DH told me he's leaving by announcing trip with OW

There's no specific way you should feel. While being angry might help you power though the things that need to be addressed early in a separation with kids that doesn't make sadness and hurt a less valid reaction, you feel how you feel. I've been through anger and grief, it's not even necessarily about him, it's grief that that future is gone now.

One thing I've realised is that I never really knew him, because the person I believed he was would never have behaved the way he has. Emotional abuse not an affair, though 'Daddy's Friend' (female I don't know) is getting a few mentions to the kids recently. The person I believed he was would never have disengaged from our kids the way he has. The person I thought he was would never have seen me so sick and not lifted a finger. The person I thought he was would never have been deliberately nasty and cruel. Sometimes I feel angry about all that he's put us through and sometimes I just feel really really sad. Sometimes I fall apart from the grief, but then I pick myself up again and go on. You will too.

Hope you get some decent sleep OP. When I went through similar I had such adrenaline and shock followed by complete brokenness. You will be grieving. Allow yourself to do the bare minimum and feel whatever you feel! And message him every mad emotion/though you want to get some catharsis. Hope he feels like dogshit on his holiday.
Your anger and strength will come. I just remember a quote “Everything you’ve cried through, everything you’ve prayed through .. is preparation for your next best season” and it will be. Not yet, not for a while, but a weight will be lifted and you will be happy again. it’s just physically painful before :( sending hugs. Xx

Not unreasonable at all, but from a legal point of view I'm afraid there's nothing you can do to stop him. Hopefully he might be decent enough (!) to realise he shouldn't be introducing her to his children ANY time soon but sadly many times I've seen it happen where they go right ahead and do it anyway. All you can do is do your best for the kids during your time with them and let him do as he sees fit during his time with them. But eventually as they get older they'll look back and see what a selfish knob he is.

I am so sorry you are going through this. What a truly awful man he is.

You must strike whilst the iron is hot financially. Get an agreement set up in writing as soon as you possibly can His guilt will allow him to do this.

Beware that once that wears off the blame game will start. He will blame you for it all and make it all of your fault.

My ex husband even told me that if I had been a good enough wife he wouldn't have had the affair. In the throes of my complete desolation I actually believed him.

You must grey rock him now even though it hurts so very much when all you want to do is see him and try to make sense of it all and persuade him to come back. Please don't do that as all it achieves is feeding his already inflated ego.

Please please just take care of you and the children now. Put your first you are worthy and need to be looked after. Look after yourself like you would your best friend in this position.

You are not at fault at all here. Please love yourself and [;ease please please put yourself first at all times now.

Much love to you. I have been where you are now and cried a million tears but and I say this with sincere honesty its the best thing that ever happened to me.

My ex was and still is a complete shit bag and I would have never had the courage to leave so in the end he did me a huge favour/ I never knew that at the time though and cried and was so desolate but I came out the other side even stronger .

I was in an almost identical situation to you several years back. It’s an awful time and it takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head as far as feelings towards him go.
I recommend a book called runaway husbands that is apt for people in your situation, I found it really helpful. I know how you feel and you have my sympathy OP.
I wish I’d listened to this before - when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

All this is so true, take the advice from @poppettypop

Also OP please don't put yourself down or think you're not being strong, because you are. You're in total shock right now, he's turned your world upside down, of course you're going to be blindsided and upset. Just get through each day at a time. I promise it does get better. I was where you are (so similar, even down to the him working away ad hoc with her) and I thought my world was ending, I thought I'd never get over it. I took him back too, like you did. I was determined to get past it but like your husband he was full of shit and empty promises. He's the one begging for another chance now and I'm just not interested.

In the beginning you're devastated and want to do anything to make it work but as time goes on you start to see them for the selfish bastard they really are. It killed all my feelings for him in the end. Its still desperately sad, I thought he was my forever person but now I know he's not. You really will be ok. One day at a time x

Yep, agree with every single word. This is all really good advice.

You’ve had such good advice already, all I want to add is he not your friend now, so if he is offering guilt driven financial support over and above, as @poppettypop says get that in writing.

You don’t need to be anything, don’t punish yourself because you think you should be stronger, or calmer, or more together. Right now you just need to breath, and hang on and take the steps you can to protect you and the DCs.

💐

Thank you all for quoting me. I am new here and a bit nervous about posting but had to respond the OP as I felt her despair as we all do.

