Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
Starpop · 08/03/2023 10:06

Aw op you have an 8 week old your hormones will be whack right now never mind the sleep deprivation etc and how you feel about your body, so this will be a million times worse than if you'd found it before you were pregnant.

i don't think men really understand the enormity of how pregnancy and birth impacts us!

I too would be devastated to find such a photo, it's shit really shit! Is he a good husband? Dad? Is he loving? Supportive?

I would give him the photo and ask him to get rid of it, I'd tell him you had gotten over his stag do but to see photographic evidence has brought it all back and really hurt you. Then leave it at that. If he apologises and gets rid of the photograph then I'd feel I could move on after a while of licking my wounds. If he gets defensive and causes and argument then you might need to work through some issues.

it's easy for people to say leave him, it's a deal breaker etc but with an 8 week old it's not that easy to do!

your feelings are valid!

FoxFeatures · 08/03/2023 10:06

I'd email it to all his family with a request to house the H due to a divorce.

percypercypercy · 08/03/2023 10:06

I would never have got past the fact that he never told me. Lying is a huge no. I got rid of my first husband for lying over something trivial.

WilsonMilson · 08/03/2023 10:09

Honestly, get a grip. It was his stag do. I’m not condoning it, but this happens to loads of men - my ex, who was a quiet and respectable chap, was taken to a strip club by his friends and had his arse cheeks waxed by a stripper - a bit weird but all good fun apparently.
Not ideal, but it wasn’t like he made a habit of it, and he immediately and embarrassedly told me. Was the only time he was ever in a strip club.

I think you need to judge this in the context of your relationship over all. Is this a habit for him? Any other red flags? If not, just put this down to stag night shenanigans and get over it. I think you’re really over reacting.

Zaliea · 08/03/2023 10:11

Agree with PP, if I was going to stay, I'd bin the photo without telling him.

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:12

You don't have the right to tell another person if they're 'over reacting' @WilsonMilson . Walk a mile in their shoes before you even begin to think about saying such a thing!

Emptycrackedcup · 08/03/2023 10:12

Given you both use the drawers, any chance he left that on there on purpose for you to find? Surely no manh is this dumb?

carriedout · 08/03/2023 10:13

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:55

@TheVanguardSix Keeping the photo has bothered me more than everything.

I don't like that he went or had a dance, but easy to blame the stags who booked it all for a "surprise". The fact that he's held onto it for two years has done me in. There's also no way he put it in a drawer and forgot it - he's currently WFH (not today) from the desk I bought to do so. I'm only not using it due to mat leave, but it still has all my stuff. So he only put it in there recently. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

Oh god, this is really quite awful.

Really sorry Flowers

I would not have been able to get past it in the first place. You are allowed to rethink your original decision.

How shaming to have found out in the best man's speech on your wedding day Angry

carriedout · 08/03/2023 10:15

WilsonMilson · 08/03/2023 10:09

Honestly, get a grip. It was his stag do. I’m not condoning it, but this happens to loads of men - my ex, who was a quiet and respectable chap, was taken to a strip club by his friends and had his arse cheeks waxed by a stripper - a bit weird but all good fun apparently.
Not ideal, but it wasn’t like he made a habit of it, and he immediately and embarrassedly told me. Was the only time he was ever in a strip club.

I think you need to judge this in the context of your relationship over all. Is this a habit for him? Any other red flags? If not, just put this down to stag night shenanigans and get over it. I think you’re really over reacting.

Not cool at all to tell other women to 'get a grip' in this dismissive way about something clearly important to them.

HeadNorth · 08/03/2023 10:16

I am so sorry. I can see you were put on the spot when the best man raised it and kind of made yourself get over it. By why should you have to get over it? I do think that your marriage is probably doomed, longer term, so make sure you keep the photo as evidence for when you inevitably have to consult a lawyer. You have an 8 week old baby, so it is tough, but in the end clinging on will damage you more, I think. I could certainly never recover my feelings for a man after such a betrayal.

GiltEdges · 08/03/2023 10:17

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 09:39

Get your ducks in a row and seek legal advice. You've got the 'ick'.

