How to not become bitter about being single / loneliness?

[DoomedForLoneliness]

So tired now.
I get so sad seeing couples, don’t want to hang out with friends, because they either talk about or drag their boyfriends with them.
I can’t watch tv/movies because most of them has at least some plotlines around dating and relationships and that just makes me so much more lonely.
I try to read threads about positive sides of being single - but at this point getting to eat what I want when I want and not having to share remote control isin’t cutting it anymore.
Genionly scared I hav to be all alone for the rest of my life until I finally get to die.

I agree with @PickledWolf .
I know some desperately miserable people who were unhappy alone but got happy when they found a partner again.
It also isn't easy to find a partner. Especially at a certain age, if you work within a certain demographic of people, like all female or WFH. It's a LOT harder nowadays.
I'm around the same age as OP and single. I look around at most of the relationships around me and am glad I am not with someone. The grass is always greener OP. With that said, I do understand how you are feeling. For some, relationships just seem to happen, a lot of it is down to luck and being in the right place at the right time. Where as for others like you and I, we have to make huge efforts, it isn't fair. Life isn't unfortunately.
I do understand your feelings x

I did indeed read it and I agree: it was very thoughtful and empathetic post.

Also, liked the advice on what kind of man would suit me and keeping an open mind just meeting people in general, I’m not the best with new people so that is a good reminder.

So thank you to SavannaPlains also!

Spend time on Relationships forum on mumsnet

Especially around Christmas. In fact any time.

Will make you feel all warm and fuzzy and happy inside that you don’t endure what so many do

@DoomedForLoneliness DoomedForLoneliness

I truly hope you find someone op - everyone deserves at least the chance of finding love and happiness!

like a previous poster said, try and get yourself out there no ones going to come knocking at your door unfortunately . Whether that be the dreaded old or speed dating give it a chance at least. And definitely look to change up your social circle, I think your mates are lacking in a bit of empathy imo - good friends would at least acknowledge your feelings - I'm sure they can do without their partners for a few hours when you meet up!

best of luck op x

I know some desperately miserable people who were unhappy alone but got happy when they found a partner again

Yes, it works like a plaster. It stops them stressing about their unhappiness for a bit. It's fairly likely that the relationships won't remain healthy and happy though, if it's the relationship that's their source of happiness in life. Too much pressure on the partner. I wonder if these couples will still be happy in a couple of years? It's quite rare to meet couples who are really happy together for years, and much more common to meet people who are below par, or actually unhappy, regarding their relationships.

I know it's really hard, but it's got to be expanding your social circle really. I think you said you have a couple of female friends and no male ones?

Are you an introvert, or do you suffer social anxiety, or have some neurodiversity going on? (I do, so have limited social circle, partly by preference, partly by nature - this doesn't make me unhappy as it's natural to me, but I'm also fortunate enough to have what I need in the people in my life).

I would definitely recommend online dating. Yes it’s a minefield and yes there are a lot of crap men on there but also some good ones. I met my DP online and two of my friends met their now husbands via online dating. I never met many men through work or social activities so it was a necessity for me to meet someone online. Give it a try for a few months. You never know you might meet someone you like.

When l was left as a single parent not by choice l spent 5 years alone.

I dated many twats and losers. Towards the end of year 5 l made the decision to not bother anymore. I’d made peace with being alone.

3 months later l met Dh.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I think it is that phenomenon of when we want something so much it eludes us! Like the universe is holding it back from us until we can be happy in ourselves and in our singledom.

If only that actually worked!
I think it’s all aboit luck at the end of the day.
Like I said, I’ve done the stop looking part, I learned to be happy being single.
Years and years went by and nothing.
It’s all about fool’s luck, that’s it.

Yeah, I'm the same though older than you and I have had two long-term relationships, but I know the bone-aching loneliness. I do think it is luck.
I have done all the things suggested on here and things haven't worked out.
I'm at the stage of making peace with things as they are and filling my life to try to ease the loneliness.
Also an only child and both parents have died and it's hard.

Sometimes posters just don't get it because they haven't experienced the same situation. The "join a hobby group" stuff is well meaning, but I've never actually met anyone at my various hobbies who was suitable - ie. age-appropriate and single and straight. I was out at a group on Monday with 6 men.... 4 in relationships and 2 gay.

This. I'm in my early 50s and have been single most of my life. I was in a 4 year relationship in my late teens/early 20s then about 20 years later I was in my 2nd LTR which only lasted a few years. I dated a bit between those two LTRs and nothing developed. I was involved in all kinds of activities and worked in companies that had 1000s of people but never met anyone.

I've been single for the past 6/7 years (my third LTR) and no matter what I do, I don't meet anyone. I've tried everything and have paid 1K for a matchmaking service. Still nothing. So I do think it's down to luck. My sister is the type to never be single, she's always in a relationship. Now she's happily married. My ex was the same, never been alone, always in a relationship and was in another one less than 6 months after his last one ended. It never works out like that for me. Once a LTR ends for me I go years, sometimes decades being alone. I've basically have given up now. I'm trying to accept that I will be alone the rest of the life, although I know I will be so very, very lonely.

It is frustrating when people say 'Join a club ' as though that is the answer.
People don't like to hear it but a lot of the time it is just down to luck. It isn't about who is the happiest or most secure in themselves because as I said upthread, I have known many who are very unhappy single but happy again in a relationship. Sometimes it feels like the person who is lonely and wants a relationship is shamed for not being happy or secure enough in themselves and that is why relationships aren't happening but it's far from true when I look at other people.
It's a sad fact that some just have to try loads harder to find good people in their lives whether that's partners or friends. Where as others, just seem to find them instantly. It can be draining when you have to try so hard for things when they come so easily to others. Does make you feel frustrated at times also.

