Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not getting married to protect his pension

235 replies

iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 17:57

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Simonjt · 12/03/2023 19:44

I wouldn’t have married someone in a worse financial situation than me, as it stands if we divorce we’ll both be in a fairly similar situation to the one we entered the relationship.

You want to marry for financial reasons, he doesn’t want to marry for financial reasons, so you’re both putting finances as the most important thing.

What discussions did you have about finances before you decided to have a baby, if you’ve just completed a degree, how have you maintained your pension, paid the rent/mortgage etc during that time? Why would you be out of work for 2-3 years? I was a lone parent the first time round, I wasn’t unemployed at any point.

Sunnygirl07 · 12/03/2023 19:44

JeimeHonfUcoim · 12/03/2023 19:36

well for a start I wouldn't be having any kind of sexual relationship with someone who is not prepared to contribute to the financial security of their own child, and definitely not deliberately unprotected sex with the intention of trying to conceive.

but it's a bit late for that bit of advice.

that commitment doesn't need to be in the form of marriage, there's plenty wrong with the institution of marriage, but it's the appropriate protection for you if you are going to choose to scupper your long term earning power by taking years out of the work place. if marriage isn't the right choice for both of you then an extended period as a sahm would be very foolish. whether you avoid it by having an abortion or by resolving to go back to work after as short a maternity leave as you can bear is your choice - or of course walking into that vulnerability by choice if you want to put yourself into that risk with your eyes open.

leaving the bastard and forcing him to contribute 15% of his earnings to support his child through CSA would also be an option.

What do you think is wrong with an institution of marriage?

SAHM for 2-3 years is not a such a big deal at all.

mybunniesandme · 12/03/2023 19:46

As a higher earner with a large pension and in my thirties I wouldn't get married again either

Why do you have to take 2-3 years out of work? No one says you have to take anything more than the minimum off as maternity leave

And to be honest you're lucky you've found a chap who will pay to support your children by another father if you don't return to work after this baby anyway?

Why did you get pregnant again?

Original poster
iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 19:47

Thanks everyone for the replies, read them all twice because this is a pickle.

Quick backstory - he has a child from a previous one night stand. does not see the child or pay for the child, never has done. Did attempt too however as the mother wanted a relationship with him and he didn't with her, she (apparently) played games and this resulted in him not being able to maintain contact. I have heard this first hand so never know the truth, really!

I completed my degree full time, and worked full time. I ended employment as I have ended up caring for my father who has dementia. Returning to work in a 2-3 year time scale means is that of the childcare placement where you get funding to allow to return to work.

We do not live together. He has properties he owns and rents out, yet he rents himself.

Prior to stopping work I had a professional job and a part time role at weekends, i've always had to work to support my older children. Through lack of support from family the rising cost of childcare was another reason why I couldn't continue working (despite caring for dad) as I was essentially working for nothing.

The child was wanted and we both willingly went into this. I am not disputing my responsibility in my part to play.

It does make sense not to marry as our aspirations are differing in many ways. Yet I seek this as a means of security. However it does seem selfish on my part.

He will not pay childcare, that will be clear. He sees it as my responsibility to look after the child.

OP posts:
millymollymoomoo · 12/03/2023 19:48

Well he’s mind if right isn’t he?
you want to get married to give you protection and financial security- ie if you divorce in a few years claim all his assets

why are you not looking to work for years?

Original poster
iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 19:50

Forgot to mention re: assets from prev marriage etc. I did not take anything from ex pension. We had a house and split proceeds from sale. That was all. Following his death nothing was left to the children. No death benefits either. No pension etc.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 12/03/2023 19:51

iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 19:47

Thanks everyone for the replies, read them all twice because this is a pickle.

Quick backstory - he has a child from a previous one night stand. does not see the child or pay for the child, never has done. Did attempt too however as the mother wanted a relationship with him and he didn't with her, she (apparently) played games and this resulted in him not being able to maintain contact. I have heard this first hand so never know the truth, really!

I completed my degree full time, and worked full time. I ended employment as I have ended up caring for my father who has dementia. Returning to work in a 2-3 year time scale means is that of the childcare placement where you get funding to allow to return to work.

We do not live together. He has properties he owns and rents out, yet he rents himself.

Prior to stopping work I had a professional job and a part time role at weekends, i've always had to work to support my older children. Through lack of support from family the rising cost of childcare was another reason why I couldn't continue working (despite caring for dad) as I was essentially working for nothing.

The child was wanted and we both willingly went into this. I am not disputing my responsibility in my part to play.

It does make sense not to marry as our aspirations are differing in many ways. Yet I seek this as a means of security. However it does seem selfish on my part.

He will not pay childcare, that will be clear. He sees it as my responsibility to look after the child.

‘he has a child from a previous one night stand. does not see the child or pay for the child’ He doesn’t need to have a relationship with the child or the mother to meet his financial responsibilities. I would have dumped him at this point, particularly as you were already a mother yourself. What were you thinking?
‘He will not pay childcare, that will be clear. He sees it as my responsibility to look after the child.’ This is the direct out working of the man who didn’t bother to see or pay for his existing actual child. Sorry OP but you reap what you sew, he is a wanker of the highest order.

ladykale · 12/03/2023 19:52

ArcticSkewer · 12/03/2023 18:08

Decide if you want to stay pregnant and if you do, go back to work straight after.
He can pay 50% of all childcare costs and you get to build your own pension.

I wouldn't advise my boys to marry ... but I wouldn't advise my daughter to have children without being married.

Why wouldn't you advise your sons to out of interest?