Bit of an overreaction if there are otherwise no issues in the marriage, with an 8 week old baby which OP clearly went on to conceive after finding out about the strip club on her wedding day Confused

percypercypercy · 08/03/2023 10:20

@GiltEdges

Bit of an overreaction if there are otherwise no issues in the marriage, with an 8 week old baby which OP clearly went on to conceive after finding out about the strip club on her wedding day

Lying is the biggest 'issue' you could possibly have in a marriage.

fromdownwest · 08/03/2023 10:22

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 09:39

Get your ducks in a row and seek legal advice. You've got the 'ick'.

Wow - Even by MN standards, straight to divorce was very quick!

WilsonMilson · 08/03/2023 10:22

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:12

You don't have the right to tell another person if they're 'over reacting' @WilsonMilson . Walk a mile in their shoes before you even begin to think about saying such a thing!

People come here for advice and opinion, and yet I’m not allowed to offer my opinion and advice? As for walking a mile in their shoes, the idea is that you ask people who come from all different walks of life for their opinion, but apparently only some opinions are allowed. Ok then.

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:23

Not what I stated @WilsonMilson . Read again please.

Chersfrozenface · 08/03/2023 10:23

OP, that's him, that's what he's like. that's his attitude to women. He's kept the photo because he enjoyed it and wants to remember the experience.

It's what his friends are like, too - they organised the "private dance", the best man mentioned on your wedding day without even thinking it inappropriate. So they reinforce each other's attitudes.

That's who you're married to. How do you come to terms with that?

When your daughter grows up, I'm presuming he'll be cool with men having the same attitude to her.

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:25

Is it likely he kept the picture because he thinks he looks particularly handsome in it? Just trying to think out of the box because it does seem like he's keeping it as a memento for some reason.

Squamata · 08/03/2023 10:26

I'd frame it and put it on the mantelpiece. If he doesn't want people to see, he should explain why.

Original poster
Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 10:26

There aren't any other issues in our marriage. He's loving and a really good dad. Everything is 50/50 in our house. I genuinely got over the dance and had forgotten about it until seeing the photo.

I called him up as I couldn't stew all day, and he was horrified. Said he had found it in a random box looking for something else (we moved before Christmas) and meant to chuck it immediately but was lazy and stuffed it out of the way before I could see and then forgot it was there. He's told me to bin it myself and said sorry. The dance wasn't actually private - he was on stage and there were a couple of other men chosen to be part of the "performance".

I do feel like he should never have kept it so we'll talk more about that later.

OP posts:
Moanycowbag · 08/03/2023 10:27

WilsonMilson · 08/03/2023 10:09

Honestly, get a grip. It was his stag do. I’m not condoning it, but this happens to loads of men - my ex, who was a quiet and respectable chap, was taken to a strip club by his friends and had his arse cheeks waxed by a stripper - a bit weird but all good fun apparently.
Not ideal, but it wasn’t like he made a habit of it, and he immediately and embarrassedly told me. Was the only time he was ever in a strip club.

I think you need to judge this in the context of your relationship over all. Is this a habit for him? Any other red flags? If not, just put this down to stag night shenanigans and get over it. I think you’re really over reacting.

Difference is your husband told you it happened, and I presume didn't keep a picture as a memento that he has recently relocated to your desk drawer, so. you. really cannot compare your experience to the OP's

WilsonMilson · 08/03/2023 10:27

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:23

Not what I stated @WilsonMilson . Read again please.

It was actually exactly what you stated. You said I shouldn’t judge how someone should react unless I’m in their shoes, so what are we all here for? Surely giving my opinion on how she is reacting is exactly what the op is asking for. You may not agree with me, and that’s absolutely fine, but I’m entitled to have, and offer, my thoughts.

Squamata · 08/03/2023 10:28

I think if this was me, I'd want to know more about his attitude to it. Was it something his friends organised, he was already pissed and went along with? Or did he agree in advance and engage with it wholeheartedly?

It would actually take quite a lot of balls to refuse if your friends had organised a strip club visit on a stag, you'd be souring the atmosphere and looking a bit ungrateful for what they'd organised.

Overall I don't think I'd be that fussed unless he was going to make a habit of it.

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:29

Not going to respond to this sub thread any further than to say this @WilsonMilson . Read again - closely - exactly what I stated.

Adifferentheadspace · 08/03/2023 10:29

God, how revolting - I can’t believe that so many people on here are making excuses for him. Going to a strip club is bad enough but finding a photo of him with his trousers down?! I’m sorry but that would be the end for me. He clearly doesn’t respect you or his marriage.

thedancingbear · 08/03/2023 10:30

He's a pig. Divorce him.