I agree that groups are not a sure-fire way of meeting a partner, BUT as with every idea, you never know. I was urging the OP, should she join something, to make sure it wasn’t something she actually enjoyed(!) as it would be too woman-heavy.

I’m not sure about OLD, as it must be crushing if you are not confident, but I know quite a few success stories so it’s worth a try.

If you are able to play a little,OP, I would try a tennis club. My friend has met a v nice man there; they partner you up with others to play with.

@MovieQueen12 I also agree it's mostly about luck and timing. But also about meeting someone who in that moment wants what you want (in theory). When in your 20s it is about "escalating" so cohabitating/marriage/children and women are prepared to put up with a lot to jave children (usually). By the time you're in your late 30s, what are your goals? Unlikely men would be looking in this "pool" of women to have children with, it happens, but less likely.

I imagine it is frustrating, but what's the answer otherwise? If you only have a couple of female friends who you're avoiding seeing because they bring their partners or talk about their partners, have no male friends, and most of your interests are solitary or female-dominated - then you're not going to meet potential dates, you're hardly going to meet anybody.

Firstly OP, I'm a guy so god knows why I'm here. 38, married, 2 girls 6 and 8.

I'd echo the comments that say if you want to meet men, go where they are. I was a member of a mountain bike club which was probably 85 make. Single females who joined ended up married in short order - 3 marriages in the 5 years I was member from 60 members is pretty good. Plus, it tended to attract not just men but single men in their 30s and 40s without families. Once you have a family a hobby like that is hard maintain.

Honestly, single ladies who don't want to be, join a cycling club - fish in a barrell 😂

As an aside I've always thought women with interests, hobbies or passions (could be anything, sport, politics, art, career) infinitely more attractive than those without. I get the sense (right or wrong) that some women see a partner as a single focus point when I've always had lots of things of interest.

Great post @GiancarloM

Interesting thread, I’m also single and ok with that but would love to meet a soul mate. Unfortunately OLD is not great in my experience, mostly full of sex pests/married men. I also couldn’t be arsed to feign an interest in something like golf just to meet a man, that’s a lot of expense and time wasted and just sounds awful and boring. So I do sympathise with you.

Having said that I was married for years (mostly bad) and some days I just wake up overwhelmed with joy at being single. Being single is a million times better than being in a bad or even mediocre relationship.

Out of the suggestions on here, the dog thing sounds good. My brother has one and always ends up chatting to all sorts when he is out with the dog. Personally, I don’t particularly like dogs so that would be a no go for me. I wonder what dogs men are into, probably Alsatian or bulldog or that type of thing.

You joined mumsnet or name changed just to post that? How come? You first and only post ever

OP I can understand your sentiment. What I would do though in your situation is join societies according to your interests be it reading, singing, or whatever it is and don't concentrate on single/coupled as such just build your tribe - best scenario you'll end up in a fulfilling relationship doing something you love

OP when my SIL was 37 something VERY unexpectedly good happened to her ... just sayin..! - she did strive to achieve her goals before this good thing happened though - in her case - weight loss

You said you like nature and exercise. I would recommend joining either a young Ramblers group (think it's aimed at under 40) or get the Meetup app and look for events near you. They often have walks/lunch events. In fact I went to a meet up walk a few weeks ago and it was mainly people in the 30s/40s.

I'm in the same boat. The longest relationship I've ever managed is around 2 years and that was over a decade ago. That did produce my DD which I must admit made a massive difference to me. I do have a panic every now and then about how I'm going to cope whenDD leaves home, which won't be long now...

Anyway, I digress. I hear you. It's hard being alone. All the crap about 'it'll happen when you stop looking' lines are patronising at best. Ignore.

I have seen women get married, divorced and married again in the time I've been single. And it seems really unfair that they can achieve what I've never been able to do. I genuinely don't know why it doesn't happen for some of us.

It isn't you OP, you're doing nothing wrong. Your life sounds interesting and you sound like someone lots of us would be happy to be friends with.

You can of course stop trying to find a partner and be perfectly happy alone but deep down I don't think that's what you want to do.

I think that what often happens is that people get used to you being single, so they assume that's how you want to live your life. Have you told all the lovely women you do knitting/volunteering/crafts with that you're looking for a partner? Let them know... they must have cousins, brothers, sons, friends sons, who are single? Can you let them help you find someone?

I'd also seriously consider a matchmaker. Not cheap but they can do the hard work of finding a suitable partner for you, rather than you having to trawl through the time wasters/the great unwashed on online dating.

36 is still young in my book. I've got a good 20 years on you OP. The older I got the more vocal I got... my advice to you is to get more vocal now. Tell your friends you don't want their boyfriends tagging along. Tell your friends/volunteer groups/crafting friends that you're single and want their help to find a relationship. Tell yourself how fabulous you are. Tell yourself that it's ok to be single.

I don't think you've said anywhere @DoomedForLoneliness what your experience of online dating is?

I don't think it's helpful to say learn to be happy single as you plainly don't want to be. I also think that joining a RL club and finding a man is hard. I have always found that OLD works for me, but I have to have a lot of dates in order to find someone I am interested in. Have you tried it? I think it's a case of treating it like a project. Enjoy meeting new men, have a nice time, go out with people you wouldn't consider your type, and you will eventually meet someone.

I am single although dating a man now (early stages). I think friends are important, so at the same time as dating, maybe try to find friends - Bumble does this too. have you looked at it? I did and there are lots of very lovely looking women on there all looking for friends.

(fwiw I do agree a little bit with what @Watchkeys has said. I have always had more success dating when I've been happy with myself, and loving yourself and learning to do this is very important imo- but you can do it at the same time as dating!).