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DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW

266 replies

IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 19:27

Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies for the length.

About a year ago my DH had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.

6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.

On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.

My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.

How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?

To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than DH. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.

OP posts:
growgrowinggrown · 04/03/2023 19:34

Horrific that this is happening, I am sure some wise women will be along shortly to help you.

I know it might sound harsh, but you already gave him more than most would in forgiving him and allowing him 'back. Do not do this a second time. He can't be trusted, this isn't a 'mid life crisis' or something terrible happening to him - these are his choices and you have to face that head on.

He's said he'll fix the house and pay above and beyond in maintenance because he feels sorry for you and guilty for what he has done. He won't always feel this way so take serious advantage of this and get it in writing.

He is not the person you thought you knew and certainly isn't on your 'team' so make sure you are only looking out for number 1 (and the kids).

Iusethem · 04/03/2023 19:37

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AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2023 19:37

Fucking hell love. All the 💐💐💐 What an absolute cold hearted bastard.

Maze76 · 04/03/2023 19:42

@IDidNothingWrong I’m sorry you’re going through this, been through something similar myself and I can only echo what @growgrowinggrown has said.
Please know this is 100% on him- you have done nothing wrong. Do not accept him back, your relationship will never be the same and your life would be miserable, constantly wondering if he was being truthful.

You deserve much more than the total disrespect he is showing you- how dare he swan off with his side piece and leave you distressed.
You no longer have to worry about his needs- let her do that, your concern is you and your kids.

You will get through this and you will go on to have a good life without him.

MMadness · 04/03/2023 19:42

Use the anger to pack his shit up. Also use the time to find any pertinent financial documents as required.

He cannot expect to be coming home right?

BigBlueSloth · 04/03/2023 19:44

I couldn't not reply to this, I'm just so sorry you are going through this. What a heartless bastard.

I agree - he is not on your side, he is not your friend. Grey rock all the way now, do not have any contact unless it's about the children. It hurts like hell right now but honestly the more you stay in touch with him the more it prolongs the agony (I sadly learnt this from experience). Cut contact and gradually you'll get through this and you'll start to see how much better off you are without him.

He may well go on this weekend away with her then reality will hit and he'll beg forgiveness again, dont fall for it. He will do it again, as you've already learnt. I'd also recommend getting some legal advice - he's promising you extra maintenance etc now but trust me he'll soon backtrack on that. I'm so sorry, take care of yourself and keep talking here x

MamOfFive · 04/03/2023 19:47

What a bastard; take him to the cleaners & pack his shit up while your angry.

IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 19:50

Thank you for your comments. I’m sat crying as I know what you say is the truth, it’s just so hard to understand how the person I thought was my forever could do this to me. Our daughter always used to say we were couple goals, finishing each others sentences. How’s can two people do something so cruel.

OP posts:
samqueens · 04/03/2023 19:50

OP - I’m so very, very sorry. Don’t feel you have to feel any particular thing or do any particular thing right now. Try to be kind to yourself - you’ve done nothing wrong.

Try to find a way to talk with someone close to you - it really will help.

When you feel up to it see a solicitor.

LilLilLi · 04/03/2023 19:51

I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s one of the cruelest things I have ever read on here. You must be in complete shock.

You must focus on the basics for now, eating and resting. If you can’t stomach food, get some shakes and soup in - you really must try and look after yourself.

Secondly, get what he has promised about the house and maintenance in writing. When the guilt wears off, he’ll change his tune. Take him for everything you can, phone a solicitor first thing on Monday morning.

Thirdly - grey rock him. It will be incredibly difficult, but as others have said he is not your friend. Your team now is you and your children and you must do everything you can to ensure you will all be ok.

There are many of us who have lived through, or are going through, heartbreak and betrayal and we’ll be here to hold your hand and guide you through because even though you can’t see it now I absolutely promise you will come through this and be happy again.

Once the shine wears off, or she moves on to someone her own age he will come back - do not let him. He made his bed, you can never trust him again and you deserved far, far better than this. Sending love x

Sleepless1096 · 04/03/2023 19:52

I would tell him not to come back.

I'd also get a jump-start on him by filing for divorce and seeing a solicitor while he's away.

