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Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
MumOf2workOptions · 08/03/2023 10:46

NewCarOldCar · 08/03/2023 10:45

Wonder how he would feel if in 18 years time one of those women was DD and she was doing that to a man? Those women are somebody's daughter/sister/cousin etc.

Men like your H are vile to encourage this horrible stuff.

Revolting.

Exactly
I would t want to be with a man like that and If you think it's ok more fool you
Leave and take your daughter away from this vile man

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:46

FrostyFifi · 08/03/2023 10:45

Why the fuck is this whole strip club stag do even a thing? What a way to cause hurt and put a dampener on the start of a marriage.

It's just another symptom of a patriarchal society - the commodification of women.

SchoolTripDrama · 08/03/2023 10:47

Don't fall for it OP. He kept that for a reason. In fact he will have paid extra for the postcard

Truckinghell · 08/03/2023 10:47

Is it ideal? No.

Is it worth being a single mum over if your husband is otherwise a good husband? Probably no.

Sorry you're feeling sad at what should be a cosy time. Men are idiots.

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 10:48

@fromdownwest , a wedding day is supposed to be the best day of your life. If I had been OP, I'd be sitting there feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach.
The trousers down would have been a dealbreaker for me, and I wouldn't be able to get past it, so why hang about.

Drfosters · 08/03/2023 10:48

Has he ever been again since? If not, honestly, I would just forget about it. You will probably find he found the whole thing awkward even if he was smiling (as most men do- there is the fantasy and then the reality!). It was his stag do. He kept the photo as a memory of that day. He probably hasn’t given it any thought since. My husband and I are exceedingly close, I know he wouldn’t cheat, I know he would have found that super awkward and I would be laughing with him about it as I know he probably would cringe about it. It was a one off. My friend once dragged me to a male show for her hen do. Honestly I could not have felt any more uncomfortable about it but it was her do and so I smiled and was cheery and everyone had a giggle (including her mum which was incredibly weird!) . I am not sure I would have destroyed a photo if I had one as it was her hen do. Doesn’t mean I wanted to ever recreate it!!!

CorsicaDreaming · 08/03/2023 10:48

If it was me, I'd tear it into small bits and take it into the garden and burn it. While chanting "Men can be right twats sometimes".

Then forget it.

And tell him he will not be going on any more unsupervised (by you) trips with his "best" man anytime soon...

Stag dos seem to turn even the sanest and nicest men into childish arseholes... but imho it's not worth letting it take over and ruin any other area of your life (unless he has dodgy behaviour when not on a bloody stupid macho stag do...)

HaveTheDayOff · 08/03/2023 10:49

If he put it in a drawer that you both use he’s obviously not ashamed or trying to hide it. He might not even think of it as a ‘big deal’. Just speak to him and tell him how you feel. If it’s a deal breaker for you then end the relationship. If it’s not an issue then stay married.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 10:50

KateAusten · 08/03/2023 10:43

But MN is okay with strippers at a hen do

Are we? Personally I'm not ok with anyone in a relationship disregarding their partner being unhappy with them doing this.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 10:50

I'm sort of shocked you found out about the strip club at your own wedding via the best man. I think you already know that's not a good look.

Yeah his best mate is clearly a nasty, inappropriate asshole. Birds of a feather flock together.

And if he has the slightest inkling what his best man is like which he should he should have had him earned not to mention such thing on the day of your wedding .... To leave it to him to tell you privately. And his best man should live known the friendship would end if he did something like that.

Your h is clearly so arrogant, so uncaring and so sure you're not going to leave him that

  1. Did the lap dancing club thing in the first place when he knows you weren't really ok with it.

2 he didn't have his best man earned well not to potentially upset and anger you on your wedding day by referring to it, and is presumably still friendly with him

  1. He threw a photo of something that would naturally upset and anger you in a shared place.

He doesn't give a fuck and clearly thinks you're going nowhere.

I hope you only have one child with him.
Maybe it's time to gtfi before you're more tied to him.

He's a fkg dickhead.

Choconut · 08/03/2023 10:52

Do they have people up on stage for a performance at lap dancing clubs? I had no idea. It sounds more like the Chippendales but for men. I couldn't get upset about a performance like that, a private lap dance would be worse IMO.

I've seen strippers at hen do's so I couldn't get hugely upset about this. I wouldn't be with someone who wanted to go regularly but as a one off in their 20's at a stag do I'd let it go.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 10:52

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 10:48

@fromdownwest , a wedding day is supposed to be the best day of your life. If I had been OP, I'd be sitting there feeling like I'd been punched in the stomach.
The trousers down would have been a dealbreaker for me, and I wouldn't be able to get past it, so why hang about.

