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Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
Mayflier · 09/03/2023 18:48

It was a naff souvenir postcard and he had his boxers on - I’m sure he has access to the internet and therefore an unlimited amount of porn if he needs wank inspiration. I would be more concerned he didn’t want to bin it as he was hanging onto an attachment to pre husband/father ‘lad fun’ like it’s a loss to be where he is now with OP and DD… but he’s behaved like an adult and someone who cares - he’s not tried to gaslight the OP or minimise her feelings etc. It’s completely understandable and sensible that the OP feels ready to move on after having had a serious conversation, voicing the feelings she had quashed during the wedding speech, and feeling heard by her husband.

Moser85 · 09/03/2023 20:11

StrawberryAnnie · 08/03/2023 15:23

Although it might appear to be the same on the surface- male and female stripping aren’t really comparable.

Male strippers are not the same as women who work or are coerced to work in the sex industry.

As previous posters have said, these strip clubs are run by gangs and female strippers are often victims of trafficking and exploitation, they can be forced into prostitution etc.

It’s really not the same as a man wearing a novelty thong and having oil rubbed on his torso for a laugh.

Show quote history

Yeah I see them as completely different too.

Men get a sexual thrill from it. For me the equivalent would be the woman getting to go out and grind on a guy or something like that that she gets a kick out of.

Sandra1984 · 09/03/2023 22:40

Ourladycheesusedatum · 09/03/2023 10:13

When men go on stag do’s to Eastern Europe, do people think they are going for some sightseeing

Amazingly I think the women in eastern Europe are worth the same as women in the UK, Australia, China, wherever. Is stripping a job you would love to do? Would you be ok with your mother, daughter, sister doing it as a career?

Would you be ok with your daughter/sister having a creer as pub waitress, fruit picking, cleaner, garbage collector or fast food delivery? I guess you wouldn’t be happy either. And these jobs DO involve a lot of exploration and isome s-hit money, at least the stripper is making some decent $$$.

Sandra1984 · 09/03/2023 22:41

I meant “explotation”.

celerysticks · 09/03/2023 23:52

I'd bin OH if I found out he'd stepped foot in one, stag or not.

Grim.

maybeinanoter86 · 10/03/2023 05:51

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 21:46

Thanks again for all your messages.

We had a chat and he was really apologetic. Explained that the photo was part of the "experience" and he doesn't think of it as sexual at all - said it was humiliating and embarrassing. Essentially he was on stage with two other stags and they put ice cubes down his trousers and hit him with his belt. Doesn't sound very appealing, though I suppose some people enjoy that!

He also apologised again for not telling me before the wedding and how it all came out after I said I really wasn't happy with it again.

The photo was destroyed (by him) and binned.

I'm now choosing to move on from this and I believe it won't happen again.

He also brought me and DD a gift each home, and he's taken her for cuddles to give me a break.

And this is why he will walk all over you again because if he buys you a gift and takes your dd for cuddles as a sorry I have been caught out all is forgiven . These are things that he should be doing anyways .

My ex was like this , if he did anything wrong he would by me gifts , take our young child out so I could have peace or give me his bank card so I could buy what ever I wanted . Oh and guess what he done it again and again . I hope this is not the same for you op

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/03/2023 07:56

Oh well if he bought you a gift that's ok then

It's your life OP - good luck

No doubt his lovely best man will be back sooner or later to lead him astray, That won't be your DHs fault either. These boys eh!

I'd have kept that photo and put it on the fridge as a daily reminder that my husband is a cunt who does not respect me.

