DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW

[IDidNothingWrong]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies for the length.

About a year ago my DH had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.

6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.

On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.

My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.

How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?

To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than DH. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.

[BellePeppa]

@Dudum

"Both as morally bankrupt as the other and how dare she be ‘happy with him’ continuing to work on the family home"

Stop fuelling the blame onto the OW. The husband is to blame, she won't be "happy" with him going to the family home at all. He's made this all up cause he's a lying wanker who will say anything if it makes his life even slightly easier.

Again this is not necessarily true and what the husband and OW think or regret or any of that should be totally irrelevant in OP getting her life back on the right path. My ex’s gf (now wife) had no issues with him coming to the house to see the kids and staying for a visit for a few days (they weren’t local). It’s very important for the OP that she doesn’t waste her head space with made up scenarios about what they’re doing or thinking or feeling - her focus should stay on herself and her children.

[user1471538283]

I echo the advice about capital rather than maintenance.

He's saying he will provide more maintenance and work on the house now because of guilt and because reality hasnt hit him yet.

Once he's got his own suitable place to run, the DCs half the week or each weekend, presents and holidays for the OW to buy he will argue the toss about maintenance.

And you don't know what he's told her. He will be willing to do up the house to sell it. Then he's off.

He will not be expecting you to be strong. I bet he think if him and OW do not work out he can come back.

He is not your friend. I would be suspicious of anything he says and does.

[Fraaahnces]

Also, do not trust the in-laws either. They are firmly on his side no matter what impression they give you. Stay very tight lipped around them. Say nothing. Admit nothing. Give them nothing to tel him about any legal plans.

[Shimmyshimmycocobop]

@Ohyouareawful

I feel like we should have a flying squad of MNers who arrive in situations like this and do everything necessary to protect the OP (bagging his stuff up, providing strong alcohol, one woman who is solicitor and another a martial arts expert, while a handywoman changes all the locks and an accountant starts organizing finances and documents asap). The utter lack of decency and empathy to let your wife think you are reconciling, while having sex with her and schmoozing her, lulling her into thinking you are trustworthy when really you are an utter prick and a wanker. What an absolute dickhead. 🤬🤬🤬🤬

We really should 😆 I would sign up for it having been in this situation, it was MN (and my mum) who got me through it.

My ex expected to continue to play happy families as well, with me picking him up from the airport when he decided to visit and let him stay in the house...yeah right. The nerve of these men.

You will get through this op although you will feel that you never will for quite a while. Get a good lawyer and an financial agreement while he's feeling some guilt as that doesn't last either.

[WirKindervomBahnhofZoo]

[AllOfThemWitches]

Why does he get to just swan off to a festival with no discussion. Has he forgotten he has kids? Delusional twat.

[Dudum]

"Make him take the kids every weekend Friday -Sunday night.
This gives you time to regain your energy, to rest, to think, to scheme, to strategise with lawyer and friends.

Let him work mon-Fri and let him be full time dad fri - sunday evening. Throw a spanner in the works of his fantasy lovelife with the OW."

Oh yeah, use the kids as the "spanner" 🙄

Why do people get so drawn into playing games that they think it's ok to do this? And sacrifice every weekend with their children just to try and get their "revenge"

[BellePeppa]

@Dudum

"Make him take the kids every weekend Friday -Sunday night.
This gives you time to regain your energy, to rest, to think, to scheme, to strategise with lawyer and friends.

Let him work mon-Fri and let him be full time dad fri - sunday evening. Throw a spanner in the works of his fantasy lovelife with the OW."

Oh yeah, use the kids as the "spanner" 🙄

Why do people get so drawn into playing games that they think it's ok to do this? And sacrifice every weekend with their children just to try and get their "revenge"

You see it a lot on MN. The last thing I’d be thinking is how I can weaponise my children to teach my ex a lesson but it’s very popular on MN.

[katmarie]

What an utter shit he is OP. He's thrown a grenade into the middle of your family and fucked off to let you deal with the consequences and care for your children. These are the actions of a heartless asshole who is only thinking with one appendage. Fuck him.


