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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

355 replies

Talktalk33 · 14/03/2023 21:04

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

OP posts:
afaloren · 14/03/2023 21:24

What the hell??? Bin him.

Clymene · 14/03/2023 21:24

Blueberrywitch · 14/03/2023 21:23

I don’t believe it’s someone life so their choices and I wouldn’t be with a partner who didn’t take their health seriously, and I would definitely start leaving their gym outfit beside the door and making noises if they stopped working out. But I know my partner prioritises their health and they are in shape so I don’t feel the need to monitor any of this.

You are horribly controlling.

Blueberrywitch · 14/03/2023 21:25

Talktalk33 · 14/03/2023 21:22

With that incident, I came home and did a kettlebell work out instead and walked every day that week. Also went to a yoga class with a friend at the weekend.. but as that wasn’t cardio it wasn’t exercise apparently.

Well that sounds like great exercise and he doesn’t know what he is talking about if he is insisting on “cardio” - a kettlebell workout is much more effective than that!

Have you tried the “sweat” app? I really love it and it records all your workouts so you can show him you’re keeping track whilst asking him to back off. It’s £13 a month which he will obviously be happy paying for for you considering he’s so pedantic about exercise :)

MiddleParking · 14/03/2023 21:25

Talktalk33 · 14/03/2023 21:22

With that incident, I came home and did a kettlebell work out instead and walked every day that week. Also went to a yoga class with a friend at the weekend.. but as that wasn’t cardio it wasn’t exercise apparently.

He’s not the brightest is he?

IsThePopeCatholic · 14/03/2023 21:26

Is he controlling in other ways? This is not a healthy relationship.

Hobbes8 · 14/03/2023 21:26

@Blueberrywitch do you think you’re on the weight loss board? This is the relationships board.

Luredbyapomegranate · 14/03/2023 21:26

I think you have to tell him that if he ever mentions your weight, eating habits or exercise again you will strangle him with your yoga pants.

He sounds like an utter twat OP. But you also sound like you aren’t standing up to him. Is he generally a bully? Because bullying is what this is. If he doesn’t improve I would really plan to get rid of him. Bullies only get worse.

Bunnyishotandcross · 14/03/2023 21:26

Well I lost 20 stone overnight op.

Best way to lose the dead weight is divorce..

winterchills · 14/03/2023 21:26

What a vile horrible horrible man!!!

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 14/03/2023 21:27

He sounds awful.

Why do you put up with this? What sort of message does it give your children about kindness and acceptance?

He sounds like a nasty bully.

DemonSpawn · 14/03/2023 21:28

Well he clearly knows nothing about nutrition, he should be asking you to eat less carbs and more bacon and butter if he wants you to lose weight.

Blueberrywitch · 14/03/2023 21:28

OP I would tell him you’re doing Keto and therefore need the bacon!

ManchesterGirl2 · 14/03/2023 21:28

He's being incredibly controlling. Not talking to you for 2 days!

Because it's about exercise, it might seem at first sight like "caring", but actually this is unacceptable controlling behaviour, whatever the topic of his obsession.

carriedout · 14/03/2023 21:29

He's treating you like shit. Sorry Flowers

Quirrelsotherface · 14/03/2023 21:29

Does he exercise? Has he got his eye on someone who does?!
Wondering if he has always been like this or if it's new behaviour as there could be a reason for it if so

Littlefaeries · 14/03/2023 21:29

I hate exercise. I walk and I do some Pilates occasionally, that’s it.
My dh loves running but has never tried to make me exercise.
If he did he’d be told to f off.
Seriously OP he’s not your boss.

Sleepytimebear · 14/03/2023 21:29

Blueberrywitch · 14/03/2023 21:25

Well that sounds like great exercise and he doesn’t know what he is talking about if he is insisting on “cardio” - a kettlebell workout is much more effective than that!

Have you tried the “sweat” app? I really love it and it records all your workouts so you can show him you’re keeping track whilst asking him to back off. It’s £13 a month which he will obviously be happy paying for for you considering he’s so pedantic about exercise :)

Show quote history

I think you're missing the point. He's abusive and controlling. If it's not this it will be something else. I speak from experience. My ex husband controlled everything I ate and drank including water and decaf coffee and was the same about exercise. When I got fit he said I was too thin and too muscly. Then he tried to control who I was friends with and became physically and financially abusive.

This man isn't concerned, he's just trying to control the OP.

sHREDDIES19 · 14/03/2023 21:29

Sorry but this is a total wind up…surely!? If not get rid the fuck.

Mimimayhem18 · 14/03/2023 21:30

I love exercise, it makes me feel brilliant. However it's my choice and if I Had someone bullying me into it I'd probably not make much effort either!

You know even if you bow to his ridiculous demands on exercise he will just find something else to pick at, like it not being the right kind of exercise.
Keep walking your 1 mile a day in the opposite direction from this dickhead.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 14/03/2023 21:30

He does not own your body, and cannot tell you what to eat, and when to exercise. The pressure must be making it worse, the motivation needs to come from within, if that's what you want.

You don't deserve this, if he's worried about health and sex life he can talk to you not police you.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 14/03/2023 21:34

This is abusive and controlling behaviour OP. I'm sorry but you shouldn't have to live your life with someone who treats you this way. Punishing you for not exercising is so beyond acceptable it's unreal. I hope you can get the support you need and escape this controlling life. You deserve better.

DeoForty · 14/03/2023 21:36

Sorry, but if this behaviour isn't a symptom
of some kind of breakdown or brain condition, I'd be gone. Has he previously been controlling OP? About other stuff? Do you have daughters? How would you feel if he behaved like this towards them?

The weight/size (non)issue is a red herring. It works because you fear your weight gain gives his behaviour legitimacy and it's a reflection of your own failing.

Fuck him to hell.

NadjaCravensworth1 · 14/03/2023 21:36

DevantMaJardin · 14/03/2023 21:12

He's being a dick but only you will know if it's coming from a place of genuine concern or if he's a controlling arse. Has he got to this point because you are very reluctant to exercise?

For example, the swimming incident above, did you really just sack off excercising for a whole week because you forgot your bank card that one day? Most responsible adults don't need that level of pushing to go out and exercise regularly and it's part of staying healthy, so I think there are two sides to this.

Nope, it's up to her if she exercises or not. Not all 'responsible adults' exercise every week and they certainly don't deserve to be punished by their partners for not doing so. Not speaking to your loved one for two days because they didn't exercise (for WHATEVER reason) is mentally abusive.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/03/2023 21:36

Blueberrywitch · 14/03/2023 21:23

I don’t believe it’s someone life so their choices and I wouldn’t be with a partner who didn’t take their health seriously, and I would definitely start leaving their gym outfit beside the door and making noises if they stopped working out. But I know my partner prioritises their health and they are in shape so I don’t feel the need to monitor any of this.

Are you OP's partner?

You appear to have some worrying issues surrounding the need to control other people. It might be helpful to talk to someone about why you feel the need to dictate to someone how they manage their lifestyle as a grown adult. Passive aggressive behaviour like this is very damaging.

Natty13 · 14/03/2023 21:36

What would I do?

Simple - I'd leave him a list of jobs that needed done for the kids/house and "go to the gym" 3 evenings a week. If you feel like going to the gym fine but if not, take yourself somewhere in the car - Costa, McDonalds, a nice boom shop - and enjoy the peace and quiet.

I do ultramarathons and triathlons, exercise is a huge part of my life and I wouldn't put up with this for a minute, he doesn't own your body!