Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
Hellybelly84 · 10/03/2023 15:47

Quandary45 · 10/03/2023 13:56

Thank you @WinterfellsStarbucksConcession

The posts have got really weird. Not going to argue as everyone is entitled to their opinion, but as I've said I'm moving on from it. If I'm an idiot for believing his explanation and accepting his apology, then so be it.

Show quote history

Ignore the wierdo’s posting! All the best with your new baby and marriage.

Minor issue, Husband did what most do on stag do’s (whether they admit it to their wives or not) and as is the case with most stags, they are humiliated in front of others. But you’ve made your feelings clear for the future and dealt with it together maturely. I imagine theres alot of bitter single women on here if they cant deal with a small issue in a relationship in a grown up way.

Bookworm20 · 10/03/2023 15:49

Just want to wish you good luck with everything and I truly hope for your and your little babys sake that he is truly sorry for this.

You are a much stronger person than me. I absolutely would of walked out of the wedding if something like that was revealed. It would of crushed me. I also would not be able to let go of the fact that he kept the photo, instead of binning it the second he was presented with it. Then 'found' it again in a box of stuff and 'thought' about binning it but then forgot. He managed to muster the effort to stick it in a drawer though, which I find really really hard to understand, given the shitshow of his BM revealing all at your wedding and knowing how hurt you must of been. Surely if he'd stumbled across it he would of gone to every effort there and then to destroy it to save you the pain of seeing that. Its not something you can ever unsee.

I hope the gift he got you was significant and not just something he picked up from tesco on the way home as a pacifier. Something to try and start to prove to you that he is so so sorry for hurting you.

From your posts, you sound lovely. And dealing with this on top of an 8 week old must be an emotional rollercoaster. But I honestly can't understand him not kicking his BM straight out of that wedding and still being in touch with him after what he did to you on your wedding day. He basically publicly humiliated you in front of everyone. On purpose. And no doubt laughed about it.

If you can move on and everything else is great, then thats the best outcome for you. But don't put up with any further shit from his best man. Or any further shit from your DH defending his BM. And unfortunately you may want to be prepared for the next round of crap which may come to light off the back of this.

mydogisthebest · 10/03/2023 16:05

Hellybelly84 · 10/03/2023 15:47

Ignore the wierdo’s posting! All the best with your new baby and marriage.

Minor issue, Husband did what most do on stag do’s (whether they admit it to their wives or not) and as is the case with most stags, they are humiliated in front of others. But you’ve made your feelings clear for the future and dealt with it together maturely. I imagine theres alot of bitter single women on here if they cant deal with a small issue in a relationship in a grown up way.

Show quote history

If OP is fine with it that is all that matters but don't try and make out that (a) it is a minor issue because for lots it is not and (b) it's what most men do because it most certainly is not.

I don't know any man that has been humiliated on his stag night or would want or expect to be. What sort of men do you know?

Hellybelly84 · 10/03/2023 16:12

mydogisthebest · 10/03/2023 16:05

If OP is fine with it that is all that matters but don't try and make out that (a) it is a minor issue because for lots it is not and (b) it's what most men do because it most certainly is not.

I don't know any man that has been humiliated on his stag night or would want or expect to be. What sort of men do you know?

Show quote history

Really great ones, happily married for decades. You too?

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 10/03/2023 16:19

mydogisthebest · 10/03/2023 16:05

If OP is fine with it that is all that matters but don't try and make out that (a) it is a minor issue because for lots it is not and (b) it's what most men do because it most certainly is not.

I don't know any man that has been humiliated on his stag night or would want or expect to be. What sort of men do you know?

Show quote history

It absolutely is a minor issue. Largely a non-issue in fact for many. What happened here wasn't a private lapdance or anything he sought out. What happened here was fundamentally no different to a woman being pulled up on stage at a magic mike or chippendales kind of show. And I know more women that have been to one of these shows than not. The best man is the dickhead here. Yes, her DH should have told her what happened before the wedding to stop the best mans idiotic plan but thats hardly worth leaving him over and was dealt with at the time.

