Not getting married to protect his pension

[iwasaprincessonce]

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

I didn’t say marriage made a relationship permanent. I said to aim for a permanent union. The aim of marriage is that it is until the death of either party. When that aim is not achieved then the marriage can be dissolved but the marriage vow is until death, that’s the promise people make when they get married, not until you just don’t fancy it any more.
‘Imo a relationship shop doesn’t have to last a lifetime to be successful. It’s possible to to have a good relationship that comes to end and it be successful’ I agree. My point was in response to a poster who said that they would discourage their own children from getting married because it would put their financial assets at risk in case of the relationship ending. That is sad. That is placing money above anything else, which is a completely empty existence. If you just don’t believe in marriage fine. To discourage your children from marriage because they could lose money is a totally different thing and is extremely cynical.

DO NOT buy a house with this man.

I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He might feel differently once you are working full time and live together. How long have you been together? Also, why are you ‘out for another 2-3 years’? Plenty of women return to work when their baby is a few months old. You mentioned your dad has dementia. Have adult social care offered you any ideas for his care so you’re no longer his carer?

Also, why did you get pregnant with a man who pretends his older child doesn’t exist? I wouldn’t want to marry or get pregnant by a man like this.

You say this is a wanted child but this man is not going to help pay childcare? He realises children are the responsibility of both parents, right?

@Donnashair to reiterate I don’t think marriage makes a relationship more significant than another relationship. I don’t think a longer relationship is necessarily more significant than a shorter relationship. I still think its cynical to say don’t get married because your money might be at risk.

He could change a will any time up to the day he dies, which might be at age 88, 99, 102. Your baby would be 50? 60? by then???

This talk of a will is to keep you dangling, to keep you invested.

He only loves money.

How old are you?

how old are you other kids?

Can’t believe you have other children but started trying for a baby, when you didn’t want one/ready for one, just incase it took a while. Did you not know it could happen any given month?

You won’t ever have the money to match his deposit. At least not for a long time.

You knew he wouldn’t marry you, but went ahead ttc anyway, now it’s an issue. Why now?

You can’t afford to not work and not eat into your savings.

He isn’t going to house you, this baby and your older kids. You will need to do that.

OP, I’m really sorry in advance because this going to sound harsh but

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU DOING?!?!

You know who this guy is: he is someone who thinks “my ex played games with me” is a reason to contribute NO £s to his existing child’s upbringing. (CMS can facilitate contributions whether there is contact or not). He is someone who thinks raising children is women’s work.

Somehow he has managed to convince you/you have managed to convince yourself that the issue at stake is whether he marries you or not.

That is NOT the issue. The issue is that he is a selfish and entitled prick and that you will be on your own in this, both emotionally and financially - just as you already are.

Do you feel confident that you can handle the emotional and financial implications of raising a new baby alongside your children? If the answer to this question is “no”, “I’m not sure” or “yes, if he does x, y, z” then FGS reconsider.

He is not going to do x, y or z and neither is he going to marry you.

Protect yourself and your own assets. Do NOT let him move in with you under any circumstances (if you are even considering this seek legal advice FIRST).

Either you have set your bar unbelievably low, or this man has gaslit and manipulated you into thinking black is white. Read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (you can easily download on kindle app) Hopefully most of it won’t reasonate, but if he’s playing mind games it might help you see how you’ve been sucked in.

If it’s not too late then please reconsider this pregnancy. This is not a guy you want to be tied to for life, and trust me when I say that starting again with a new baby by yourself if no picnic. It feels like an impossible decision but you and your existing children could pay a high, high price for a long, long time if you go ahead.

I don't blame him. If he's got a good pension why would he risk losing it?

Back in the day when people got married early in life and generally stayed together, couples would work together to build up joint assets.

But in this case, it sounds like are both older and any assets you have accrued have been built up prior to the relationship. He's realistic; any marriage these days has a reasonable chance of not lasting. Why should he hand over 50% of a pension he has worked for to you on the basis of a potentially short lived marriage. You benefit from the pension if you stay together obviously.

As with all these threads, the response you get would be very different if it were a man posting.

He sounds like a right dick. And you are massively deluded

I got myself into this mess and I intend to try carve a way out of it. Sadly people are invested, and I will forever carry the weight of this.

I have very little support from family and due to making said choices my friends I don't see much of. I've had my relationship for quite a while now. He is flighty, and yes I shouldve known. I didn't get pregnant on my own, he has always been straight that he wanted a child, as did I. My children are 14 and 10. We have never lived together but intended to when we generated a healthy deposit. I stay alone with children.

