Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

[Talktalk33]

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

Op- he is controlling and manipulating you. He’s rewarding “good behaviour” by making you exercise as you fear he will ignore you if you don’t do what he wants. And then punishes you.
he’s controlling you- it’s not a group decision on the bacon butty thing. Tell him you’ll have them still with kids.
his reactions are clearly putting you on egg shells
my partner went like this a little once, I mildly told him to back the fuck off, then listed a lot of shit he does that I don’t discourage.
i said let me live my life!
It’s not concern/ he’s controlling you.

He sounds like my ex. Is he controlling in other ways OP?

I had a post on here about my partner who is obese, 115kg and 5”7. I was told to leave him alone and not comment on his weight. I started noticing his weight gain around 6 years ago and provided healthy food and look after our child so he could have spare time. His weight has increased hugely since then and he is now morbidly obese. I’ve made comments in the last couple of years as he had to reduce his hours due to exhaustion, cannot play with the kids, our sex life is now shit, his sleep is terrible and his snoring is violent!His weight has meant he now has high blood pressure and pre diabetes. It affects every aspect of our lives and I’m on my knees doing all the chores, childcare and working. I no longer comment on his weight but it hard knowing if he continues to gain more I could end up caring for him.
Whilst I know you sound still quite active it has only taken my partner a couple more year of overeating and he is really struggling. Please take of yourself and try to get some help to stop your weight from increasing.

Yep!

Leave the bastard! This is emotional abuse. My EX used to tell me I had piled on weight, pointed out my cellulite, would tell me he dreaded the day we would have kids as pregnancy is disgusting and was worried about how gross my body would be after etc. You don't deserve to be treated or made to feel this way.

Go to Greggs, buy a box of donuts and eat the lot in front of him with a big smile on your face. Every time he mentions calories, weight or gym, tell him you are off to the shops to buy more food as feeling peckish, and laugh at him. Joking aside, he is a hideous bore and a terrible control freak. I couldn't live with someone like that, and would worry about his values on children. I am not saying exercise is bad, but it should be your choice how you keep healthy and not his.

“Monitor”
the word you use- mild control?
we aren’t meant to tell our partners what to do, we compromise.
if our partner is gravely harming themselves we can suggest but punishing someone with emotional blackmail is abuse not a relationship.
i would love to have nice encouragement to workout - if my partner was doing the same- or he was being lovely about it.
e.g. “ honey remember when you said you wanted to work out and it made you feel good- do you want me to support you with that? I feel like working out too’

If he indeed literally didn’t speak for her for two days then yes he is clearly very frustrated and not good at communicating. But people often use “didn’t speak to me” in a flippant way and OP hasn’t been back to provide clarity on this.

But the MN hive mind has decided that he is absolutely in no doubt a vile abuser based on two paragraphs so who am I to go against them.

And so, it is ok for him to be abusive- which is what this is?
Unhelpful

As I get older, I live by the belief that life is too short to spend time with anyone who makes you feel like shit - least of all the man who should love you. You grew and birthed his children and your body has changed. I’d take the time to fully explain how his behaviour makes me feel and, if nothing changes, I’d reconsider if I want to share my life with someone who makes me feel the opposite of how he ought to make me feel: beautiful and loved.

ask him if he can grow his Willy a bit longer and tut every time you see it.

This. Give him one month to achieve your idea of perfection (while you secretly get finances sorted) then when he fails, kick him out.

I had a school friend who married a (dumpy, middle-aged, grey-haired) doctor and had two kids in three years.

After the birth of the second one, he pestered her about her appearance and kept saying "Whatever happened to that bikini body I married??"

He also offered to pay for a tummy tuck performed by one of his colleagues.

She is divorced now, no surprise.

You don't need to make him understand anything. You need to make him leave. You are you and he is trying to change you into something you are not. He's a big massive arsehole of a man and you don't need that in your life

You definitely need to lose weight ............. DEAD weight!!! HIM!!!

Quite honestly I would tell him to fuck off

Nasty prick. You deserve so much better OP ♥️

A relationship board that only ever advises to immediately leave relationships when there are issues and attacks anyone who comments that there might be another side to the story. Brilliant 😂

We eat pretty healthily, cook from scratch with very little oil and actually grow most of our own veg. I do aim to do some sort of exercise at least once a week- swim/yoga/online class. As I mentioned also started walking before work (granted could do more steps) Yes, being a size 16 / 18 isn’t an optimum weight and yes, I know I could do more, but I know from speaking to friends that I do more than a lot of them and have a much better diet. - Sunday butties aside 😉

it’s the pressure and constant arguments about it that is causing self esteem issues and reluctance. I’m walking on eggshells if for any reason I cannot make it to the gym or a class. Silent treatment a constant rows, all over exercise. When I’ve been honest with him and said going on and on about me exercising is making me feel worthless, it leads to more rows.

He goes to the gym once a week, eats the same food as I do - but is a naturally slim person.

It's one thing a partner encouraging you as a couple to be fit and healthy, exercising together, cooking together. This isn't what you have. What you have is a nasty bully. Is he some kind of Adonis? Thought not.

Have a conversation with him, tell him how he makes you feel. If he's a good man he'll take it on board and stop his awful behaviour. But I have a feeling he won't.

I hope you've read OP's updates

There's only one reply to this .... fuck right off! CF so so controlling

You’re living with a manchild who sulks for two days because you didn’t swim to fit into his image of what a wife should look like? I think his behaviour might need looking at as well as your health and fitness issue. Why do I feel that if he were to go, your energy levels would pick up and the weight would drop off?

This is abuse. He's got you fretting and justifying your actions. It is coercive control - 'exercise or I won't speak to you'. It'll become 'don't go out tonight or I won't speak to you'. ' Don't wear that or I'll leave you'. And so on.

Get out of it now.

What would I do? Dump him. He is controlling and undermines you.