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Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
Pr1mr0se · 08/03/2023 11:18

Is this a momento from his stag do?

maybeinanoter86 · 08/03/2023 11:18

For the person who said that it's the same as a women going to see strippers . It's not at all . Women are not sleazy like men . Women don't get off on it sexually where as men do . They are gross . Also I have seen my ex's what's app chats with men , married men from work and I actually left him because of it . Disgusting. Op I would leave him over this . We all have limits and this would be mine

Gymnopedie · 08/03/2023 11:20

OP just a small word of advice - don't destroy the photo until you've talked it out with him. Don't let him gaslight you over denying things that the photo clearly shows by saying you've misremembered it.

MicroSoftTeamz · 08/03/2023 11:21

Personally for me, I wouldnt be happy about it but if it was an one off at his stag do I'd get over it eventually..

What's important is that he knows how you feel about it and strip clubs.

Only you know what is the best way forward, if you feel the trust is gone and its not retrievable then I would perhaps get your ducks in a row as pp suggested.

LemonInaMug · 08/03/2023 11:29

@KirstenBlest bit of an overreaction unless the husband has cheated. It was a stag do, maybe he’s kept it as a souvenir type thing like some ladies do of their hen nights. Talk to him first before you do anything because sometimes it’s a lot worse in our heads. Hopefully he will be decent enough to comfort you and tell you it meant nothing. If it makes you feel unhappy he’ll probably get rid of it x

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 11:29

Igniteyourbones · 08/03/2023 10:57

Am I the only one who wouldn’t be at all bothered to find out my husband went to a strip club and had a private dance on his stag do? My husband has been on many stag dos and has told me all sort of antics and we’ve laughed about it together. I thought it was pretty standard for a stag do! I’ve been to parties with a Butler in the Buff and I’ve been with friends to see male strippers on stage. No touching takes place, it’s all good harmless fun with a group of friends.

No you aren't the only one. The problem is all the people that ARE bothered by it (and there are many) are living in a culture where they are widely treated as just "making a fuss" about this because it's normalised, so they feel railroaded into accepting something that deeply bothers them.

skippy67 · 08/03/2023 11:30

FoxFeatures · 08/03/2023 10:06

I'd email it to all his family with a request to house the H due to a divorce.

Of course you would...

Salome61 · 08/03/2023 11:33

So very sorry, what a shock for you, it is a horrible feeling to see what they have done. My husband used to go on a lot of work do's and I remember my upset when I found a photo of him at a place called 'School Dinners'. He had cream on his face and girls dressed as school girls were licking it off his face. They'd all signed the photo with their names and kisses. I never told him I'd found it and burnt it in the fire.

CorsicaDreaming · 08/03/2023 11:34

Truckinghell · 08/03/2023 10:53

I would also question whether the people telling you to leave him without a second thought have ever left their husbands whilst having a newborn.

I did, and I would not recommend someone else do it for stag do based idiocy.

Totally agree with you here.

Apairofsparklingeyes · 08/03/2023 11:34

I’d have removed my wedding ring and walked out during that best man’s speech. I know I could never stay with a man who went to a strip club and who then was prepared to allow his close friend to humiliate me on my wedding day in front of my family. It would have proved that we had different morals and values. The photo is just proof that your husband really isn’t a decent person who sees ALL women as equally deserving of his respect.

Lavenderzen · 08/03/2023 11:35

Over the top reactions here.

Have a word with him, explain that it upsets you and then get over it.
I presume he is a young man going to stag nights with his mates. Presumably this is what young men do.
Let it go.

Naunet · 08/03/2023 11:36

Ask him if this means he’d be totally fine with you being naked except your pants and having two naked men grinding on you whilst someone takes pictures, as he seems to have made this an acceptable thing for you both to do in your relationship.
I doubt he’d be thrilled with the thought of you doing the same thing.

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 11:38

Apairofsparklingeyes · 08/03/2023 11:34

I’d have removed my wedding ring and walked out during that best man’s speech. I know I could never stay with a man who went to a strip club and who then was prepared to allow his close friend to humiliate me on my wedding day in front of my family. It would have proved that we had different morals and values. The photo is just proof that your husband really isn’t a decent person who sees ALL women as equally deserving of his respect.

@Apairofsparklingeyes , Me too.

Sandra1984 · 08/03/2023 11:40

Lavenderzen · 08/03/2023 11:35

Over the top reactions here.

Have a word with him, explain that it upsets you and then get over it.
I presume he is a young man going to stag nights with his mates. Presumably this is what young men do.
Let it go.

Why should she "let it go" if it's something that really bothers her? What doesn't bother you maybe does bother other people, have you thought about that?

Zebedee999 · 08/03/2023 11:41

Surprising to me where so many people draw the line. My partner and I have total trust and have partaken in many events like this and have a good laugh about it. We both talk about what our next adventure might be. Our red line is way above 90% of the peopl eon this thread it seems.

