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Original poster

How to not become bitter about being single / loneliness?

220 replies

DoomedForLoneliness · 08/03/2023 18:44

So tired now.
I get so sad seeing couples, don’t want to hang out with friends, because they either talk about or drag their boyfriends with them.
I can’t watch tv/movies because most of them has at least some plotlines around dating and relationships and that just makes me so much more lonely.
I try to read threads about positive sides of being single - but at this point getting to eat what I want when I want and not having to share remote control isin’t cutting it anymore.
Genionly scared I hav to be all alone for the rest of my life until I finally get to die.

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 11/03/2023 07:08

Read through all the threads about all the lying, cheating, selfish, lazy, cruel relationships on here.

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 07:12

Can't believe some if the replies here. Well I can actually. And as for the nasty piece of work who said it's a choice, god you sound hideous!!

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 07:15

@Lovelyveg82 would you be troll hunting this comment if it was from a woman?? People change names all the time, I know I do

category12 · 11/03/2023 07:39

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 07:15

@Lovelyveg82 would you be troll hunting this comment if it was from a woman?? People change names all the time, I know I do

I think it's quite amusing that the poster recommended cycling groups, given it's one of the most loathed MN hobbies. MAMILs are out all weekend every weekend, spending the family money on super expensive bikes. 😀

No offence intended to that poster, just tickles me.

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 07:41

@category12 wait, what?? Did you change your name 🤔

EastAngle · 11/03/2023 07:49

Tbh I’ve also seen a few articles about how bad cycling is for women (vulva/vagina issues).

category12 · 11/03/2023 07:50

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 07:41

@category12 wait, what?? Did you change your name 🤔

No. I just quoted someone else's post. I never change my name, I CBA. 😀

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 07:51

@category12 oh you sounded like you came back to reply to me 😂

category12 · 11/03/2023 08:02

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 07:51

@category12 oh you sounded like you came back to reply to me 😂

Well, I was replying to the slightly off-topic thing cos it amused me. "Hey, get a cycling maniac for a boyfriend". Later: OP just as lonely.

(Soz, OP.)

Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 08:31

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 07:15

@Lovelyveg82 would you be troll hunting this comment if it was from a woman?? People change names all the time, I know I do

Get yourself a coffee!!

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 08:32

@Lovelyveg82 ooh lucky I own a coffee shop, got it on drip today. Goodness you're so funny, what a great, witty, cutting comment. That's me told!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/03/2023 08:37

DoomedForLoneliness

i get it
im single right now and I’m half heartedly dating a bit

but I do live with two kids and two cats 🐈‍⬛ so I’m not totally alone - I’m also having therapy to help me shape how i want my 5th decade (😱) to be like

it does sound to me like you need more single friends - now how you find them I don’t know but during my life of single parenthood I’ve gravitated towards me single friends and I’ve nurtured those friendships

friends can pop up anywhere , sometimes old acquaintances - new neighbours , work etc

also basic question but have you tried OLD ? It’s not as bad as everyone says ! It’s time consuming and full of very horny men
but logically it’s the easiest way to present your persons online and find someone that might be compatible

i get it you don’t want to hang out with the knitting club !
but it does sound like you need to be brave and try to meet some men and maybe find some new female friends

everyone I’ve met via OLD is a bit lonely
both my exes were in their own way and they admitted it to me

you arnt unique feeling this way

Lovelyveg82 · 11/03/2023 08:42

namechangeforthisbleep · 11/03/2023 08:32

@Lovelyveg82 ooh lucky I own a coffee shop, got it on drip today. Goodness you're so funny, what a great, witty, cutting comment. That's me told!

Enjoy!

ShrinkyDinks · 11/03/2023 12:06

I agree it's patronising when people say join clubs etc and it'll happen when you're not expecting but 10 years ago I was in same position as you OP and used my interests - in antiques as it happens - cos I thought this was the best way of building my tribe. It worked!

GiancarloM · 11/03/2023 15:14

For some reason got a push notification from Google. Was bored so followed the link. Read the thread - got sucked in tbh. Feel sorry for the op because many years ago I felt similar. Saw the posts that said 'joined a club but it's all old people'. Thought back to my previous club days and thought 'it really was a great match making service' because it often attracts single, youngish men.