Just to add insult to injury he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property

OP, you have seen how easily and convincingly he lies to your face (holding hands and planning for the future). I would assume that a) the affair never stopped, b) he has used the last 9 months to plan out leaving you, and c) all the stuff he said above is a pack of lies to keep you sweet while he rinses you.

You need to see a solicitor, you need to keep an eye on your savings and joint accounts, and get copies of his payslips/p60s etc if you know where they are. The fact he has gone from romantic hand-holding to “left you” in the space of 24hrs is incredibly worrisome.

Please, please, please don’t suffer in silence. I am sure you have mutual friends. It is time to let them all know - and your family of course. If you don’t let mutual friends know, he will paint himself as a victim (if he hasn’t already). Don’t bother talking to his family. He will be golden balls and they will justify everything to themselves. Rise above it, and don’t fall for any fishing trips from them either. Stay very tight-lipped about anything you may or may not be thinking of doing. They will never be on your side no matter what they say or how they act. They will feed him any info that serves him.
Get as much financial info dating right back past finding out about the affair. Name her in the divorce. It’s not going to look good for either of them professionally. See a solicitor anyway. You can’t afford not to. I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been using the last few months to be shoring up his financial escape fund while trying to convince you that your marriage was safe. You need this investigated. Check out all accounts.

OP I'm so very sorry. Yes it's hell.
Smartest thing you can do right now is get your finances sorted. It's a cruel world we live in.

Btw, at the moment - ignore what he says he feels about you. Patronizing at best, and lemon juice in every emotional paper cut he’s ever given you. His words are empty and useless. He has proven himself to be a liar. I wouldn’t trust his actions either. You can trust your judgement and hopefully you have your people. You need them. Please speak to friends and family. He is not your person anymore.

I am so sorry that is dreadful for you 💐💐

Try to make yourself eat sleep, and eat regularly. Put one foot in front of the other Try to keep your routine with the children.
Talk to friends and family. The next few days and weeks will take everything you have just to do the simplest things.

You will one day, though, I feel sure, find a burden has left you. You sound such a special, good, and thoughtful person to have tried as you did.

When he says he will pay above maintenance for you and continue help fix the house...wake up...don't believe a word of this. NOT a word. This coming from a man who is cheating on you. The OW will want to spend money setting up house with him, and having her own kids. Where does OW get off by saying she is OK with him for spending money on the house. She has no right to say anything.

Right now you are are in shock. He is worthless, and you deserve more. You have to be strong for your children and for yourself. You will be OK. You will come out of this stronger than you know. Right now you are in so much pain and I feel sorry for you. Sending you hugs.

You say the house needs a lot of work.
Get contractors in to assess the house and give quotes on how much it costs to get the house fixed.
He has been planning this escape for a long time, and holding back money.

What a prick.

She will be off like a rocket when the kids get involved, and he will be straight over to your door to try and get his feet back under the table. Please OP, hold firm.

Get a solicitor to arrange the legal side, all child arrangements kept polite and distant and then have the satisfaction of telling that absolute spineless clusterfuck of a wankbucket where he can stick it when he inevitably crawls back.

Op no wonder you're heartbroken, I can't add anything that hasn't been said already but wish you and your children all the best in getting through this.

Unfortunately most men would...sex within a relationship is very important to them.

A lot of women underestimate this reality.

💐

I am so very sorry this has happened to you. Please find a good solicitor asap to have ex confirm in writing your rights on your house and maintenance while he is still willing. Take copies of all legal papers, text messages and change codes on your devices. Look after yourself .

You've got to get angry because he's behaved so appallingly. The man you thought he was. Well he wasn't.

OW will live to regret this. She’s young & will come to her senses. She’ll dump him as she won’t want tonne saddled with someone else’s kids etc... Work will be awkward fir both of them. The whole thing will be for nothing (apart from the thrill for them now). He is hurting you & his children. Already saw what it did the first time, so he has absolutely no excuse. What a wanker.

he says he still cares about me, tells me I did nothing wrong, still sees me as family and is happy to pay over and above maintenance. He’s planning’s to continue work on our property and apparently she’s happy with this

Don't believe a word of this. From bitter experience I'd say he'll forget he ever said it, once he is comfortably living with OW. Assume that you'll get the bare minimum, that way you'll not be disappointed when it happens.