How to not become bitter about being single / loneliness?

[DoomedForLoneliness]

So tired now.
I get so sad seeing couples, don’t want to hang out with friends, because they either talk about or drag their boyfriends with them.
I can’t watch tv/movies because most of them has at least some plotlines around dating and relationships and that just makes me so much more lonely.
I try to read threads about positive sides of being single - but at this point getting to eat what I want when I want and not having to share remote control isin’t cutting it anymore.
Genionly scared I hav to be all alone for the rest of my life until I finally get to die.

Many people are happy single. I was happy single. I would have been happy to stay single, had I not met someone who made my life even better. But if I had to go back to being single now, I would be perfectly fine on my own because I know that my happiness isn't based on my relationship.

Your fluctuations will happen in a relationship or single. Take a relationship out of the equation. It's a side issue. It's like anything else that you do at certain times in your life and not others. Bike rides, or eating porridge. It's great when you do it. It's enjoyable. It's good for you. You like it. But it's not the foundation of your happiness. Imagine a post 'How not to become bitter at never having porridge again'... you just get on with your life. It's yours. There are so many ways to love it, but I guess if you've tried them all, then your conclusion is..? And you really have tried doing all the things you're passionate about, things that engross you, until you've exhausted them?

You seem to be studiously ignoring the question 'What excites you/make you passionate/when was the last time you got excited and what about?' Is there a reason you're not answering that?

Porridge tend not to big part of pretty much everyone’s life.
So that is not comparable.
No on celebrates someone’s years with porridge .
You don’t have to undermine totally normal human desire.

You seem to be studiously ignoring the question 'What excites you/make you passionate/when was the last time you got excited and what about?' Is there a reason you're not answering that?

Exercise, seeing how I can change my body, make it stronger.
Also yoga, I’ve had many happy moments past few months, seeing results, getting better, learning and really ’doing it’.
I love animals, my dog was the love of life and only companion until she dies last may.
I love reading, listening, learning about psychology.
I live arts, crafts, anything hand-made pretty much.
I love nature.

Is that enough for you @Watchkeys , was this so important / had anything to do with my original post?

It's more about if it's enough for you. What about everything else in the world that you haven't tried?

All of your pursuits are solitary. Could you think of anything you might be interested in a group setting?

I didn't undermine totally normal human desire. I said it's not something to base your concept of happiness upon.

You sound defensive of your unhappiness. Good luck.

I know this isn't your consideration op @DoomedForLoneliness but for me it was having a family: I ended up using a sperm donor to conceive my son (solo parent by choice). I wanted a chance at having a family and before it was very much intricately linked to having a partner, once I became comfortable with the idea that this isn't always the only way, things got easier to see through. It didn't happen overnight. It is important to be flexible to different ways of trying to achieve your goals.

I have been in many relationships including a marriage and now in my early 40s I see the relationship "escalator" differently. Yes, being in a good relationship is great, and I wish for that for myself one day again. But it is no longer the be all and end all. Maybe it's due to having a child or hormones, or life experiences. However in the meantime, I have something else very important to be getting on with. There is an element of getting to a point in life and being comfortable with the idea that it may not happen for you, does that mean everything else is pointless?

What do you think the reason is that you haven't met anyone to have a relationship with?

Hi, @anthurium and thank you for your post.
Yes, I’m definetly more Team Partnership, than Team Children, I wouldn’t want to do it alone - I would just be more alone and lonely having to figure all that out on my own, figuring out my own life, specially since it’s not working out for me, is more than enough.
It does scare me that I’ll be totally alone in older years (I’m an only child on top of wverything), but I couldn’t do it alone.

But it’s good to hear it worked for you.
It was interesting to read you started to care less about relationship after having a child, for you it took the pressure off, huh?

There is an element of getting to a point in life and being comfortable with the idea that it may not happen for you, does that mean everything else is pointless?

I am trying to get to this place.
There were many years (in my younger years) when it didn’t bother me this much / often / strongly, but I guess back then I could still have faith that of course relationship will come my way - I mean never been in a relationship is unheard of - who is that big of an loser!

I haven't read all the replies but have you looked on meetup.com to find local groups based on your interests? It's a very popular way of meeting people now and you're less likely to just come across elderly folk I'd have thought.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

I've been there and it's not fun at all, but I can promise you, that being with some useless bloke you've settled for is worse.

I have been single 8 years. I went to college, then uni and now studying a master's.
I have reconnected with family and friends.
Got myself 2 cats and I'm planning on some tango lessons.

Find a passion, and run hell for leather into it. Mine is English literature and I've now decided I want to teach!

