Not getting married to protect his pension

[iwasaprincessonce]

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

He sounds like a dick, but he was very clear about who is was. What did you think would happen?

save your energy, don't hope for more. If you want the baby alone, then have it and file for child support.

You can't afford to have 3 years off with a baby- if I was you I'd be going back to work and starting my career asap.

How far along are you OP?

For what its worth your deceased ex sounds like garbage what kind of a man doesnt make life insurance provisions or leave pension to his own children. Absolutely disgraceful and so hurtful to them especially when as adults they have children of their own.

You really do need a clear and concrete plan quickly

At 14 your oldest will have a screaming baby disrupting their sleep while tjey try and do their gcses. If your children arent same sex. Can you afford appropriate accommodation for an adult 2 teens and a baby with no job? Also presumably you have got rid of baby stuff so need to buy that too?

Oh FFS the guy is a cunt. Why the hell would you plan a baby with him?

Oh do stop with the if this was the other way around bullshit. A mother who had a one night stand and then left the baby with the man and disappeared from its life, would be torn to shreds for a start, but you miss that part in your reverse of the sexes. The man is a prick, too tight to even financially support his own child.

@Sunnygirl07 but why wasn’t the cost of childcare shared with your partner??

Has he ever said he loves you?

He will not pay childcare, that will be clear. He sees it as my responsibility to look after the child.

Yet you say he wanted this baby?

This man is a complete waster. You don't get to have children and not look after them/pay for them - that's not how it works.

In your shoes, I'm afraid I wouldn't be continuing the pregnancy. Your first priority should be to the children you have already. You owe it to them to protect them financially and give them the best life you can.

If you do go ahead, put in a CMS claim as soon as the baby arrives.

You don't live together or have even short term plans to live together.

OP, I wouldn't have gone in on so much as a goldfish with someone I didn't live with. Why did you decide you wanted a child together? Who is clearly not going to provide any practical, let alone financial support for you.

Maybe it's too late now, but please think more critically before making big decisions in the future. You now have three children living with the consequences of what you decide.

Get into work as soon as possible, buy your own place with the deposit you are saving, file for child support so you aren't left with literally nothing from this waste of space man, and don't get pregnant to a man who has given you a dozen reasons not to!

It’s what I thought. You’d prefer your grandchildren have no access to these assets in the event their parents split up. Because women can’t be trusted. Classic case of internalised misogyny.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Christ on a bike, I'd leave him for that alone.
Does he think you conceived immaculately?

It's a serious sign of misogyny - blaming YOU for a pregnancy he caused.

I see so many man hating comments. Sign a prenup. He doesn't believe in marriage. That's ok. Everything is great as it is so like let it stay. Being pregnant or having a kid doesn't mean you have to be married. When I got pregnant my ex tried to marry me. It was a long thing, I turned him down and many others down. I do not believe in getting married because your pregnant. You guys have good things going. Aborting the baby is going to scar you for life please don't listen to people like that. He is a great father for your kids and amazing to you. Marriage should not end your relationship. He is gonna stay still because you guys were not married.

Me too ! Good luck OP

You should divorce and either abort (if early enough), fight for custody of the child if you want, sign over your rights and/or put up the baby for adoption; because your husband sucks. He's an a-hole of epic proportions. He doesn't value you or see you as his partner. If marriage really was "just a piece of paper" he wouldn't be so bothered by it. If he's already thinking "well if you divorce me, you get half of everything" than frankly, you shouldn't have ever gotten with him in the first place; imo

"Why did you get pregnant than?" Excuse me? Last I checked it took BOTH of you to make that happen. You didn't impregnate your d-mn self. That's his f-ing child too! Ugh the AUDACITY!

You’re vulnerable because you gambled on him being someone (despite evidence to the contrary) he wasn’t. Given what you have written about him, why the hell did you think would turn out as you had hoped?

Probably because nursery school is so expensive that you would not take any money home. Why work to just pay nursery school fees? ( Rhetorical question)

The child was wanted and we both willingly went into this.
He will not pay childcare, that will be clear. He sees it as my responsibility to look after the child

Why on earth did you want a child under these conditions?

The poor dc deserves much more than a deadbeat dad who won't pay for them and who won't commit to their mother.

Have you considered a termination? Do you really want to be tied to this loser for the next 18 years?!

"Thanks everyone for the replies, read them all twice because this is a pickle.

Quick backstory - he has a child from a previous one night stand. does not see the child or pay for the child, never has done. Did attempt too however as the mother wanted a relationship with him and he didn't with her, she (apparently) played games and this resulted in him not being able to maintain contact. I have heard this first hand so never know the truth, really!

I completed my degree full time, and worked full time. I ended employment as I have ended up caring for my father who has dementia. Returning to work in a 2-3 year time scale means is that of the childcare placement where you get funding to allow to return to work.

We do not live together. He has properties he owns and rents out, yet he rents himself.

