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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

355 replies

Talktalk33 · 14/03/2023 21:04

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

OP posts:
MerlinsButler · 14/03/2023 22:26

It's irrelevant what he believes or thinks.

If you want to be healthier / slimmer then do it for you. Otherwise ignore him.

But his behaviour is abusive. Sack him off. Work out when you want. But do it for you. Your fella is an arse! He is trying to control you via your weight.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/03/2023 22:27

You're asking the wrong questions.

Your partner is a vile horrible man who will continue to make your life a misery for the rest of it. He is controlling and abusive.

You need to start making plans to separate, for your children's sake.

Itsokay2020 · 14/03/2023 22:27

@Talktalk33 what do you want? Do you want to lose weight, do you feel uncomfortable in your body? Losing weight is your decision, and it will only be successful if it’s what you want, rather than it being forced upon you.

Your DH is not supportive - he’s abusive and controlling when you don’t comply with his (misguided) ideologies about what you eat and how much exercise you get each day. This won’t end well, and definitely won’t result in you being a size 6 any time soon.

I think you need to get some support IRL and seriously consider your options, this is no way to live and you deserve so much more. I would even go so far as to say that the emotional stress you are experiencing will not be helping your metabolism and digestive system. It’s time for change.

JimmyHalpert · 14/03/2023 22:28

Going to take a gamble and bet he’s not a looker.

drop the weight that is your husband.

Collywibbles · 14/03/2023 22:28

He seriously didn't talk to you for 2 days because you didn't exercise. Jeez. I can suggest a good way to lose a lot of weight in one go ... You are worth so much more than this.

JudgeRinderonTinder · 14/03/2023 22:28

WHYYYYY are you with this complete arsehole of a man!?

Dionysiana · 14/03/2023 22:30

Your life sounds reasonably healthy and he sounds like a controlling wanker who wants a “slim” partner rather then a life partner.

Best diet advice I ever got:

”Lose weight from your hips and thighs: dump your partner”.

Works every time.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 22:31

*- He tells me weekly I need to do exercise

  • he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

-I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week

  • he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.
  • He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work*

This has escalated to abuse op.

WarWhatIsItGoodFor · 14/03/2023 22:32

Completely out of order. Controlling behaviour, get rid of him.

Prochoice11 · 14/03/2023 22:32

Walking 1 mile is only about 15-20 mins walking fast. You need to do 5 x that daily to be honest. Enjoy the fast walk as time alone I would. I would never eat crisps or bacon sandwiches either. I would be fat if I ate those so don’t think he’s unreasonable just thinking if you carry on like that you would be big and unhealthy which is true-think he’s got a point if you’re sedentary at work and a size 18 as that’s likely obese in all honesty. Good luck x

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 22:33

This reply has been deleted

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Prochoice11 · 14/03/2023 22:34

Also eating butter on toast will lead to being fat of course! I haven’t done that in about 20 years! And you sneak it whilst he’s at work?! Why don’t you opt for half a gluten free low carb toast with half avacado and poached egg? That’s my daily go to. Then a protein salad lunch and protein veg stirfry. Alcohol once a week maximum ideally vodka and limit the sugar, loads of water and walk fast minimum 1hr a day (that’s still only 7000 steps approx!)

Sunnygirl07 · 14/03/2023 22:35

He has no right to control you like that.

You will only get into shape on your terms, not when he bullies, abuses, and controls you like that.

I would offer him counselling to learn to leave you alone or you are finished as a couple.

barmycatmum · 14/03/2023 22:35

mosiacmaker · 14/03/2023 22:10

If he indeed literally didn’t speak for her for two days then yes he is clearly very frustrated and not good at communicating. But people often use “didn’t speak to me” in a flippant way and OP hasn’t been back to provide clarity on this.

But the MN hive mind has decided that he is absolutely in no doubt a vile abuser based on two paragraphs so who am I to go against them.

