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Original poster

How to not become bitter about being single / loneliness?

220 replies

DoomedForLoneliness · 08/03/2023 18:44

So tired now.
I get so sad seeing couples, don’t want to hang out with friends, because they either talk about or drag their boyfriends with them.
I can’t watch tv/movies because most of them has at least some plotlines around dating and relationships and that just makes me so much more lonely.
I try to read threads about positive sides of being single - but at this point getting to eat what I want when I want and not having to share remote control isin’t cutting it anymore.
Genionly scared I hav to be all alone for the rest of my life until I finally get to die.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 09/03/2023 10:08

We've a number of single friends (mostly male). We're older as are they and basically they accepted they were unlikely to meet a partner and simply got on with enjoying the life they had, hobbies, holidays, friends etc. They seem fairly happy in themselves, have had decent careers, good friends, their own homes and do their own thing.

Perhaps your focusing more on what you think you should be doing and you're not focusing on the positives in your life and enjoying life.

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 09/03/2023 11:11

I appreciate the comments about own time and self-development and stop looking / when you least expect, I really do.
But I’ve done that.
I did everything I could to learn to like being on my own, never fully got the hang of it, I’m not good at 100% solitude.
I started to exercise, lost weight.
Went to therapist, dealt with childhood issues / low self-esteem.
Really went out of my comfort zone to meet someone, stopped looking and allowed the universe do it’s thing.
At some point I tried to accept that this is how it’s going to go for me, but it’s just day after day after day and can’t get used to it.

I only have my parents, but they only use me as a support for themselves, they don’t see or care about me as a person.
And I have like two friends, but they are busy with their parners/kids, so only talk about them pretty much.
And tell me to be grateful cause I only have to worry about myself. Like, thanks.

Meeting new people is difficult, everyone seems to have the friends they want already and chit-chats seem to mostly be about family at this age.
And that just makes me feel worse.

I know this all makes me sound so negative, but I’ll just vent now that I’ve started.

OP posts:
roseslovewater · 09/03/2023 11:47

Do you love your career? Are you working? How is that working out for you?

Do you have passions and ambitions outside of your current job (could be career or life goals - I don't mean meeting someone). What are they? Are you working on them?

roseslovewater · 09/03/2023 11:49

Just re-reading your post it sounds like you are depressed. Maybe you need to look into that. Meeting someone is pretty tough and even tougher when you are depressed. You seem pretty negative about everything. Sorry OP but you need to find some passion in life again by the sounds of things. Somehow! Not romantically but intrinsically. So maybe depression treatment is the key.

Goatbilly · 09/03/2023 11:55

DoomedForLoneliness · 09/03/2023 11:11

I appreciate the comments about own time and self-development and stop looking / when you least expect, I really do.
But I’ve done that.
I did everything I could to learn to like being on my own, never fully got the hang of it, I’m not good at 100% solitude.
I started to exercise, lost weight.
Went to therapist, dealt with childhood issues / low self-esteem.
Really went out of my comfort zone to meet someone, stopped looking and allowed the universe do it’s thing.
At some point I tried to accept that this is how it’s going to go for me, but it’s just day after day after day and can’t get used to it.

I only have my parents, but they only use me as a support for themselves, they don’t see or care about me as a person.
And I have like two friends, but they are busy with their parners/kids, so only talk about them pretty much.
And tell me to be grateful cause I only have to worry about myself. Like, thanks.

Meeting new people is difficult, everyone seems to have the friends they want already and chit-chats seem to mostly be about family at this age.
And that just makes me feel worse.

I know this all makes me sound so negative, but I’ll just vent now that I’ve started.

You must understand that romantic relationships end too? Many people go through multiple relationships, so it's not that everyone finds one partner for life. Many people settle too, because they want children/need a second income to secure a mortgage which they would never admit to in real life. You need to rationalise your feelings about this.

perfectcolourfound · 09/03/2023 12:10

Hi @DoomedForLoneliness Do your friends really want to bring their bf along when you suggest doing something? I can see why that would be annoying. Also if they want to talk about them all the time. I can remember that being the case when I was in my 20s, but after that, friends' get-togethers rarely include talking about OH.

So, if you can widen your friendship group, you may find a friend or friends who aren't dating, or who don't talk about their bf all the time.

I second others' suggestions about hobbies and volunteering. One thing is for certain - sitting at home isn't going to get you in to a relationship (unless you're activily OLD)! Maybe think a bit wider in terms of hobbies. A walking group? A group that does solo holidays? Go travelling? An evening course? Volunteering in your local park (conservation / physical work activities often have more men than women!)

EdithHowland · 09/03/2023 12:13

People suggesting the GP: the OP is lonely - a bunch of pills will only make her happy lonely.

