How to not become bitter about being single / loneliness?

[DoomedForLoneliness]

So tired now.
I get so sad seeing couples, don’t want to hang out with friends, because they either talk about or drag their boyfriends with them.
I can’t watch tv/movies because most of them has at least some plotlines around dating and relationships and that just makes me so much more lonely.
I try to read threads about positive sides of being single - but at this point getting to eat what I want when I want and not having to share remote control isin’t cutting it anymore.
Genionly scared I hav to be all alone for the rest of my life until I finally get to die.

Thanks.

I don’t really want to give any personal details anymore, I don’t want to risk the few commenters reading them and making even more personal attacks just to get some kind of kick out of it.
I hope you can understand.

I don’t blame you OP

So, I'm a bit confused about what you feel you want/need.
You talk about being lonely but seem to think the only way to really deal with loneliness is to have a partner.
I'm in my late 50s, childless and have been single for decades. I guess you could say that there have been a combination of circumstances that have led to this. I would have liked to have been in a ( good ) marriage I think.
Sometimes I feel lonely but I have several good deep friendships and a wider range of less close but still good friendships that mean I don't feel that lonely most of the time.
Society tells us that the only way to be happy/fulfilled is to be in a couple. This is expressed over and over again in adverts, social media and the like but it isn't actually true.
Everyone needs good deep fulfilling relationships but they don't have to be with a partner.
I love children and sometimes feel grief that I haven't had my own and won't have grandchildren. I don't even have nephews and nieces. However I have good friendships with a couple of families (one that I bubbled with in lockdown) and so have a group of honorary nephews and nieces that I massively enjoy being with and I think ( sometimes surprisingly) I'm pretty ok with that!

My advice would be to join some group or organisation that has aims of reaching out and helping people beyond just looking out for yourself. Find something that you feel strongly about and join in with people who have a common passion. Be open to friendships with all ages. A lot of needs around belonging, knowing that someone values you, dealing with feeling lonely etc can be met with good deep platonic friendships.

Sometimes I do get down about the fact that I am nobody's number 1, everyone I know has others that they would put as a higher priority in their lives when push comes to shove and bank holidays when people tend to make being with immediate family can be tricky but I do have friends that make a point of making me their top priority at certain times, as I hope I also can do for them and on balance, that really is ok, just as with any partnership when there are pluses and minuses too!

Just add, none of the above precludes you doing things to try and meet a potential partner too.

But it’s still good advice, every person you meet could potentially open a door, and keeping busy is definitely a step in the right direction.

Sorry your thread has gone awry OP, It does seem quite common that people find it difficult to empathise with those who have not been in a relationship.

I am 43 and have also never been in a relationship, I have also been in regular therapy for the last 3 years trying to figure out how to change that. I am afraid I don't have much help for you, but I think the answer to your original question of how do I not become bitter about being single is that you really have to try forming a relationship and if you subsequently decide that relationships are not for you then you can be at peace with being single.

I did get a laugh when it was suggested you need to make sure you don't come across as needy, I don't think I am even capable of coming across as needy.

If you do really want to be in a relationship then you will need to accept the the only thing really stopping it from happening is you, and that for it to happen you will need to make some changes to the way that you think and act. All I can add about this is that it is much easier to type it here than it is to actually do it.

@DoomedForLoneliness

My suggestion would be that you look on the BPC website, www.BPC.org.uk, find a psychoanalytic therapist or psychoanalyst near you and see if you can set up some initial consultations to discuss whether psychoanalytic psychotherapy could help you.

When you are asked why you have sought consultation- tell them you have never had a relationship and that this distresses and confuses you and you would like some help to think about it.

I was just pointing out how the trajectory had changed.

This thread stopped being helpful while back and had moved on to personal bullying.

And for whatever reason, my posts of defending myself got removed, while the nasty insults towards me remained. I asked MN what that’s about, but no answer.

@DoomedForLoneliness I am genuinely sorry that I’ve upset you and I’m happy to leave the thread since you’ve found my input unhelpful but I have never ever gaslighted you or lied about you.

You can be upset but there’s no point lying about other people because they’ve upset you. Your comments were also deleted because they were personal insults and mumsnet found them unacceptable so there’s a bit of dishing it but not taking it going on.

Anyway, I hope you find what you are looking for and the rest of the thread is more helpful for you. Good luck :-)

I think it’s just unhelpful to tell the OP that being single is fine. Being childless is fine, and has many benefits, but telling that to someone struggling with infertility is liable to get you decked. If you want/need something, then it can be overpowering.

I have a couple of friends who have never had relationships. Sometimes it just never happens, you’re in the wrong place, you meet too few people etc etc and as you get older one’s fussiness meter rises higher and higher.

All the psychotherapy in the world isn’t going to magic up a partner. OP needs to get out there. Likely blokes just don’t turn up at your door (unless you fancy an Evri driver!).

