Not getting married to protect his pension

[iwasaprincessonce]

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

50/50 is becoming more the normal now you where each parent take equal responsibility

Sorry, I think you're bonkers being with this man at all not to mention purposefully conceiving a child.

I wouldn't be bothered if they didn't have kids at all, a lot of people won't, but definitely wouldn't ever encourage them getting married either way.

@iwasaprincessonce you say this is a pickle? I say this is downright stupidity. He told you what kind of man he was and you didn't listen.

Let’s run this down

Judges you for being married before but not enough that he doesn’t want to have sec with you.

Doesn’t see his child or pay for the child and it’s not his fault but you believe that, whilst also being aware he won’t pay his share of childcare for your joint child because it’s the woman’s responsibility. Does that make sense to you?

Or you don’t believe him and didn’t care and chose a deadbeat dad to be the father of your child.

He thinks childcare is the only the responsibility of the mother.

You don’t live together. You really want marriage. He doesn’t. Which seemed to come as a surprise to you. How could you not know that before you got pregnant?

You don’t work and care for your dad and are planning on not working for years. But also moan that he won’t apply himself enough to earn more. You degree won’t be used for years after you taking it. All that time and effort for what? Why didn’t you apply yourself and increase you own earnings? Not put yourself in a position where they are further damaged.

Financially, he would be daft to marry you. Someone who isn’t working and who isn’t planning on working. Someone who planned to take a hit and damage their own earning potential with a man who is a waster. The marriage won’t be death til us part, so yes, he is risking his pension by marrying you.

and also it does sound like you for pregnant hoping he would step up and cover any financial hit you took, but without discussing that with him.

God what a sad way to go through life and encourage your children to live. Money above all else.

But I thought you didn't work OP so how do you support the kids on your own?

@Ovidnaso I will bring them up to give generously and provide for their family and work hard, but if their girlfriend has an affair they will not be forced to give a minimum of half their inheritance to her, as they would do if they were married, equally if their girlfriend runs up massive debts on the side they will not have to pay them off and then split what's left 50:50, no way...

His attitude is understandable depending on the amount of his assets.

I had a friend who inherited money, got married, bought a house and was dumped 2 years later so lost half the inheritance.

I don’t see a problem if he simply declared you or his child the beneficiary of his pension and investments in the event of his death.

Maybe he should make a will or you should up your game to match him in net-worth?

OP if you are happy to raise this child alone, without his support then go right ahead. He's shown you who he is with his comment about the pregnancy. He's told you who he is with his convenient zero support if his older child and yours are acceptable cos he doesn't have to pay for them. Don't you see a sea of red flags here?? This man will deny that he has any assets in the event of you splitting & you will be expected to bring up the child alone - as he's pretty much told you will be happening. I don't know why you'd want to put yourself and your children through this additional stress tbh but it's your decision when all is said & done. You also need to raise your standards. This man wants his cake and eat it but wants zero responsibility.

It's only marriage, and it isn't the 1950s.

Most people just cohabit these days.

What’s the 1950s got to do with it? It’s tragic that you would advise your children not to get married specifically to avoid the risk of losing some money or assets rather than to aim for a permanent union. It’s sad that you see human relationships as transitory and disposable and that the most important thing of all in life is money.

Marriage has nothing to do with love, it's all about money.

Historically predominantly. Currently most people do marry for love. The cynical refuse to in case they might lose some money. It’s pathetic.

You are very vulnerable.

Having a child with this man is putting you and your existing children in an even more vulnerable position.

childcare is your responsibility? No financial protection? Existing child he doesn’t see or pay for?

why are you doing this to yourself?

@catherinecawoodrtd absolutely. Marriage didn't "protect" me financially. I had to pay my ex a settlement. I would recommend people taking steps to protect their future rather than getting married for that purpose.