Katy4321 · 08/03/2023 11:41

Starpop · 08/03/2023 10:06

Aw op you have an 8 week old your hormones will be whack right now never mind the sleep deprivation etc and how you feel about your body, so this will be a million times worse than if you'd found it before you were pregnant.

i don't think men really understand the enormity of how pregnancy and birth impacts us!

I too would be devastated to find such a photo, it's shit really shit! Is he a good husband? Dad? Is he loving? Supportive?

I would give him the photo and ask him to get rid of it, I'd tell him you had gotten over his stag do but to see photographic evidence has brought it all back and really hurt you. Then leave it at that. If he apologises and gets rid of the photograph then I'd feel I could move on after a while of licking my wounds. If he gets defensive and causes and argument then you might need to work through some issues.

it's easy for people to say leave him, it's a deal breaker etc but with an 8 week old it's not that easy to do!

your feelings are valid!

This

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 11:41

Lavenderzen · 08/03/2023 11:35

Over the top reactions here.

Have a word with him, explain that it upsets you and then get over it.
I presume he is a young man going to stag nights with his mates. Presumably this is what young men do.
Let it go.

JFC, more people trying to tell others what their dealbreakers should be. Fine if this doesn't bother you, but don't tell everyone else to "let it go". This gaslighting attitude is society wide and it's revolting.

SlightlyJaded · 08/03/2023 11:41

I would be repulsed and question everything as well, but broadly - his actions now would determine how this plays out and how I ultimately felt about it all. His reaction is encouraging. At least he didn't try to tell you it was 'not a big deal' and he has encouraged you to destroy it.

There is hope.

ReliantRobyn · 08/03/2023 11:42

Zaliea · 08/03/2023 09:53

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag I would have divorced him straight away, I would never have got to finalising the wedding!

You can't get a divorce before a wedding. Your ducks are lined up backwards.

Sandra1984 · 08/03/2023 11:42

Naunet · 08/03/2023 11:36

Ask him if this means he’d be totally fine with you being naked except your pants and having two naked men grinding on you whilst someone takes pictures, as he seems to have made this an acceptable thing for you both to do in your relationship.
I doubt he’d be thrilled with the thought of you doing the same thing.

maybe she should hire two males strippers and have a picture her taken while they're grinding her half naked, then leave it on the drawer.

See what happens. maybe he doesn't give a shyte or even finds it funny.

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 11:43

Lavenderzen · 08/03/2023 11:35

Over the top reactions here.

Have a word with him, explain that it upsets you and then get over it.
I presume he is a young man going to stag nights with his mates. Presumably this is what young men do.
Let it go.

I agree.

The same goes for hen nights too.
It’s just a bit of fun and is quite common.

I do have a couple of friends who aren’t allowed to attend hen nights just in case a stripper is involved but I think it’s absolutely ridiculous.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/03/2023 11:44

AllOfThemWitches · 08/03/2023 10:01

Honestly I'd bin my partner off for even getting a 'dance.'

Same.

Naunet · 08/03/2023 11:44

Lavenderzen · 08/03/2023 11:35

Over the top reactions here.

Have a word with him, explain that it upsets you and then get over it.
I presume he is a young man going to stag nights with his mates. Presumably this is what young men do.
Let it go.

Why? Why must women be ok with their partner being half naked and having naked women grind all over him? Can you explain why it’s on women to be ok with this? Must men also be ok with their partner being ground on by two naked men whilst she sits in just her pants?

RemoteControlDoobry · 08/03/2023 11:44

Igniteyourbones · 08/03/2023 10:57

Am I the only one who wouldn’t be at all bothered to find out my husband went to a strip club and had a private dance on his stag do? My husband has been on many stag dos and has told me all sort of antics and we’ve laughed about it together. I thought it was pretty standard for a stag do! I’ve been to parties with a Butler in the Buff and I’ve been with friends to see male strippers on stage. No touching takes place, it’s all good harmless fun with a group of friends.

You’re very naive. Did you spend the next few weeks fantasising about the male strippers? As far as I’m aware, women don’t do that.

percypercypercy · 08/03/2023 11:45

Zebedee999 · 08/03/2023 11:41

Surprising to me where so many people draw the line. My partner and I have total trust and have partaken in many events like this and have a good laugh about it. We both talk about what our next adventure might be. Our red line is way above 90% of the peopl eon this thread it seems.

It's the trust that he has broken by not telling OP about it though. That for me would be an absolute no. The strip thing wouldn't bother me in the slightest, but breaking me trust by not telling me? I couldn't get past it.

I left my first husband for something minor he lied about. It was over a small amount of money which would not have been an issue but the fact that he kept it from me I couldn't forgive.