Not getting married to protect his pension

[iwasaprincessonce]

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

You like him you want to be with him fine.

Are prenuptial agreements available where you live? If so, you could get one that allows him to keep his pension and retirement if you divorce. If he still says no despite those being protected then you like him more than he likes you.

He's actually being sensible protecting his assets with high divorce rates, it's what the advise would be on here if boot was on other foot! Woman earning more than partner? Dont marry! Its crazy! Etc. It works both ways.
This whole getting married to get access to assets is totally cynical and its no wonder men who have worked all their lives are opting out of marriage. Why work so hard only to lose half of it or more with an inevitable divorce when the wife gets bored as invariably happens.

Yes wives are notorious for starting divorce because they need some entertainment.

I agree, marriage should always include financial considerations. I won’t get married as I am the higher earner, have more in assets.

The difference is, that I and Do won’t be having kids. This man planned a baby, with the Op. Why she thought this was a good idea, I don’t get.

But he chose to have a baby with her. Her earning impacted is now further damaged. The fact that he believes all childcare is her responsibility, will further damage earning potential.

If me and Dp had a baby, pregnancy and mat leave would impact my career trajectory. But if he was going to let his career take a back seat or quit to be a sahp, I would want him to have some financial protection in law. I love him and wouldn’t want him to take a risk that benefits me, with no protection.

i think anyone who is happy to sit back and see their partners earning potential damaged for their own benefit, so they can have a shared child, with no financial protection is a bit of a dick.

In Scotland they have quite different rules about preexisting assets, including pensions. It's only assets from the marriage that are split on divorce.
That seems a fairer approach in times of higher divorce

I think that’s a really good way of dealing with divorce, especially for people later in life who might be getting married 2nd time round, there are occasional threads on this forum from women who lots of money/ assets/ good pensions and the general advice is don’t get married as you will potentially loose upto half, and that advice should apply to men as well - if you stand to loose a lot, don’t get married.

Agreed, the Scottish approach is much fairer, otherwise quite foolish to get married if you have way more assets than your partner, whether you are a woman or man.

Oh dear. You have children previous so I expect you know how children are made.
I don’t understand how it was a surprise? Mine was a surprise because I was almost 40 so never expected to get pregnant. But me and my partner had spoken and decided to use no protection and if it happened it happened. 1.5 years later it was a surprise. We had spoken about the ins and outs and finances. We are currently in discussions about whether we can afford for me to return to work. We have no family to help. Well when I say afford we can afford for me not to, we will have less but be fine. He is totally fine with me staying at home. I really want to return for a few hours at least for my own sanity. I’ve been married before and always said I would not again because the divorce was bloody awful. But then I love him very much, see that thing called love clouds judgment. We have pretty much the same amount of assets. Going forward if I didn’t return to work for some time his would increase. Marriage would be beneficial financially, but we both going in with houses almost paid. He will rent his so if it goes tits up we can split and be housed. I’ve kind of mind dumped but basically communication is what is needed as a foundation and always going forward. You don’t want any surprises!

Oh and love makes you do stupid illogical things. Having a baby with someone you love I would have thought doubled this, money would be like what’s that. I’ve done some pretty stupid things in the name of love. He really doesn’t sound like he’s in love. Protecting his baby and the babies mum should be extremely high if it at the top of his list. Doesn’t mean you can’t do that for yourself but if he was decent he would want to.

Have a short maternity leave

Pursue your career

Pay your pension

Save

He needs to do his share of parenting. I mean sick days, annual leave days. Everything!

I'd dump him. He's only looking out for himself and obviously intending to throw you under the bus. You can't trust him because he's incapable of trust. He's not wrong in not wanting to get married but he is wrong at pretending he was family.