Your dad let you leave work in order to care for him?! He really let you do that?

Why does the sun for a relationship need to be ‘until death’. Why is that an ideal for you and anything else is just sad or cynical?

Financials should always be big consideration when getting married as you are legally and financially tied to that person.

You do realise that Love isn’t this huge ideal for many people? Romantic Love isn’t the life goal for everyone. It is for you. To the point you wouldn’t through all common sense out of the window. That’s not for everybody though.

Divorce doesn’t give a shit about love. Neither does the marriage contract. Both only consider the legal side. Love isn’t required to get married. Falling out of love isn’t all it takes to get divorced. Love has very little to do with it.

I think people are a bit dim when they bang on about true love and how that should be held above everything. Love doesn’t pay the bills. I have been in a place where I struggled to keep a roof over mine and my kids head. I would always pick my kids financial security over romantic love for myself. If I had to marry someone to proved I loved them, I would dump them.

I have assets. Those assets have set up those I love. My kids, my Dad, my brother and his kids and his wife. I am not dumb enough to risk my kids and my niece and nephews future in the hope the next person. I romantically love, is around til one of us die.

I'm sorry to sound so harsh but the more I read your posts I despair!
You already have two children with a man who doesn't pay for them
You then got back on your feet and were working full time and then you stopped working and now you're having another child with a man who doesn't want to marry you or pay for the child and who already has a child that he doesn't see or pay for
And you constantly say you have no family support
Why on earth would you actively try for another child in this situation? I'm sorry but it's just madness

Look you’ve backed the wrong horse here, and it seems clear if you’d studied the form that would have been obvious. He has one child he already abandoned without a backwards look. He has multiple rental properties yet won’t live with you until you have both saved a sizeable deposit - talk about putting things on the long finger. I hope you have your half of the savings intact, if not get them and then tell him it’s over. When the baby is born put a claim through the cms and make sure they are aware of the rental properties, if he won’t pay let the arrears build up and put a lien on one of the houses if necessary. You’ve already ditched everyone for this man which says to me they told you he was a waste of space but you didn’t want ti listen. Start rebuilding these relationships now and start to try and unpick this all so your next relationship can be a healthy one

When he was adamant that he wanted a child. Why didn’t you say ‘you are dependable enough to have a child with’

Why would you let this man who has an attitude of ‘it’s the woman’s responsibility’ be around you existing child?

Why are you planning on throwing your plan for your career down the shitter, changing your existing childrens lives to have child with a man who is so incompatible.

It does sound like you got pregnant hoping he would step up and look after you and your , existing, kids. If he was going to pay equally for your joint child, I would see his point and think it was sensible to not take on financial responsibility for you all.

But you knew he took no responsibility for his first child. Why did you think you and your children would be different?

Your partner doesn’t sound like much of a partner he doesn’t seem to support you in any way… it’s going to be very hard for you having a new baby with your older children and your dad to look after and trying to work…

And the fact that he doesn’t support his other child is dreadful

The relationship with him is so bad, your friends have with drawn from you?

Why are you subjecting your children to this man?

Op, you asked what we would do? Genuinely think your investment in this man will have an impact on your older children. You are bound to struggle financially and will be solely responsible for 3 children. Your 14 year old will be 18 before you can start earning.

I am shocked because you seem to have made decisions on pregnancy KNOWING he will not take any financial responsibility. Did you think pregnancy would persuade him to change his views on marriage? If so you need to take off the rose tinted glasses and see the harsh reality of your life.

Terminate this pregnancy and put your existing children first. They are completely lost in this disaster and will suffer for your selfishness.

honestly he sounds vile OP- what were you thinking- just terminate and move on. He’s been a shit sad before, shows no sign of commitment, even said childcare of his child isn’t his to pay- fuck him!

Shit dad

I would leave him. He will have to pay for the childcare, who does he think he is? He will need to pay support.

It’s not that you should have known, it’s that you did know what he was like.

He doesn’t contribute to his existing child. You must think that’s okay.

He literally told you who he was and you chose to get pregnant by him.

Are you one of those people who thinks it’s not a real relationship unless it produces a baby? That’s the only thing that makes any sense, unless you hoped a baby was a passport to not having to work for a few years.

Can you see why people are confused by the decision making that’s gone on?

Now you’ve had this latest conversation are you happy to be a single mum to 3?