that week is a priority that's up to her.

OP he is abusing you and speaking from experience it won't get better.

Giving you a two-day silent trip because you made a mistake and thus couldn't exercise is disordered in the extreme.

This isn't okay.

This is not acceptable behaviour and you do not need to stay with someone who emotionally abuses you and controls you like this.

Why are you still with him? Does he bring anything good to your life? How would you feel if he started doing this to the kids?

I've recently left a controlling and abusive relationship and lost about 18 stone in the process (him). You can go it alone and you will thank yourself in years to come that you didn't put up with his shit for a minute longer.

On the one hand, he's out of order and obsessive, but on the other, size 16/18 is not exactly small or healthy either.
If you can't get to the gym or exercise because of after school clubs, why is he not taking the DC? If he wants you to be able to fit in an exercise routine, he needs to pull his weight with looking after the DC's. I hope the housework doesn't all fall to you and he's doing 50 % of it.
I think I'd take him at his word and leave him to look after his own DC and sort the clubs out while blowing off some angst about what an arsenal he is at the gym, job done.

I'm someone who regularly exercises and I have a partner who doesn't. I would like him to lose weight and be a bit healthier.

But it's his life and his choices. I buy him food he likes because he can ask if he wants me to buy healthier choices or he can choose not to eat the chocolate etc.

If you love someone, you accept them for who and what they are. Your husband needs to change his attitude, he's being very unkind and disrespectful at best and abusive at worst.

This post is so difficult to read. I’m so sorry your partner is awful to you. You don’t deserve to feel like this in your own home. He’s controlling and horrible. I think you need to give him an ultimatum- stop this shit or it’s over.

Not speaking you if you don’t exercise is out of line but I would hate it if my partner never exercised despite being overweight and often don’t buy crisps etc for us as it is junk food. We also never have bacon in the house, so these things are just healthy/ethical choices rather than controlling per se.

It’s horrible to feel judged but at the same time it doesn’t sound like you’re doing a lot of exercise (a mile walk is around 2000 steps and you should be getting in 10,000 a day). I found I put on weight and felt like shit when WFH as there is so much inbuilt activity when you go into work that it’s easy to clock the 10,000 steps, but when WFH you have to consciously do it, which is harder.

Rather than vilify your husband and say LTB I would maybe start from a position of assuming he is meaning well but he is getting frustrated and upset.

If he felt like you were taking it seriously he would likely relax and leave you to it (if he didn’t then I would lean more towards the LTB advice at that stage).

Could you work on finding an exercise that you really enjoy?

I’m so disappointed at the posters who are talking about the OP’s weight. Her partner didn’t talk to her for two days because she forgot her bank card when she went swimming. That’s not OK.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Do your children witness this?

With that incident, I came home and did a kettlebell work out instead and walked every day that week. Also went to a yoga class with a friend at the weekend.. but as that wasn’t cardio it wasn’t exercise apparently.

I don’t believe it’s someone life so their choices and I wouldn’t be with a partner who didn’t take their health seriously, and I would definitely start leaving their gym outfit beside the door and making noises if they stopped working out. But I know my partner prioritises their health and they are in shape so I don’t feel the need to monitor any of this.

He sounds really awful. You could be concern about your partner’s health but not like this.He is just controlling twat.

@MelloYellow approach is good, also he would be able to get Nobel prize if successful and build you a private swimming pool.

He sounds vile. Set him free! I’d be googling some muscle bound male models for good measure!