Beaglesonlyplease · 04/03/2023 19:55

Jesus Christ. He’s a cunt.
id be tempted to tell him to take the kids away for a weekend (next weekend) and you oust him from your life in every respect. I’d rate and rage and get the best solicitor you can.

MicroSoftTeamz · 04/03/2023 19:57

Op.. This man is not your friend, he's betrayed you in the worst way imaginable. I know it is so incredibly hard, but please find a way through the hurt and look at things realistically, you need to see a solicitor, initiate divorce proceedings and make sure you're not the one left in the cold financially.

BeyondMyWits · 04/03/2023 19:58

He's a cheat and he's a liar. You are worth more than he can give. Do not believe a word he says.

TinyKittenPaw · 04/03/2023 19:58

This is awful, he sounds mad. I would honestly tell him that when he comes back his bags will be packed and left outdid his work office / in the garden / at his mums and tell him you don;t expect to see him back at the house - he can stay at hers. From now on all communication though the solicitors. I can only imagine you are stunned, but i would start a much tougher approach.

IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 19:59

He works away during the week, has a room there so no need for him to stay in the family home.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 04/03/2023 20:01

Oh god. I’m so sorry, OP.

It’s OK, the anger will come when it needs to. And then you’ll use it.

He’ll regret this. But by then you won’t care, I promise.

Have you friends and family you can turn to now IRL? Start by telling him not to come back from his weekend.

Hawkins003 · 04/03/2023 20:02

Holy smoke, op, to be honest a couple I know two kids, about 14-15 years sunk in the relationship, and it's suspected an affair is happening,

Just shows you never quite know someone as well as you think you do.

Not sure what to say apart from all the best and one day at a time op, @IDidNothingWrong

Paq · 04/03/2023 20:02

Yeah, he needs to leave the family home. See a solicitor asap. And tell him that he needs to plan what and when to tell the children.

I absolutely would not be letting him waltz off for a dirty weekend while you are home keeping his secrets for him.

HVPRN · 04/03/2023 20:03

Sending loads of love Flowers

Now time to stand up for yourself. Set a good example to your children; in the future, you wouldn't want them staying with someone who did this to them would you?

I personally would tell my eldest. How old is she? In our family, we do 100% trust and support.

I was with my XH for 13 years. I also felt sorry for him, nostalgic etc and got a little screwed over financially. He changed his tune for helping as time went on; just like other people on this thread have said.

Put on some fighting music 🎶 and release all your tension & ignite your worth. Because he does not deserve someone as sweet and kind as you (your compassion for him regardless is showing through).

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/03/2023 20:03

I'd pack his things. As you pack you may well find some anger filters through the sadness. Anger is your friend in situations like this.

It's heartbreaking when someone shows that they aren't who you thought they were. But you tried. You can always fall back on that satisfaction that you tried to save this. Even though he didn't deserve it in the least. He is the weak one. He is the coward. He is the cheat.

He will likely cheat on her too, eventually, but you can be glad of the fact that you'll never ever be fooled by someone again.

Gossipxox · 04/03/2023 20:05

Im so sorry, you really do deserve better.

He’s already had a chance and blown it, please don’t give him another.

Time is a healer and things will get easier focus on yourself.. learn to love you.

SeasonFinale · 04/03/2023 20:08

Of course she is happy for him to help finish the renovations. At that stage he will want to sell up to release his share of any equity he may get in the divorce. The maintenance is only really covering his share of mortgage etc anyway I bet.

If he has a room elsewhere and she is single I would bet she has been staying there too.

Dymaxion · 04/03/2023 20:08

Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.

Do not under any circumstances be taken in by this bollocks, he wants you on the back foot thinking he still gives a shiny shit, actions speak louder than words and I cannot see any integrity in his.
He can spin any yarn he likes about how he wants to pay over and above maintenance, and how he will sort the house out. He might sort the house out so he can sell it and he might think he is being overly generous paying a fiver over on the maintenance. Don't fall for it !

EarringsandLipstick · 04/03/2023 20:10

OP, this is horrific 💔

You poor poor thing.

For now, just get through each moment.

As soon as you can, and with real-life support, if you can, please try to initiate legal proceedings & safeguard yourself as much as you can. If he is currently being 'generous' re maintenance, get that set up & in place, as he will certainly renege on this.

It's truly awful. He is a terrible human being & I'm so sorry 💐

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