How to not become bitter about being single / loneliness?

[DoomedForLoneliness]

So tired now.
I get so sad seeing couples, don’t want to hang out with friends, because they either talk about or drag their boyfriends with them.
I can’t watch tv/movies because most of them has at least some plotlines around dating and relationships and that just makes me so much more lonely.
I try to read threads about positive sides of being single - but at this point getting to eat what I want when I want and not having to share remote control isin’t cutting it anymore.
Genionly scared I hav to be all alone for the rest of my life until I finally get to die.

Coming across as content and that you want a relationship rather than NEED a relationship is infinitely more attractive, as is confidence, which is why people are advising you this, they arent being unkind or suggesting that you should be dancing around ecstatic to be single. This is what will make it more likely for you to find a healthy, decent man.

Another way of looking at this (and possibly a bit easier), is to become so busy that you've no room for a man in your life. Then you can guarantee at least one will turn up!

@Goatbilly

If most people you know are needy, co-dependent, and many are attracting controlling men, you're arguing for the point that you think you're arguing against. Attracting men isn't really the point. It's about maintaining a healthy relationship that's good for you. We can all see relationships around us that aren't healthy, but what's that got to do with giving OP advice about her situation? It's like someone posting about their despair about being overweight, and, when someone else points out that it's perfectly possible to lose weight, saying 'Nonsense! I know lots of overweight people who can't lose weight!' Just because that's what people you know are like, that doesn't mean that it's an imperative for OP. She can be different from your friends, and it sounds like she should, if she wants to be happy.

Unless your point is 'Nonsense, messed up women can attract messed up men and have messed up relationships, I see it all the time!'

most people also can't really get by financially one one salary

And why do you think this is relevant? Because a woman needs a man for his money? It's 2023. We can all be financially independent. You may know a lot of people who have got themselves into a situation where they are financially dependent on their partner, and that's fine, but there are also plenty of people who aren't.

@Watchkeys do you know many women who have go on to become solo parents? No. Most women literally require to be in a relationship to have children. It is a huge driver for most women. And many will do anything to have children. Lots of women in certain parts of the country need a second income to make ends meet. It's a reality of capitalism. Most women need a man sadly whether they're codependent or not. They still need him in some capacity otherwise you'd simply see fewer good or bad relationships around.

do you know many women who have go on to become solo parents? No

Are you asking me a question and then answering it for me? Well, that's a strong argument

I know some women who are solo parents, yes @Goatbilly . One of them stays at home and looks after her child. One, whose child is older, works as a university professor. I do know a few others. But thanks for your opinion that I don't. Perhaps if you think it doesn't happen, it says something about the area you're in and the people you're choosing to spend your time with.

You're taking a situation that's common and presenting it as though there's, unfortunately, no choice. I'll say the same sort of thing to you: you're going to have to be overweight for the rest of your life, I'm afraid, because, unfortunately, most people are.

See how much bollocks it is? It's perfectly possible to do otherwise, and it's in the hands of the individual, not in the hands of what the dull majority are doing. It's a shame that you're so sucked in by this belief you have that a woman needs a man. Many of us have moved on, and don't live in that 1950s mindset anymore.

Solo parents by choice @Watchkeys as in they used a sperm donor to conceive, not solo parents who ended up single bit still had a relationship with a man that broke down.

The university professor used a sperm donor from a sperm bank, yes. The stay at home mum used a donor she knew personally, with the agreement that she would be sole parent. The father is actually in the child's life, as it turns out, but it's not because the mother needs him to be by any means.

It does happen, whether you like it or not, and it's not unusual where I am. Most people probably know a woman in a position similar to this. I'm not sure why you'd insist that it doesn't happen, or what use that might be to OP?

A couple of people isn't the representative of the majority, and most women will still prefer to go with a man and a relationship to have a child. It will still prevail as the first choice so woken do need a relationship very much for creating their families. So they will do what's necessary to achieve that in the first instance.

