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Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
coffeeisthebest · 08/03/2023 10:30

pinkyredrose · 08/03/2023 09:58

Maybe he wanted you to find it?

Maybe he didn't want to hide it from you and didn't know how to bring it up. It's here now so talk it through with him and see what happens.

MoroccanRoseHChurch · 08/03/2023 10:31

FoxFeatures · 08/03/2023 10:06

I'd email it to all his family with a request to house the H due to a divorce.

🤣🤣🤣

Whyyes · 08/03/2023 10:31

I wouldn't let a half naked man in a thong sit on my lap nor would I keep a photo of it. I'd see it as cheating. If my husband did this with a woman, I'd also see it as cheating. So because it's in a stag do it's okay? Gross. Women need to stop enabling this behavior in men. Monogamy is getting diluted more and more, and men seem to be going backwards in the respect they have for women.
I understand I may be in the minority who feels this way, but its a deal breaker for me and it's allowed to be a deal breaker for you too op. Don't let people make you feel you aren't allowed to be upset by this

Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill · 08/03/2023 10:33

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:55

@TheVanguardSix Keeping the photo has bothered me more than everything.

I don't like that he went or had a dance, but easy to blame the stags who booked it all for a "surprise". The fact that he's held onto it for two years has done me in. There's also no way he put it in a drawer and forgot it - he's currently WFH (not today) from the desk I bought to do so. I'm only not using it due to mat leave, but it still has all my stuff. So he only put it in there recently. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

Is it deffo the stag do pic? Cos if not that’s a WHOLE other issue

for me I wouldn’t be able to tolerate the idea of him using that picture as (probably) a wank bank memory. Wanking off to porn is something I can tolerate cos it’s porn but the lap dance picture is something that’s happened to him and he’s fantasising about. It’s to close to the bone for me

Starpop · 08/03/2023 10:33

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 10:26

There aren't any other issues in our marriage. He's loving and a really good dad. Everything is 50/50 in our house. I genuinely got over the dance and had forgotten about it until seeing the photo.

I called him up as I couldn't stew all day, and he was horrified. Said he had found it in a random box looking for something else (we moved before Christmas) and meant to chuck it immediately but was lazy and stuffed it out of the way before I could see and then forgot it was there. He's told me to bin it myself and said sorry. The dance wasn't actually private - he was on stage and there were a couple of other men chosen to be part of the "performance".

I do feel like he should never have kept it so we'll talk more about that later.

I think considering you say there are no other issues and his reaction I would be able to move on from this. Don't get me wrong I'd still be upset and feel crap for a while.

I wouldn't grill him about why he'd kept it, he's told you he was just lazy and shoved it in a drawer and told you to chuck it.

focus on how you feel about it when you see him in person, explain that you need some support, loving and caring for you to be able to get over the shock of seeing that photo

best of luck op!

Blueberrywitch · 08/03/2023 10:34

Meh… I wouldn’t be with someone who went to strip clubs as a regular thing but as a once off for a stag I don’t think this is divorcing territory.

Even though it is fairly seedy these days, I’ve been on nights out as a group with lap dances happening in my youth (back in the 00s when strip clubs were sort of trendy where I lived (yes mad looking back but this was the case!!)) I can assure you they’re not usually very sexually charged. The photo was probably a bit of a laugh, considering it’s on a postcard perhaps even a package deal that you get a post card and they make the stag pose like that for fun. And he probably just had it in his pocket from the night out and chucked it in a drawer.

countrypunk · 08/03/2023 10:36

Opinionated feminist here!

It baffles me that women who wouldn't tolerate this kind of thing when money ISN'T involved are completely fine with it when money IS involved. Why is that?

To me, the money aspect makes it even worse. A man has paid a semi naked woman to grind on him and induce an erection. To me it shows an abhorrent disrespect for all women - the ones doing the grinding and the ones at home holding the babies.

I think you should talk to him about it OP. Explain how it makes you feel. If he's truly a good man and loving partner, he will listen and acknowledge your feelings. If he reacts with anger or tries to minimise it, he's not as loving as you say he is.

Riverlee · 08/03/2023 10:36

Although he didn’t tell you everything that went on, he did tell you he went to the strip club. It seems to me that as far as he was concerned, it was a drunken stag night event, nothing more. Unfortunately, he got targeted to go on stage, so it was nothing personal.

If the marriage has been good, and there are no other trust issues, then then I think you should try and move on. His explanation about coming across the photo in the house move seems an honest explanation. (Although not sure why he kept the photo, unless he was given it and just stuffed in a box quickly out of the way).

Treehappy · 08/03/2023 10:37

Your H has shit friends. They are his friends because he’s into lad culture and all that brings too. His best man talking about that at your wedding shows absolutely no respect for you. You were just a prop for him to make an embarrassing remark about his mate.

It’s the company your H chooses to keep that should have you thinking hard about his character. This incident would seem to be more who he is than an aberration. And I’ve lived long enough to learn that ‘aberrations’ are rarely that.