Not saying it's answer, not saying it solves everything and agree with the argument that many are in bad relationships.

Is that ok, am I not to post?

GiancarloM · 11/03/2023 15:19

The above because someone sees to be questioning me. I think this will be my last post, will leave you folks to it 😂🙂

And on the cost - my wife can stand the cost but hates my shaved legs

category12 · 11/03/2023 15:21

Of course you can post, just was amused as MN's annoying husbands with the all encompassing hobby that will be "outing" if she tells us is pretty much always cycling. 😂No offence to you was intended.

CAJIE · 11/03/2023 15:32

So you think women 60 plus are elderly and only want to meet friends in your own age group.Well thats a little ageist.Why dont you just try seeing people as people not ages and perhaps share a hobby or interest?.surely it's whether they are interesting people or not that matters.If you think finding a man will end your loneliness think again and read the posts on mumsnet.If u do want a relationship then you might want to get into a different mindset and go to different places

Original poster
DoomedForLoneliness · 11/03/2023 16:12

CAJIE · 11/03/2023 15:32

So you think women 60 plus are elderly and only want to meet friends in your own age group.Well thats a little ageist.Why dont you just try seeing people as people not ages and perhaps share a hobby or interest?.surely it's whether they are interesting people or not that matters.If you think finding a man will end your loneliness think again and read the posts on mumsnet.If u do want a relationship then you might want to get into a different mindset and go to different places

🙄

OP posts:
Tabasco007 · 11/03/2023 16:24

GreyCarpet · 09/03/2023 08:02

I'm in my late 40s and I found myself single at friendless (for a number of reasons) at 37.

I wasn't really bothered about a relationship but I did want friends. I joined a choir amd was in that for a few uears. I made some good friends through that - male and female - mostly single and we went on holidays and stuff together. Had a really good time for a few years. But slowly they mostly fizzled out.

I had swing dance lessons. That's a really social scene with lots of men and women of all ages. Great for making friends and i saw a few relationships come out of it.

I started going to see live music at a couple of local pubs and met a few people that way. For friendships not dating.

Anyway, after several years making friends etc, starting new hobbies and one thing leading to another, I met someone (totally unrelated to the choir but who I wouldn't have met of it hadn't been for the choir), I started seeing someone last year who I'd known for a few years first.

I went to all of those things alone to begin with because I had no one to go with.

Nearly all of friends (male and female) are in their 50s/early 60s because, tbh, when I was late 30s, they were late 40s and were the ones who weren't still at home doing family stuff with their partners and children!

My point though is that I would suggest going out and finding some social activities that other people do where you can meet people in general. I wouldn't think in terms of meeting someone directly but you never know how your path will run and where you will end up.

This is good advice, of which I will take note.

Dery · 12/03/2023 10:39

“36 is still young in my book. I've got a good 20 years on you OP. The older I got the more vocal I got... my advice to you is to get more vocal now. Tell your friends you don't want their boyfriends tagging along. Tell your friends/volunteer groups/crafting friends that you're single and want their help to find a relationship.”

This (including age more or less). Also you say you’ve never dated which makes me wonder what’s held you back in the past and whether it’s worth trying some meaningless OLD dating so that you become someone who has dated. If you go into it not with the aim of meeting your life partner but just of practising dating, it could be helpful in getting you over that initial hurdle.

anthurium · 12/03/2023 11:28

DoomedForLoneliness · 09/03/2023 20:29

Hi, @anthurium and thank you for your post.
Yes, I’m definetly more Team Partnership, than Team Children, I wouldn’t want to do it alone - I would just be more alone and lonely having to figure all that out on my own, figuring out my own life, specially since it’s not working out for me, is more than enough.
It does scare me that I’ll be totally alone in older years (I’m an only child on top of wverything), but I couldn’t do it alone.

But it’s good to hear it worked for you.
It was interesting to read you started to care less about relationship after having a child, for you it took the pressure off, huh?

There is an element of getting to a point in life and being comfortable with the idea that it may not happen for you, does that mean everything else is pointless?