I agree the problem is having “lady” hobbies. When my dsis listed her hobbies - reading, tv and cats - we both laughed and agreed that is only going to appeal to other middle-aged women! So no good. You need to think golf, or tennis. Volunteering is a bit problematic for your as it is mostly (much) older people.

Re the dog - is another possible, OP? I have met lots of people through breed specific activities, and there have been lots of men there of all ages. I was asked out - and I am married! (Specsavers moment maybe….)

Watchkeys · 09/03/2023 12:48

but at this point getting to eat what I want when I want and not having to share remote control isin’t cutting it anymore

Then do more for yourself. What would a partner offer you that you aren't offering yourself?

roseslovewater · 09/03/2023 13:12

OP it would be interesting to hear your own ideas for how you can turn this around if you have any?

derbylass81 · 09/03/2023 13:13

There really are literally 1000s of men out there.

Approach it like a job / project.

Get on online dating and just go for it. Don't spend too long on the online chat, as it only tells you so much. If you get on, suggest a coffee and just take it from there. Be upfront and if you're not feeling it, just tell them and move on.

NotAnotherBathBomb · 09/03/2023 14:29

User135644 · 08/03/2023 19:15

No end of available men on OLD.

I'm guessing you don't do OLD

frozendaisy · 09/03/2023 14:48

How about speed dating?
Checking locality for singles nights?

Get an evening weekend job in a lively pub.

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 09/03/2023 14:50

roseslovewater · 09/03/2023 13:12

OP it would be interesting to hear your own ideas for how you can turn this around if you have any?

I ran out of ideas.
I’ve done the things listed/ I already wrote about.
Went out more, got into volunteers stuff, hobby - okey that I realize I should find something men are more interested, but gotta figure out something I’d also care about.
Lost weigh, I know that’s a problem to most men.
Went way out of my comfort zone, so went out more, try to more available…..

I feel like a lot of these comments are pretty harsh/ hasn’t read my posts.
And I don’t understand comments that basically try and say relationships aren’t all that.
How can that be? Why would ’everybody’ try and want to be in one if they bring no joy to anyone.
I don’t think these comments are fair and being quite tone-deaf.

OP posts:
MarieRoseMarie · 09/03/2023 15:03

Online dating.

Male centric hobbies (running, quizzes etc).

Holidays for single adults.

Move to a city with more stuff going on.

Get a job in a pub.

EdithHowland · 09/03/2023 15:11

Get a job at a golf club - in the bar at the weekend/evenings. Ditto local football/rugby club (if small - not Manchester United!)

Goatbilly · 09/03/2023 16:04

DoomedForLoneliness · 09/03/2023 14:50

I ran out of ideas.
I’ve done the things listed/ I already wrote about.
Went out more, got into volunteers stuff, hobby - okey that I realize I should find something men are more interested, but gotta figure out something I’d also care about.
Lost weigh, I know that’s a problem to most men.
Went way out of my comfort zone, so went out more, try to more available…..

I feel like a lot of these comments are pretty harsh/ hasn’t read my posts.
And I don’t understand comments that basically try and say relationships aren’t all that.
How can that be? Why would ’everybody’ try and want to be in one if they bring no joy to anyone.
I don’t think these comments are fair and being quite tone-deaf.

Show quote history

Do you actually think everyone who is in a relationship is truly happy? And not in it out of some convenience? Crisis of living is literally forcing millions of people to stay in relationships because they can't afford to support themselves alone.

roseslovewater · 09/03/2023 16:21

OP I don't think everyone is trying to be in a relationship these days. It's quite an outdated way of looking at it. I'm not looking at the moment. A lot of single people are happier that way. It's even proven that for many women in particular they have a higher happiness index when single vs when married.

If I consider all the people I know in long term relationships, probably about 50% of them are in dysfunctional relationships where the other person is taken for granted / abused or they are stuck in a rut or miserable. It's not all roses and sunbeams.

I think the reason you're getting some slightly harsher responses is you don't seem to be open to any of the possible solutions suggested, yet you have no ideas yourself either and seem overall really negative about the whole situation.

My only final thoughts are - life is swings and roundabouts. You won't necessarily feel like this forever. And if there's a life change you can make, then make it. Even if it's something radical like moving area, going travelling or doing something new. Sometimes just changing one thing is enough to help.

OriGanOver · 09/03/2023 16:56

Join a cycling/climbing/mountain biking club. Or a golf club!

It's perfectly okay to want to find a relationship.

SkaneTos · 09/03/2023 17:35

No advice, but I want to commiserate. I am a woman in my mid-thirties too, and single. I have great friends, but most of them are married. Sometimes it feels like everyone I ever meet are married or in a relationship. I am actually involved in a hobby where there are many men, but they are all married too, or uninterested in me.

