Long time lurker, first time poster. Apologies for the length.
About a year ago my DH had an affair. He worked with the OW on an adhoc basis and the physical affair took place whilst they were away with a group from work. It was noticed and it was raised with HR. I was drip fed parts including the fact that there had been an emotional affair for 9 months previous but didn’t get the full details until 3 months later. We have 3 children, one in exam years and two younger (10 and 11). He (we) had an incredibly stressful year in the run up to the physical affair which was though no fault of his own and so we decided we would try to reconcile.
6 months on (9 months after d day), and whilst things aren’t perfect we are working together, discussing plans for the future and trying to move on. We are working together on our home (which needs a lot of work) and things are improving.
On Tue he drops into conversation he’s away with work colleagues at the weekend, my gut told me something was off and I question the arrangements. On the Wed night he comes home and tells me he’s going away for the weekend and it’s with the OW after she bought them tickets for a music event overseas. Even worse, he loves her. I still had to be the one to end it.
My world has fallen apart, less than 24 hours earlier we were holding hands talking about our future. He had promised me he was working on our relationship when in fact they never stopped talking. I know I should hate him, but right now I’m just devastated. It’s all I can do to get up in the morning. I don’t have family or friends near by to talk to and to be honest I’m not ready to talk. All I can think about is that they are currently having a romantic weekend away when this time last week we were sharing a bed. Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this.
How do I move on from this when I can’t even comprehend being without him. I know I should hate him but I can’t find my anger. It feels so cruel. I want to scream and shout at them both, I just don’t understand. Why would you do this to someone? Why would you lie to someone you care about?
To avoid drip feeding, she is 13 years younger than me and single. Closer to our daughters age than DH. We’ve been together 15 years, married 11.
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Relationships
DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW
IDidNothingWrong · 04/03/2023 19:27
IDNW, my heart goes out to you. I am slack-jawed at this man’s devious cruelty for putting you and your children through the farce of a fake reconciliation and then leaving in the most abhorrent manner. He clearly has no integrity, decency or empathy.
I too urge you to meet with a solicitor to learn your options. Knowledge is power and you really must be informed. This snake is not your friend, and has proven that he does not have your or the children’s best interests at heart. He’s a sociopath who has conned all of you with his hidden duplicitous agenda.
Find your anger, IDNW. Pack his things and visit the solicitor. Consider seeking IC for support as you move through the grieving process and make decisions.
Keep posting here for support. 
NoSquirrels · 04/03/2023 20:01
Oh god. I’m so sorry, OP.
It’s OK, the anger will come when it needs to. And then you’ll use it.
He’ll regret this. But by then you won’t care, I promise.
Have you friends and family you can turn to now IRL? Start by telling him not to come back from his weekend.
HelloBunny · 05/03/2023 04:03
OW will live to regret this. She’s young & will come to her senses. She’ll dump him as she won’t want tonne saddled with someone else’s kids etc... Work will be awkward fir both of them. The whole thing will be for nothing (apart from the thrill for them now). He is hurting you & his children. Already saw what it did the first time, so he has absolutely no excuse. What a wanker.
LondonSouth28 · 05/03/2023 06:18
@GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour - cannot echo this enough. Before you get angry, get the money sorted. And don't get 'above legally required' levels of maintenance- get assets. He can change the maintenance payments as his guilt lessens, once the asset is handed over he cannot. The best thing you can do here is get angry BUT don't show him yet - while he feels guilty get as much as you can financially. And yes you need to see a solicitor. You get angry with him and he will be able to justify paying/giving you less.
Be calculating and harness that anger strategically- he will realise in years to come how you out played him...
Yeh, it's like telling you, I know you have no boundary, there's nothing you won't take.
A lie is bad, but at least it's understood that the purpose of the lie is that there are behaviours you would not accept. This whole set up, his blatantly telling you ........ but not ending your relationship or leaving 
that is just saying i'm going to have my cake and eat it and i know you'll put up with it.
laroisenoire123 · 05/03/2023 09:01
Make him take the kids every weekend Friday -Sunday night.
This gives you time to regain your energy, to rest, to think, to scheme, to strategise with lawyer and friends.
Let him work mon-Fri and let him be full time dad fri - sunday evening. Throw a spanner in the works of his fantasy lovelife with the OW.
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