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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

355 replies

Talktalk33 · 14/03/2023 21:04

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

OP posts:
AB1234567 · 15/03/2023 12:50

Snoken · 15/03/2023 10:54

It does usually catch up with you though. It's perfectly possible, especially when you are young, to be obese and for it not to affect your health. In the long term though it is damaging for your joints etc to carry around extra weight and having fat surrounding your organs is quite dangerous in the long run. I am sure all your test results are great, but being heavy means you put your body under unnecessary strain.

Show quote history

But I’m not obese, I’m in the healthy weight range if you were using BMI calculator which I think is quite outdated now anyway. This was my response to someone who said size 16/18 is not exactly “small or healthy”. Large hips or bust can increase dress size, as can muscle mass if someone lifts weights/does resistance training. Does that make them unhealthy? And, thin people can have visceral fat too. Being a size 16/18 is not an automatic indicator or poor health or fitness, just like being a size 10 isn’t an indicator of great health or fitness.

thisisasurvivor · 15/03/2023 12:51

Hubblebubble · 15/03/2023 11:30

Another thread that reminds me how lovely it is to be single

Me too !!

Crikeyalmighty · 15/03/2023 12:52

@AB1234567 Ah the difference is I definitely wasn't in the healthy weight range!!

Katie4eyes · 15/03/2023 12:57

As a wife who was overweight and needed a lot of encouragement to slim down to a healthy weight I do sympathise with you OP, there’s a difference between encouragement and unacceptable pressure which can be counterproductive. I think that you need to show your DP that you appreciate his concern re your health and the need to improve your physique and health for your own benefit and for the
children, and indeed to improve your physical appeal to him, but explain that the strength of his requests is getting you down. You don’t say whether your DP is also overweight. One of the issues in my relationship was that my DH was a physical fitness instructor who actually and understandably became embarrassed being alongside me when I was so clearly unfit (in both senses) and overweight. It did take some pressure from him to make me realise that I had to slim down substantially. I’d been married at a comfortable 9 stone and risen to 14 and a bit stone. With DH’s support plus SW over a 14 month period I got down to 9 stone 5!! You can do it OP!!! And you’ll find out there are many benefits when your DP finds you attractive again!!! NNWW! Good luck! X

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 15/03/2023 13:22

I think that you need to show your DP that you appreciate his concern re your health and the need to improve your physique and health for your own benefit and for the
children, and indeed to improve your physical appeal to him, but explain that the strength of his requests is getting you down.

That's like advisjng a woman whose husband hits her to say "I appreciate that my behaviour is not as perfect as you want it to be, and I know I should do better, but the force of your punches is getting me down"

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 15/03/2023 13:24

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 15/03/2023 13:22

I think that you need to show your DP that you appreciate his concern re your health and the need to improve your physique and health for your own benefit and for the
children, and indeed to improve your physical appeal to him, but explain that the strength of his requests is getting you down.

That's like advisjng a woman whose husband hits her to say "I appreciate that my behaviour is not as perfect as you want it to be, and I know I should do better, but the force of your punches is getting me down"

First paragraph is a quotation from @Katie4eyes post (bold fail).

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 15/03/2023 13:28

Katie4eyes · 15/03/2023 12:57

As a wife who was overweight and needed a lot of encouragement to slim down to a healthy weight I do sympathise with you OP, there’s a difference between encouragement and unacceptable pressure which can be counterproductive. I think that you need to show your DP that you appreciate his concern re your health and the need to improve your physique and health for your own benefit and for the
children, and indeed to improve your physical appeal to him, but explain that the strength of his requests is getting you down. You don’t say whether your DP is also overweight. One of the issues in my relationship was that my DH was a physical fitness instructor who actually and understandably became embarrassed being alongside me when I was so clearly unfit (in both senses) and overweight. It did take some pressure from him to make me realise that I had to slim down substantially. I’d been married at a comfortable 9 stone and risen to 14 and a bit stone. With DH’s support plus SW over a 14 month period I got down to 9 stone 5!! You can do it OP!!! And you’ll find out there are many benefits when your DP finds you attractive again!!! NNWW! Good luck! X

I'm sure you mean this to be helpful to the OP, but honestly, really, what she needs to focus on is that her husband's behaviour - haranguing, shaming, guilt-tripping and the silent treatment - is totally unacceptable. Wherever it is coming from - let us charitably assume it is indeed 'concern for her health' as you suggest, not a desire to control her and mould her to his liking - it is not acceptable behaviour.

