Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

[Quandary45]

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

Wank Bank presumably. Gross.

I'd rip it into several pieces, preferably decapitating him, and put it back in the drawer but I'm petty like that.

Probably better course of action would be for OP to talk to him and tell (not ask) him to get rid of it himself. And reconfirm her boundaries around this clearly to him.

Op, stay with shit like this and you'll likely be back on here with something else in a while.

He sounds very very arrogant and cavalier about your relationship.

If you don't leave, go and get the "dance" off a male stripper that you didn't on your hen do, get a photo and leave it in shared drawer. Men don't like this shit back. It's only ok when they're doing it.

The photo makes it real doesn’t it, the scenario he painted for you doesn’t match up with the proof of what really happened. and the proof is there in that photo.
You didn’t know about the strip club until the best man told the whole wedding party..what a wanker. I bet that went down like a lead balloon.
He’s no doubt come up with a sanitised version of what happened.
But the photo belies that version.
You need to have a frank conversation with him and go from there.

Opinionated (gasp!) feminist here. In 2023, on a women's board. What an outrage.

I think it depends on your core values and how important it is to you that the man you shag and parent with has values that align with yours.

Personally I'd have annulled the marriage/ divorced after the best man speech. That's because I don't want to parent with a man who sees women as a purchasable commodity. I wonder if he'll support your DD to work in a lap dancing club to help pay towards uni? If not, I'd love to understand his thinking? I probably don't want to shag that man either. It's not about him seeing naked women (this should be obvious but apparently not) virtually naked women are everywhere across social media , adverts, TV etc. as well as porn. It's about the fact he finds the power imbalance of purchasing sex arousing. I find any kind of power imbalance in relationships a huge turn off. Experience has taught me that men who see women as fully human like themselves tend to be a better fuck too.

It's ok if your core values are different from mine and you think visiting lap dancing clubs is ok. You can probably get through this if that's the case.

What's not ok is it you have feelings of discomfort that you are squashing down in order to comply with various narratives that are not your own. Women are socialised to put up and shut up so it can be hard to allow yourself to own your own feelings. I think you need to take your time to consider your own values before you think about whether you can continue to raise a family with and shag this man. Do you want him to have as much influence in your DD's life as you? If your values don't align, it may be really difficult to want to shag this man long term. The ick is a real phenomenon. And no woman should be having sex she doesn't want.

It’s the sort of laddish behaviour many young men engage in on stag dos. Not nice, but really, if he is a loving husband and caring dad that’s what’s most important now. Scrap the photo then get on with being a happy little family, don’t let one stupid indiscretion destroy your happiness.

Yes those pesky double standards that are always present. Ffs. I would not go to any woman I knows hen party if it involved male (or female) strippers or anything similar.

If I had no idea until I was at the door of the place I would opt out there and then. I would offer to go elsewhere until they had finished and meet again after or just end my night then. But I wont be part of the problem.

I have done this already and I'm happy to do so again. Although im way more likely to ask before I accept an invite these days.

I know my DP wouldnt go to a strip club, and he too would opt out. Because I've discussed it with him. If I found out after all that he had been to one I would end our relationship. You cannot treat women like this and it won't spill over to the rest of your life.

I mean if it was on stage I’m not sure he’d really have gotten off on it much!!

What matters here is HER opinion, not the "opinionated feminist posters" (you sound like an Incel by the way). Some women would be OK with this behaviour some not so and that's totally fine, obviously the OP is not ok with this behaviour otherwise she wouldn't be posting, either her husband is clueless regarding what bothers her or has total disregard of her feelings by keeping that picture in their drawer. I would try to have a chat with him and figure out which one it is.

This.

And he cared so little about op's feelings on her wedding day ... Which his best man made sure was tainted by referring to his sexual stag do antics ..... That he didn't even get rid of the photo, but left it somewhere she could find.

He doesn't give a fuck.

I would not be giving this man any further privelegen of reproduction.

Apparently the vast minority of men in the past got to reproduce ..... Maybe we should return to that.

Yeah I recognise quitelikeiits username .... And not for good reasons.

OP, I’d be fucking raging if I was you. I actually can’t advise on this situation as this is a deal breaker for me but, with a new born you are at the most vulnerable you can be (I felt like I was anyway) so suggest you don’t end the marriage now.