Prior to stopping work I had a professional job and a part time role at weekends, i've always had to work to support my older children. Through lack of support from family the rising cost of childcare was another reason why I couldn't continue working (despite caring for dad) as I was essentially working for nothing.

The child was wanted and we both willingly went into this. I am not disputing my responsibility in my part to play.

It does make sense not to marry as our aspirations are differing in many ways. Yet I seek this as a means of security. However it does seem selfish on my part.

He will not pay childcare, that will be clear. He sees it as my responsibility to look after the child"

I am really sorry, but this man is absolutely sh*t. He doesn't even take care of one of his children nor the woman that wanted to continue a relationship. Why in the heck would you have a baby with this person?

It's clear that he sees you as a burden and the baby.

If he doesn't agree to marry or supporting you through this, you are not getting anything from him once that baby is born.

If he truly believes that this baby is just your responsibility .. only YOURS, he is not going to help.

Did you even talk about responsibility before the baby was born?

If you knew what his thoughts were on this, why the heck have a baby with him?

You don't deserve to be treated terrible by this man. He is a cheapskate. You need to run.

Why should you be entitled to half his money OP? He’s worked for that you haven’t it’s his. In my opinion a prenup should be a legal requirement for marriage.
Luckily I learnt why marriage is a bad idea the first time I got married and I was potless then.
After that level of abuse there will never be a second time. Once bitten….
The fact that you are thinking of how you are going to get your hands on his money after the marriage betrays your reasoning for getting married somewhat doesn’t it?
Plus nobody needs to get married anyway except for tax purposes perhaps after all illegitimacy is hardly an issue these days.

In your shoes, I would take a year off at the very most. I would then get a job and pay into a pension.
Your partner isn’t dependable, he sounds selfish but what’s done is done. Going forward make sure you protect yourself financially in the event the relationship breaks down.

OP is a red flag here, not her partner. She finished her degree, so now can look for work. We don't know, but who paid for her degree? Supported her while she was getting it? Suddenly she is pregnant, when any responsible person would be job hunting, and can't get a job for 3 YEARS? But wants to get married and now live off his money?
The guy has a legitimate complaint. She needs to get a job and pull her own weight, bring her own money to the table, get her own pension. Maybe if he thought she wanted to take equal responsibility he would be more open to marrying her.

If you have the baby - which is madness btw - claim cms off him and put it towards childcare. Your 2 other children are old enough to look after each other and you may well be able to claim child tax credits for the childcare element.

That you actually planned to have a DC with someone who you don't even live with, is an odd thing to do. It's like you have learnt nothing from having to give up work the first time around due to childcare costs. Don't bank on ever living together, I really can't see that happening because he wants to keep you in a poverty situation by not even paying for his own child - he weasled out of paying for the last one, which is despicable.
I can't see why you'd feel a burning desire to have another DC when you've had to struggle with the 2 you have. Have you not been there and done that already? I'm amazed you'd want to start it all again as a single parent.

You don't need him, you WANT him. Since he is treating you as a potential financial transaction, breakup and put him on child support. Does the UK have that? Don't "stay together for the children." As a child of parents that didn't work out, knowing who my father is, I'm SO glad as SOON as it got bad, my mom got gone. My. Dad. Wanted to stay together til I was 18. I was 2mo old!!!!👀

We aren't asexual. HE got YOU pregnant not using a condom when you were ovulating. Keep the baby, ditch the dad.
Fine the dad via support for HIS kids.

Don't block the next blessing happening to you keeping this curse that is essentially calling you a golddigger. Flee!

Child support is optional in the UK?!? Take him to court!! He doesn't seem financially stable if he still rents while owning property. Does the UK have credit? He may ruin YOURS if you get married......

@iwasaprincessonce

You say he 'wanted' a child. But did you ever give serious thought as to whether or not he should have one? I mean, why shouldn't he 'want one' when his experience of fatherhood is 'deposit sperm then walk away'. What makes you think he'll be any different with this one? Doesn't look like he will be to me.

You are going to be raising this child on your own. Oh, he may do the odd thing here and there and perhaps buy this or that, but you will never be able to depend on him for any constancy of parenting or any reliable and meaningful financial contribution.

As far as marriage goes, if I were in his position, child or no child, I wouldn't marry either. As Grandad used to say "Why buy a cow when milk is cheaper?". He has all the 'fun' of family life with none of the responsibilities and he has complete financial security (ie no threats to his assets). Wouldn't we ALL like that? And you are handing it to him on a silver platter.

Finally, why are you taking yourself out of the job market for 2 or 3 more years simply because you're having a baby? If you decide to continue this pregnancy, plan on getting back to work as soon as you can, even if it's part time or low paid. Even part time and low paid work can build your CV.

It is absolutely a personal decision, but I'd be thinking about whether or not continuing with this pregnancy was really in MY best interests and I'd make a decision accordingly. And continue the pregnancy or not, I'd dump him. He's never going to give you what you want. He isn't obliged to.

Child support is not optional in the UK. However, as partner is self employed it's easier to fiddle your taxes and not declare earnings.