I am happier than I've ever been and I haven't been dating for a while. Just dipping my toe in now, and I will only date somebody who makes my life better and adds to it.

Your happiness can never come from dating somebody. It needs to come from yourself (and maybe cats)

ok- being completely honest and this is meant kindly not trying to be an arse.

It’s absolutely not good for you to tell yourself you’re doomed to be alone forever. That’s horribly negative and silly. The only thing constant in life is change- single people can meet the love of their lives and supposedly rock solid marriages can break up. No one knows what is round the corner so why assume it’s always depressing and negative? You don’t need to fool yourself that you enjoy being single if you dont. It’s perfectly ok to desire a change of circumstances. What’s not ok is to doom yourself to a life of misery from now until you die.

Instead of focusing on your value solely as part of a couple, focus on you. Do the things that bring you joy and fulfil you. No one wants to meet someone who needs them just to feel ok in the world - it’s needy and off putting. Your inner dialogue is so important I can’t emphasise that enough. If you tell yourself constantly you are lonely you will be because your brain will create more neural networks that focus on that and confirm it.

instead, build yourself up. Go out, socialise, focus on enjoying yourself and above all stop limiting yourself. Affirm that you are an attractive lovely person and any guy would be lucky to have you. If you affirm that and really mean it you’ll be surprised how things change, I promise.

If you’ve never been in a relationship before, why not try counselling or a dating coach?

I do understand not being able to find someone. Many people do not have friend networks, and work in a job that is solitary or devoid of a wide range of company. The wfh thing is awful for a lot of single people. Dh’s (middle aged) single friend liked the social aspect of his big company. They closed the offices, mandated wfh, disabled the internal chat - and dh’s friend said he wanted to kill himself (almost really).

Anyway, I agree with MeetUp. And, OP, no female-orientated ones! Regarding nature, have you tried a bird-watching group? It’s a bit trendy now apparently. Definitely walking: on my local Meet-up there are ones defined by age, eg 30s Walkers of Dumpshire.

Try finding single female friends your age who would like to go out (pubs/walks/meals anything really). Bumble app has a friend section.

I would try online dating with the view that you need to practice dating and work out what you are looking for. I wouldn't recommend if you are too fragile/vulnerable because it's not always the nicest or safest, but if you are fortunate you will have some nice experiences which might boast your confidence or make you realise the grass isn't always greener if nothing else.

If you don't put yourself out there then yes you are very likely to be long term single (I am likely to be too, but I've been in lots of LTR&married so I'm not that fussed!) view it as a job/project. You have to find ways to be available to contact with the opposite sex, there's no getting around that.

Hi op, sorry if I've missed it but have you tried online dating or dating apps? I find very few people interact that way in person now and it was a good way for me to meet guys for dates because like you all my hobbies are stereotypically more female and I refused to do things I didn't enjoy just for a man.

I've been married twice and had another long term relationship. I know from experience it is much lonelier being in a bad relationship than single. I dont feel like having any more now. I'm done.
But if you do want one then don't give up. Be The best version of yourself you can be to build your confidence, go to the gym, take up hiking, do karate, take up cycling, get yourself out there. You won't meet anyone at home.
If you feel fit and well and you have a hobby you enjoy you will be in a better frame of mind to meet someone and you will be more interesting.
Singles holidays can be fine too even at my age especially if it's a hobby holiday so there is something to talk about.
A fitness hobby is one of the best ways to meet someone and it will also make you feel great.

If you love exercise would you consider martial arts classes? Predominantly younger males…..

Or a singles holiday?

I would get another dog if you feel able to💐

I think you need to partake in group hobbies. Hopefully that will help you build some strong connections that you seem to be missing in your life.

The negative mental state that you are in right now is not a healthy starting place for a romantic relationship. You’d cling onto something unhealthy as you think it’s better than being alone.

Hi op, firstly just want to say that your feelings are valid and it's ok to be pissed with the world that a relationship hasn't happened for you. There are some well meaning posters on here but it doesn't help to hear the same old lines trotted out about being happy with your own company and you'll find someone when you're least expecting it blah blah. Or most frustratingly, you have to love yourself before someone will love you - rubbish! If that were the case then half the world would be single. it somehow implies that your at fault, that there's something wrong with you and if only were you to "fix up" then a man will come a callin...

I think it comes down to luck really, being in the right time at the right place and for some people luck does not shine on them. I would say that your friends will not be helping matters, it's truly shit of them to bring along partners to meet up knowing full well your on your own. It's insensitive and cruel, and unless they've been in that boat they'll never know how much that stings. Have you got any male friends? For whatever reason blokes can make better friends as they compartmentalize their lives and are happy to have nights out without partners in tow. Doesn't solve the single problem but you would have a better night out!