And it doesn't matter if OP loses 5 stone or so and her husband starts 'finding her attractive again' - if he thinks that when she displeases him in some way, be it this or any other, that he can treat her like this, then that right there is an abusive relationship, and while the excuse for the abuse may change - her weight, her cooking, her friends, how she disciplines the children, how clean she keeps their home, whether she is bringing enough money in from her job, whatever it may be - the unacceptable behaviour will stay the same. They lyrics change, but the tune is always the same.

The problem here isn't one of attraction, it is one of respect. he isn't respecting her as a human being with a right to civil treatment or a right to control her own life or make her own decisions. And that is an attitude that, if she gives way to it, will permeate into every corner of their life together.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 15/03/2023 13:33

@Katie4eyes

I'm also intrigued by what you mean by 'unfit (in both senses)'. Obviously you mean physically unfit, but what is the second? Do you mean mentally unfit? Or unfit in some sense of being 'unworthy' or 'incapable', as in 'unfit to hold office/unfit mother'? If so could we unpack that a bit?

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 15/03/2023 13:34

And she has explained that the 'strength of the requests' (that's some euphemism for bullying and harrassment) is getting her down. He blows up at her, and then carries on with the same behaviour she has told him is getting her down. Because he knows that it is having precisely the effect intended.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 15/03/2023 13:35

NeverApologiseNeverExplain · 15/03/2023 13:22

I think that you need to show your DP that you appreciate his concern re your health and the need to improve your physique and health for your own benefit and for the
children, and indeed to improve your physical appeal to him, but explain that the strength of his requests is getting you down.

That's like advisjng a woman whose husband hits her to say "I appreciate that my behaviour is not as perfect as you want it to be, and I know I should do better, but the force of your punches is getting me down"

Here bloody here.

beAsensible1 · 15/03/2023 13:42

OP, tell him you expect him to do extra childcare and all dinners and pay for a PT.

his behaviour is ridiculous and unkind. And honestly i'd turn it back on him and very time he comment offer one about him in return. maybe his thinning hair line or a snaggle tooth!

what an utter twat to be living with.

LooseGoose22 · 15/03/2023 13:54

the 'strength of the requests' (that's some euphemism for bullying and harrassment)

Lol, isn't it.

This man is abusive.

I doubt this is the only way he's abusive.

catinboooots · 15/03/2023 14:01

He needs to get in the biggest, nearest bin. Cunt.

Zuyi · 15/03/2023 15:12

I feel that calling him a cunt is inaccurate. He's the opposite of soft and sensitive!

Katie4eyes · 15/03/2023 17:22

herewegoroundthebastardbush · Today 13:33
I'm also intrigued by what you mean by 'unfit (in both senses)'. Obviously you mean physically unfit, but what is the second? Do you mean mentally unfit? Or unfit in some sense of being 'unworthy' or 'incapable', as in 'unfit to hold office/unfit mother'? If so could we unpack that a bit?

I meant ‘fit’ as physically fit, and also the rather naughty more contemporary
meaning, as in use on increasingly regular occasions by my 17 yr old DD - physically attractive! Let’s face it, we do need to look after ourselves!

Trixiefirecracker · 15/03/2023 17:27

Zuyi · 15/03/2023 15:12

I feel that calling him a cunt is inaccurate. He's the opposite of soft and sensitive!

I hate that cunt is used as a bad word.

