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Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
RudsyFarmer · 08/03/2023 09:38

If it was a one off on his stag do I think I’d get over it. Just talk to him.

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 09:39

Get your ducks in a row and seek legal advice. You've got the 'ick'.

BarbedButterfly · 08/03/2023 09:40

This would be a deal breaker for me but my DP knows how I feel about strip clubs. The trousers down bit would be the big issue for me

ChaToilLeam · 08/03/2023 09:40

I‘m sorry. That’s a horrible thing for him to do and for you to discover.

FiveHundredDucksWentOutOneDay · 08/03/2023 09:41

Ooof.

Logical me says that if you already knew about this; and the extent of it, and you've got an 8 week old... I'd be telling him to store the picture somewhere else, and trying my best to forget about it.

But I know that I'd REALLY struggle to forget that photo, and I'm not sure in my head that "had a private dance" would have equated "trousers down with naked women all over him" in my mind.

I'm sorry, OP.

Bitingnails · 08/03/2023 09:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the user's request

CitrusHaze · 08/03/2023 09:45

Just trousers down or everything down?

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 09:47

Firstly, extremely misogynistic behaviour from the 'best' man. It was your day. Only an utter prick would mention something like that in his speech. He obviously wants everyone to think he's cool and funny. Sad individual.
Moving on to why he kept it. He might have kept it because he likes to remember the incident, but I think it's much more likely he chucked it in there and then forgot about it.
Lastly, why he did it. Obviously because it's all 'boys together' at stag do's isn't it. They do it for validation, to be accepted into the male group (or, to not be rejected from it) and because they like it - which is fair enough, but if you like it, then don't get married!

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 09:49

I would remove the photo and do with it what you will.

TheVanguardSix · 08/03/2023 09:50

That he kept the photo as some sort of trophy bothers me as much as his lewd behaviour. Sorta gives you the measure of the man. Integrity in men has died a death. But don’t worry, the cool wives/partners will spring up on this thread to tell the likes of us (who want men with integrity) to STFU and tolerate being disrespected (“because it’s a stag do! No big deal!”).
MN gaslighting will commence in 3-2-1… 🚀

Quitelikeit · 08/03/2023 09:52

I can see why you are upset. Sadly these things are very very common on stag dos.

It doesn’t mean that your DH thinks any less of you but I agree it’s crass.

If you ever get sight of men’s WhatsApp chats they too are usually gross.

Not sure what the answer is but I don’t think it’s divorce. A ban on future stag party’s maybe?

Morechocmorechoc · 08/03/2023 09:52

It's done, so long as that's the only time with a family I'd talk it out and move on. Postcard goes in the bin obviously!! Depends if you trust him or not though

Quitelikeit · 08/03/2023 09:53

Be warned there are some very very opinionated feminists on this board who will have a strong opinion on this scenario but you should not see that as a fact it is only their opinion

Zaliea · 08/03/2023 09:53

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag I would have divorced him straight away, I would never have got to finalising the wedding!

Fidgety31 · 08/03/2023 09:54

It’s no different to women going on Ladies Nights in my opinion, so it wouldn’t bother me . And you already knew he went there on his stag do anyway .

But if it bothers you then I’d just bin the pic so you don’t have to see it again .

Original poster
Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:55

@TheVanguardSix Keeping the photo has bothered me more than everything.

I don't like that he went or had a dance, but easy to blame the stags who booked it all for a "surprise". The fact that he's held onto it for two years has done me in. There's also no way he put it in a drawer and forgot it - he's currently WFH (not today) from the desk I bought to do so. I'm only not using it due to mat leave, but it still has all my stuff. So he only put it in there recently. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 08/03/2023 09:56

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 09:39

Get your ducks in a row and seek legal advice. You've got the 'ick'.

Really?

JamSandle · 08/03/2023 09:57

This would be a huge deal breaker for me but my partner knows I see strip clubs etc as cheating so if I found out he'd done it, I would count it as being cheated on.

Zaliea · 08/03/2023 09:57

Fidgety31 · 08/03/2023 09:54

It’s no different to women going on Ladies Nights in my opinion, so it wouldn’t bother me . And you already knew he went there on his stag do anyway .

But if it bothers you then I’d just bin the pic so you don’t have to see it again .

If OP doesn't go on "Ladies Nights" then she can expect him not to go to a strip club.

pinkyredrose · 08/03/2023 09:58

Maybe he wanted you to find it?

pawz · 08/03/2023 09:58

Ooo I think if you've already "got over it" but the feelings have resurfaced due to finding the photo I'd be more thinking it wasn't totally over it.

Honestly at home with an 8 week old I bet you're feeling all over the place, especially with finding that too. I wouldn't act rashly or out of anger, I'd make sure you had a bit of time to think about it.

I understand men on stag dos and strip clubs (don't agree with it but understand!) - however for me it would be keeping a trophy of the night, a photo that is seriously compromising and weird to want to look back on when he knows it'll upset you. It's thoughtless and would upset me a lot.

I'd probably have to explain it to him why it upset me so much and I'd want to know his reasons for keeping it, I don't think it would make me leave if I'd already got over / forgiven him for the visit (because that photo happened whether or not you'd seen it) but I'd be telling him it would have changed my view of him and I'd want reassurance it would never happen again or I'd be gone.

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 09:59

Speaking as an opinionated feminist :) I would destroy the photo and not tell him I have destroyed the photo.

Sparklfairy · 08/03/2023 10:01

pawz · 08/03/2023 09:58

Ooo I think if you've already "got over it" but the feelings have resurfaced due to finding the photo I'd be more thinking it wasn't totally over it.

Honestly at home with an 8 week old I bet you're feeling all over the place, especially with finding that too. I wouldn't act rashly or out of anger, I'd make sure you had a bit of time to think about it.

I understand men on stag dos and strip clubs (don't agree with it but understand!) - however for me it would be keeping a trophy of the night, a photo that is seriously compromising and weird to want to look back on when he knows it'll upset you. It's thoughtless and would upset me a lot.

I'd probably have to explain it to him why it upset me so much and I'd want to know his reasons for keeping it, I don't think it would make me leave if I'd already got over / forgiven him for the visit (because that photo happened whether or not you'd seen it) but I'd be telling him it would have changed my view of him and I'd want reassurance it would never happen again or I'd be gone.

Why keep the memento though? At the very least it's reopened the wound for OP. But really it points to he wanted the 'keepsake' which is even worse than it 'just' being a surprise that was sprung on him and went along with it but didn't really want to.

AllOfThemWitches · 08/03/2023 10:01

Honestly I'd bin my partner off for even getting a 'dance.'

Supersands · 08/03/2023 10:03

He hasn’t been honest with you that’s why it hurts. He should have told you about the strip club. Not someone else mentioning it at the wedding in front of everyone. He should of told you the full story clearly he hasn’t. Did he want you to find that picture? I would be talking to him about honesty and respect. See if he can agree genuinely or tries to wriggle out of it. You will find your answer.