Or most frustratingly, you have to love yourself before someone will love you - rubbish! If that were the case then half the world would be single

Yes, because they'd leave their unhappy relationships. It might be frustrating for you, but happy people are much more likely to have happy relationships, and unhappy people are much more likely to have unhappy relationships. Psychologically sorted people with good self esteem walk away from crap. Psychologically unhealthy people with poor self esteem blame themselves for it.

It's not about fault and blame, it's about recognising your own power and independence in life, and that your happiness will be disrupted by low self esteem, regardless of your relationship status.

I’m sorry but not getting married is bad luck. Not having a relationship by 36 years old is a choice.

Most women find it harder to date in their late 30s because there are fewer single people. But OP also found it hard to date in her teens and 20s. I think a lot of the advice assumes OP has dated a lot but never found the right guy. I did initially. But if she’s never dated, then the same thing that stopped her before is stopping her now. And that is what she needs to deal with.

Definitely do old. I treated it like real life - 70% of people on there were likely to be fuckwits. You can get good at filtering them out.
Met someone in my 50s, still together 3 years on. But had to work on old. It's not easy

I have been following this thread and I notice that certain posters appear to be getting a little aggressive towards the OP.

She has already explained her situation and yet for some her explanations don’t appear to be good enough. Sometimes we can’t achieve what we are looking for and it takes time but the OP does not need people trying to make her feel worse about herself or that she is completely at fault.

She is basically suffering from loneliness and that brings with it depression. If your friend or family were suffering from loneliness I am sure that you would not treat them in such a harsh way and there is nothing wrong in someone wanting to be in a relationship. In fact, this is something many people will actively seek or welcome into their lives if they are lucky to come across it.

Many people are in relationships and yes some are happy and some are not.
OP the only thing I would say is don’t give up and whilst you are waiting think about what type of man would suit you, what type of relationship you would like to have and how you would like to be treated.

Keep an open mind and as someone said be the best version of yourself, be confident. if you need to move in different social circles then do this. Take an interest in everyone that you meet even if they are not your usual type. If some of the activities you go to have much older people there have the same attitude after all these people may have sons/grandsons who are single.

I wish you luck I hope you find what you are looking for.

@SavannaPlains

I think that is such a kind, thoughtful response to the op - I hope she reads it and takes some of your advice. just because it is easy for some to find a relationship, it isn't for everyone!

and there is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you are lonely and craving some love! We are not solitary creatures after all.

Thank you PickledWolf. We are social creatures. I just wanted the OP to realise that there is hope and opportunity out there it just may take a little more time. We can't change our past but we can certainly prepare for our future.

Hi @PickledWolf , and thank you for your very understanding comment.
It mean a lot.

I got bit snippy at some point in my comments, but it was frustrating not bein ’heard’.

I don’t like the being told I don’t value or love myself, I have, for years. Like I tried to explain in one comment.
I’ve been happy, also not hapoy and I’ve picked myself up. Time after time after time.
I’m just here now, because right now, lonliness is hitting me hard (”how dare you, you must love yourself every single second or you are unhealthy and no one will want you🤬😡”) so I’m having a vent, since I cant talk about this in real life.
So the who demand of loving myself is misplaced and just plain weird.
The world is filled with people who don’t live themselves. Single, dating or married - so why come at me. Particularly when I’ve said I have learned to love myself already. Years ago.

Or most frustratingly, you have to love yourself before someone will love you - rubbish! If that were the case then half the world would be single. it somehow implies that your at fault, that there's something wrong with you and if only were you to "fix up" then a man will come a callin...

This is so true.
Thank you.

it's truly shit of them to bring along partners to meet up knowing full well your on your own

Honestly, I didn’t even see that they were doing something wrong.
It’s such a couples world and that I didn’t realize they have been in the wrong.

Have you got any male friends?

No, I don’t.

Do you just want people to validate that you are perfect or do you want real advice? Is any part of you that’s willing to accept that there might be something people on the thread know that you don’t know or are you 100% shut off to new advice?

Most people are not telling you to be single, they are telling how to partner (especially since despite the title, you don’t seem reconciled to being single).

You’re angry at people giving relationship advice. You’re angry at people giving dating advice. You’re angry at people trying to answer your question of how not to be bitter.

I’m sure you’ll be angry at this comment but the reality of life is that change is mostly painful and hard. The easy answers you are telling yourself and responding to on this thread are going to keep you stuck and stop you from getting what you want. You can yell at us all you like but it doesn’t fix your life.