AB1234567 · 15/03/2023 17:41

Crikeyalmighty · 15/03/2023 12:42

@AB1234567 Just to mention I had all the same as you and a size 16/18 and it suddenly flipped 8 months ago.i was 60 - I think covid did it in my case) suddenly I had high BP, prediabetic , and high cholesterol- all of which now require me to get about 3 to 4 stone off to reverse it- whilst being on beta blockers which slow your metabolism. I do agree that you can be perfectly healthy on paper and not skinny (and I think I looked ok too) but if you suddenly hit a big health condition , first thing they will say is 'lose weight' - diabetes in particular is way more common if overweight. However it's important anyone does it because they want to or health seems they need to, not because some tit dictates that you do or stops speaking to you

Thank you, I do get that. My point was more that a size 16/18 doesn’t always have to mean mean overweight - this was an assumption a PP made. I am quite tall and in the “normal” weight range and have been both a bit lighter and a bit heavier, about 10lbs either way, but my top size has never changed, I’ve got a large bust, so I’ve always been a 16 on top.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/03/2023 17:53

Yep- I realised that from another post you made whereas I def was overweight!! I'm big boobed too- honestly when I was a size 12 years ago I struggled with dresses- which is why I'm very peed off that bravissimo have stopped with actual clothes! Worked perfectly for me with dresses

Mama2six · 15/03/2023 18:03

This is emotional abuse! How dare he control you and “withhold” treats. Red flags all over him. Get rid now before your children think this is normal behaviour

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 15/03/2023 18:24

Katie4eyes · 15/03/2023 17:22

herewegoroundthebastardbush · Today 13:33
I'm also intrigued by what you mean by 'unfit (in both senses)'. Obviously you mean physically unfit, but what is the second? Do you mean mentally unfit? Or unfit in some sense of being 'unworthy' or 'incapable', as in 'unfit to hold office/unfit mother'? If so could we unpack that a bit?

I meant ‘fit’ as physically fit, and also the rather naughty more contemporary
meaning, as in use on increasingly regular occasions by my 17 yr old DD - physically attractive! Let’s face it, we do need to look after ourselves!

"looking after ourselves" can mean a lot of things. I don't think any of them mean making what other people feel about how we look a key priority.

Novatherova · 15/03/2023 19:05

Prochoice11 · 14/03/2023 23:05

Thank you! Truth. But this threads full of the overweight mum club ‘my body changed with kids and I made zero bloody effort to avoid it and enjoy your sweets and butter coz you being fat makes me feel better ’ whilst slinging swear words and abuse at any woman that actually beat that miserable existence by losing a ton of weight, an unhealthy lifestyle, a crap relationship and is smashing life and telling it like it is. You have 2 choices: carry on as you are with current results and listen to that lot whose husbands also prob don’t fancy them or make changes and smash life for you not him and then maybe Dutch him. On that note I’m not wasting my energy here she’s a grown woman and will sort it herself. Love and light 💙

Show quote history

My reply wasn't to OP.

I'm in support of her. Her DH sounds like a controlling dickhead.

My reply was to another poster basically slating her for not going swimming.

LooseGoose22 · 15/03/2023 19:30

*But this threads full of the overweight mum club ‘my body changed with kids and I made zero bloody effort to avoid it and enjoy your sweets and butter coz you being fat makes me feel better .....

listen to that lot whose husbands also prob don’t fancy them or make changes and smash life for you not him*

The misogyny is top tier with this one.

And why mention that "their husbands probably don't fancy them" if she's advocating losing weight and ditching the abusive husband ....

Absolutely Nuts poster.

LooseGoose22 · 15/03/2023 20:19

And the butter thing ...."I haven't had butr in x years" like a bit of butter is going to break a diet or not FFS. I try to eat healthily but what a miserable, evangelical existence.

Back on the main topic, I seriously doubt this is the only behaviour of this type this man displays, and has displayed for the duration of the relationship. The fact op mentioned him going on about her weight and figure from the start is notable.

I think.the fact she's starred this thread and now disappeared when there's a fairly resounding condemnation of his behaviour and calling out of abuse ....backs up that she's been in an abusive relationship for years and with two kids under 6, is going nowhere and wanted to vent but duesbt want to truly see things are they are or do anything about it.

He sounds like a massive bully.

Beaverbridge · 15/03/2023 20:36

Hes an abusive bully.

5128gap · 15/03/2023 20:37

Whether its a good idea for you to diet or excercise, whether its reasonable for your husband to prefer you slim, is neither here nor there. His behaviour is inexcusable. He is bullying you and intimidating you to control your behaviour. This is never, ever acceptable.
I don't know whether you're physically frightened of him, but you do sound emotionally cowed by him. Can you bring yourself to stand up to him? To tell him to back right off? He really needs to be told.