I am trying to get to this place.
There were many years (in my younger years) when it didn’t bother me this much / often / strongly, but I guess back then I could still have faith that of course relationship will come my way - I mean never been in a relationship is unheard of - who is that big of an loser!

@DoomedForLoneliness Yes having a child has definitely taken the pressure off in terms of finding a partner, it is no longer something I am seeking. I hardly think about it when only 3 years ago, it was all I thought about!

I also have several frozen embryos if I decide to try for a sibling, and being early 40s I am doubtful it would happen naturally now anyway. Bit that's besides the point.

I cannot think of a single relationship in my real life that I'd like to be in, a lot of them are controlling, coercive and a lot of compromises are endured (usually) by the women in them in order to keep the whole thing afloat. Having said that, if I were to cross paths with someone incredible, I might consider it but I do find that the little free time I have I want to enjoy it watching my son grow, expand my social circle. Invest in other types of relationships. I remember acutely the number of dates I'd been on bored to death and really thinking "I'm wasting my time here, this is going to go nowhere", but in a way, I had nothing else to do? So it was "necessary".

People meet people under all sorts of circumstances sometimes they're in a good place, sometimes not, tough i think being in a good place mentally makes you less vulnerable to saying "yes' to a relationship that is less than what you deserve. A a recently separated friend of mine has decided to really throw himself into all sorts of social events, just ti get out of the house, and has through random nights out build a little community of like minded-people. It's definitely helped him not feel suffocated by staying at home all the time, passing time.

Lucia23 · 20/03/2023 19:19

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn not to dredge up the thread but I'm a similar scenario to the OP and I was pleased to see your comment about getting louder and asking friends not to bring boyfriends along.

I'd had two female friendships I really valued but for the last 6 months of last year they kept bringing their partners to everything. It made me feel so lonely. I eventually said something 4 months ago and guess what? Haven't seen them since. It's hurtful to think I've been dropped just for expressing I felt lonely because of it after years of friendship.

I've since joined a hobby where I've made lots of friends and there are some nice guys but who knows if it will go anywhere - point is I've been infinitely happier meeting a more mixed crowd. Anyway your advice is great.

LolaMoon · 21/03/2023 08:13

I don’t like the being told I don’t value or love myself, I have, for years. Like I tried to explain in one comment

The reason people are saying this is not because they are thinking that loving yourself will make you absolutely ecstatic to be single or that its wrong to crave companionship but because its too way much pressure to put on a potential partner. People pick up on neediness immediately (it comes across in every way- what you say, your body language etc) and if you are coming across to a potential date that you require him in order to feel ok about yourself he will run. I would too because its deeply unattractive and I cannot be responsible for someone's ability to be happy- thats on them. Coming across as content and that you want a relationship rather than NEED a relationship is infinitely more attractive, as is confidence, which is why people are advising you this, they arent being unkind or suggesting that you should be dancing around ecstatic to be single. This is what will make it more likely for you to find a healthy, decent man.

Goatbilly · 21/03/2023 08:22

LolaMoon · 21/03/2023 08:13

I don’t like the being told I don’t value or love myself, I have, for years. Like I tried to explain in one comment

The reason people are saying this is not because they are thinking that loving yourself will make you absolutely ecstatic to be single or that its wrong to crave companionship but because its too way much pressure to put on a potential partner. People pick up on neediness immediately (it comes across in every way- what you say, your body language etc) and if you are coming across to a potential date that you require him in order to feel ok about yourself he will run. I would too because its deeply unattractive and I cannot be responsible for someone's ability to be happy- thats on them. Coming across as content and that you want a relationship rather than NEED a relationship is infinitely more attractive, as is confidence, which is why people are advising you this, they arent being unkind or suggesting that you should be dancing around ecstatic to be single. This is what will make it more likely for you to find a healthy, decent man.

Nonsense. Most people I know in relationships are deeply insecure, codependent, can't do much for themselves, and really haven't had issues attracting men whatsoever. These are usually women. Some of the men they got together with like a vulnerable woman to control, others with less predatory traits, took on board whatever "problems" came with that person and worked at it together. Most women "need" a relationship if you want to have a family unless you're quite different and want to pursue solo parenting by choice (I do know of one woman), most people also can't really get by financially one one salary.