Hellybelly84 · 10/03/2023 16:23

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 10/03/2023 16:19

It absolutely is a minor issue. Largely a non-issue in fact for many. What happened here wasn't a private lapdance or anything he sought out. What happened here was fundamentally no different to a woman being pulled up on stage at a magic mike or chippendales kind of show. And I know more women that have been to one of these shows than not. The best man is the dickhead here. Yes, her DH should have told her what happened before the wedding to stop the best mans idiotic plan but thats hardly worth leaving him over and was dealt with at the time.

Show quote history

Exactly-I wonder how some of the people posting on here survive in a relationship if they cant sort out a very minor matter (non-issue as you say).

Mayflier · 10/03/2023 16:43

I don't know any man that has been humiliated on his stag night

Oh come on!!!

LesserBohemians · 10/03/2023 16:50

Hellybelly84 · 10/03/2023 16:23

Exactly-I wonder how some of the people posting on here survive in a relationship if they cant sort out a very minor matter (non-issue as you say).

Show quote history

Anyone who thinks this is any way equivalent to ‘a woman being pulled up on stage at a Magic Mike or Chippendales’ kind of show’ is really not taking account of the fact that the Chippendales, if they still exist, are a touring novelty act to which a tiny minority of women might go once in their lives, and which takes place in a theatre, where most of the women are sitting some distance from the stage, as at a play, even if an individual is pulled out of the audience. It seems vanishingly unlikely that the Chippendales contain trafficked individuals, or that attending a Chippendales show makes women think male consent can be purchased, or that objectifying men as sex objects there for female gratification is ok. No Chippendales are available for private dances at a fee, each member of the audience doesn’t have the option to buy a Chippendale to fake being attracted to her while grinding naked on her lap. Women do not routinely get taken to Chippendales shows on hen dos, or while away on business.

Hellybelly84 · 10/03/2023 17:00

Mayflier · 10/03/2023 16:43

I don't know any man that has been humiliated on his stag night

Oh come on!!!

There’s some funny people on here…

I literally dont know a single stag who hasn’t be made to wear something totally hideous and humiliating to their stag do (and thats the kindest part). Some people seem to have forgotten thats the point of most stag do’s.

mydogisthebest · 10/03/2023 17:23

Mayflier · 10/03/2023 16:43

I don't know any man that has been humiliated on his stag night

Oh come on!!!

Oh come on what? Stag nights are not meant to be about humiliation. What strange people are on here.

Men I know mainly have gone drinking. A couple have done some kind of activity such as paint balling

mydogisthebest · 10/03/2023 17:26

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 10/03/2023 16:19

It absolutely is a minor issue. Largely a non-issue in fact for many. What happened here wasn't a private lapdance or anything he sought out. What happened here was fundamentally no different to a woman being pulled up on stage at a magic mike or chippendales kind of show. And I know more women that have been to one of these shows than not. The best man is the dickhead here. Yes, her DH should have told her what happened before the wedding to stop the best mans idiotic plan but thats hardly worth leaving him over and was dealt with at the time.

Show quote history

It is NOT a minor issue for many people. It may be no different to a woman being pulled on stage but I don't really know any women who have been to a magic mike or chippendales show. My MIL used to go and asked me a few times but I don't do tacky

BishopRock · 10/03/2023 17:27

Zaliea · 08/03/2023 09:53

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag I would have divorced him straight away, I would never have got to finalising the wedding!

Same here, although it would possibly have been a quick anulment if it happened at the reception.

Strip clubs are way beyond my boundaries, so it would be the end the moment I found out.

If I didn't know and found that photo, it would also be the end. No way back from that for me.

mydogisthebest · 10/03/2023 17:28

Hellybelly84 · 10/03/2023 17:00

There’s some funny people on here…

I literally dont know a single stag who hasn’t be made to wear something totally hideous and humiliating to their stag do (and thats the kindest part). Some people seem to have forgotten thats the point of most stag do’s.

Show quote history

Yes there are some extremely strange and funny people on here but I am not one of them.

Not sure when a stag night was meant to mean humiliation. When I read stories of men being left naked tied to a lampost I just think how childish and pathetic.

mydogisthebest · 10/03/2023 17:31

Hellybelly84 · 10/03/2023 16:23

Exactly-I wonder how some of the people posting on here survive in a relationship if they cant sort out a very minor matter (non-issue as you say).

