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Original poster

Not getting married to protect his pension

235 replies

iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 17:57

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 12/03/2023 18:00

I'd sadly have a abortion & get rid of the selfish tosser. He sounds awful I'm so sorry.

Shinyandnew1 · 12/03/2023 18:01

I am now out for another 2-3 years

Out of what?

Is this a wanted pregnancy? Why can’t you start work?

Crikeyisthatthetime · 12/03/2023 18:02

He's not a keeper. What a selfish sod.

Northernparent68 · 12/03/2023 18:02

It sounds like you’re both money oriented, you can’t make him marry you so get back to work and get your own pension.

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 12/03/2023 18:04

OP you are never going to have financial stability with this man, he has shown you who he is and you must make your decisions based on this. Do you feel like you have options in terms of the pregnancy?

I personally would not be putting my career on hold for another 2-3 years if you decide to progress with the pregnancy - can he not take time out of his career?

EnglishRain · 12/03/2023 18:05

You are vulnerable. It's up to you if you want to stay pregnant or not.

FWIW, now I have some money to my name, if my marriage with DH doesn't work out there is no way I will remarry. I have too much to lose if someone takes the piss. DH and I married young and we both had nothing. Unless someone was on an even footing ie. had some of their own assets to add to the mix, I wouldn't be up for it.

SaturdayGiraffe · 12/03/2023 18:05

He’s right to think you won’t be together. You shouldn’t be with him in 10 years, or even right now.

BumbleNova · 12/03/2023 18:06

Honestly - run. He does not see you as a life partner. He sounds profoundly selfish and I'd put money on you doing 100 percent of all raising the child and taking a huge hit professionally and financially. He has made it clear he will not support you in all the ways you need him to to have a child with him.

You need to cut your losses - this will cripple you and he will be unscathed.

FinallyHere · 12/03/2023 18:08

since found out I am pregnant

You have choices, options.

I'm very sorry, he isn't the right one to be a father to your DC. All the best.

ArcticSkewer · 12/03/2023 18:08

Decide if you want to stay pregnant and if you do, go back to work straight after.
He can pay 50% of all childcare costs and you get to build your own pension.

I wouldn't advise my boys to marry ... but I wouldn't advise my daughter to have children without being married.

RollOnJune23 · 12/03/2023 18:09

I don't know how long you've been together. I mean, he might feel he wants to keep his pension etc safe and why shouldn't he? The only reason is if you sacrifice your career for your joint child.
So don't do that. (Easier said than done I know - but you could have 9 months off not 3 years)

perfectcolourfound · 12/03/2023 18:14

Having a baby doesn't mean you can't work for 2 or 3 years. You can go back soon after, and you both share childcare costs. It's how lots of people do it.

Aside from that, if he thinks marriage is 'just a piece of paper' then he won't mind doing it. The truth is, he knows it's much more than a piece of paper and he won't do it because he either a)isn't that committed to you or b) doesn't want to risk ever having to share his finances with you (or both).

That might have been fine while it was just you two. But if you're having a baby you're much more likely to become financially vulnerable. If he won't marry then DO NOT make any decisions that will disadvantage you financially. Stay working. Continue to build your pension. Don't go part time. Continue to seek promotions etc.

When two people are married, they can make joint financial decisions, because their finances are shared. So if the woman takes a pay / pension hit, she knows that she's protected by her husband's income / pension (and vice versa of course).

If he won't marry you, you would be daft to take any of those risks. Why would you?

More than that though, do you want to be with a man who's so selfish, grabby and doesn't see you as a long term thing?

catherinecawoodrtd · 12/03/2023 18:16

I wouldn't marry my ex because he had absolutely no pension at all and I have a very healthy public sector pension. I knew deep down we wouldn't make it to retirement together and no way was he getting half of my career hard work and putting a huge chunk of my salary away for decades when he had made no provision for himself since long before he met me.

Make sure you have your own pension, your own financial security. And if you proceed with the pregnancy do it with the understanding he does 50% of the caring responsibilities including paying 50% of childcare so you can forge your career and earning potential as equally as he can.

I have a secure retirement future, the ex will be on state benefits.

The mumsnet idea of marriage being the only way to financial security as a women who has children is flawed. I had full maternity leave with all of mine and I have worked slightly less than full time for periods. I am still in a stronger position than if I'd married my ex.

BronnauMawrion · 12/03/2023 18:18

Such a massive red flag.
He has shown his colours - his finances are more important to him than the mother of his child.

Livinghappy · 12/03/2023 18:20

It's reasonable for him to want to protect his investments and at least he has been honest and open and not strung you along....however I assume the pregnancy was not accidental and you didn't get pregnant alone.

He is telling you very clearly that you will not be in a true partnership. You need to make financial decisions based on being solo. Don't rely on him.

You will need to work and agree that he spends the same % of his salary on childcare to facilitate you working. If he doesn't agree what are your options?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2023 18:21

This relationship is never, ever going to go the distance. He is being crystal clear about who he is and where his priorities lie yet you're choosing to not listen. Is having a baby with a man like this in the best interests of your existing children? The answer is no.

chopc · 12/03/2023 18:22

Sorry to be harsh - but why did you get pregnant without sorting this out? He has a valid point?

Soon you will be a single mum of 3 and wondering how you can make ends meet

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/03/2023 18:25

How old are your other children?.

Honestly I would cut my losses and plan your exit from this relationship; he is showing you all too clearly what he thinks of you now. He sounds bloody awful actually and such types are both mean with money and with love.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 12/03/2023 18:25

“Why did you get pregnant then?”

You feel vulnerable because you are vulnerable. And he’s a cunt.

CantFindTheBeat · 12/03/2023 18:28

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 12/03/2023 18:25

“Why did you get pregnant then?”

You feel vulnerable because you are vulnerable. And he’s a cunt.

He might not be, @Doesthepopeshitinthewoods.

OP has children already. There's nothing to say that this man promised her the world if she had a child with him.

EVliving · 12/03/2023 18:29

Hmmm - lets say you have a Pension pot already worth £500,000 then you get married. Then lets say after 10 years you divorce you would be extremely grateful that you didnt get married then. We see this happen on MN every week. Protect your own assets but build a future together, joint house, joint savings. How often do marriages fail again?

Shinyandnew1 · 12/03/2023 18:30

When did you finish your degree? When did you find out you were pregnant?

No way would I be having a baby and not working for 2-3 years if we weren’t married!

Eyerollcentral · 12/03/2023 18:31

Why would you be out for 2 - 3 years??? Seems excessive. The guy is a total prick and doesn’t see this long term. Who the hell would want to be with a man who values his money above anything else? A man will marry you if he wants to. If you have to ask him at all he doesn’t want to. Judging you for being married before was the red flag when you should have dumped him. I would dump him and get on with my life. He sounds awful.

AubadeIsIt · 12/03/2023 18:31

This. You can't have children with someone with this attitude. He should be jumping at the chance to protect his family-- he doesn't even have other children to think of. He says "why throw all this away for a piece of paper?" What the hell are you throwing away? It would consolidate, to the contrary. He wants to be able to throw YOU away easily if necessary one day.

Businessflake · 12/03/2023 18:31

I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years

Why? I have two children and didn’t take 2-3 years out of my career.

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