Exactly. That's why I find it absolutely horrendous that it's taken as standard that wedding speeches will be full of references to all of the grooms former sexual and romantic exploits, and basically deliberately seek out anything that could make the bride and groom uncomfortable. It's an awful tradition, and to reveal something like this that the bride didn't even know is just another level.

shrimp88 · 08/03/2023 10:52

The fact that it was on stage and there were other people including men in the “performance” vs. a private performance would make me feel less annoyed. I would still be pissed off that he kept the picture though and really angry with the person who organised the so-called stag event. Is the best man single by any chance?. It's not something I would split up over though.

Guis23 · 08/03/2023 10:53

Leave it on the pillow of his side of the bed. One option.
I agree with other posters that you will be all over the place after having a baby only 8 weeks ago.
Don't make big decisions about anything.
Or you could remove it. So he will know it has gone.
You could wave it under his nose when he gets in and explain how upset you are. Devastated.

Strip clubs are horrible places. Sleazy. But he will assume you knew and knows what happens at such places.

I agree with another poster his best man was appalling. Crass.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 10:53

Men can be right twats sometimes".

Nothing like a good dose of minimising, generalising and infantilising men so they're not responsible for their actions.

Just hang in there with the dickheads and bastards, sure there's nothing better out there, eh.

I also find the type of guy who died this would hit the fkg roof if his wife did the equivalent.

Truckinghell · 08/03/2023 10:53

I would also question whether the people telling you to leave him without a second thought have ever left their husbands whilst having a newborn.

I did, and I would not recommend someone else do it for stag do based idiocy.

Choconut · 08/03/2023 10:54

Agree that the best man is a nasty asshole and I wouldn't be impressed if DH didn't feel the same about him after the wedding. Very immature behaviour and DH has a family now and needs to grow up (and hopefully away from people like that.)

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 10:54

*who does this

Guis23 · 08/03/2023 10:54

Truckinghell · 08/03/2023 10:53

I would also question whether the people telling you to leave him without a second thought have ever left their husbands whilst having a newborn.

I did, and I would not recommend someone else do it for stag do based idiocy.

Indeed.

Movinghouseatlast · 08/03/2023 10:57

The most shocking part of this is actually the best man revealing this in his speech. It's the absolute ultimate in 'keep the little lady down'. You had no choice but to sit there and accept it.

What did your husband say to you at the wedding? What did he think of his best man's behaviour? The answers to those questions tell you who your husband is.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 10:57

Guis23 · 08/03/2023 10:54

Indeed.

Show quote history

It's not just stag do idiocy though is it.

First of all, it's not "idiocy".

Second, it's against a backdrop of disrespectful, cavalier, shitty behaviour.

As I said, our mates reflect us.

And no, she doesn't have to leave with a newborn ..... But she might want to make sure she doesn't reproduce again with this specimen and leaves herself in as good a position to leave if and when she chooses to.

He's a wanker, possibly a bastard. May e she wants better than to hitch her wagon to a wanker and bastard for life.

Igniteyourbones · 08/03/2023 10:57

Am I the only one who wouldn’t be at all bothered to find out my husband went to a strip club and had a private dance on his stag do? My husband has been on many stag dos and has told me all sort of antics and we’ve laughed about it together. I thought it was pretty standard for a stag do! I’ve been to parties with a Butler in the Buff and I’ve been with friends to see male strippers on stage. No touching takes place, it’s all good harmless fun with a group of friends.

Truckinghell · 08/03/2023 10:58

@TicketBoo23 I disagree with your assessment but I can see you feel it quite strongly, as is your right.

butterpuffed · 08/03/2023 11:00

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:12

You don't have the right to tell another person if they're 'over reacting' @WilsonMilson . Walk a mile in their shoes before you even begin to think about saying such a thing!

By your reasoning , nobody would be allowed to vote their opinions on AIBU .

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 11:00

Igniteyourbones · 08/03/2023 10:57

Am I the only one who wouldn’t be at all bothered to find out my husband went to a strip club and had a private dance on his stag do? My husband has been on many stag dos and has told me all sort of antics and we’ve laughed about it together. I thought it was pretty standard for a stag do! I’ve been to parties with a Butler in the Buff and I’ve been with friends to see male strippers on stage. No touching takes place, it’s all good harmless fun with a group of friends.

Touching/contact takes place at some venues.

And some venues cross over yo brothels, even in the UK

Had this from the horse's mouth.