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Original poster

Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

355 replies

Talktalk33 · 14/03/2023 21:04

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 14/03/2023 21:37

Blueberrywitch · 14/03/2023 21:28

OP I would tell him you’re doing Keto and therefore need the bacon!

Please stop!

Blueberrywitch · 14/03/2023 21:38

Clymene · 14/03/2023 21:24

You are horribly controlling.

Show quote history

Would I be horribly controlling if I nagged an unemployed partner to start applying for jobs? How is financial health something we are allowed to comment on but physical health a sacred space where comment or encouragement is controlling? Arguably physical health (and it’s direct impact on mental health) is more important!

NadjaCravensworth1 · 14/03/2023 21:38

Blueberrywitch · 14/03/2023 21:23

I don’t believe it’s someone life so their choices and I wouldn’t be with a partner who didn’t take their health seriously, and I would definitely start leaving their gym outfit beside the door and making noises if they stopped working out. But I know my partner prioritises their health and they are in shape so I don’t feel the need to monitor any of this.

Jesus

PixelatedLunchbox · 14/03/2023 21:38

In all sincerity, I will tell him to fuck off. And if he wasn't able to back off, I'd pack his shit in bin bags and throw him out. That's WIWD.

Turnipworkharder · 14/03/2023 21:40

It's probably his way of saying you're too overweight for him,without using those exact words.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/03/2023 21:42

Would I be horribly controlling if I nagged an unemployed partner to start applying for jobs?

Yes.

Because repeatedly and negatively reminding someone to do something removes their sense of agency, makes them feel belittled and demoralised and doesn't create or foster an environment where someone feels they can change their situation.

Also, the word 'nagging' has incredibly negative and misogynistic connotations. So you might like to rethink your 'tough love' approach. Because it's pretty toxic and incredibly old fashioned.

thisisasurvivor · 14/03/2023 21:43

I had an ex like this

I was 5 ft 11 blonde , pretty and curvy size 12/14

Not in any way overweight

He was obsessed with getting me down to a size 8

Said it was his little project

I used to run after uni each day and then go to the gym

He was ugly and 19 stone

It was the morning he woke me up to tell me about his plan to buy all my clothes
Starting with WHITE FCKING stilleto heels and a skimpy white tight dress

Utter mad fcker

Luckily we officially broke up when I refused to miss a work appointment because he want me to spend the morning in bed with him
He was utterly offended I dare speak out

OP run a mile with your kids

Believe me !!!!!

barmycatmum · 14/03/2023 21:45

Oh my God. He is abusive.
that is not supportive. And it’s not loving. Of COURSE your body is different than when you met- you have carried two children.

he’s horrible. I am so sorry. He needs to understand that in order to be “healthy for the children,” you have to be MENTALLY and emotionally healthy, and he is HARMING you.

he needs to stop. That is all.

mosiacmaker · 14/03/2023 21:49

Only on mumsnet would people tell a woman to get a divorce because her husband is clearly an abuser as he doesn’t buy bacon anymore and has expressed concern for her mental and physical health and frustration that she doesn’t do much exercise.

StaunchMomma · 14/03/2023 21:51

He sounds like a right shit!

I couldn't be with someone who was that controlling. It's bullying, really.

I bet he's hardly a treat for the eyes himself, is he? Most men who speak to women this way look like shit themselves, I've found.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 14/03/2023 21:51

Similar position but without the bullying and silent treatment. My kids are 10 and 12 and while this isn't weight loss chat it isn't a healthy weight.

My husband makes time for me to exercise and I him. He steps up. He cooks, he puts the kids to bed or gets them out to school in the morning
If I go to the gym. Without a lot of micromanaging either. Does yours?

Your husbands ideas on exercise are outdated. To lose weight you need to lift weights so you are on the right track with the kettle bells. You need to cut out carbs and booze. You need brisk exercise every day that gets your heart rate up. If funds permit I'd find a decent PT to sit down with you both and make recommendations. Then do a session a week and give you both a plan for the next one.

That's if you want it, you have to, for you if you are going to stick at it and not for your resident bully.