Watchkeys · 09/03/2023 17:42

Why would ’everybody’ try and want to be in one if they bring no joy to anyone

Not everybody does. You're labouring under the misapprehension that people in relationships are happy, and that being in a relationship is the deciding factor. That's not how it works. Generally, if a person is happy single, they'll be happy in a relationship, and if they're unhappy singe, they'll be unhappy in a relationship.

You need to find how to get happy first. You need to be the person who brings fun and interest into your life. You need to be the person who brings the love of things/activities into your life. You need to be the person who brings passion into your life.

Otherwise, if you attracted someone, it'd be someone who was into people who were bored, had no passion, and were generally pissed off with life. Is that what you want your future partner to be into? Because if he is, he's not going to be in great psychological health himself.

You are looking at relationships as 'the thing that everybody wants, in order that they can be happy', but it's really not like that. Get happy first. You can't have genuinely run out of things that you could try. When was the last time you felt excitement, and what was it about?

category12 · 09/03/2023 17:43

DoomedForLoneliness · 09/03/2023 11:11

I appreciate the comments about own time and self-development and stop looking / when you least expect, I really do.
But I’ve done that.
I did everything I could to learn to like being on my own, never fully got the hang of it, I’m not good at 100% solitude.
I started to exercise, lost weight.
Went to therapist, dealt with childhood issues / low self-esteem.
Really went out of my comfort zone to meet someone, stopped looking and allowed the universe do it’s thing.
At some point I tried to accept that this is how it’s going to go for me, but it’s just day after day after day and can’t get used to it.

I only have my parents, but they only use me as a support for themselves, they don’t see or care about me as a person.
And I have like two friends, but they are busy with their parners/kids, so only talk about them pretty much.
And tell me to be grateful cause I only have to worry about myself. Like, thanks.

Meeting new people is difficult, everyone seems to have the friends they want already and chit-chats seem to mostly be about family at this age.
And that just makes me feel worse.

I know this all makes me sound so negative, but I’ll just vent now that I’ve started.

Maybe it's worth giving a match-making service a go?

Comedycook · 09/03/2023 17:44

In the kindest way possible, I think you sound depressed and should see your doctor.

For what it's worth, I've known two women who were both single up until their forties and both ended up meeting nice men and getting married.

OriGanOver · 09/03/2023 17:46

OP reddit have a forum called female dating standards, they also have pocasts on spotify.

When I feel a bit lonely single I listen to it and feel so much better about my singleness!

Also I'm 35. I have been dating but most guys have been around 30! 30 is a good age for men! Otherwise at mid thirties you'll be dating older mostly divorced men with dc. It isn't great being a step mum, I really really don't recommend it!

Also find some single friends that don't just want wing women friends on nights out. My friends are amazing, we support each other and step in for each other and be each others plus ones etc 😂

MarieRoseMarie · 09/03/2023 18:02

Watchkeys · 09/03/2023 17:42

Why would ’everybody’ try and want to be in one if they bring no joy to anyone

Not everybody does. You're labouring under the misapprehension that people in relationships are happy, and that being in a relationship is the deciding factor. That's not how it works. Generally, if a person is happy single, they'll be happy in a relationship, and if they're unhappy singe, they'll be unhappy in a relationship.

You need to find how to get happy first. You need to be the person who brings fun and interest into your life. You need to be the person who brings the love of things/activities into your life. You need to be the person who brings passion into your life.

Otherwise, if you attracted someone, it'd be someone who was into people who were bored, had no passion, and were generally pissed off with life. Is that what you want your future partner to be into? Because if he is, he's not going to be in great psychological health himself.

You are looking at relationships as 'the thing that everybody wants, in order that they can be happy', but it's really not like that. Get happy first. You can't have genuinely run out of things that you could try. When was the last time you felt excitement, and what was it about?

This is so true and people don’t realise it.

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 09/03/2023 18:59

I’ve been happy, I’ve been sad, I’ve made myself happy again.
On anf off on and off.
Right now I’m back in the low point.
And I’m tired.

Once again, I’ve read all the comments and I do
appreciate it (to agree).
Perhaps I’ve should have made my title clear that I’ve was hoping to see if anyone else had to made their peace of not finding someone.
Now it got to the point where apperently most if anyone is actually happy in their relationships 😂, as if that was true.
C’mon now!

I know of female stragedy, but it’s all filled with men are horrible, relationships are slave camps for women etc.
I’m not able to find happiness in pretend that everyone in relationships are miserable, I don’t know anyone who’s worse off in a relationship.

And I’m not depressed, my situation is depressing.

Also, pp said I’m not open to suggestions, I am, I’ve just already done it all.
Except the male centric hobbies, but already said I will looking into that.

OP posts: