Not getting married to protect his pension

[iwasaprincessonce]

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

Sometimes
i had a year off work due to redundancy. Career was just about ok

provided childcare is joint, then no reason a mum should be impacted tbh

Out of the ‘job finding’ game I would assume.
Rightly or wrongly it is harder to find and secure a job, generally, when pregnant. The OP will then have maternity leave, which is another 6-12 months usually. So it could easily be at least 18m-2y before she will be starting a job after collecting her degree.

Which is why women being pragmatic rather than incredibly naive/optimistic about finances and who to have children with is very important.

Not wanting to be doom laden or cynical but what have been the discussions about your first marriage and divorce been like?
Did you/ex split pensions in that?
Do you have a pension you'd need to split with dp if you divorced?

Unfortunately you have put yourself in a very vunerable position. There is no way you should be a SAHM if you're not married. You, baby and existing kids are vunerable. You extend the gap in your CV, don't build your pension, don't get national insurance credits you need for state pension, I assume you're not on the mortgage/ house deeds if unemployed so he could throw you and your kids out whenever he likes and there's nothing you can do about it. If you have this baby all he is liable for is CMS.

I'd be clear you won't be a SAHM if you're not married, and insist he will be either a SAHD or he will pay for the childcare. He may well refuse and you have to choose between putting yourself and your existing kids in a ridiculously vunerable situation or leave him and decide if you can keep the baby alone.

he has a responsibility to pay his way but not responsible to bank roll you
there’s no reason you can’t build your own career and pension
like everyone else you’d have to pay for childcare

you’ve not career and pension now that isn’t his fault that before you have his child

With rose tinted glasses off, marriage is a financial contract where the main breadwinner stands to lose half unless a pre-nup is agreed.

I think either you go back to work much more promptly, or you reconsider the pregnancy. Do you have other kids with him, or just the ones by your ex.

It’s quite understandable people don’t want to marry if they don’t think the relationship will stay the course, so I assume he doesn’t. In which case you’d be better to get out now or at least prioritise building up your finances.

I get that financially. But surely a decent bloke would want to be married if there’s a baby because that guarantees his parental rights? If mum chooses to not name dad on the birth certificate (and I wouldn’t if I was in the OP’s shoes), that’s another battle he’s got to fight if it all goes wrong.

So you’d advise your sons to leave their children/your grandchildren in a vulnerable position, with a under provided for mother, even if their partner was a perfectly reasonable woman?

Bloody hell.

OP, for a forward thinking couple, finances should be among the considerations at the forefront of reasons to marry or not marry.

You accuse him of not having enough financial ambition ,and yet you are positioning yourself as not working for 2 to 3 years. You are expecting a life where he does not bring enough to the table and for 2 to 3 years , you bring nothing to the table. Is there any wonder why he should be having concerns about the advisability of this marriage ?

You do not seem compatible in terms of your financial outlook and expectations. That does not bode well for marital harmony and satisfaction.

OP said the father of her children has died.

I am like him, I had such a difficult divorce I cannot marry again, I can’t bear the idea of fighting for a roof or resources to protect my son again after divorce. That doesn’t mean I don’t love or care for my actual partner, not at all, but it is very important for me that he keeps his financial independence and doesn’t rely on me in a permanent basis because I am traumatised by the financial fall out of my divorce.

For my own good, I will never be financially dependent on a man again no matter how wealthy he might be, I wouldn’t feel much respect for a partner whose welfare relies mostly on my income and resources. I want a partner that pulls the cart with me, he doesn’t have to pull it as strongly as I do, just do his best and above all, that he doesn’t not sit and rests on the cart while I do the lions share of the work on a permanent basis.

I agree, however, that if marriage is so important to you, it us better to leave to give yourself opportunity to find the setting that makes you happy. Interestingly, I found that in my partner who us happy not sharing finances (probably because he is also divorced and also has children to consider).

I think you should focus on building up your career and supporting your existing 2 children rather than trying to start a new family with a very disengaged partner.

I would keep the baby not matter what.

I don't blame him. He has money and he doesn't want you taking half. I'd do the same if I were him.

Not ignoring the fact he’s either not that invested or some extreme commitment phobia - isn’t this what pre-nuptial agreements are for? If that’s what he’s worried about, he can have it legally protected and you can then get married ?

This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.…I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me.

So finances are a main reason for you wanting to get married, but you are surprised that finances are a main reason for him not wanting to get married?

I think you have been naive about his feelings for you and for family. He is out for himself. Things are great if he is getting more out than he puts in, but he isn’t into the idea of building something up at a cost to himself and ensuring others are secure. He will always choose himself over you and your DC and his own DC.

I agree with a previous poster who says an abortion is a good idea. It’s certainly something to seriously consider. You feel vulnerable because you are vulnerable. He is at least honest with you. Don’t ignore what he’s said.

And who will pay the crazy nursery childcare price then while working before the child is 4 years old?

I did that and 80% of my salary went to childcare. I was basically working for Nothing.

Originally marriage was about 1) legally born children to know who their father was 2) for the financial security of the mother of the child(ren) before more women started to work in paid jobs.

So originally marriage is 90% about money and resources distribution in Family Law and it is Very Important for the poorer side.

But it can be very financially damaging for the richer side.

I would have a baby and start building my good career then so I wouldn't depend on him financially so much.

That's what I am doing myself now.

well for a start I wouldn't be having any kind of sexual relationship with someone who is not prepared to contribute to the financial security of their own child, and definitely not deliberately unprotected sex with the intention of trying to conceive.

but it's a bit late for that bit of advice.

that commitment doesn't need to be in the form of marriage, there's plenty wrong with the institution of marriage, but it's the appropriate protection for you if you are going to choose to scupper your long term earning power by taking years out of the work place. if marriage isn't the right choice for both of you then an extended period as a sahm would be very foolish. whether you avoid it by having an abortion or by resolving to go back to work after as short a maternity leave as you can bear is your choice - or of course walking into that vulnerability by choice if you want to put yourself into that risk with your eyes open.

leaving the bastard and forcing him to contribute 15% of his earnings to support his child through CSA would also be an option.

Did you have free help with childcare?

If not, how much % of your income did you spend on preschool childcare?