Badger1970 · 08/03/2023 10:37

Glue it to your fridge door or put it in a photo frame out on display next time you have his family round.

May be childish but it'd make me feel better.

He needs to eat a giant dish of humble pie for keeping that photo. Grim.

peachescariad · 08/03/2023 10:38

So you only found out about the strip club on your wedding day?
Couple of red flags for me are:

Why didn't he tell you about strip club after his stag? then you could of discussed it together etc.

The fact he allowed/condoned/accepted best man to mention it in his speech - that's just degrading, disrespectful and humiliating. He should of said to best man not to bring it up on wedding day but then best man is a nob for including it in his speech.

He's kept the photo and he's lied.

I'd be thinking quite hard about my relationship and future boundaries, honesty and trust

Moveoverdarlin · 08/03/2023 10:38

Seek legal advice?? Is this a joke? Christ, it was a stag do. This wouldn’t bother me. Keeping the picture is a bit distasteful, chuck it out and forget about it. Don’t be ‘devastated’ about something which thousands of perfectly nice men do under pressure from mates on their stag dos. I’ve been to many a hen do with butlers in the buff or kissagrams. Imagine if a bloke sought legal advice because he saw a bride to be and all her hens having a laugh and rubbing baby oil in a butlers bum. You’d think he was a controlling monster.

Ourladycheesusedatum · 08/03/2023 10:39

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 10:26

There aren't any other issues in our marriage. He's loving and a really good dad. Everything is 50/50 in our house. I genuinely got over the dance and had forgotten about it until seeing the photo.

I called him up as I couldn't stew all day, and he was horrified. Said he had found it in a random box looking for something else (we moved before Christmas) and meant to chuck it immediately but was lazy and stuffed it out of the way before I could see and then forgot it was there. He's told me to bin it myself and said sorry. The dance wasn't actually private - he was on stage and there were a couple of other men chosen to be part of the "performance".

I do feel like he should never have kept it so we'll talk more about that later.

This is how he sees women, as disposable things he can have a private dance with, then forget. Will he be ok if you or your daughter did stripping and private dancing as a means to get by?
If not why not?
If yes then maybe you should think about what that means regarding his image of women.

I'm sort of shocked you found out about the strip club at your own wedding via the best man. I think you already know that's not a good look.

SchoolTripDrama · 08/03/2023 10:42

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:12

You don't have the right to tell another person if they're 'over reacting' @WilsonMilson . Walk a mile in their shoes before you even begin to think about saying such a thing!

OP has come on here asking for opinions! You have no right to police her thread!

ancientgran · 08/03/2023 10:42

I wouldn't particularly worry about a strip club on a stag night but trousers down with two naked women on top of him is another level and I wouldn't be having that.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 10:42

That he kept the photo as some sort of trophy bothers me as much as his lewd behaviour.

Exactly.

The poster who thinks he tossed it in a drawer a d forgot about it ..... Who does that with such an incriminating item; something with such potential for anger and upset from their spouse.

Op said he knew she was not on with lap dancing clubs in the first place.

If you stay, op, go to a male strip show, hije your mini dress up round your ass etc., get a personal "dance" and go for it,get a photo and throw it in a shared drawer/cupboard. See how he fkg likes it.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 10:42

I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant

JFC this gave me the rage, this is why I despise the culture of best man's speeches. Absolutely no regard for the wife in the name of "bants", it's awful.

I'd be livid OP, he'd have to do a lot to make up for it, if he even could.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 10:43

You could have done that on your hen do but clearly didn't.

Letstaketotheskies · 08/03/2023 10:43

He’s given permission to you to chuck it so I’d ceremoniously burn it. Watching it go up in flames would help me let go of the anger. Doesn’t mean you have to make any other decisions but I’d want to destroy it in a way where the image can never again be reconstructed.

KateAusten · 08/03/2023 10:43

But MN is okay with strippers at a hen do

Zaliea · 08/03/2023 10:44

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 10:43

You could have done that on your hen do but clearly didn't.

Maybe because she views it as not right in a relationship?

Treehappy · 08/03/2023 10:45

Quitelikeit · 08/03/2023 09:53

Be warned there are some very very opinionated feminists on this board who will have a strong opinion on this scenario but you should not see that as a fact it is only their opinion

Opinionated feminists?

I have never heard anyone say, ‘opinionated environmentalists’ or ‘opinionated anti-torture campaigners’ or ‘opinionated anti-poverty campaigners’

The fact that you speak like that about women with opinions that they not only hold, but also express says a lot about how you have absorbed really cultural shit attitudes about women having and holding their own views about stuff.

NewCarOldCar · 08/03/2023 10:45

Wonder how he would feel if in 18 years time one of those women was DD and she was doing that to a man? Those women are somebody's daughter/sister/cousin etc.

Men like your H are vile to encourage this horrible stuff.

Revolting.

FrostyFifi · 08/03/2023 10:45

Why the fuck is this whole strip club stag do even a thing? What a way to cause hurt and put a dampener on the start of a marriage.

Zaliea · 08/03/2023 10:45

Misread, missed your prior post