Eating too much food is still most people's preference, but it doesn't make it a need, that everyone has to conform to.

'We must all do what the majority do' seems to be your point. What a boring life that would be. I think we've both made our point now so I won't continue to respond to you - I'm not here for a bunfight.

OP, many women do have relationships, and feel they 'need them', as you can see. Many of us also don't, and it's perfectly possible to be happy and lead a full life as a single woman. Your happiness and independence are in your own hands; it's up to you whether or not to decide to put those most valuable possessions into someone else's hands.

Don't let any fool tell you otherwise.

@Watchkeys
You are so correct in everything you are saying. Dependence and dysfunction are so common for some people, they get angry if you suggest there is another way.

If you don't want children it is much easier to be single, but how do you deny the fact most women do want children and for that they need a relationship (usually). What other way is there?

Plenty of other ways, @xfan. Have a google.

Not really if you look around most women are in relationships in order to have children. There may be ways but they are either very difficult or too unusual for the majority. Look around @Watchkeys

If having children was the motivation for relationships, then women would be happy being single once they’d had them, yes?

Yet 1/4 of the posts on the relationship board are some variation of: “I’m in an abusive/ crap relationship. If I leave, can I get a boyfriend as a single mum?”.

Most of these women seem desperate not to be single regardless of whether they need a child. Not sure the child issue is the real motivator.

If OP wants a child, she can have one. She doesn’t need a boyfriend for it.

@Goatbilly

'Look around'?

How patronising. I have. I told you what I saw.

You don't have to take any notice, but it doesn't stop it being true. Can't be bothered to argue with people who disregard what I say, so let's leave it there.

Best to let them. We'll be independent, they'll insist upon being beholden to others. Fine by me!

Thanks for the solidarity

But what’s wrong with wanting to be in a relationship, simply because that’s your preference?

Nothing. It's when not being in one makes you so miserable that you get bitter that it becomes a problem. It's when it's the be all and end all.

This is not a good thing and is absolute nonsense. Co dependency is not a healthy or fulfilling way to conduct a relationship and those relationships are unlikely to be successful, fulfilling OR long lasting. Just because there are insecure people in relationships is not something to aim for. There are also people who cant stand being parents and hate their jobs, I wouldnt aim for either of those situations either. geez.

If most people you know are needy, co-dependent, and many are attracting controlling men, you're arguing for the point that you think you're arguing against. Attracting men isn't really the point. It's about maintaining a healthy relationship that's good for you. We can all see relationships around us that aren't healthy, but what's that got to do with giving OP advice about her situation?

Exactly. If being needy and co dependent means attracting a controlling man (which it sometimes does because controlling men seek out this kind of dynamic because it serves them) then you are basically arguing that as long as you have a man, it doesnt matter how he treats you or how unhealthy the relationship is as long as you have one. What a sad view point.

@Watchkeys

Have you stopped to consider why the op hasn't been back?? Because of completely unhelpful posts like yours I'd imagine...

this isn't a ltb post, there's plenty of those to get frothy at the mouth about, and where your 'it's wonderful to be single' tirade would probably be much appreciated. No, this is about a woman who is bloody fed up of being single and wants to have a chance at experiencing love and partnership like most of the modern world. What is so wrong with that? Not everyone has dire, crappy relationships. Not everyone has a desire to be on there own. Not everyone wants to go down the route of artificial insemination and lone parenthood. What are you not getting?

@PickledWolf

What I'm not getting is why you think you have the authority to police others' posts, on a public forum, and why you think anybody will heed your opinion when they're in the middle of a conversation with others.

All the best.

@MarieRoseMarie

I don't know - im seeing it the other way round tbh, some posters have hounded the op off her own post.

Nobody has hounded anybody.

There are chat rules. Report anybody you think has done wrong; you can get comments deleted if MN think they break the rules. Other than that, we're all free to say what we like.