WinterfellsStarbucksConcession · 10/03/2023 10:40

The OP has had a discussion with her husband and decided to move on from this. Not sure how all the sanctimonious 'I would have walked out of the wedding' You really wouldn't would you and LTB are helping.
Stop projecting, you don't know him, his best man was definitely a c* but that doesn't mean that the marriage isn't basically sound.

fromdownwest · 10/03/2023 10:45

'I'd have kept that photo and put it on the fridge as a daily reminder that my husband is a cunt who does not respect me'

Wow, just wow

Stickyoffee · 10/03/2023 10:55

I wouldn't give it a second thought, I've been to see male stripper's too

Ohthebanality · 10/03/2023 11:02

He was probably fantasising about it on your wedding night. When having sex with you. He's probably had loads of wanks over it. Probably one of the most exciting things that has happened to him. That's why he kept the photo. Weird though, an actual printed photo and not saved on his phone. And you let the best man humiliate you on your wedding day.
I'm glad to be single and autistic because I cannot get my head around how this has become normal in our society, for two people who are supposedly in love and want to spend the rest of their lives together to behave like this??? In fact there is an industry and cities and towns profit from this. What the fuck.
Wake up people. Wake up to this shit behavior that you are accepting and tolerating.

Ohthebanality · 10/03/2023 11:02

It's vile.

Ohthebanality · 10/03/2023 11:05

Look at the bigger picture, this is just not one couple, this has become normal in our society, it is expected that men will do this when they are getting married. How much money is made from this from businesses. Why is this normal and why does no one question this.

mydogisthebest · 10/03/2023 11:33

Ohthebanality · 10/03/2023 11:05

Look at the bigger picture, this is just not one couple, this has become normal in our society, it is expected that men will do this when they are getting married. How much money is made from this from businesses. Why is this normal and why does no one question this.

It might be normal to some people but to many more it is not.

Polis · 10/03/2023 11:49

I don’t think it normal, but it does seem to have become more acceptable.

Polis · 10/03/2023 11:49

don’t it is* normal

Polis · 10/03/2023 11:50

I give up. Oh, for an “edit” facility.

Sunriseinwonderland · 10/03/2023 12:16

Best man speech at my wedding announcing this. Id have stood up, told everyone to go home, left and filed for divorce the next day.
Sounds over dramatic maybe but I don't want to with with men like that.

boobot1 · 10/03/2023 12:47

I don't get the pearl clutching, it was a stag do, it was on a stage, it was years ago, big friggin deal. These things are not sexy they're designed to be embarrassing.

Mayflier · 10/03/2023 12:53

These latter posts are just downright spiteful towards the OP. Needlessly nasty.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 10/03/2023 13:07

I do have an investment towards encouraging women in general - both OP and any women reading - to learn to listen to their own feelings and assert their own boundaries with men. This is because I believe that the female socialisation to ignore discomfort and prioritise the needs of others is regressive and damaging.

Yes. If OP is not ok with this, nobody should be telling her she's ridiculous to not be ok with this. If it's ok for YOU, it's fine to say so for YOU, but you can't extend your opinion to every other woman.

Original poster
Quandary45 · 10/03/2023 13:56

WinterfellsStarbucksConcession · 10/03/2023 10:40

The OP has had a discussion with her husband and decided to move on from this. Not sure how all the sanctimonious 'I would have walked out of the wedding' You really wouldn't would you and LTB are helping.
Stop projecting, you don't know him, his best man was definitely a c* but that doesn't mean that the marriage isn't basically sound.

Thank you @WinterfellsStarbucksConcession

The posts have got really weird. Not going to argue as everyone is entitled to their opinion, but as I've said I'm moving on from it. If I'm an idiot for believing his explanation and accepting his apology, then so be it.

OP posts:
WinterfellsStarbucksConcession · 10/03/2023 14:00

I would walk away from this thread if a were you Quandary and even have it deleted.
The posts have indeed got really weird, lots of women projecting and putting forward their own extreme ideology.

I wish you and your husband all the best for a long and happy marriage. Lots of couples have made it through much worse x

Original poster
Quandary45 · 10/03/2023 14:09

Thanks @WinterfellsStarbucksConcession, will do x

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 10/03/2023 14:10

It pisses me off so much when men turn out to be scumbags and then woman is stuck or afraid she’s ’breaking up’ a family, when it was the man all along.

Not sure why so many say BM is crap, the husband who went to ogle vulnerable women for cheap kick is the crap one.
At least op knew what she just got into, too bad she stayid and went to have a kid with a misogynystic dirtbag.