OP, I did do more reading on this thread, and I don't understand several things: it appears that you quit your job because life was becoming too expensive and then you made the decision to become pregnant by a man to whom you were not married and one who was not paying to support his existing child.

What exactly was your plan for supporting your existing children, and how were you going to compel him to support this new child?

Marriage doesn’t make a relationship permanent.

I do see relationships as changeable. Imo a relationship shop doesn’t have to last a lifetime to be successful. It’s possible to to have a good relationship that comes to end and it be successful.

Often a relationship that works in someone’s twenties doesn’t work when the people are in their fifties.

Why is permanence the only measure of success to you? And why is it sad that others don’t see things the same.

I had a great relationship after a very difficult time. It was fun and light. It was never meant to last. But he is a good friend now. A very special person. The relationship gave us what we both needed at the time. Then we needed different things. It was successful. It achieved what we wanted it to. But it wasn’t permanent.

You’ve got to be joking right?! There’s so many red flags I can’t even break it apart. Why would you WILLINGLY have a child with a man like this? Him not wanting to marry you is the least of your problems. He doesn’t sound like he wants to be a family. You’re just someone he’s got pregnant

PrIt's your body and your choice but in your situation I wouldnt have the baby. I would end the relationship. He has one child he doesn't see and doesn't provide for. His relationship with the mother is irrelevant. He could make provisions to provide for his child. On top of that childcare is solely going to be your responsibility. Best case scenario you end up with a BF that pops in and out when he wants to and gives you a bit of cash here and there. He isn't going to pay maintenance because he'll fell that it isn't necessary as your in a relationship. Worst case scenario you are left holding the baby with a man that doesn't pay maintenance or have contact with your baby. You're putting yourself and your kids in a very vulnerable position financially. Him not wanting to marry is the least of your problems.

I definitely don't encourage my children to look for or expect a lifetime union. I don't find it a useful relationship model. That's a different story again though. Some people like marriage so much they do it several times.

Utterly shocked you progressed the relationship with him given all the red flags and the fact you have children already.

How far along in the pregnancy are you?

I agree with other posters in that:

• i personally (and its a personal choice) would probably not progress this pregnancy and would end it with him asap. I would do this both for myself and for my existing children
• i believe having a child doesnt preclude you from working. Most women i know didnt get the luxury of a year let alone 3...

Who was supporting you and your kids while you were caring for your dad? Who’s paying for you all to live now as you’re not working?

How old are your children?

Why would you plan a baby with someone you’ve never ever lived with?

If his income comes from being self employed as a landlord I doubt you’ll even get basic child support from him.

Are you sure he was aware the pregnancy was planned or was this an “accident” in the hopes he’d want to live together and marry you? He says you got yourself pregnant, an odd thing to say given you describe it as a joint decision.

All pretty baffling tbh. It’s your kids I feel for given what they’ve already been through. Mummy having another baby she can’t support with a casual boyfriend is surely further upheaval they could do without.

The plan was to live independently for two years. I wanted to match his share of a deposit to buy a house. He is working on a deposit as I was. In that time I have had to care for my dad. This was part reason for leaving work as it was too much. I have had savings which I support my other children with.

He has suggested he would make a will to ensure the child and I would benefit in the event of his death.

I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly. This does sound extremely naive however I am (or I was gyno challenged), didn't expect this to happen as quick as it did.

This man is not in any sense of the word a partner to you.

He is at most a FWB and I am sorry, but you are not going to see a penny from him for the support of his own child when he decides you're boring or too much of your attention is taken up by your father or the baby you're carrying.

He is completely selfish man who has no sense of responsibility to his own flesh and blood. He loves only money. Not you, not your children, not his existing child or the one you're expecting.

His entire argument here is based on what would happen to his money if you decided to divorce him.

Yet you have taken on the responsibility and the career hit of his baby here, and he is free to walk if he wishes - and he's done it before, and neither sees nor supports his child (from a one night stand, yeah...)

If you think he won't do it again, good luck.