Mariposa26 · 14/03/2023 21:52

mosiacmaker · 14/03/2023 21:49

Only on mumsnet would people tell a woman to get a divorce because her husband is clearly an abuser as he doesn’t buy bacon anymore and has expressed concern for her mental and physical health and frustration that she doesn’t do much exercise.

It’s not just concern though is it? It is abusive to refuse to speak to your partner for two days because they didn’t exercise.

Anklespraying · 14/03/2023 21:52

Does he wear lycra and go off cycling by any chance?

He's managing your appearance because he wants a wife that fits a standard in his mind, not you.

StaunchMomma · 14/03/2023 21:52

mosiacmaker · 14/03/2023 21:49

Only on mumsnet would people tell a woman to get a divorce because her husband is clearly an abuser as he doesn’t buy bacon anymore and has expressed concern for her mental and physical health and frustration that she doesn’t do much exercise.

It's not just that though, is it?

Not speaking to someone for 2 days because they didn't go swimming is utterly pathetic!

CandyLeBonBon · 14/03/2023 21:53

mosiacmaker · 14/03/2023 21:49

Only on mumsnet would people tell a woman to get a divorce because her husband is clearly an abuser as he doesn’t buy bacon anymore and has expressed concern for her mental and physical health and frustration that she doesn’t do much exercise.

You honestly think not talking to your partner for 2 days because they didn't exercise is normal, loving behaviour?

Nailsandthesea · 14/03/2023 21:53

Drop him - my ex the marathon runner told me I was fat after a c section where I was 8 stone when I delivered the baby.

this is not acceptable

stop and divorce

Shesinthegym · 14/03/2023 21:53

@StaunchMomma i was just going to say I bet he’s no male model. He must think very highly of himself. It’s always the case with these men. If it wasn’t so awful for the op it would be funny.

Clymene · 14/03/2023 21:53

Yes @Blueberrywitch. That is not how equal partners who love and respect one another behave. Also - oh never mind.

Squamata · 14/03/2023 21:54

He's a gold plated twat. I wouldn't want to lose weight if someone like that was pressuring me to do it.

LadyJ2023 · 14/03/2023 21:55

Why don't you find someone who loves you for who you are. Never once has my hubby put me down about weight and 4 kids on a size bigger and still loves me for me.

Hellybelly84 · 14/03/2023 21:58

Im all for keeping fit and healthy but that should be your decision and nothing to do with him. And if you dont want to exercise at all, also absolutely nothing to do with him.

He sounds totally horrible and controlling. We do the food shop together online so we can plan meals but also add anything we fancy ourselves. Tell him hes not doing the food shop anymore and set it up online so you can both choose what you want. If you want crisps, you add them!

He sounds really awful.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 14/03/2023 22:01

So his concerns are about how you look and if you can run after the family? Not about your health or wellbeing? And he does not care that this is negatively affecting your wellbeing now. He sounds like a real prize. Sulking when you dont do what he thinks you should? That is the weirdest thing I have ever heard.

Regularsizedrudy · 14/03/2023 22:01

Can anyone else smell socks in here?

rainbowlou · 14/03/2023 22:02

DevantMaJardin · 14/03/2023 21:12

He's being a dick but only you will know if it's coming from a place of genuine concern or if he's a controlling arse. Has he got to this point because you are very reluctant to exercise?

For example, the swimming incident above, did you really just sack off excercising for a whole week because you forgot your bank card that one day? Most responsible adults don't need that level of pushing to go out and exercise regularly and it's part of staying healthy, so I think there are two sides to this.

What if she didn’t want to go?

Landladyissues · 14/03/2023 22:03

I was married to someone who had health/weight issues - but it was linked to other things - behaviour, mental well-being. I don't know how to explain this, but he was greedy - not just for food, but got high on spending money - restaurants, shopping etc - he wanted lots of everything. It was painful to watch him. I began to recoil - not from his weight, but from his whole pattern of behaviour. I really hope you work out what his drivers are - that is if you want your marriage to survive.