I know you're struggling and probably sad and bewildered more than angry right now, and I can't imagine how much you are hurting. Your feelings are your feelings. They are right for you now in this situation, and how others might feel in the same position doesn't really matter. If you need more time off work, talk to your boss, sounds like they are fairly decent about giving you time. Or, speak to your doctor and ask for a fit note for a few days if you need it. Take your time, talk to people who love you. Don't hide his behaviour at the expense of getting support for you. Make your next steps when you are ready, and don't be rushed, especially by him. Good luck op.

[Crazypaving22]

@Dudum

"Both as morally bankrupt as the other and how dare she be ‘happy with him’ continuing to work on the family home"

Stop fuelling the blame onto the OW. The husband is to blame, she won't be "happy" with him going to the family home at all. He's made this all up cause he's a lying wanker who will say anything if it makes his life even slightly easier.

From my OWN experience and that of friends this is exactly what OW have a tendency to do to ensure they win their prize, when the poor sausage is wobbling about leaving so please lay off commenting on what I feel and support the OP.

I don’t have any time for OW who knowingly take a woman’s right to informed sexual consent and their personal agency.

Kindly lay off making digs at other people trying to support OP and focus on her. Whether you agree or not, it is not the place for it.

[Babooshka1990]

What a pathetic sad little man he is, it sounds like he has no idea what he wants or what his responsibilities are and has humbled along. No care at all for your feelings or DCs!

You will be happier without him once you’ve a plan in place. Put your business hat on and get to a good solicitor ASAP

[Crazypaving22]

@IDidNothingWrong I am thinking of you today, and hoping you’re ok. I know the trauma well.

Rarely do these threads keep going and people get ongoing support. If you’re looking for ongoing support I’m going to repeat that the Surviving Infidelity website is amazing. Their just found out and divorce and separation forums are wondeful with really experienced regulars. It’s very well moderated and the stories there will help you. Knowledge is power.

💐

[Babooshka1990]

@Crazypaving22 you're tight the OW play a game, they set their eye on the prize and of course share some blame!

[IDidNothingWrong]

@ZoZoisresting We had a rough patch about 10 years ago, turns out I had post natal depression and once diagnosed and treated we were back where we were.

I knew something wasn’t right before the physical affair but when I asked him he said everything was fine and I was just seeing things. It of course later transpired that he was already having an emotional affair with the OW which makes perfect sense when you look back.

I don’t know why his head was turned. I supported him in every step of what was a very stressful year which impacted on both of us. I do know they have hobbies in common and that she said she felt safe/relaxed around him as he was the only one who didn’t try it on with her. They work in a very male dominated environment.

I don’t want to make the situation any worse than it already is. I know some of that is because, like a fool, a part of me is still desperately clinging to the hope the man I love is still in there and will come to his senses. My head knows he’s a cruel selfish man, my heart just can’t seem to catch up.

[IDidNothingWrong]

Morning. Managed to get some sleep though still waking in the early hours.
Im worried about rocking the boat, at the moment he’s saying he wants to support but even I pointed out to him that won’t last. I want to protect myself and children without making an already awful situation any harder. I have started looking at solicitor’s, even if it’s just to formalise the maintenance payments.
The thought of divorce terrifies me. It makes the whole thing real. I will lose a huge part of who I am and half of my (his) family. My family adore him and whilst I know that will change it’s still going to be difficult to tell them.

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

There is no going back now though. The worst part for me reading this is he made out you were in a better place and all is well to just rip the rug out beneath you once his plans with OW were sorted.
You cannot trust anything he says to you.

[Coffeepot72]

I said up-thread that something similar happened to me - it’s worth noting that once the wife has been dumped, leaving the man and OW now officially together, that the gloss wears off pretty quickly. The situation loses something once it’s no longer forbidden fruit

[ZoZoisresting]

@IDidNothingWrong

OP what he did is shitty but he may well support you. You can’t just read a bunch of bitter posters on here and take their word as gospel that he will go back on his word about supporting the kids etc

Remember most divorces don’t go to court and are able to be agreed upon. There are better odds he actual will give support than not despite what posters here are telling you. I’m just saying this because you making things uglier could make things far worse in terms of settlement and support than they otherwise would be.