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2023 19:54

It's is absolutely staggering that you willingly, purposefully got pregnant with a man like this. It's one of the most foolish life choices I've ever seen on here. I feel very badly for your existing children. They didn't ask of any of this mess.

Dery · 12/03/2023 19:55

You said your baby was planned yet all childcare and childcare costs will fall to you. Why? And why do you think that’s acceptable? Honestly, OP - this is not a man to have a child with.

ladykale · 12/03/2023 19:58

Is the man really being selfish though?

Isn't he doing what people on MN recommend if you are the higher earner,

OP has multiple kids from a previous relationship too. Baffled by why she would plan to have a baby with a boyfriend in this circumstance,

Not meaning to sound like I'm from 1950 but if marriage is what someone desires before babies, then get married before having one. It's really as simple as that

Original poster
iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 19:59

@mybunniesandme he doesn't pay or support other children. I do this entirely on my own.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 12/03/2023 19:59

Aquamarine1029 · 12/03/2023 19:54

It's is absolutely staggering that you willingly, purposefully got pregnant with a man like this. It's one of the most foolish life choices I've ever seen on here. I feel very badly for your existing children. They didn't ask of any of this mess.

This. But anyway, prepare for life as a single mum and make a claim for child support once baby is born.

BigFatLiar · 12/03/2023 20:00

I think you have your answer. He won't help with childcare, it's all down to you. You're a girlfriend and that's it. You don't live together, he's not into being part of a family.

Whenharrymetsmelly · 12/03/2023 20:01

Northernparent68 · 12/03/2023 18:02

It sounds like you’re both money oriented, you can’t make him marry you so get back to work and get your own pension.

This

AnotherEmma · 12/03/2023 20:01

"The child was wanted and we both willingly went into this. I am not disputing my responsibility in my part to play.
[...]
He will not pay childcare, that will be clear. He sees it as my responsibility to look after the child."

Why oh why oh why did you intentionally get pregnant by a man you do not live with, does not want to marry you, and does not pay a penny to the mother of his child?

This man is selfish, NOT father material, and would probably end up being financially abusive (if you ever did live with him).

It's obviously your choice about whether to continue with the pregnancy, I think you should seriously consider a termination, but if you don't want that, you should plan to do it all alone. Baby will have your surname, you'll have to go through CMS to get any money out of him, he won't see the child, and you will have to go back to work.

I don't know what benefits you are claiming at the moment - presumably carer's allowance and universal credit - but UC does provide a generous amount towards childcare costs, so you should factor that in.

Ovidnaso · 12/03/2023 20:06

Luckydip1 · 12/03/2023 18:53

I won't be recommending my sons get married.

Will you bring them up to take responsibility for their families, to look after their babies so their partners can go back to work after recovering from childbirth?
Or do you mean you'll encourage them to fuck women over?

Donnashair · 12/03/2023 20:07

I can’t believe you are surprised by this given all the information. You had about Uk.

Given the situation, him not earning much. You not working and caring for your father and not wanting to work until your child is 2/3 I am surprised you even planned a child. Never mind planned a child with someone who has zero to do with his other children and made it clear he won’t financially support you or pay half of childcare.

In all honesty, I wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t work and didn’t intend to for the next few years. But then I also wouldn’t have planned a child with them and not contribute either.

This is so ridiculous I can’t believe 2 adults thought this was a good idea at any point.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/03/2023 20:07

God op, cut your losses and dump him. He's awful. Personally I wouldn't be bringing another child into this situation which such a deadbeat loser.

What an awful awful man.

BigFatLiar · 12/03/2023 20:08

Ovidnaso · 12/03/2023 20:06

Will you bring them up to take responsibility for their families, to look after their babies so their partners can go back to work after recovering from childbirth?
Or do you mean you'll encourage them to fuck women over?

Show quote history

Just tell them not to have children then there won't be an issue.

TessoftheDubonnet · 12/03/2023 20:09

The child was wanted and we both willingly went into this

In what way did HE want to have a child with you?

This whole situation is such a mess. A mess you walked into with open eyes.

I'm baffled as to why you thought this would be a good idea.

PeekAtYou · 12/03/2023 20:10

Wanting the security of marriage is a different way of being money orientated. While you aren't unreasonable not want security, he's not unreasonable to think that he doesn't want to risk the odds of a divorce.

If you stay with this man I suspect that you will end up being one of those women who pay all baby expenses like childcare and work very part-time to enable his very important job. Do not take 2 or 3 years off- you need to protect yourself financially too.

Ceryneianhind · 12/03/2023 20:12

He will not pay childcare, that will be clear. He sees it as my responsibility to look after the child.

so what first attracted you to this arsehole?

Seriously you deserve so much better than this. How far along are you? Do you want to have this bany, fine if you so, but at least you know he won't hang around and annoy you, on the other hand he won't pay cm or even give a shit

Kranke · 12/03/2023 20:14

What? You’re both unreasonable. You both planned a baby when you weren’t married, not sure why you expected that to change as he’s said he didn’t want it. You knew he doesn’t pay for his last child. You don’t work. How on earth did you both think you’d pay and bring up this child?

Usually on here, I’m all for respecting the woman’s choice. Seeing a previous thread how people condemned bottle feeding a baby because ‘it didn’t give them the best start in life’, with no regard for the woman’s mental health/milk supply etc. These two people have knowingly conceived a child with no thought to how they would care or pay for this child. If this child were a rescue pet, you wouldn’t have been allowed one.

Mari9999 · 12/03/2023 20:17

@Sunnygirl07
Actually even though 80% of your salary was going towards child care, you were still contributing towards your pension and gaining the benefits of remaining in the workforce. Additionally, you had 20% to contribute towards your other expenses.