Not getting married to protect his pension

[iwasaprincessonce]

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

If the question is 'what would I do?', I'm afraid that, for me, the answer would be 'not continue the pregnancy', as I would see the financial and emotional risk to my existing children as too great. I would be very worried about having another baby with an unsupportive partner and without the financial protection of marriage. But only you can decide how to move forward. However, you need to decide based on what this man is likely to do, not what you think he should do.

I would have a termination and make plans to leave, work on your own career prospects.

This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

^ this is the main reason behind those men who say they don't see the need, it's just a piece of paper etc. They're not stupid. They want to be able to just walk away if they change their mind! If he's the higher earner, marriage is important for you. So he's knowingly leaving you vulnerable. He isn't that into you I'm afraid!

This. …..And You can work and have a baby, others have done it.

I’d reckon the likelihood of you still being with this man in five years’ time as zero. Do you not think he will have bailed out by then, if you don’t go first.

Was it a joint decision that you should become pregnant?

If you’re going to stay with him, and if you’re going to have a baby with him, and if he won’t get married, then you cannot take 2-3 years off work.

You’ll need to get your career started and put the baby in childcare, which he should pay 50% of.

You’re not ‘a family unit’ at the moment. He’s a guy with assets to protect, and you’re a mother with several children that aren’t his responsibility, and now you’re pregnant and ‘might struggle financially’. If he won’t get married, you need to be really clear that you cannot rely on him to ‘provide’ for you.

If you want the child go ahead, but go back to work as soon as you can, and he pays towards childcare. He also pays his share of all bills for the child

personally i would be considering options for going it alone

He won't marry you because he doesn't want to commit to you properly;he's keeping his options open and obviously doesn't see you as a permanent fixture in his life.

The time to discuss massive things like marriage is before you get pregnant.

Why should he work more to improve things for you and your kids? Has he been supporting all of you while you’ve been studying? Why wouldn’t you be able to work for up to 3 years?!

Have you ever worked? Did you have 3 years off after each of your other kids?

He’s not the father of your older children. He isn’t more of one because their father died. He won’t be one unless he adopts them and it doesn’t sound like that’s likely. He’s your boyfriend. The way you talk about his relationship with them suggests you haven’t been together that long and don’t necessarily live together.

The chances of the relationship going the distance are low. You expect him to shoulder the full financial responsibility for you and all your kids. He thinks you’re a risky prospect and knows full well marriage is a hefty legal commitment and not one he’s prepared to take. Up to you what you do next.

No possible way of making him do any of that.

@Tinkerbyebye You're not wrong about what he should do/pay for his own child, but OP has no way to force him to do this, whether they are together in the future or not.

An adult man who lays the ‘blame’ of pregnancy entirely at the woman’s door after unprotected sex? Come on.

Should my marriage not last, and with having assets and a decent pension there's no way I'd marry again unless the person was on a financial level with me.
I don't see why you should need to take up to 3 years away from your career for a pregnancy, your partner should be putting in his fair share both taking time away from his career and financially to support you and the baby but I do agree with him about marriage I'm afraid.

Why are you ‘out’ for another 2-3 years? I worked up to 39 weeks pregnant and am taking 9 months Mat leave.

Go back to work after maternity - I don’t see the problem.

Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family.

Well you go and ear money then, you know, ’for us, as a family’.

I’m suprised that youbare suprised he’s worried losing his money if divorce would come.
Half of the marriages end and you are even more likely to be divorced again.

His done nothing wrong.
But you do sound oddly naive for being old enough to have previous kids.
Stop trying to get you paws at his money ’as a family’, make your own money.

I’m posting this before reading the thread (cardinal sin I know) but I expect you’ll get a lot of people saying how unreasonable he is.

however on threads where a woman has assets she’s advised to protect them.

Women are disproportionately affected financially due to bearing children.

Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family.

Yet you fancy not working for another 2 or 3 years at his expense!

It sounds like you want him to earn more, to pay for you and your kids so you don’t have to work, plus marry you so you’ll be entitled to half his stuff. I don’t blame him for refusing.

Get a job and support yourself. I went back to work when my first baby was 4 months.

We’ll marriage is at its core a contract with financial incentives so I can very much see why objections would be based on that. However I do understand how you would feel vulnerable having a child without that security. I think you need to be realistic that you both have different ideas about what you should both be bringing into the relationship as you seem to be expecting him to be a provider but he doesn’t seem to want that role.

I won't be recommending my sons get married.

Probably shouldn’t have got pregnant. Definitely shouldn’t keep it.

Youve just completed your degree and should be focusing on your career. That way you won’t need the financial stability of marriage.

Do you have property together?

Did he want to have children with you?

He clearly has his guard up regarding to finances? Do you two have a big age gap? How comes he worried about his pension when you just finished your degree?