Some serious conversations are needed and personally, I’d want to hurt DH as much as he’s hurt you but again, I don’t think this is really the best course of action. OP, unless he’s fully contrite and swears this won’t ever happen again I would not be able to look at him again.

Also it's not "feminist" to feel angered and sad and sympathetic at a woman being treated like this.

MN isn't a single entity. There are many differing opinions on - well, everything. That's kind of the point of a forum.

There aren't any other issues in our marriage. He's loving and a really good dad. Everything is 50/50 in our house. I genuinely got over the dance and had forgotten about it until seeing the photo.

Hold on to this.

I would destroy the photo now. Remember it was on stage in front of loads of people. The 'best' man sounds like a real dick - pretty lame idea for stag do entertainment and to bring it up at the speech - really, really shitty.

Don't feel bad about feeling devastated, lean into it and work out why. Maybe because he wasn't straight-up with you around your wedding, which led to you being the target of a cruel revelation while the spotlight was on you? It's okay for that to feel bad now even though you thought you'd put it to rest at the time. Could you maybe talk to him about why you feel the way you do, and use it as the base for a general discussion/agreement about boundaries, sex/monogamy and what being a caring partner means to each of you?

Communication is really tough, but sorting this kind of thing out between you will be helpful in the long-run, in terms of self-knowledge if nothing else.

Having said that, I'm more concerned about you being stuck along with an 8-week old. I was as hormonal as all hell, but it doesn't mean your feelings aren't genuine, just that they may be more vivid than usual. Hope you can find some time for rest @Quandary45

Well said @Treehappy - funny isn't it, how feminists are described as "opinionated" as if it's a BAD thing to be? Inference - get back in the kitchen/bedroom and shut up.
See also: strident, bossy, demanding, shrill, hysterical.
Never applied to a man's opinion or voice. Wonder why

He's loving

He's not loving .... He did something he knew you weren't okay with on his stag do, then he let his friend ruin your wedding day telling everyone about it, then he threw the evidence of doing it in a drawer where you might find it.

Also the bar for being a good Dad is so incredibly low in our society, I'll keep reservations about that.

Some of the comments on here are outrageous. I can't tell whether they're trolls or divorce lawyers who are having a quiet week. Sure he's a loving partner and attentive father, but you found an old photo of an incident you were already aware of, so break up your young family immediately! OP, I'd also be seriously gutted if I found that photo, especially at the young baby stage. Unfortunately these things do happen on stag dos, gross as they are, but as others have said, when you're the stag the whole experience is designed for maximum humiliation in front of a large audience rather than being in any way titilating. Your DH's response sounds right in the circumstances. By all means punish him, and try to bleach this image from your brain, but don't adopt a scorched earth policy, when he hasn't done anything new wrong apart from really unfortunate carelessness.

@Truckinghell . If this is aimed at me, I didn't tell her to leave him. I suggested she found out where she stood legally and financially.

he hasn't done anything new wrong apart from really unfortunate carelessness.

Your bar is so low fleas couldn't limbo dance under it.

This would be a deal breaker for me for a few reasons ? One because I considere it cheating , sorry trousers down is nit just a normal lap dance . And because I find the use of strip coins absolutely yucky .

I would destroy the photo now

Unfortunately destroying the photo won't change her husband or his chosen best mate.

Your feelings are valid and we all have a line that we don’t want our partners to cross.

I would have no issue with him going to the strip club initially or keeping the photo.
I have a photo of me at a well known male strip club somewhere from my friends hen do.

I would wonder why he’s kept it in this particular drawer and this would bug me a bit as it’s likely he thought you wouldn’t go through it if it’s his own drawer.

I’ve not RTFT but I’m sure there are many posters telling you to LTB but this is your choice.

And although I wouldn’t have an issue with it personally, if I was you I would explain that keeping the photo upsets you and explain why and then if he throws it out then draw a line and move on but if he chooses to keep it even though he knows it upsets you then you can decide whether to end the relationship over it.

At the end of the day it’s a funny photo from when he had a fun experience with his mates.
I don’t think this is enough to end a relationship over.

What would worry me more here is that he kept it and put it in his drawer. He didn't just throw it straight out, he kept it and put it somewhere he could look at it during the day and he did that recently. There was nothing to stop him shredding it if he 'just found it', but he didn't.

@KirstenBlest it wasn't aimed at anyone particularly.