And it’s silly to say all relationships are toxic or whatever. That is spouted by the LTB crew who seem to resent any pairing. Of course humans are far from perfect and all couples have their ups and downs, but plenty of people are friends with their spouse, and do actually enjoy their company!

Perhaps I’ve should have made my title clear that I’ve was hoping to see if anyone else had to made their peace of not finding someone.
I haven't had to make my peace with this. But there are other things I have managed to make my peace with somewhat. Not owning a house is one, and living the rest of my life in a different country is another. In both cases, there are times when I feel a bit pissed off by the situation, but I do feel as if that annoyance is very manageable, does not affect my life too negatively and doesn't happen too often. That seems about enough to me.
In both cases I would say that I've achieved that relative peace of mind through reasoning, through comparison with other people in the same or a similar situation, and through making a real effort (as you have, I think?) to see and concentrate on the good things in my situation. So not owning a house = I have a small rented flat which makes me relatively eco-friendly; I can move easily; I don't have to worry about natural disasters as that's my landlord's problem, etc. And my flat is all on the ground floor, no steps, it's sunny, the view is nice, the street is quiet. The area is also fairly ugly :) but instead I think about it being quiet as that's something positive. If I find myself thinking something negative about my lack of house then I make an effort to think something positive instead, ideally the flip side of that coin.
I also find that it helps to be proud of myself as a sensible person who's not in an ideal position but who is positive about it.
But it is also quite important that I don't feel like there's still a chance I could return to my native country or own a house. Seeing those avenues as definitely closed means I don't fret about going down them as much.
Perhaps it might help you if you decide that you are definitely not going to have a partner, and plan your life accordingly, making it as pleasurable as it can be as a single person?

Perhaps I’ve should have made my title clear that I’ve was hoping to see if anyone else had to made their peace of not finding someone.

I don’t know ANYONE who failed to find a partner if they really wanted to, you don’t have to make peace with it, things can/do change!

You've obviously not met me then ☹️

You haven't failed yet @TheSnootiestFox !

Or me. I'm in my 50s and still single. 😕

What a really unhelpful post

Really makes those of us who can't find someone feel even worse

OP. to answer your question, yes I have made my leave but it's taken me 20 years to accept that I'm going to be single for the rest of my life

As pps have said, focus on enjoying life and then read the thread about skiddy pants.

Well, I was 50 before Xmas and I've been shit at relationships all my life. I don't know why, I just want to be happy 😕 I can't see things changing now I've lost what little I had in the looks department either.....

I can't see things changing now I've lost what little I had in the looks department either

Well, they might, and you don't know they won't, because nobody can see into the future. I think many of us have been in the 'it'll never happen to me' frame of mind, only to find it happens to us. You can give up all hope, stop looking, let yourself go, and have the attitude of a quitter, and it might still happen. We just never know when.

I'm tired, sad, fed up of fighting for something everybody else just has, and about to have to devote my life to caring for a mother I can't stand. I'm ready to quit to be fair.

@TheSnootiestFox

that is honestly one of the saddest things I've read on here, I can't let it pass without comment.

I won't even attempt to give glib advice, but I am so so sorry - life really is unfair.

here's hoping you get a break one day

@PickledWolf thank you. I have a horrible feeling that death will be my only break but thank you x

I have a simple theory that the chance of meeting someone is;

Number of single people you meet * your attractiveness = chance of relationship.

If you want to meet someone I’d look for opportunities of meeting singles. Hobbies, single nights, speed dating etc?
And by attractiveness I mean physical appearance yes but also are you confident, happy, can make conversation, can have a laugh? If you’re not and lonely/sad it might be worth working on that first.

I only met my DH after reading the Danny Wallace book “yes man” and saying yes to meeting a friend and some of her colleagues for drinks when I would normally have said no because I only knew her…: But I assumed they’d be mostly single and it’d be a chance to meet single people. The rest is history.

If I was single now and felt down about it I’d pick up a sociable hobby (maybe local walking group) for community, probably get a dog for company and keep a gratitude journal. So much to be thankful for.

Led9519

id edit that equation a bit to
(Number of single people you meet * your attractiveness ) + mental health/general positivity = chance of relationship

its hard to put yourself out there and people need resilience , and to trust in the good of people ?

Most people are not attractive by conventional standards and they still manage to find someone and procreate with them, why? Because most people are terrified of being single (aka lonely) so they shack up with anyone (depending on what your market value is, the lower the value the quicker you'll accept anyone offers to you). You don't need to be interesting, most people aren't and have nothing to say. You do need to be willing to put up with nonsense and a lot of compromises but you will get someone!

@TheSnootiestFox

what I will say, is to lean on others for support as much as you can. If you don't have friends or good family, then go online to find it. Social media (as much as I loathe it!) Can be very good for finding communities going through similar circumstances - Twitter/Facebook groups etc. People who will get your predicament and not offer just platitudes but will really understand. It can be very comforting to know you're not alone and that others are going through similar

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