Show quote history

Please fuck off with your abuse apologetics.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 22:35

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

Hmm, I have my doubts it's all about your health and it's for the children. Those are the words ppl often say when they can't/won't say what they really mean because it's no longer PC.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 22:36

This reply has been deleted

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Prochoice11 · 14/03/2023 22:36

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 22:35

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

Hmm, I have my doubts it's all about your health and it's for the children. Those are the words ppl often say when they can't/won't say what they really mean because it's no longer PC.

So don’t wait for him to tell you to exercise. Head straight out soon as he’s home and enjoy the space to do it x

barmycatmum · 14/03/2023 22:36

Prochoice11 · 14/03/2023 22:34

Also eating butter on toast will lead to being fat of course! I haven’t done that in about 20 years! And you sneak it whilst he’s at work?! Why don’t you opt for half a gluten free low carb toast with half avacado and poached egg? That’s my daily go to. Then a protein salad lunch and protein veg stirfry. Alcohol once a week maximum ideally vodka and limit the sugar, loads of water and walk fast minimum 1hr a day (that’s still only 7000 steps approx!)

Surely you are joking.
you cannot, cannot, cannot be serious.

teraculum29 · 14/03/2023 22:37

to be honest the more someone is telling me what i should do or dont i would do the exact opposite.

judging how much butter you are using on toast?? i would add extra evrytime he would say anyhing about it.

becouse of this judemental prick you might end up with eating disorder.

Carrotsandsuede · 14/03/2023 22:37

He doesn’t want you to be healthy. He wants you to be slim.

You can probably guarantee that if you ate complete shit and never exercised a single day but were a size 8 he wouldn’t give a toss.

Being brutally honest it sounds like he’s just not attracted to you and is attracted to slim women.

Nothing wrong with that but what is wrong is trying to bully you into being a certain way to satisfy his attraction.

If you do lose weight for him you’d be stressed about keeping it off for the rest of your life to keep him happy.

Losing weight will stick a plaster on the issue because he’s not in love with your soul.

Sunnygirl07 · 14/03/2023 22:37

Not talking is a controlling childish narcissist!

All Adults Talk and Communicate!

Prochoice11 · 14/03/2023 22:38

This reply has been deleted

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Ok a no carry on in sedentary job eating butter toast walking 1 mile and stay size 18 then and he’s going to continue to tell you to do the right thing. He’s moody coz he’s fed up. Only you can help you. Once you got size 10 dump him. I speak as one that was size 20 and now size 8 for 8 years Do it for you x

WunWun · 14/03/2023 22:38

I hate to say it, but it sounds like maybe he's not physically attracted to you at your current weight? Not that I'm saying he's dealing with it in the best way, obviously he's not.

palelavender · 14/03/2023 22:38

You are almost certainly overweight if a size 16-18. (Yes I know all about body positivity but it doesn't protect your knee joints or your heart.) You would probably feel better if you were a 12-14 again. But your husband's constant nagging is not helpful. I wonder if you eat because you're stressed. You have to have quite a lot of exercise to lose weight and weight loss is mostly diet. Yes, you can build muscle and muscle does burn calories but weight loss is largely diet. I would consult a dietician and come up with a balanced diet and look at portions. People can get fat eating lots of "healthy food".

Does your husband ever say anything nice? He might be naturally thin but he sounds a bit dim and with the social skills of a grizzly bear.

I just couldn't live with his juvenile behaviour. I am about to have a chat to my significant other because he is carrying too much weight round his middle. His family have a history of heart disease and two of my friend's partners have died suddenly over the past year. I will make some diet suggestions and suggest we try some different recipes and him having slightly smaller portions and I will volunteer to exercise with him - evening walks and going to the gym together.

I will not be monitoring every mouthful or nagging him or giving him the silent treatment. I am doing this because I am concerned about his health. I will praise his efforts.

Prochoice11 · 14/03/2023 22:39

teraculum29 · 14/03/2023 22:37

to be honest the more someone is telling me what i should do or dont i would do the exact opposite.

judging how much butter you are using on toast?? i would add extra evrytime he would say anyhing about it.

becouse of this judemental prick you might end up with eating disorder.

Awful advise!! Get fatter and unhealthier and feel even more crap by doing that. Get healthy slim and dump him 👏🏻