[Saschka]

@ZoZoisresting

@IDidNothingWrong

OP what he did is shitty but he may well support you. You can’t just read a bunch of bitter posters on here and take their word as gospel that he will go back on his word about supporting the kids etc

Remember most divorces don’t go to court and are able to be agreed upon. There are better odds he actual will give support than not despite what posters here are telling you. I’m just saying this because you making things uglier could make things far worse in terms of settlement and support than they otherwise would be.

I hope he does support her, but given his history of deception she’d be foolish to rely on what he is saying now at a time when he is trying to mollify her. Hope for the best but plan for the worst.

[yellowbananasinjuly]

Oh love I am so so sorry. The pain is something so overwhelming it feels like you will never stand up straight again let alone recover from it, but you will and you can. Excellent advice on here, my favourite tip being the dry comment that things went downhill very fast once the PP had pointed out that the ExH was a sociopath - never tell a psychopath that they're a psychopath !! You have been treated APPALLINGLY. He is not your friend, he sounds extremely cunning and manipulative and he too might well score highly on Hare's Psychopathy Scale or whatever the diagnostic tool is called. Don't believe a word he says, don't allow him to allocate your status as 'victim' even in your own head and detach detach detach - fake it till you make it. Try to absorb the palpable fury and anger in all the PPs reaction to your hideous treatment, and use it to fight - set up your future financial security whilst he still claims to feel friendly. You can make it one step, one second at a time, and you will feel happy again, I promise. I wish I could just come round and look after you, and I love the Mumsnet Army idea of us all swooping round and sorting out whichever Mumsnetter has recently suffered this blow. xxx to you

[LilLilLi]

@ZoZoisresting

@IDidNothingWrong

OP what he did is shitty but he may well support you. You can’t just read a bunch of bitter posters on here and take their word as gospel that he will go back on his word about supporting the kids etc

Remember most divorces don’t go to court and are able to be agreed upon. There are better odds he actual will give support than not despite what posters here are telling you. I’m just saying this because you making things uglier could make things far worse in terms of settlement and support than they otherwise would be.

There’s nothing bitter about it, most posters speak from experience!

They will promise the world because they’re feeling guilty, but then everything settles and the guilt wears off they very rarely deliver. The OP needs to plan for that!

[Questionneedanswer]

Haven’t read the full thread but have been in a similar situation
Really important to nail finances ASAP especially when there is a younger OW

I didn’t
She’s now just had their baby and it affects the settlement

[rockingbird]

I'm so sorry thieves happening, you've had some good advice here and I'd urge to protect yourself and the children as soon as possible. Most don't play fair, I speak from experience sadly! Get legal advice, get documents copied and safe and then keep that poker face going until the anger kicks in (which it will). Please don't hanker after someone who could be so cruel as to do this toy oh and your family, he's not worth your tears. I know that sinking feeling, waking in the night, unable to eat, waves of emotion and overthink every tiny detail. It massively messes with your head!! Speak to someone close to you and let them know what's going on. Sending love and strength xx

[Crikeyalmighty]

If these blokes had half a brain rather than thinking with their dicks they would think the OW is hardly a great prize either- being the type of person who is more than happy to shit on another woman and her kids. Ok as so many women constantly say on here 'they owe the wife nothing' yes that is the case- but I certainly judge and would judge any of my friends too who were carrying on with married/partnered up men and were well aware of it.

[WatieKatie]

It will be an extremely challenging time full of a range of emotions however you will come through it.

Yes you will lose some things, but think of what you might gain once this is over? Not living with a cheating husband who disrespects you for a start.

It’s a tough journey but the rewards at the end, in time, are worth it. I’m so much happier and very grateful. Stay strong.