Show quote history

I have been married 43 years very happily and thankfully have never had to sort out a matter which involved my DH being a sleazeball and/or liar

Mayflier · 10/03/2023 17:33

You cannot participate in society and not know any men who have been humiliated on their stag do. The only relevance of you thinking ritual stag do humilation is childish and pathetic is that it partly explains why you think you don't know a single man who has engaged in it.

Nowthatlovehasperished · 10/03/2023 17:37

Groups of men and tribal and capable of the most appalling misogynistic behaviour.

Tell your DH that you found the photo and that it upset and disgusts you and that it is not okay and will not be forgiven or tolerated in the future.

Polis · 10/03/2023 18:22

Tell your DH that you found the photo and that it upset and disgusts you and that it is not okay and will not be forgiven or tolerated in the future.

The OP has moved on. Days ago!

Kidsfortea · 10/03/2023 18:57

Aussiegirl88 · 08/03/2023 19:18

It's Strippers, Not escorts!!!!

They are paid to do it, they have 0 interest im your man. Jesus that's like gping on to date someone and you find pictures of them and their ex years later on an old Facebook album, it's pathetic that so many women are insecure over strippers, naked women dancing! It was HIS Stag do ffs!

Seriously have a think about it, a long hard think. There's people here suggesting divorce over STRIPPERS on a bucks show! my mind is absolutely blown reading these comments No wonder wives are referred to as "ball and chain"

I've always used hated the idea of strip clubs. I once had to deliver food backstage at a strip show. The girls were all lovely and earned a fortune! I asked them about the blokes brought up on the stage.
They said to them it was just a job and as far as they were concerned it just made the men look stupid. One of them said she had bought herself and her parents a house. At that time they were earning £500 for an hours work..then went home to their families.
Still hate them tho Grin

AmeliaBee · 14/03/2023 13:31

Honey, there's only one aspect here you need to pay attention to, and that's the fact that HE LIED TO YOU ABOUT THIS. Then he KEPT the photo? Oh yeah, clearly he regretted his time there. 🙄No. If his story was true, he wouldn't have kept that photo. He's not sorry he did it, he's sorry he got caught.

If you stay with this man, you are telling him you will tolerate him disrespecting you, lying to you, and doing salacious things behind your back. If he really didn't want to go to the strip club, he wouldn't, end of story. I see some ridiculous women in here saying to forgive him because "wElL mAyBe He wAs PrEsSuReD". Oh okay, so then you're married to a weak, weak man who will do whatever stupid thing "the bros" want him to, up to and including cheating on you. That sounds SO much better.

AmeliaBee · 14/03/2023 13:35

Nowthatlovehasperished · 10/03/2023 17:37

Groups of men and tribal and capable of the most appalling misogynistic behaviour.

Tell your DH that you found the photo and that it upset and disgusts you and that it is not okay and will not be forgiven or tolerated in the future.

Even more appalling are the fact that so many women defend that misogyny. Just look at all the Pick Mes in here, saying it's ridiculous to get upset over being lied to and effectively cheated on. These women are why men continue to treat us like garbage.

AmeliaBee · 14/03/2023 13:37

bellswithwhistles · 08/03/2023 16:38

Thank christ there is one sensible person on this thread.

Show quote history

Did you get picked, sis?

letthemalldoone · 14/03/2023 15:36

maybeinanoter86 · 10/03/2023 05:51

And this is why he will walk all over you again because if he buys you a gift and takes your dd for cuddles as a sorry I have been caught out all is forgiven . These are things that he should be doing anyways .

My ex was like this , if he did anything wrong he would by me gifts , take our young child out so I could have peace or give me his bank card so I could buy what ever I wanted . Oh and guess what he done it again and again . I hope this is not the same for you op

Show quote history

With due respect, I presume the OP is not married to your ex.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.

letthemalldoone · 14/03/2023 15:44

Also, this -
"From your posts, you sound lovely. And dealing with this on top of an 8 week old must be an emotional rollercoaster."

Which is precisely why the matter needs to have a line drawn under it now. The poster does not need any further discussion of the topic - leave her alone to get on with things now.

I think threads like these should be closed rather than a free-for-all to rehash the same arguments when the matter is resolved.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page